Rushing into relationships
(Read aloud and breathe)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that when I am looking for a relationship to join with anyone or even just a friendly gesture to a woman or anyone else. I tend to want to rush it and ask the person out and see if she is interested in me and how I don’t even know how to truly develop a relationship. And within that, and how I never knew how to truly develop any type of relationship and to be able to talk with anyone, nor did my parents ever teach me how to do anything, nor how to talk to anyone, how I was always quiet, and secluded away from others. And how that was my parents state of being as well and how they never knew how to even acknowledge about me and what I am currently doing and how when I did get a girlfriend, my father would criticize me and how he was saying my girlfriend was ugly, when in fact and reality, she was pretty, but had an ugly attitude, no wonder he was just jealous at the time, she was very nice and kind and sweet, but it was all lost due to assumptions and neediness from her and how I found myself doing the same thing , many years later, and ended up losing my own self and the relationship I had with a woman who was just addicted to energy and never knew how to develop a relationship either, she was just as delusional as i was, no wonder I wasn’t understanding why I wasn’t able to truly ever develop any type of relationship, nor was i even able to communicate properly and effectively. And how my parents never even bothered to teach me, nor did I ever bother to truly help myself to become better, hence I was so blinded by my own programming that i’ve had for so long, not ever considering the fact that I was deluding myself to want someone else, when I didn’t have myself, because I kept separating myself from me as the flesh, when in fact and reality, the real me was not truly me, it was nothing but an egoistic character, that I “thought” was me, and how i am not even realising that I am in fact, a living lie for the worst.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that as parents, to not know how and understand as well, to even know how to develop any sort of relationship, no wonder we as husband and wife and wife husband were fighting all the time, bickering at each other. Spitefully teasing each other, and fucking around with each others feelings and not taking any true actual consideration for what’s best for all for both of us, no wonder no one was able to even talk and communicate effectively. It was always some type of instability and havoc and trouble and irrational arguments that didn't even matter, just because either one of us was so unstable to the point when it was said in the mind and activated within the acting within the physical to create a consequence, of conning our own sequence of that which is not us. But for what we have accepted and allowed as us. When in fact, it is not; we have truly fucked each other over emotionally and nutritionally and financially, and how we have done this to ourselves and as well as to our son, and how no wonder he was not ever able to communicate effectively and was always secluding myself to be alone and never talk with us, because we were in fact, untrustworthy, no wonder our son had never trusted us, and no wonder he never had the actual true trust in himself and within self honesty as well. Because he truly got the dishonesty and distrust from us as parents as mother and father and as father and mother, no wonder, he has always distrusted us and never was truly ever honest with us. Because in fact and in reality we were always dishonest with him and how we have done that with ourselves, and always we will do certain things tomorrow for him or for us and/or for the house or anything and how we would postpone so many things and never to ever truly develop that self honesty and self trust within ourselves, and no wonder our son had never truly ever trusted us. Because we were dishonest, and how we have taught him to be dishonest within his relationships, and to never be truthful and always lie to seem cool and immaculate to get a woman of any kind and to never develop any sort of relationship. And how no wonder he would go to porn at times and how we would do things for ourselves and with each other, but in fact, it was always instability and some bullshit make up sex, that didn’t even matter, because make up sex, never settled, nor solved anything, nor did it ever resolved anything at all whatsoever for true actual living change for the better.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to as a father to never understand and truly know how t o develop a relationship, no wonder I would always rush my son to do things and always rush him to do everything for me. And even if he wanted to do something for himself, I would rush him to do that too. And never have him to be patient and always be neglected and to have to yell at him to hurry the fuck up, and get going, and how I wanted to do that, because I wanted more time to delude myself at home, and never take him anywhere for that which he wanted to go for, and how I never wanted to give time to him, no wonder that affected him and his relationships as well, and as himself as well, no wonder I had that same shit quality within me as well, and how I wasn’t able to truly ever develop a meaningful relationship and purposeful relationship without always trying to rush my son to do anything and everything that he ever wanted to do and how I wanted to do certain things as well. And how I would always also rush my wife to do the same thing as well, and how disrespectful and cringing that is for me to even do, and how dishonest and distrustful, and untrustworthy, i am as a man, in fact, I am a de-man, deleted man, I am in actuality, a child in a man’s body, as a deadbeat child, no wonder I was never able to do anything in the best ways possible and always lost everything that I would ever want to do. And even how I would also rush myself to do things as well, and always rush everyone in the family to do things, no wonder everyone despised me and hated me and spitefully hated me with resentment and how I was the main who caused the instability within my son, and how I have caused that myself majority, and how I was the one to blame and is at fault. Not my son, my