Day 76: Stealing money

 Stealing money

(read aloud and breathe)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise and realize now that when I was a little kid, I would tend to steal money from my dad and how I would go into his room, just to take $20 USD, and have to go in and take something. And how he would know that I would take $20 USD and never return it and just to keep it for myself and never let him have anything from me. Because in fact, I know I was stealing money from him, because I just never knew how to make anything for myself and didn’t have much, and always lacked the possession for money, nor did I even know how to make money for myself. And how no wonder I would have to go sneak into my dad’s room at night, even before I was about to go to bed, and was too afraid to ask him for money. So I would just end up taking $20 dollars or more, and how I knew he wasn’t teaching me anything, so why not steal from him, because I needed money to buy my own things and how I didn't have anything for myself, nor did I have a business or a job of anything at the time, and how i wasn’t able to have enough of anything. No wonder I would always steal from other people, and in their stores, and have to take things, just because I didn’t have enough money to buy anything. No wonder I am taking money from other people in my current job and how I am not being responsible to return the money to the person to whom I made the tip at the table of the restaurant. And how I am not living the dishonesty from my childhood, just like I was doing to my father, and how I am now doing it to other people. Therefore, my impropriety and dishonesty has taken place in my realisation and how  I am constantly doing it, and not even mentioning to whom took the money or who didn’t and just constantly taking people’s money and not giving it to them honestly, because I do not have enough. And how i was truly never able to learn how to make money fast and for Real, legitimately, and how ever since I am not practicing any honest ways of making money, fast and effectively. No wonder I am in the position of where I am in my life, making money very slowly and not being able to be free and not ever considering the fact that I am not getting paid enough to do anything. Nor am I truly giving to myself to be able to have much more than enough money in my bank account, within that, I know my parents have never truly taught me anything, no wonder I am in the position of not having enough money and will probably never be able to have more than enough money, if I don’t truly find a way to make more and increase my skills and who I am as a being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a father to not teach my son how to make money and how I would always leave him in lack and never teach him anything, but to be a slave like everyone else. And even when he didn’t have enough money, he would steal from stores and not return anything, and how I was the one who had caused him to steal, to the point where he wouldn’t even have enough to buy anything that he wanted. Not even food, even that to the extent. He would steal food, and still not have enough in his bank account or even in his piggy bank to save his money. No wonder at night time, when he was much younger, he would come into my room, sneaking under the chair or sometimes he would already be there, and wait for me, and then to the money and leave. And how he  would always be taking my money, and even my wife’s money to buy things he didn’t have enough for, whether it be books, toys, or whatever he wanted. And how I am such a fucking deadbeat, to be not teaching my son about anything to make any sort of money and to be able to be independent and on his own, and not to have any sort of backing and help from us. That which we never gave to him, therefore, no wonder he is not able to make enough and more than enough money, to be able to buy the things he wants, and how no wonder his life is at such a limit, no wonder he is not able to buy anything he wants, he is not living on his own. With me comparing him to other 18 years olds that move out and do other shit on their own and fuck their lives up, and how I have already fucked my son’s life up, and how for me to be comparing him to other 18 year olds that have a better foundation than he had. I am a hypocrite, and a fucking loser for doing that. And how I am shoving that into his face and making him feel that way and how he is bickering back at me for my stupid comparison and making him feel bad for not being independent, and how I am the one who had fucked up his foundation, as a child and even to now to where he is and how he is living and what he is doing currently in his life. That is not much and how he is not able to build anything, because I never taught him anything, and how I ruined his self esteem along the way and even patronized him and scolded him and made fun of him. Teased him, spitefully, and beat up and abused him, to all ways and kinds of ways that were not best for him. No wonder he despises me and disrespects me so much, and how I do not like my son either, and how I do not like myself either, no wonder my son’s relationship