Day 46: Easily giving up because my emotions hurt me, BULLSHIT I THINK OTHERWISE!

 Easily giving up

(Read aloud and breathe)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to easily give up on something that  was so easy to do, just because I wanted to take the day off and make it easy on myself. Just because  I feel that  I am not feeling so well off, just because I need to be giving myself some weird odd excuse just because I need to be giving up on my effort and what is going in reality and how I am literally giving up on myself. As how my parents did to me and always so easily gave up on me, just because they never considered to help me fully and honestly and caring with affection and integrity. Therefore, I had to always do everything on my own, and how no one was there to help me, I knew that unconsciously and subconsciously so ever since I never did properly ask for the help effectively, nor did I even trust myself to help and support myself. Because I never knew what it was like to even help and support myself truly for the better, within that, I never saw my parents ever helping themselves and supporting themselves, it was always ini some type of self sabotaging coping mechanism to go out and not talk about it and to take self directive principle. Most times my father would always drink and would always easily give up on his life and never do anything about it and be blind about what is not even here, and only contain himself back into his self interest and basically he was saying no in an ugly jerking head movement way with his shaking no. And how in reality it was another form and reality, of him telling me to fuck off and do things on my own, that I don’t want to teach you, nor do I even care about you. I only cared about me and my own self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise as a father, that when I was drinking a lot and never wanted to really truly have a care about anyone else in this world, because as well, my parents and friends and relatives never cared about me. So therefore, I always had to do everything on my own and get my own help and never ask for help, I would always do that and never help my son, I would always be drinking and would so easily give up on my life, as I have truly lost my care and affection for my own son and child, as if he was nothing but a dog running around the house, living here with me, until the right time when he does move out and never comes back to me to get any help. And how I never realised this whole, that I was abusing him at every chance and automatic pattern like chance that was so inevitable to the point where I always wanted to hit him and threaten him and make him sad and cry and make him truly afraid of me and soon one day, not ever knowing if he will ever retaliate on me, just because I abused him, so many times, that he now has the balls to finally stand up to an abuser like me who is weak and frail to the point, that I never cared anymore about anyone, and always excluded everyone and eventually, I isolated myself and now I am by myself, no one with me, no one to talk with, no one to hang out with, no one to do things with, no one to have fun with or anything of those matters to varying degrees. I never realised that I was teaching my child and son at an unconscious and subconscious level, that I would always be coming home late drinking and smoking cigarettes where I smelled so bad. Not knowing that I was teaching my son to give up on his own self as i given up on him and how I gave up on myself and wanted to suppress and repress more and more of my pain and instability with alcohol, and how my son as my child has gone to do the same to be nothing but a deadbeat loser a few years ago doing the same thing as me, smoking weed and dong these other things that weren’t even best. He was basically being nothing but a copy of me, and how I never truly ever cared about life and the good things, i always cared about the shitty things and shitty my life is getting and complaining and how people are not doing what i want, when I couldn’t even do it myself. Therefore, i am basically classified as a weak man, and how i have such a weak relationship with myself and with my wife and with my son and with everyone and my relatives and family blood lines. That everything and everything is all tarnished my relationship with my kids that i haven’t met in so long, that and those relationships have been tarnished for the worst, never ever to be considered and cultivated over and over again so the relationships with others that I knew and was with. Could’ve gotten stronger, but in fact and reality, it only got weaker, and weaker. To the point where things were falling apart in my life, my health, my relationships, my identity, and how I Had to go back to my old self after I got treatment from the hospital and had surgery upon my heart. Not ever considering that I had to repress and suppress again my unstable emotions and having to smoke more and more and drink more and more. Just because I had to use it as coping mechanisms for my instability and lost relationship with myself, because I never had the best relationship with myself, therefore, I always separated myself and always excluded myself from everyone and everything. And how my son came to be about to do the same thing and isolate himself from everyone and everything and even when he would be invited to places and when he would show up, he was always showing this lonely coping mechanism and always being by himself and not talking with