son is who I have created and how the instability of his own that he has created along the way on his own as well, has now backed onto me and how I am not experiencing the consequences. And how I am as well experiencing my own atrocious bullshit and how I am ruining my own future and my own life, and how i have as well also, ruined my own future, with drugs, cigarettes and constant coffee that smells like shit throughout the house and how I always do this but never change anything and how I constantly have to do my own way of checking on myself as I am killing myself so slowly doing things that aren’t even best, and how I have found my son to do the same thing, and how I was the main advocate to ruin his life, as well it was his own decision to want to be just like me. A deadbeat who will be the role model to follow as a deadbeat to fuck up my own life, as my son has watched me do it, time to time and again and again and how no wonder he never trusts me, because I am always fucking with the relationship with myself and how my son is doing the same thing to himself. No wonder he is able to develop any true relationships, and how I was the main one to ruin that for him, while he was watching me as he was growing up around me and sometimes was there to see me fuck myself up and ruin my life and my own money as well, and how I was also the main to ruin money and have money problems and have to blame it all on my son and as if it wasn’t even my fault. What a fucking idiot i am, what a loser that i am as well. No wonder my son as well has also turned into a fucking loser deadbeat as well, not e ver making anything real, because he wasn’t able to read and understand information to be able to do anything for real, because I never taught him truly, and even when he would read, he wasn’t able to read effectively because I wasn’t able to teach him, and how I would always smoke and watch him do his homework and demand him to do it, and never explain anything and if he didn’t do it, he would get reprimanded and hit for the most stupidest shit ever causing him instability and havoc beyond belief and trouble that was not ever truly ever necessary. And how my parents would as well do this to me when i was once younger as well and how my colleagues in the war have done this to me as well and how I wasn’t able to truly ever create anything for real. No wonder I was always poor my whole life, not ever truly able to create anything for real. And how my life has turned into shit and how my son’s life has been the same as well, in my own assumption, because nothing has ever truly ever changed for real within his life. Because i was the one who had ruined his character with my own unstable character and how I have ruined his relationship with himself, as well as myself, ruining it for myself as well, and showing him my mistakes and to not do them and to never give a solution but to say to not do it like I did. And how he ended up doing it, with no solution left blinded to his vices to his consequences and ruin for the worst. No wonder he rushed all his relationships and how i was the one to do the same as well, with myself, with my wife, and with my son, and how this family has truly turned into shit, because of me, how pathetic and fucking sad that is. No wonder I have nobody, everyone else has departed and/or either died off, due to my irresponsibility and de-manned character that ruined the world and as well as my world within the people in it for the worst.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a father to always have to rush my son into everything and for whatever he wanted to do as traveling and always wanted to rush him to go anywhere and when I would do that, he would miss somethings and how I would scold him and make him feel much more worse about himself. And how i would reprimand him that he is ruining my own self interest when in fact and reality, it is me who is fucking with me and how i am trying to fuck with my own self interest for another and how I am trying to blame another person just because I wanted to go back to sleep and do other things that other best to me only and not ever to my son, and how I would always operate out of experience instead of principle. No wonder everything was an angered experience, a rushing experience, a spiteful and contradictory experience, nothing was ever for the better, it was all destroyed and abused by me. Just because I never truly wanted the best for my son, I’ve always wanted the best for myself, even when I wanted to go into my possessions and have to go impose it onto my son and make it worse for him and make him feel my wrath and exposure to the ugly instability that I have within me, and how no wonder i am not able to do anything for real, nor has my son at all whatsoever. No wonder I was the one who had caused all the trouble and havoc and arguments and health problems and everything that has ever occurred in my life and how no wonder when I was in the hospital, no one wanted to come to see, I had to call them to come to see me, expecting them to read my mind and pay heed attention to me. When in fact, they should’ve left to leave me to die, and how it should've been dead in my own contradictory ways and diction of living my life. And how I have ruined each and every relationship that i’ve ever had and how no wonder my son has the done the same and how I have ruined that relationship especially with him, no wonder he doesn’t trust me and despises me, because i am nothing but a fucking deadbeat loser, who has nothing going for myself, and how I have nothing left but a government paycheck coming in each and every month of 300 dollars USD, and how nothing I ever want to do in my life, will ever turn out for the better at all whatsoever. And how when I die, no one will care, because I never truly cared, and how no one else will either, at all whatsoever. And even when I would want to threaten my son to take anything, i wouldn't have to call the police and make him liable as if it wasn’t my liable future at all whatsoever, and have to make my son get arrested for something he wants to do for himself and to be free, and how i was not allowing him to do that and how no wonder he never trusts me for anything, and the food i buy and the thingsI do for myself and for him. Because I never knew anything about true giving, no