with me, is shit, because I have a shit relationship with me and how he now has a shit relationship with himself, and is not able to do anything and create anything for real, in my own assumption, and how It was the one who ruined that for him. And how he is now struggling for money and struggling to make money in his life. And is not able to go anywhere, to travel and even the most important part, to be responsible and living on his own and how he is not able to do any of that. And it was all due to my fault and how he is living the faulty teachings of my faultiness and abusiveness. No wonder my life and his life has gone to shit, for the worst. Even his health is somewhat deteriorating and how mine is going down the drain, for the absolute fucking worst for me. No wonder I am not truly ever responsible for anything,  either at all, whatsoever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that no matter how hard I try at making any sort of money, I will never be able to make more than enough to be able to live the way I want to live my life. And how that is not working for me fast enough and. Therefore within that, my foundation has been tarnished and ruined by a person who never had my best interest in mind and heart for me, no wonder I am now struggling to make any sort of money and have no true skills of communication, and/or of anything else to be truly to be somewhat of an elite, when I first wanted to be an entrepreneur and seen how people had amazing things and how I’ve come to want what they have. But at the time , when I wanted to make money for myself, I was not able to do it, because I was focusing on the wrong things of making money and how I didn’t even know what I was doing, and making money was so hard for me. Because I didn’t have any leadership, communication skills, nor the vocabulary to do anything, and couldn’t even express myself, to the fullest of what I want to do in my life. And how nothing is ever flourishing for me, no matter what I do and attempt at creating, and would easily quit, because I am not making a fast profit, that it annoys me for not making something, because my father would do the same thing to me, when and as I wasn’t able to apply the things he’s trying to teach me, because he knew he would abuse that ability, if he tried to do anything to teach me anything. No wonder I never learned anything from him, and how I have to do a LOT of things on my own, because he never taught me anything truly, and how he would have me move to live with my cousins and with some other people who were going to better schools or whatever it  was. But no matter where they sent me, I was never able to learn effectively, nor was I able to even read and process information. And how that has compiled up to where I am now in my life, to not being taught anything practically, and even tangible for tangible results to be real. It was all metaphorical, fake, dubious, and stupid, no wonder I am not where  I want to be in my life, not being able to make the money I want in my life, and that I am struggling so much to be recreating and rebuilding my life with so much struggle. That sometimes, I just want to quit and stop everything. Because I am not able to get the results that I WANT in my life and how even minimal  mistakes would cause me to curse and do stupid things that are not even best for me. And how my father was the one to do the same, even in private, and in his mind, and how I am now doing it to myself, as he was doing it to himself, and sometimes to me, not knowing that he was imprinting and imposing me with his insecure bullshit that would fuck my life over, for the absolute worst.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dishonest with myself and not truthful with myself when it comes to stealing money and making money and how I am not able to do anything that would’ve and could’ve been ethical to do and how IT was always doing things that were ethical.  But not for myself, nor other people, because I never knew how to truly give to others and be able to make money for real and lots of it. But even if I was able to make a lot of money, I was never going to be able to retain it and grow it, I would just end up spending it, to how and what I have learned from my parents and, therefore, I was never truly guided to be into financial abundance, no matter how much I try and how hard and smart I try at anything to make any sort of money. It would always be as a last resort failure and would end up quitting very early to be making anything for myself and for me, and how I would always do this bullshit a lot, and how i never knew why I was compromising myself and others, for my own self interest and limitation and Pure LACK. and how this angers me to realise this now to why I was stealing money from other people and even from the jobs I used to work at, and how I am wanting now to be in my business for myself, and if I hadn’t realised this now, I would be doing money laundering and how I would become to create and build at higher levels of business, I would end up stealing from others and laundering money being dishonest, that being dishonest in the bigger business world, would cause me to