anyone. Just because he is at some public event, house party, networking event, whatever it was, and how I never knew that would have impacted him, because of me and myself isolating myself just because of how bad I feel. So secluded due to my blind emotions and feeling so bad for some odd reason. Not ever questioning why I was ever even feeling this atrocious bullshit that I am accepting and allowing and how my wife is never home and always hanging out with her friends. Therefore, my son’s relationships would have been done the same way, not ever and  even considering why his girlfriend or whoever it was, was always hanging out with her other friends and not talking with him, because of him being so weak and giving up on himself so easily. As if he was never confident, because he wasn’t and he got all of that from me. All of the abuse, all of the inferior insecurities and instability and lack of action and lack of discipline within himself as an individual, he was basically another loser and a deadbeat con man just like me. For his own life, just like me. How sad that is. And how there was always a hell going on within me and sometimes heaven in contradiction and how my son had the same thing, acting in varying degrees, and how I never questioned to stop myself even when I was scolding my son and making him give up on his dreams to achieve what he wanted to do. And how I was the one who was just only holding him back and never wanting him to leave me, when in fact and reality, I was afraid to leave me, when I never had me and never will. And how I was so afraid of my own detrimental copy of me, to leave me and leave me stranded and irresponsible of my own ways and doings, because I never knew and could any how to take care of myself, therefore, I wanted him to stay and take care of me. When I couldn’t even take care of myself because I never gave a fuck about myself. Therefore, I ruined myself, and lost everything, my business, my relationships, my life, my wife, my son and other kids that finally have met my other son with my current wife. And how I never knew what it was like to easily give up on someone, when I only gave up on myself, because I never knew what it was ever like to have the best relationship of stability and common sense and actual practicality. And principles, but there were never principles I ever lived by, they were always and only based on emotion, always doing the thing that i am doing and immediately going for another, in immediate contradiction, not ever questioning why I would do such a thing to fuck with myself like that. Because I always easily have easily given up on everything I have ever done, just because I thought it was boring or some shit like that. Therefore, I never had a true focus on anything, and how my son would be doing the same thing, never ever questioning why he was doing certain things and easily giving up and not going forth with anything, no matter how hard it got. When I was the cause for that. Not ever in fact and reality, that I ever questioned myself, I was always so quick to deny myself, because i never accepted myself, I never allowed myself to do what was best and to have a great life and to spend money on stupid shit and to never invest it in anything. Because i was always working for time and never for actual creation of value and for money for the better, it was the other way around in abuse and contradiction to why anyone would ever fuck with themselves like that. Losing all 100% of self responsibility and self trust, because in fact and reality, there was no self trust and self respect, nor the self honor at all whatsoever. Because I never knew what true self trust actually ever was, I always gave up on everything and anything and anyone. Just because I thought anyone and everyone was selling me something when I was too blind to the fact that the thing someone was selling me was actually good for me. And how i easily gave up on myself and always accepted and allowed myself to be more poor and broke and unstable in so many cringeful like ways that I never truly ever conceived of why I never had taken the time to listen to someone because I’m so busy listening to my own bullshit and accepting and allowing it, and thinking that it is good and fooling with myself around. As if my way of life is just no big deal, when in fact, I have accepted and allowed pure complacency and latency for what life is not at all, when in fact and reality, life was always here, it was always here, never anywhere else. I was so blind to the fact that I have and am now still living such a mediocre life, and inferior life of oblivion and delusion and illusion. That i never truly gave a fuck about anyone, nor even myself, because in fact, and in reality, i am nothing but a deadbeat like every other deadbeat father like my parents were and how my mom was as well. And how everyone either died or survived with me. Evidently I chose to say and believe in my mind that everyone has died and how I am alone and without the people were special to me and that meant the world to me, died right in front of my eyes and body to where I stand on the soil of communism that never could stand for freedom for the light of day at all whatsoever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a deadbeat father to never learn how to truly take care of my child, but to only take care and abuse my own care for him and for myself. Not ever realising why and when that abusive care was taking in so much damage and instability, beyond belief to why anyone