wonder I do not ever even bothered to want to make more to have more than enough, and how i have nothing but lack and limitation in my life, and how I have nobody, but myself, and always wanting to separate myself from what is here and howI have to blame everyone and even myself and even my son just because they’re not doing what i want them to do. And how I am not even taking the responsibility to do anything for myself and having to check upon him when he is home and always having to be needy and how he says what to me, as if I Need something from him, because I am not ever truly trustworthy and bothersome, and how that quality as well, has been ingrained within my son as well. And how he would never be able to develop a relationship ever from being bothersome and having to feel ever so self conscious about it, because, that was how I always felt when I wanted to do something with my son, and how I never wanted to do anything with myself, even if I felt self conscious and had all these weird random backchats and having to voice them out whispers and weird ass shit throughout the kitchen and living room. And having to do that just becauseI am not sure of where it is coming from, when in fact it is coming at me, with dishonesty and distrust to the point where I am always deluding myself and my own character as a living lie. That I am not trustworthy, that i am not self honest, no wonder no one trusts me, nor do I even trust myself to do anything, no wonder my son doesn't trust himself either. No wonder his life is shit just like mine, because I was the one who had ruined it for him and how he ruined more and more along the way, and have lived and have taken the blind baton throughout his life that I have given him, no wonder he is delusional in his relationships, as well as I was, with the improper ways of communication, and how I would always raise my voice for unnecessary things, no wonder I was the one who ruined everything and every relationship with anyone and everyone that I’ve ever had in my life and who is in my life, but never talks to me anymore. But for me having to bother and annoy others about doing things for me, no wonder I am a needy bastard and a weakling and crusty old fart, who will never amount to anything, ever, at all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a mother to ruin my own relationship to myself as well, spending my own money and always isolating myself and sabotaging myself to things that I don't even need and having to always constantly sleep in and do other bullshit that doesn't even fucking matter. And buying the wrong foods and always having to buy for myself and never taking the responsibility to buy what’s best for everyone that’s healthy and how if I do do that, I would be a afraid fo what everyone will say due to my own habits of spending and having to buy things that i don’t even need, nor are they good, because i was the one to mimic and buy stupid shit and unhealthy things like my mom did and how she is now broke and always asking for money, no wonder she is a deadbeat loser just like me, and how I have ended up poor just like her an d how I have taught my son that everything is expensive and to never buy and to always waste money like i did. But I still do it, just because I am leaving him away from the vices that I have accepted and allowed for myself and how I am in so much debt and have not enough money for anything, not even clothes, shoes, food, or anything, no wonder I do not have anything, nor anyone, because I have ruined that relationship with myself and how I never wanted to ever improve it, because even when I wanted to talk with my husband, we would always spitefully tease each other. And make jokes spitefully about our son and how he is a loser and he has nothing going for him and never say it in english, because of our dishonesty and distrust within that to express our stupidity within ourselves and each other but to never express that to our son, because we wanted to keep our ugly gossiping messages to ourselves and to never truly express our ugly characters and ugly ego antagonistic attitudes and characters to our son and how we would never want him to witness and feel those things that we have said about him. When in fact and reality, it is just a mere ugly reflection of us, and how he has ruined that for ourselves and even for him as well. And how he has ruined that for himself as well, a n how I remembered he would spitefully gossip sometimes, but never all the time, he would have that backchat at times when he would sit by himself, thinking, and how i wasn’t too sure of what he was thinking about , when he in fact and reality, he was probably thinking about nothing but he wanted to do with his life, and to do it without us and leave us behind and leave us to our own vices and how we have ruined his future and as have ruined that for ourselves as well. No wonder my life has never turned out for the better, and how I never stopped my husband from un-stabilizing my son and how I never had the courage to speak up, because i was too afraid i might get hit and abused as well. And how in fact, my son did the same thing, not ever noticing the shit fact, that I was dishonest and never wanted to speak up, because I felt so inferior to what i didn’t know how to express, because I never knew anything, nor english effectively for anything and anyone at all whatsoever. Nor did I ever make the effort to truly learn anything and apply it physically in real physical life. And how i was not able to do anything and have to make him sometimes do things for me and when he wouldn’t do it, i would spitefully tease him and make remarks that were hurtful and despising towards him. Making him feel less than himself, when in fact and r realty, I was as well feeling less than myself, no wonder i wasn’t able to teach him anything, and how his future was never truly ever for the better, no matter how he hard he would try to make something and anything of a success of any kind, it was always a failure, no wonder he believed himself as a failure, because i made him feel like that, and have neglected him and left him to be to his own vices of loneliness and how he would cry for help when it would be dark in his room and how his life wasn’t turning out for the better for anything. Because I was the one who had caused that, no wonder he wasn’t able to truly make anything a success, due to my own neglect and neglect and how my husband has done the same thing in spitefulness as well, within resentment for the worst.