have many harsh striking lawsuits and that I was never going to be able to handle the intense back lashing in the public eye and private sectors of the world and its economic transfers of business. And even to my current foundation and programming, I would never be able to handle it,  therefore, I would easily break down and lose my mind and body and soul for something I am imagining of putting myself in such a situation to where bigger business would be. But my programming and current vocabulary is at such a limit, that I am not able to be at those levels, no matter how much I try to make anything work, I would easily destroy it for myself, therefore, my father if he ever built anything at all either, he would destroy it as well, same with my mother, as the fucking she is. And how she is NOT trustworthy either, and fully dishonest, like my father, just like myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a mother to not teach my son how to make any sort of money, but to be a slave just like me and be enslaved within his mind as well. As I am enslaved myself as well, within that, and how I never, as we never taught our son to do anything but be a slave to the system, as we have, and how no wonder he was stealing money and using my card to buy things of books, other toys and trinkets or whatever he was buying. And how it was taking a toll on my bank account and how no wonder our son does not have enough in his bank account to my own assumption. That I do not have the same either, no wonder I am blowing all of my money on bills and paying for stupid shit that I don’t even need and how I am not able to make any sort of money but to purchase things that I do not need, and end up having to return it back, at some point and time in my life. And even when I do not want to return it, I end up hoarding it in my room and all over the house. To the point where I can't even walk to go anywhere in my own home. And how nothing is available to use to make anything real and creative. No wonder my son is struggling to make money and make lots of it, and how I was one of the abusive advocates to destroy that with my husband as well, and to neglect that trait and ability for him, because none of us as parents even had the ability to make any sort of money, nor did we have the vocabulary, and the communication skills to be able to make the money we always dreamed and fantasized of wanting. But we never could, because our efforts and “mindset” and pre-programming was not able to let us do that, because our parents and then there's and then theirs and so on for 7 generations. To no one ever noticing why no one has ever had EVER, enough in their own reserves, no one has it, to my own assumption, and how it shows physically. That no one has enough for anything, no wonder our son was taking from us, even money and food, and candy and many other things. Furniture and all and a whole bunch of other shit, and even when we would come home from buying useless food and chemically laced food and other crap, that was not good nutritionally for our son, and not even good for ourselves, even though we “think” it is good, but it is not good. It is something we are so used to, that we LOVE destroying our fucking health and even our physical state due to our stupidity and the stupid choices that has set us back so much, and even for my son and how much of our insecurities has been imprinted and imposed upon him, for him to be held back and to have SO DAMN FUCKING MANY SET BACKS, “BEYOND BELIEF”, that he is not able to make anything true and real of value in his life. No wonder he does not have what he wants in his life, nor financially, nor emotionally. Even the relationship that is supposed to have to, within the financial abundance along the way. Nothing is at his disposal to use, everything is at a lack and at a limitation, no wonder he is not where he wants to be, due to us and what we have done to him, and how he is doing that to what we have done to ourselves and how we have done that to him, and how he is now doing the stupidity and abusiveness to HIMSELF. Therefore, he will NEVER, in my/our own assumption, that he will never make it out alive and financially and emotionally abundant. Because nothing is good in his life, due to my own life and my own reflection of my own life and how shitty it is, due to what I was dealt with, for the absolute, worst. And sooner or later, he will notice how he is so comfortable with not having enough money, and he will be broke for the rest of his life, if he doesn’t do anything to solve it. And how we were never able to help realise it, because we were too afraid to tell him, because we were too afraid to admit the atrocities that we have done to ourselves as well. And how we have fucked our lives up for the worst, no wonder nothing is going right in our lives, and even in our son’s life, as well. We have truly ruined our son’s life, and now that he is struggling, he will never be able to compete with us and nor of anyone else, either at all, whatsoever. And that we have made him to be this way and struggle and not have enough EVER, at all, and always be at a lacking and limitation, for the absolute, worst.