would want to hit their child, but I had to do it, out of my own excuse, just because I wanted to him to easily give up when he would make a mistake and never go back to fix it. Just because I wanted to make him learn the lesson and then be afraid of me and be afraid of doing what he wants to do in his life, not ever realising that being easy to give up about something is just another form and reality of mediocrity. Even when he would open the door for strangers and how I told him to not open any door for anyone and if he refused I had to yell at him and smack him in the face and make him cry just because my parents did this to me as well, not ever questioning that their abuse will be handed down in abusive pain and distraught like excruciating pain that  I have never ever felt in my lief, until someone wanted to destroy my self esteem alone with it. And how I had to do the same to destroy my own self esteem as I have destroyed it fo my own son as well, and how I never truly cared, and how I never knew that this would affect his whole life as well, to easily give up on anything, no matter how hard or easy to anything of simplicity or whatever the fuck it was. It would make him into a blunder for opportunity to even realise and fathom something that would have benefited him, therefore, I always had to somehow abuse him in the worst ways possible that would never help anyone, nor for me, nor my son, nor for my wife, no for anyone that I ever knew, previous wife and kids or not at all. And how I never realised that I abused each and every opportunity like my parents did to me, and how I always was being so easy to give up on anything because i never had the actual fortitude to do anything, I was just a weak man, and weak role model of abuse and would always hit my son for anything no matter what it was. Even with a chopstick when he would be stealing and how i am punishing another copy to be afraid of me and to be afraid of taking anything and not knowing any better by my own assumption. And how I never taught him to be better, I only taught him to be nothing but an abuser and do things that are not even in his own best interest. So I had to make him cry and be sad and be afraid of me, and to never respect me and to leave me, just like my parents abused me and how I had to leave them. They wanted me to leave them and soon to never realise what will ever truly happen for the better, because I know there will be more abuse along the way in my life, because I will never realise what life could’ve been for me. If I hadn’t been an alcoholic, smoker, abuser, deadbeat, weakling, loser, all of the above of a mediocre role model, that no one will ever follow, because I am no one of influence, I am no one of actual caliber of anything, I am nothing, because i am nothing but a tarnished character. That’s it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that weak men have weak relationships with themselves and with others, no matter how they depict themselves as tough or not, confident or not, when deep down their insecure, inferior, stupid, ugly, not nice, disrespectful, distrustful, not worthy. And all of the above and so much more beyond my own comprehension and belief that how I never knew that i was being trained and taught by a weak man like my father, who never knew any better, there was always some spiteful bullshit going on in the house, even in public, and anywhere I went. Whatever I wanted, was abused, whatever I wanted to do, was abused, so much trouble and trauma to my life, due to someone who had to explode and make me be the next victim as they were the victim as well, many years ago and even right now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to almost be so easy to give up on anything that I do, even if I am just feeling bad or sleepy or whatever. And how I never knew the fact that I was only operating my life on feeling and never on principles, because also my dad and father never did follow his life on principles, he always followed it on abuse and stupid notions of being so quick to deny anything, just because he knows deep down that he doesn’t have enough money, he doesn’t have enough care, love, affection, respect, trust, because he never had anything of that type of degree. Therefore, I never had it myself, because I was learning from someone who never had their own best interest in themselves, it was always tarnished and quickly disregarded or something that wasn’t best to see even i anyone wasn’t around to open the door to opportunity to see what life and reality could’ve been, when and in reality, it was always here and nowhere else, I was just so blinded to the fact of being concerned about my feelings. Because that’s how my father was concerned, his own feelings and ugliness of character, ugliness of stature, ugliness of attitude, no confidence, no trust, no respect for anything, nor for himself. And therefore, I never had any self respect, self trust, and a great attitude and bright confidence, because no one ever had it, none of the people i knew never truly had it, they were all losers, just like me, insecure just like me, inferior just like me. And how I was the new guy around, when in fact and reality I was just another around the block like everyone else, even my father. And how nothing was ever taught to me to do what was best, it was always tarnished and disregarded, and disrespected and thrown into the trash and down with tidy bowl man and into the sewers of no man’s land into oblivion and delusion and illusion. For the worst.