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ruin my own relationship and rush it with myself all the time and to always abuse myself in various ways that were not even best for me and how I would accept and allow that for myself, and how my parents have abused me for the worst. And how I am not doing that to myself. Because I’ve always seen my parents abuse sabotage themselves and how I found myself doing the same thing to myself ad how no wonder I am an abuser to the relationship that I have with myself that has been tarnished right from the beginning and how it wasn't ever able to truly develop a real relationship that was best for me and how I never knew how to do anything, no wonder all my relationships were tarnished and neglected, because I was the one who had neglected myself as I saw my parents neglect me, I eventually did it to myself and did it to others, because i was acting the same abuse and unconscious abuse from my parents and how I never knew what they were actually even doing to themselves and how I found myself doing the same thing, not ever wondering and considering and realizing that i was doing the same bullshit to hurt myself, as my parents have damaged and abused themselves as well and how i am not doing that to myself and how nothing has ever truly been developed for the better. And how I would neglect each and every relationship and ruin each and everything that could’ve been cultivated and how this was the culmination that ruined and rushed each and every relationship that I’ve ever had as friends, girlfriends, colleagues of anything, business, and how I never reached out and followed up anyone and, nor did I ever network and connect with others truly and still neglect it and never make any true friends for life, because I was still neglecting that relationship that I have within myself, and how i am still making excuses as if they were gone, but still there as a retribution for abuse again, after I have done the restitution, but nothing has ever truly been solved for the better, because I was only so blinded by my own delusional and the rushed relationship that i’ve ruined. And how I saw my parents and especially my deadbeat father ruin each and every relationship by rushing it, as he rushed himself and others, and as well as rushed me and my mother. And how i found myself doing the same thing, and rushing things and never cultivating anything for anything to be set and cultivated for super success. It was always a failure, nothing was ever a success for me, it was always failure after failure, no matter how much I persisted and persevered to develop and connect with others. Nor was i even able to communicate effectively, because I saw my parents not even Able to communicate effectively, they were unable and unstable as well, no wonder instability has caused so much havoc and has ruined each and every relationship that I’ve ever tried to create and make, and t was because, of the relationship that I’ve had with myself that was rushed, and ruined and how I destroyed it myself, just because of what I saw and never even bothered to realise and question anything that I ever saw and heard at all, whatsoever, ever since my whole life. Each and every relationship and especially the relationship with myself. Has been ruined because i ruined it myself, with dishonesty and distrust and abused it and abused myself physically, even hitting myself, as if I didn’t ever truly knew what it was like t have a great relationship with myself, and how no wonder, I wasn’t able to ever have a great relationship with others either, no wonder my life is the way it is, with nothing but what I have and what I have caused that is within lack and limitation, for the worst. Therefore, I was never able to truly ever trust myself for real. Ever. at all, whatsoever. And how it ruined each and every decision and culmination of that point ever since I was brought into this world and was abused at 2 years old, for the worst, and cried and cried so much more, and had to be given away to people who were able to take care of me, but no one was stable enough to take care of me, I had so much instability, beyond belief, I was never truly ever able to create a life for the better, and how my life wasn’t ever better for the better, ever since. Nothing at all, whatsoever. Rushed each and every relationship, ruined each and every relationship, and abused them all, and the relationship with myself was rushed, ruined and tarnished and abused for the worst, all by me, and how i witnessed my parents and friends of the past, ruined their own relationship as well, and as well as ruined it for themselves, as well. No wonder I rushed each and every relationship and abused it and never learned how to truly develop and cultivate relationships for the better, at all whatsoever, ever since I was 8 or 9, I was abused and neglected for the worst.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that when i dislike someone, I am in actuality disliking myself, and hurting myself, just because someone else has a quality that i don’t like and have to instantly judge and be spiteful and resentfully subtle about it. And how I would always do this to myself and especially to others, no matter if they were saying things to help me out, or was just plainly being abusive, but I just never knew the difference, because I was so used to abuse, that I would always contradict and never know what someone is actually talking about and have to assume and rush to conclusions and ruin everything and anything for myself, that I ever assumed and wanted to do for myself and/or even with others as well. And how I am literally wasting my time trying to develop relationships with dishonesty and distrust, because I never knew how to develop any sort of relationship and have rushed and ruined them all, and the relationship with myself, as well. Therefore, I never truly actually loved myself for real, I’ve always hated myself, and how I got that from my parents and how they hated themselves as well and as well as my friends from the past also hated themselves, no wonder they abused themselves and sabotaged themselves. And