When and as I see myself attempting to steal another person’s hard earned money, no matter the amount, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself not learning the lesson in a millisecond attempt to making any sort of money and learning how to do so, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself ignoring the fact of reality and what I can do to make things better for myself and for my business, I stop and breathe, and actually come up with the ways of making things better for myself and for my business and with others for the better.

When and as I see myself in an attempt to steal money from my father, by either by cash or credit, or any card, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself in an attempt to steal money from my mother, either by cash or credit, or any card, for my own advantage and to make them as my parents and herself suffer, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself trying to take money from others by being competitively incoherent, and wanting to take advantage of others, so they can have nothing, and how I’ll have all the money, I stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself in an attempt to steal from others, I am truly stealing from myself, and how I do not realise that, and have yet to take it into consideration,  I stop and breathe.

I realise that for me to steal money from others, is like no one actually noticing, but it is I who has the relationship with the mind of me, who notices  and who is stealing from others, and how when and as I am stealing from others. I am in actuality, stealing from myself, not realising thatI am fucking with the relationship that I have with myself, that I’ve had within childhood, when I didn’t have enough money and stole from others stores and people, and stole some of their money. And the jobs I’ve worked. Each and every chance that  I’ve got to see that money was there to be taken and my integrity was always tested, but I ended up taking the money, because I knew deep down that I needed it, and would end up taking it anyway. And even the things that I say, would take away my opportunity to steal my own money away, and the benefit that another person would’ve and could’ve gotten, if I had the right words to say and live. And how this whole time, I have been living the living words of stealing money and having no opportunity to be teaching myself anything, but taking from others, and in reality, I am in actuality, taking from others just so I can have more than another. And how I am also stealing from myself, and witnessing myself do so, within the relationship that I have with myself, that is not so effective and efficient. And how I’ve noticed other people and even with my parents do not have the best relationship with themselves, nor do they have it with me either. And within that, it has caused me to not have an effective relationship that is intimate and great with myself, and has caused me to ruin many other relationships and fester and pester them off, by pestering me to decline each and everyone that is not within my circle anymore. That I “feel”, that  I shouldn’t help one another who isn’t worthy of my help. Because in fact, I wasn’t even worthy of my own help, because I couldn’t help myself, because no one ever helped me truly and effectively as a child and on coming to becoming an adult, as where I am today. And how my parents have never helped me to do anything, it was always other people, and how I would always isolate myself, when and as I wouldn’t realise that I needed the actual help, and when I did need the actual help, I would get it, but at times, I would never appreciate it, but when I do, I would appreciate in a double thinking contradicting way. And even that, when someone of some type of caliber that is much more effective than I as a person, to help me and encourage me, I would realise that, wow this person really cares about helping me, because in fact, I never truly got the help of anyone truly genuinely caring for me. And how I have come to realise that I am now doing that to myself, that my parents have done and festered and pestered me off to leave to my own vices to not help myself, as I would like to help another. To give as i would like to receive, to do unto others, as I would like to be done unto, and how I did not ever truly realise the principle and meaning of that, until the realisation of it right now. And now that I am an adult and taking a bit more responsibility on my own, I am realising that I do not have a great relationship with myself, nor with anyone, to be able to convince anyone to give me any sort of money and any substantial amount of money. And how I’ve always had this fear of doing that, because my parents would always complain that, “oh you’re always asking  me for money”, when the fuckers never realised that they are the greedy ones, and are always trying to ask for help, but never any of the help back in return. So no wonder, I wasn't taught to ever give to anyone as I would like to receive the help in return as well, not loving thyself, as I would love thy neighbor, not giving as I would like to receive from thyself, and even from others as well. And in realisation, I have no true idea of what it is like to give and help one another as I would like to receive, no wonder my life is the way it is, due to the wrong definition of what giving and helping truly is. When in fact and reality, I have been stealing from others, and that I have been especially stealing from myself, and that I am the real jackal that is stopping me from making any sort of substantial amounts of money. Same with communicating to persuade others to be able to give me money, pay me money for my product or service, or whatever it is that I am selling as, and even myself as a person for them to work with me, and how I am not able to convince anyone to be able to give me money. Because in fact, I am truly afraid that others might steal from me, so I’ll steal from myself, and say the wrong thing and blunder  out a mistake on accident, from my own ego, and not realise that  I have done so, in consequence for the worst.

I realise that I am a modern day living jackal, and was formed and turned into a jackal of my own, and taking from myself, and being so oblivious to life, and how I am only operating on my own. And not getting the help from anyone, just because I don’t think I deserve the actual help, because I never believed and have had any certainty at all whatsoever to be able to deserve and believe that I deserve to help myself, as I would like to help another and how another deserves the help. However, I have been deserving to steal from myself, as the modern day devious and deceptive jackal, that I am not trustworthy, and not honest to help myself in any way at all whatsoever. No wonder I do not have the best communications and relationships with others to be able to convince them to be able to work with me, because i never believed in convincing me, because I’ve always had some type of backlash, because I was truly not sincere about my expression and for what i was selling another on, that which I could not do, because I felt so inferior and superior in contradiction at the same time, to another, to think that I am superior to another, but in fact, I am in fact inferior, and have always seen myself that way, and how I had to unconsciously subconsciously, to become superior than another, for another to give me what I want. But in fact, reality does not work that way, but for what I had made  up in my mind to think that I am superior and not inferior, when in fact and reality, I was truly inferior, and in denial of what practicality was and what wasn’t. And how oblivious and truly deceptive I was to be believing and operating like that and how I have created that notion and perception on my own, not realising that I am stealing from myself and from others, with having the wrong definition and notion and perception of what it is to truly help one another, instead of stealing from one another, and especially, for me to be witnessing that I am Stealing from myself as I would steal from another. Just because  I did not have enough and was never taught to ever help one another to have enough, because my parents never had enough to be giving to me. Because in fact, they were always stingy with their money, no wonder they never helped, and how no wonder I do not have the money that I want in my life, because I was stingy with my money as well. So no wonder I was taking it from others. Stealing the opportunity to realise that I do not know anything, and didn’t even bother to realise that I have been stealing from myself, my whole life, ever since, my parents were so stingy with their money, and how I am within that in my own expression as a being and a person and individual. That I am truly not worthy of giving, but unworthy of even stealing from one another, as I would and am stealing from myself. How pathetic that is from myself, and how  i have never realised that I have been doing this for so long, and how it has affected each and every decision that I’ve ever made. Every reaction, and action made, consequence done, those that could not be undone, and how I couldn’t even forgive myself, at the time and to do it effectively to be free and to stop the consequence before it happened. But it would happen anyway, because I had the definition of not having enough and therefore sequentially, I would steal, from others, and even from myself, and for myself, to stopping the opportunities that I would have realised and could’ve had for myself. But too bad, I couldn’t at the time, until right now.