When and as I see myself easily giving up on anything so simple to do and fearing about it, I stop and breathe, and do the simple thing and go for it anyway.

When and as I see myself wanting and urging myself to give up just because I'm Not feeling so well, in health wise on any minute, hour, day, week, month, year and years to come, I stop and breathe and do it anyway.

When and as i see myself influencing another and urging to do so to make another give up on themselves, I stop and breathe and persuade and encourage one to keep going like i will do so as well no matter day, whatever is going on, I go do it anyway.

When and as I see myself fear over the decision of what is simple and not try to go do it, I stop and breathe and go do it anyway.

When and as i see myself witnessing another person telling me to give up, i stop and breathe and challenge them and go do it anyway.

When and as I see myself witnessing and urging myself to think of something major in the world of any holiday, election, or whatever it is, I stop and breathe. I will go do what is best anyway, no matter what.

When and as I see myself urging and giving up on myself so easily to what is best for me to benefit from, I stop and breathe and go do what is best for me with common sense and practicality as LIFE!

When and as I see myself giving up easily on my own life and what is best for me in my own business and life and relationships and finances, and leadership, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself easily giving up my self trust, respect, honor, dignity and integrity, I stop and breathe, and be here as life, as a self directive principle for the better.

When and as I see myself urging myself to abuse my life and how i am not looking to change it under any circumstance, I stop and breathe.

I realize that easily giving up on something that is best for me, is just another form and reality of distrust and confusion as if there was even a thing to be confused about. When in fact and reality this was all coming from my  father and how he would always be so easy to give up about anything and be so quick to deny about anything, even if it was good or not at all. When he never actually understood how to listen before disregarding something that doesn’t matter at all whatsoever, when I knew it didn't matter for me, so I never made it to be of matter for me and how my lief was  and is where it is today due to be easily so insecure to give up anything to put the proper effective focus on what is best to create. And how i led myself to easily give up on things that were of common sense and didn’t know truly what persistence and perseverance ever really was, because my dad and mom would always be giving upon themselves and to never go forth towards to anything a t all, they would never consider why they never trusted themselves to even question the fact of their own mediocrity and inferiority and most importantly their insecurities that they don’t even know that they had, and how used to have that, not even realising that i suppressed this and even when things did get a little hard for me, i was only playing the excuse like a quick button in my mind to press so I can not do what is best for me. And  be in complacency as if life wasn’t already here itself, when and fact, life and reality was always here, it was never anywhere else. I was just so blind to the fact that I never could  see it or myself, because if I hadn't been so easy on myself to give up on myself, I wouldn’t be in this position of where my life is right now as we speak. Like nothing ever amounted that  I was even anting from myself, but I Was not willing to do it, because I feared myself and my neighbor,I never had the true self trust anything at all whatsoever, no respect, no honor, no nothing.and how nothing ever amounted  for me at all, whatsoever.

I realise that easily giving up anything is just complying to comfort and what’s easy to do and simple to do, just because I think it is some type of waste  of time, when in fact it was not, it was only me, never considering me. When in fact and reality, my father never considered himself, and nor did he tell me  to consider myself and teach me, because he never knew he could, he never had the trust, he never had the respect, nor the honor of himself. It was always in some type of disregarding of life and how everything is going down within the shit hole of what man created for himself, into oblivion and confusion and for the worst of all, complacency, latency, insecurities, inferiority.

I realised that no one else cared if I easily gave up on myself, because I never cared about myself in the past either, so I would've easily given up on myself. Not caring about myself truly and what I can do, therefore, i neglected and disregarded my own life to participate in energy and substance as the mind that which is not real within my mind, when was i have been creating has been an atrocity of creating my own detrimental town in my world, of loserville. And how in the past,I never Questioned why i gave up on myself so easily, because of how others were being so easy on themselves give themselves  a back door and an easy way to just get up and walk out and not face their fears that aren’t even real, when in reality, there is no but for the one who creates it will experience it and find themselves in a whole new world of delusional and illusional hectic creation that is not good for anyone, nor for the person themselves at all whatsoever. And how I found myself doing those type of things in the very past, participating in bullshit that was making me not persevere as if I Wanted to take the easy route and never do what was best for me, in fact and reality, I never knew of what was best for me, so no wonder i easily give up my life and how and what wanted to  do. No matter what it  was of  anything, at all whatsoever. And how my life hasn't gotten to the place that I desire and want it to be at, due to the lack and limitation I have set for myself and from my own environment and what I saw growing up, from people who never cared and never had their own best interest themselves at all whatsoever. They never cared, so I never did either, and how their life has ended up to where it is right now, not so good at all.

I realise that every time that I am so easy on myself to easily give up, I am forever more losing my self trust and self respect for myself, as if some divine energy will fly in and give me what I want. When in fact and reality, life and reality does not work that way for me to be giving up on anything, no matter how simple, easy and common sense and practical it is that’s here in real reality and not anywhere else at all whatsoever. And howI never knew of the fact that I was just being in my own mind, because nothing is real if i place some excuse and fear within my mind, and i know and realize now that it is not real, it is only something that has been made up for insecurities and stupidity for at my own peril to even not realise that my life could’ve been better if I had done something about my life, having purpose with actual specificity and not just some vague blind route to do what is easy in complacency and contemplating as if I Should take the insecure route, when i know that will not benefit me at all whatsoever.