how i had done the same, because of the rushed and ruined and tarnished relationship that I have with myself is not best for me. And how i never realised this has affected me in every way and decision that I’ve ever made to connect with anyone, because i couldn't even connect to myself truly, because I was living, living words that weren’t even best for me, and how I abused every relationship to whomever was telling me what I needed to hear or was either just insulting me for what i didn’t want to hear and had to react back to other person with responsibility and being so blinded to it, as if I haven’t gotten a clue of what it is like to have a real true relationship with myself and with another at all whatsoever. And how this has affected each and every relationship that I’ve ever had in my entire life, even girlfriends as well, all lost, rushed, ruined, tarnished, and abused and destroyed for the worst. Because my parents destroyed their relationships with themselves and how I am now doing the same thing to myself and to others for the absolute atrocity and how I was never able to truly ever fix anything for the better at all, whatsoever. And how I have ruined that and all of it of everything that I’ve done and connected to and with others as well, all abused, all rushed, all ruined, and all for the worst.
When and as I see myself abusing myself for anything that is simple, in business or not, life or not, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself rushing myself to do anything of traveling, business or anything of the like, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself being self conscious to develop a relationship with a colleague of anything, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself being self conscious to start and develop some type of conversation to develop a relationship with a woman, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself wanting to rush into a relationship and not cultivating and taking care of it, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself about to abuse myself in any way, of hitting or sabotaging anything, with porn or whatever it is, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself abusing money and myself within it, and my health and my life within it, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself over self indulging and abusing myself within that, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself attempting myself to not have enough of anything, and not fix any solutions to be what’s best for me and/or with others as well, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself having to get something constantly to eat, just because I am bored, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself attempting to hit myself and abuse myself, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself attempting to tarnish my relationship because of experience instead of not living by principle, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself wanting and urging myself to want to abuse another physically and ruin a relationship with myself and another, I stop and breathe deeply in and out.
When and as I see myself not being proper and effective within and as an expression of myself with myself and others, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself being so self conscious and within myself, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself not seeing the ramifications and consequences of my decisions within myself and for with others, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself not considering the ramifications of my own consequences that I am indulging on and/or doing for business to make money of any kind without considering what could best for the better and to act upon it immediately, I stop and breathe, and recalculate to do what’s best and do it immediately in the best ways possible.
When and as I see myself not being committed to the relationship that I have with another and with myself to become truly better, and along within leadership and guidance as well, I stop and breathe.
I realise that each and every relationship that i’ve ever wanted to start, I was never able to be friends with a person for more than a week or month, and to barely even ask them out to do something with me. And have to always rush it, as if my time is limited and how I was only forever more operating on that starting point, that everything should be rushed and then ruined and then tarnished and destroyed, for it all to be done. And how I’ve got all of this from my father and how rushed his relationship with me and did it spitefully and in resentful ways that were not even best for me, he always wanted to do it out of his self interest that ruined me and and made me unconsciously live as I have accepted and allowed that relationships should always be rushed and how no matter what I do to make the relationship patient and for growth and steady along the way. I tend to rush it out of nowhere, as if my time is limited sand how I won’t ever meet this person ever again, no matter where she goes, I will end up rushing it myself, and rushing myself to get into a relationship and rushing the other person and making them do what I want them to do, instead of them liking me naturally and supporting each other naturally instead of it being forced and not directed for what’s best for all and how no matter what I would do, this would affect each and every decision that I would ever make it. When it came to business, developing relationships with others for business, when it be a man or woman, or just becoming into a relationship with a woman, It would be extremely hard and difficult for me to cultivate something and care but not that much truly, but to let the other person come to me, instead of me coming to them. And how I realised that I thought that was the best thing to do, and how I wasn’t truly giving properly and effectively, therefore, no one ever came to me, but me and my ego as always. The ruined and tarnished relationship that I have with myself as always coming back to me and how i would separate myself from myself and never consider that for what’s best for me, I’ve always done it spiteful and resentful and abusive ways to the point where when my parents would abuse me with rushed breath, time, and movement, I would also as well