I commit myself to redefining what it is truly and become as the expression as me as the flesh to truly give as I would like to receive, to myself, and to others and with others. And understand what and how and why to do so, because it shows the sincerity of me and how I can help others, as i would like to help myself, in true 100% delivering and giving from and to myself, as I would do so for another with the utmost actual sincerity that is best for another another, as it will be best for me as well. For what’s best for all. Understanding that giving to people to what others need to hear respectively and to do so carefully, as I would like it for me to have the same as well, and giving myself the opportunity and understanding and questioning why and how i could be doing better to giving much more better and effectively to another, as I would like to be giving to myself in the best ways possible that is best and that is better for me, as it would and will be better for another as well. Within that, for as I see myself as life and life redefining words of giving, as I would like to receive, as to myself and from myself and to one another as i would do unto myself in redefining and living words as giving as I would like to receive in the best ways possible, as life, within directive principle as LIFE!

I commit myself to understand what it is like to serve and give to humanity, with patience and  persistence and patience perseverance, and to always improve how I give to myself, as I would like to receive and be done unto me as well. That for which in the best ways possible, and I commit myself to show that when and as an abuser stops by to see what they can take from me to give to another, I will immediately deny the abuser and turn them the other way and go somewhere else. And to not allow any sort of abuser who wants to be taken from me, or anyone, and how that is not best for me, nor for the person as themselves and who they are and what relationship that he/she has with themselves, to be taking to give to one another. And if one another wants to give genuinely, and the the person trying to help them, is not helping me to give to another and realise that, then i will stop and breathe and realise who the true real abuser is, and deny that person immediately, and help one another in the best ways and unison cooperation possible for what’s best for all! For as I see myself as redefining living words to adapt and improve to, and improve and adapt as self directive principle as becoming an effective leader and self leader, as living expression and resonance.

I commit myself to help my kids understand how and what it is and why it is like to truly give as we would like to truly receive, in the best ways possible that’s best for all humanity, and to show that abuse is not the answer, but giving and providing to my kids in the best ways possible with the right definition and proper care and affection to them and with them as I would like for them to receive, as I am giving to them. And teaching them how to properly give and and understand what it is like to give and know how to do so, as they are growing up to be older and older, they will become effective and supported 100% of the way, and to truly make their lives effective and the best abundant lives possible, to and with others for the better. And to help my wife realise this and how we will do what is best, not out of responsibility and obligation, but to do it out of giving as we would like to receive and to do it with responsibility with the right definition of doing so, that is best for one another to benefit, in the best ways possible, that shows true love as giving as we would like to receive, with care and affection and leadership for one another, as for our kids and for what we do in our respective professions as businessman and businesswoman, as Entrepreneurs, to do what is best for all, within the right and proper effective definition of what’s best for all!, for as I see myself as life and life living words of the true giving and understanding what true giving is, as my expression and resonance for who I am as a leader and self leader within directive principle for what’s best for all life as I, as one, as equal, as equality and oneness!

I commit myself to ultimately give to myself as I am giving to and expressing to and into my reality and with others, an understanding of how to persuade others to give/pay me money for what I am doing in my business and truly believe with the utmost certainty for what’s best for all. And to help others with the true sincerity and expression as I, as me, as one as an absolute individual as me, to give and master my creation and expression with others as equal and one as another. That no one is superior, nor inferior, it is only who they are in difference as expression, should be considered to help for, and realised with patience and help of persuasion in what I am doing that is best for the environment and and for what the world needs for a cleaner and educated environment. Within cleaner energy to be provided, and what, how, and when and where and who, why should be given to and benefited. And how society will benefit from this, and who is  able to benefit from what I am persuading and giving to one another to making it compelling and sincere from my expression as me as who I am as an absolute individual to and with one another, within the genuine redefined expression for what’s best for all with the utmost sincerity to help one another, and to say what is needed and necessary for what’s best for all in the best ways possible, respectfully and effectively, for what’s best for all! For as I see myself as life and living words as giving and persuading others at any level and developing levels to substantial amounts of money dealing in business as a self leader and leader to others, as self directive principle for what’s best for all!