I commit myself to always keep persevering and improving and adapting and always being tactful with my decisions and actions as breathing as self directive principle. To always understand what is here and what needs to be done for the better as life, and to always keep preserving even when things seem to be getting hard, but it’s only an opportunity for me to become better, and I will take that opportunity for the better and run with it and improve and adapt, learn and understand and apply with common sense and actual practicality for my ultimate and super success! For as i see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better, within living the self corrective application change as LIFE!

I commit myself to challenge those with respect, integrity and self honesty for those trying to manipulate and tell me to give up, when they themselves have given up on themselves to not make anything about with persistence and perseverance to actually even have common sense and actual practicality for the better. And to challenge people who try to give up on themselves and if they do, I will encourage them with respect and dignity for the individual, and if they keep refusing, on and on, then I’ll let them be, until if they even, ever at all make up their mind for their own complacency, because life was Always in abundance, while hope and love and fear and limitation is in short supply. For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better, within living the self corrective application change as LIFE!

I commit myself to keep encouraging and pushing myself to preserve no matter what happens, to anything and anyone, and what anyone does, I will keep preserving till things will become much better. Tactfully and effectively, for what is best for all, with common sense and practicality on what is best to use my time and energy on for what is best for me and whoever is working with me for the better!. For as i see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better, within living the self corrective application change as the inner change as the outer change, as LIFE!

I commit myself to encourage and teach and help my kids understand the same with my wife to do the same with our kids and ourselves, to help and encourage and keep encouraging them to keep going and give context and reason to keep going no matter what. And of course to have fun, while learning and improving and adapting to make it natural to make things happen that mean the most to us, and are important and what we seek with certainty to make happen with purpose and meaning. In all of what we do, how we live, we breathe, we walk, express ourselves with common sense and practicality to have and enjoy a beautiful abundant life for the better. To help them understand and have fun, while doing what is best, in the present and in reality for the better! For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better, within living the self corrective application change as LIFE!

I commit myself to encourage and lead my employees, salespersons, accountants, lawyers, senior partners, engineers, directors, suppliers within my company and corporation organization, to keep going no matter, and make things happen, because we are here to not just be special, we’re here to make a difference to do what is best for all. To keep going, to keep becoming more and more creative and creating, innovating, and to be tactful within our time and energy as individuals as a family and corporation. That no matter how hard things get, we will always be preserving and persisting and blazing trails to a life of abundance and clean energy and education for LIFE! For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality as my actions as my breathing, step by step of the way, within living the self corrective application changes as LIFE!

I commit myself to keep going, no matter how hard things get, it will only get easier and easier as I am becoming better and better and effective, creative, innovative, as an individual within others, and to encourage others on my team and who’s working with me as well. To keep going no matter what, while life is in abundance, and love, hope, and fear is in short supply, to keep going because abundance will become our own manifest as we keep going, no matter what, fearless, to world domination and monopoly, to create around us and in the nation and in the world, for what is best for all!, for as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better, within living the self corrective application change as LIFE!

I commit myself to be here and present as life, and become to take more and more action consistently and persistently as breathing as life, growing, persevering, persisting and improving and adapting along the way for the better of my ultimate super ultra success! And to become super wealthy by doing what is best for all, and to help all of the people around me, people working with me, who i’m working with, and what we can do to create, innovate, as abundance as life for our ultimate and super success!, for as I see myself as life and life resonance and in reality to improve and adapt for the better, within living the self corrective application change as LIFE!

I commit myself to write self forgiveness to forgive myself of what is not best within me and how if something has been affecting me in some type of way for my life and how I am operating it and living it. And within that to write breathing statements, that when and if a reaction were to ever come up, I will stop and breath and take self directive principle as life and keep going, within self realisation statements to what I had and have reacted to that was not best in my own interest, nor the other person at all either. Within that, I commit myself to write self commitment statements to recorrect myself and rebirth myself to life in abundance and full of confidence in the resonance and within expression as life. And to live the self corrective application change as life and to always improve and keep going no matter what as life!, to use the tools of TechnoTutor, support groups, give and receive support to myself and to others as what is best for all within common sense and practicality for the better. For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to live the living self corrective application changes as life, as the inner change as the outer change in my choices, decisions and actions, to lead myself and others into success for the better!