abuse myself physically, and rush myself within breath, illusion of time and movement, as if i need to get something done without any true purpose for my life. No wonder i have such a shitty relationship with myself and with others, and how I am not able to connect with others, because I was never truly able to connect with myself, because what I am is not me, it is who I have accepted and allowed to be As ME, therefore, it is not me, within that, I am living it as breath and living words breath by breath and step by step. And how each and everything that I could do, I would never ought to consider to do it with purpose and meaning, therefore, I would always rush my relationships and all the things that I would ever do. Even when I would wake up and snooze my alarm again and again, to the point where I have tarnished that commitment to myself to wake up at a certain time and to be awake at a certain time to do what I want to do with my life. And how I have rushed waking up before the next day, and how I have been doing this for so long since that day my father had gone to my grandma’s apartment and was drunk and didn’t let me go home and wanted to do what was best for him. While he was drunk and stupid as fuck, and how my mother was screaming at him to take him to go to sleep, and how he wouldn’t do what w as best for me, because he was currently drunk and was not able to drive. And how everyone else in the car, never spoke u to direct him, because he was wanting to do his own his thing by force and fucking himself and forcing himself to do what is not best for himself, nor for the others and especially me, while I was just so young at the time. And how ever since the age of 11 or 12 or 13 or whatever, that day affected each and every decision that I’ve ever made, and how I would rush myself to wake up the day before at a certain time, and how I wasn’t able to do it. And have truly denied myself of what sleep and rest is, without living anything about within principle, but only by experience and rush, because rushing is an experience, anger, and tarnishing things just by experience and how everything was culminating up to that very point and where it started at late night, when it was 21:00 (9:00 pm CST), and how i wasn’t able to do whatever I wanted ever since, with commitment and purpose and meaning. Because I was always rushing everything within the relationship that I’ve never truly had with myself, because I always saw my parents ruin their own relationship with themselves, especially my deadbeat father, and my mother as well, they both never spoke up and never did anything for what to be that which is best for me. And how they never spoke up to do what is best for them either, and how no wonder, I was never able to speak up and talk and express myself, because I thought I had to suppress myself and never speak up and never say anything that was going to be best for me. And how ever since, I would be up late at night, and never do anything that is best for me and waste time deliberately, as if my time and commitment to what I had set out for myself to do that is best for me should delayed and turned over until tomorrow, and how i would always do this and always rush myself with no purpose and intention in mind to what is best for me. And how I was abusing myself, just like my father had abused me with experience and rushing, ruining the relationship and ruining everything for me, just because of his alcohol addiction and how he wanted to drink more than take care of me. And how I realised that he never truly cared, even when he says I love you, he is lying to me, and how I have done the same thing to myself, with abusive love, ever since.
I realised that each and everything that I’ve done with myself as within the relationship that I have within myself and with others, I would always rush it and take unnecessary directive principle that weren't best in others interest, nor was it mine. I was only trying to do it out of necessity so I can direct others instead of truly directing myself and how I was experiencing the consequence immediately, and how i was paying for it with experiencing bickering from others and how I was receiving the payment from others as well and how nothing was ever able to be created for real, ever since, redirecting positively and negatively in misdirection as if experience is the best way to go about anything, and how no wonder my life hasn’t best truly for the better, because I have truly lived the living words and experiences of a true ruined relationship that i have with myself and with others, and how everything was ruined and tarnished for the worst.
I realised that everything that I’ve had done in my life, it was never done with a purpose, I would always rush everything and rush things within the relationship of myself, and how I was never able to truly make up commitments to myself, and even with others as well. And how nothing was ever to be created and made within my own rushed and tarnished manifestation of my own, as I festering my own ways of creation, was always being tarnished and because of pest within my mind, was misdirecting me in each and every breath, and step and decision, was always being misdirected into oblivion for the worst and led to what was never to be for the better for me and how i was never able to make any financial commitment to do anything for real. No wonder I wasn’t able to truly make money within this point as well and how my life was never for the better, ever since that day when I was 11or 10 or whatever age, when that day when i was at my grandma’s apartment and my father was drunk and my mother was yelling at the deadbeat fucker, to take me home, because I needed to be asleep at 21:00 (9:00 pm CST), and how i was never able to that day ever since, was the culminating point of each and every decision that I’ve ever made was only by experience and never by principle, because of someone else not considering to do what was best for me, and wanted to do it for what was best for them. And how I was never able to do what was best for me and only doing it for experience for what’s best for experience instead of principled living within myself as who I am and who I have become to rush relationships with others, and things that I wanted to do, and most importantly the relationship that I have with myself.