I commit myself to strictly give to myself, no matter how I feel and to do it with and out of Principle for what’s best for my life and for what’s best for all, with patience and persistence, with patience and perseverance, no matter what I am doing and where I am. And to do so effectively for the better. For as I see myself as life and living words as giving as I would like to receive to and for myself and with others, and cooperating with others within the group to do business and to develop to higher calibers and substantial levels of money in business and in life for the better. For as I see myself as life and living words,  as giving as I would like to receive in the best ways possible, that’s best for all, and for me, as a self directive principle, as a developing leader and self leader for the better.

I commit myself to write self forgiveness to forgive myself of what is not best within me and for me as my expression, whether it be subconsciously, unconsciously and to realise that and become free from what is holding me back from that is not best for what I am doing to myself and for my reality and my relationship with me and with others and physical reality itself. And to stop and breathe, when and as a reaction would come up, and take self directive principle as the breathe and focus on breath, and to take care of what is here in reality, with no judgement, but knowing what to do, as Neo, as my own expression and developing expression for what’s best for all life for the better. Within that, I commit myself to write self commitment and self corrective application to live and use the tools of TechnoTutor, self forgiveness and self corrective application within writing and changing myself resonantly and becoming truly effective in how I express and Live myself as my being and expression to give and do what’s best for all, delivering 100% and giving 100% of and to and from myself as one, as equal, as equality and oneness and oneness equality for what’s best for all life. Within that, to cooperate with groups of people who are doing what’s best and wants what’s best for the environment as energy and education, and other ways of making money to become truly effective in this reality and life to create a world where each and every person deserves a true effective reality and abundant reality with wealth and prosperity for the better. For as I see myself as life and life living words of giving as I would like to receive, in genuine, and sincere expression as who I am as me as my being and expression resonantly, with soundness of purpose and soundness of expression and being and giving as me, as who i am as the individual within the physical as expression for what’s best for all life as living redefining words as  a leader and self leader, as self directive principle to do what is best for all LIFE!!