I realised that my life is not where it is supposed to be, because I am living the abusive tarnished relationship from my father, and how I have created it to be much more worse for myself, and how I don’t have the money that i want and the support and friends that I want for life to be with all the time. To support and do business with. And how I am always isolating myself just like how my father had done to me when I was at home all day long coming home from school, in elementary school, and how this has lasted for years until I got to high school and then graduated and up until now to where I am. And how nothing fundamentally in my life has ever truly changed physically within my actions, because i was forever blinded to the point of no true actual return, within the fear and isolation of the living words of a rushed and ruined relationship with myself, and how I have ruined it with my parents, and have ruined with others. Therefore, nothing and I mean Nothing, has ever changed for REAL, ever since that day I was neglected for my father wanting to be drunk and fuck my life up ever since that day.
I realised that my mother never did anything that was best for me, and how she always isolated herself from me and from her husband and even herself and how no wonder i never got the support from her, even when she always wanted to do what was best for ONLY. and to never consider me and my nutrition and/or of anything, and how I was never taught to share, I was only taught to receive, and never to give truly out of purpose and meaning, therefore, nothing was ever done for from me, i somehow, had to take responsibility now and had to do everything on my own and was never supported, and abandoned for the worst. And how my mother had done that to me, now that I am doing it to myself and my father had ruined everything for me, and how my mother had ruined everything for me as well, therefore, I rushed and ruined everything on my own as well. And how ever since, I wasn’t able to truly ever have a great relationship with myself, because I was only living the tarnished and rushed and ruined relationship from my parents and how I have created that for myself to live it and bullshit it, each and every time. No matter of the actual commitment that I would make for myself to do and go for, I was never able to make it happen, because I just wanted to go back to sleep and never take responsibility, just like how my parents would do when simple things would easily get hard for them, and how they would never do it, even if it was, just simple. And how i found myself doing the same thing, making simple things hard and small things big and big things small, significance and insignificance in contradiction, therefore, I was never able to truly commit to myself, truly, ever since that day of it being at 9:00 pm CST U.S., (21:00 CST). and how it literally affected dramatically each and Every decision that I have ever made in my life, therefore, I do not have the things that I want in my life, therefore, my life is not the way it was supposed to be to my liking, it was ruined and neglected and never supported, because my parents as I saw them, never knew how to support themselves, therefore, they never supported me truly fundamentally, and how i was never able to do it for myself, either. Therefore, I was never able to truly ever support myself for real, and not even ask for help from others, either, because I thought I had it all to myself and can do everything, even when my father would argue that he was bullshit to me. And how he would say, you know everything now, you can do anything, in a sarcastic and angry way, and how I didn’t even like how he did that spitefully to me with resentment as if i didn’t even matter, because in fact,it made me think, that I don’t matter, therefore nothing even matters to me, so why should I do everything on my own, and never get help?, that doesn’t make any sense, and how there was always abuse and cringing abuse that never made sense and was always conjured unnecessary energy for petty arguments from this deadbeat who fucked me up and how i fucked my life up on my own and never made anything to be real for the better. And how I am now struggling for money, and struggling to support my life, all because of ever since that day and other culminating points that happened along the way, I was never able to truly support myself for real, ever since.
And how i realised that, everything is caused by the mind, and what and how, where and when, who was exposing it to, to let it experience this trouble that everyone has in their life, health, financial, relationships, business, each and every decision that has ever been made is where a person’s life is and way it is specifically. And how everything has been tarnished and ruined for the worst, especially if it is rushed for the worst.
I commit myself to truly re-develop and recreate my relationship with myself with purpose and within principled living, developing and creating principles that are best for me to create a life that is best for me. And for others, who are around me as I am creating my life and my financial ways of living to be truly abundant and that it is okay for mistakes, it’s good to learn from them immediately and apply what I learn immediately to compress time and be much more effective in my ways and in my living as principled living, to do what is best to truly live the living words that is best for me. How i make commitments to myself, when i want to wake up at a certain time, the day before, doing things in my life, such waking up at 06:00, then brushing my teeth, taking a shower, stretch and workout any part of my body depending if I worked on chest and triceps the day before or back and biceps or legs the day before, and what to do specifically the next. And what i plan to do for my process and do it with purpose immediately, with self trust that i can do something that is best for me, and how i can truly grow. And read the blogs within Desteni, then read my current book or either do something that i didn’t get the chance to finish last night or whatever it is. And if i didn’t finish it last night or even the day of the night, I will commit myself to finishing what I set out myself to do with full on 100% commitment and full on 100% responsibility and to understand how to truly take care of myself and learn from others who ARE already doing this to become much more effective in how I operate and live my life, to the fullest in its expression and express live to the fullest in its expression and give and deliver of myself and to myself and with others and to others, 100% each and every time, effectively and efficiently 100% for the better. Even when it comes to meetings, calls, networking and connecting with others, asking the best effective questions to understand what another is saying and expressing and to only congregate with people who are best to work with, and not other people who are infesting their own internal self interest and ruining it for themselves. To work with those who are doing what's best and who is ready and who has always been ready and is doing it in real life, to make their better and how I am doing the same as well. For as I see myself as life and life awareness living resonance within self directive principled living as self directive principle as LIFE!
I commit myself to increase and scale up in how I create and make money with myself and with others and how we and I can cooperate and collaborate as a team together to truly create what's best for all in the economic milieu of our surroundings and within the system itself. And to develop relationships with a purpose of patience and giving, and being cordial as myself as my being for who I am to become that’s best for all and best for who I am to become for the better. And to do it for myself and how I can truly give myself to others therefore, others can be able to give to themselves and to others in the best ways possible with real living change and to introduce those to specific tools that are best and are of actual real practicality that is best for all. Within this, I commit myself to track my finances and be careful of my spending and how much I make in my life, on the first of the month and the 15th of the month and to do what is best for my life and with others as well, and to connect with those who are able to manage my finances and help me with accounting to the business that i am doing in my life for creation and invention to a better new life, for that which is Best For All Life. with true commitment and responsibility of 100% giving and delivering of myself and to others for the better and with focus and saying no to things that don’t even matter to what it is that is not improving what i am doing. And prioritizing and managing my time in the best ways possible to my super and ultimate super success. For as I see myself as life and life resonance as living words, within self directive principled living, and as the self director of my life for the better with others.
I commit myself to be patient and cordial and purposeful with how I raise and treat my children and with my wife as well and how I treat myself as well with them. And to have fun and do fun things and to always do what is best for them and not just for me, that when they need the attention and support, I will always be there and support them, and support my wife, and as well as help her to support our kids while if i am away on a business trip/meeting/call or whatever it may be. I will be able to give my kids and my wife the context and understanding that I need to attend a call/meeting for business, to do what is best and if anything that heeds priority, I will always attend to the priority and make it the best, and always do what is best, for the thing that needs priority, and not just for what I want to solve. To do what is best that needs priority and attention that is best for that needs to be taken care for the better. And when i am around my kids I will give of myself 100% with them and have a great time with them and help them learn to do things and apply it with patience being aware of myself as breath in the moment and what I am doing with them and what they are doing as well. And to always support my kids and my wife 100% all the way, for the better! For as I see myself as living words as life and life resonance within self aware living and self directive principle for the better as LIFE!
I commit myself to do what is best for the business and what needs to be heeded attention in the moment for myself as well, and to give of myself 100% and deliver with 100% giving, no matter what and to do what needs to be done. With principled living, and to what works in reality in real physical life to make anything and everything a super success with others and with myself as well, for the better. To be aware in within my breath and step and decision with purpose and meaning and giving of myself and delivering of myself to myself and with others 100% each and every time with Principles and always do everything First with Principle for the better, to truly create a life and experience that is best for all, where the experience from the Principle will create what’s best for all life and even my life for the better, and doing it for myself and how others will see me as i am doing it for them as well, because I am truly giving to myself genuinely more better and better each and every time. And how i am giving to others genuinely and authentically out of Principle to truly create an experience that is best and amazing for all life for the better. For as I see myself as living words, to improve and adapt for the better, within self directive principled living, within principled living, to truly create a life that’s best for ALL, as Life, Eternally, Physically, for what’s best for ALL!
I commit myself to be with others and connect truly and develop a true relationship with others, for the better and for what’s best for all and what needs priority and genuine attention for the better. Within that, I commit myself to write self forgiveness and self corrective application to forgive myself of what is not best within me, then onto stop and breathe statements to compress time and become effective in what i am doing in the moment, whether it be business, relationships, family, money, finances, etc, improving the product/service that I have in the moment and process. Within that, to realise statements to realise what was not best for me and what and how it has affected me this whole entire time or even just recently. Within that, I commit myself to write self commitment and self corrective application statements to recreate myself into what is best for me, to truly trust myself Every Way, willing myself to do what is best and become much more effective in what i do and create for the better, within using the tools of TechnoTutor, giving and receiving support with others and supporting myself for what’s best for me and of course for others when it is of actual real priority for the better. For as I see myself as life and living words resonate to adapt and improve, and improve and adapt for the better, within self directive principled living, for what’s best for ALL as LIFE!