Day 75: Redefining Time

 Time

(Read aloud and Breathe)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that as a father, I have ruined and demised the definition of time to my son and how when and as a certain time would come to go to anyplace. Whether it be an airport or restaurant or any other place, I would tend to rush him, as if he needs to be hurrying up his breath and to waste it and be so quick to get things ready, he would end up missing out on what he was supposed to get and/or pack of something to be ready for his flight or any other place he would attend to arrive to, as being on the way. And how I was doing this myself, not realising that I was doing it, and was rushed the same way in the military, and how no wonder my drill sergeants rushed me and my friends and war buddies rushed me and how my parents did the same thing to me. All the jobs that I’ve ever worked had rushed me, and then I lived the living point of the words as the  flesh as me as rushing wasted breath on time of something that wasn't even worthy of my time, and how I am just wasting it on feeling good entertainment, whether it be education or not. And how my son is possibly doing the same thing in my own assumption, and how no wonder he wasn’t able to use his time effectively  and to use actual effective extreme application. And how I was never able to do that, but to rush and imprint and impose that upon  my son, even when I did wake him up to be going to school, and how it would be a  certain time to wake up, I would expose him to the light and rush him to get someplace to  get up right away and force shit, force freshening up, force piss, force eat, force his being to rush himself, by making him force rush to obligated to  take a responsibility, that he was being rushed for and now has the wrong definition of what  actual time is and how  to even use the damn thing at all. And how I had done that shit to myself, and how I am not doing it to my son, a s other people have done it to me in all ways and varying  degrees to the point of no return fro rushing with wasted breath on  something was to be meant to be bombarded even before it was bound to happen, and it was all due to my fault and low  quality of d decision and leadership from myself and to my son, what a fucking Idiot I am. And how no wonder my son, always has to rush himself to be obligated  to do something, and how I have tamed in him ways to be and act this way, that is not even him, it is just another reflection of me and how I pursue about actual time and breath itself, and rushed breath and it’s definition of being and expression of what time is and how to use it. When in fact and reality, I don’t know how to use time, nor do I even know how to do anything about it, and have the absolute wrong definition of time and have wasted so much of my life, and how I have influenced my son detrimentally in the worst ways possible about time and how no wonder, his life is not to be where it is and how I was the one who had fucked with his foundation,  thinking that when and as he would start some type of trouble, which would usually start from me. And  how I was the one who  would start trouble and then I would make up the excuse of there are 18 year olds that move out, and you’re not able to?, well I was the one to cause to deject that ability and object that ability for it to not happen, therefore, he is not  able to be self sufficient on his own, and how I was never able to do so either, and how no wonder his life is the way it is as well. And how my life is and has been the way it is for a very long time, and how I have so much regrets and wasted so much of breath and time, that  I took for granted and never valued any of it, but sequestered it into different areas of my life and always wasted time doing stupid shit, and to think that when and as my son would get sick some days, I would have to compromise my work and waste money and time, to take care of him, and how I get angry over my money, and to value it much over life. And how i am already wasting it, and how that is a bit confusing, but I am nothing but a confused fuck up, and tarnished it for the actual absolute, worst.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush each and every breath and in every moment that I would make and how nothing was ever truly valued, and that when and as my dad would take off of work and have to be obligated to take care of me. I saw his angry face, as he  was compromising his work and lost money for that day, and how he was angry at me, valuing money over my life as if my life didn’t matter and how nothing ever mattered to me, and how he never  cared about me, but wants me to move out and never take care of me. And how I never knew in actual  realisaton that I did not have a a good foundation to be able to be on my own, nor do I have enough of the money to be able to do what I want and how scaling and defining time was wasted for me and how I have wasted my time, just like how my father had wasted his time, his whole life, sequestering it into different areas and have fucked it up for me, and how i was imprinted and imposed to see what he was doing and how he was fucking himself over with time and wasted breath on wrong things that don’t even matter, an how I was now doing the same thing to be as the inner as the outer reflection of the fool who never had my own best interest at heart  but his own interests and that I have been truly neglected and tarnished and ignored and abuse for the worst. That when and as i would go to travel  to some place or go wherever, I would be rushed to be woken up, or even going to school, and to be bombarded and  my door opened and rushed by someone who thinks they should have some right to be rushing me, and how  it is only that shitty of a quality that is ONLY within the person who is rushing me to think that I need to be rushed to be  and go somewhere, just because my father had been used and abused in the army like a weak pussy as he was. And how he was doing the same thing to me, in his reflection to what he had experienced within the army and from other people who never had his best interest at heart at all either, whatever. No wonder I am operating my life on the wrong definition of time and breath that wasn’t truly even serving me at all whatsoever. No wonder I am not able to make the money that i wanted to make, and how  I have wasted my time on the wrong things that never served me any sort of actual value that could bring me something true to my life.and how i have abused it and even my  attention and focus on things that never was able to make anything, nor could I even think for myself, because someone had made the thinking for me and I was not truly  aware of me as the physical body as me, and not just within the physical. And how nothing was actually in effect for me to be able to direct my reality, and how I was never able to do that and cultivate my time and how my extreme application was tarnished, due to the feeling and definition and breath of the existence and expression of what time meant to me. And how it is just a mere abused assumption that i thought that was true, but was just another reflection and abused definition that I have been living from someone else who has never truly ever cared for me to be doing such things like that to me as if I haven’t a clue and how I shouldn’t be having someone to direct my thinking from someone who is plainly abusive and stupid and ugly, and has a shit attitude to be directing me about my life. And how he has no say over my life, and how he has abused me for so long, and how I have come to do the same things as he was doing to me. And how much of the instability that I’ve had for myself, in extreme abject bullshit excuses that I would live as and not realise how much my life was truly fucked and nothing was actually in even happening in my life, nor could I even properly execute, but to exhaust my efforts, about just thinking about it, and them, and never doing anything about it, as if life wasn’t here, when in fact and reality, life was always here, and nowhere, else, and how everything was always a painful consequence to me, because i could NOT process my reality effectively, nor could I execute anything to get anything done, no wonder, my life the way it is, with not enough money, not enough money to take care my health, my relationships with others and especially the relationship that i have with myself. And how I am not able to take care of anything, because of what and where I got my own definition of time and how I have fucked it up for myself. Within that, even from me witnessing this from others, as from my mom and how she would sleep in and not do anything and wait for things to be last minute to be done and how my dad would would the same thing, in oblivion and how I never trusted fuckers anymore, and how I realised that they are both abusers, thinking that my mom is better, but in fact and reality, she is nothing but a fucking moron idiot, just like my father. And how I am nothing but a shit reflection of her, and how no wonder she will never fix herself , nor will she ever change, she will always be the same. And how I am another reflection of her as according to time, money, and over indulgence, of what and when the day would end or even during the day to buy things that don’t even matter, just because I’ve got the money and how I need to fuel that for my happiness instead of using time effectively to be making money and getting things actually done for real. And howI saw my parents neglect and tarnished sand ignore their life with being ignorant and not truly aware and how I have lived my life to be just LIKE there’s in the image and motion and  expression of the  LIKENESS, as a necessity, when it is not a necessity, it  is a fucking lie. And how I have lived the fucking living lie of people who never cared about me, but only their own self delusional like self interest that don’t even matter. And how I am doing that to my life, without a true care of what life is supposed to mean to me and how I never truly valued my time, but to sequester it into different areas that weren’t even best for me, and how I would postpone until the very last minute of going to bed or going to some place. Of any task or assignment, whether, it be in the morning and how I would waste time and stare into the abyss, as if I Need to be in front of a campfire and be in front of a  sign that says to sit here and be warm and how  I would do that constantly over and over and over again. Not ever considering the fact that I was sitting in front of many fires, and until  all the fire  wood that would caputs, I would end up buying more, and sooner or later my supplies would go empty. And  even my money, and how I would do this on an up and down cycle of my own emotions, not realising that I am the one who is living these up and down emotions of cycles that i am living to waste breath on and time as if time is unlimited, in fact it is, but I am wasting it, and not using my time effectively, therefore, my life as hasn't been the very best. It has been in absolute delusion, and wasting time to be doing certain tings at a certain time, whether it be making at 6 and finishing the things I would do in the morning for my process and then wait till like  10 or 11 to do whatever or sometimes it would be the complete reverse and do the opposite and how I would waste SOOOO MUCH fucking time, like beyond belief, being so stupid and blind and delusional about it and how I realised my father would do the same shit, even my deadbeat oblivious mother would do the sam things, would do the same oblivious things, over and over and over and over, day in and day out. Not ever considering that she was wasting her life away, and never realising it, and how I was doing the same thing as she  as doing and how I was doing the same thing that my father had imposed upon  me and imprinted upon me, and how I would rush myself in each and every decision that i would make. And how I would do the same thing to myself in business, and rush others to doing things for my business and with my business and with me as well. And even when it came to jobs, I would rush others, and sometimes I just be so exhausted and drag my feet to be doing nothing and how others would tend to rush me. Then something within me would rush me ,when someone was seeing me that I was being slow and not working fast enough as if I needed to be watched and cultivated and rushed and always looked after as if  I can’t do anything on my own. In fact, I could, but I didn’t do anything with a true effective extreme application that was to be effective for me to actually perform for real. No wonder my life is the way it is for so many damn years, and how my parents would never do what was best for me, it was always in their own ebay interest, and how I never got to be shown the actual true care and affection, I’ve only ever got the  neglected and ignored version of that and was only attended to by feeling and never by principle. They only cooked for me when they felt good, they only did things for me when they  felt good, helped me out when they felt good, and they never did whatever it took for me to help me with what I wanted, needed or whatever it was. Whether I would be sick or not, and how I am not doing that that to myself obviously, doing things when and as I would feel like it and waste precious time as if I need to be feeling good or better the very next day just to do something, and how no matter if I had adequate time to execute extremely and effectively on what I was even doing. And how i fucking tarnish that for myself, and how my parents only operated on whether if they felt good or not to  feed me and help me, when and as if I would be sick or not. And how no wonder I have had the wrong definition of time and what it is like to help me and myself, and to only do it if  i felt good about anything and never did anything out of self trust and self honesty. Because fucking shit dude, I never fucking had the damn self trust and self honesty, therefore, I was always dishonest in some varying and underlying  waking degree, but I finally got the realisation at 17, that my coach from mixed martial arts, said to me when you want something go out there and get it, don’t wait for yourself or anyone, if you want it, you can get it. And how he was the only person who ever told me to trust myself, clearly in that saying and quote to trust myself and how no matter how much effectively fast and hard and smart I would apply that. I was always falling constantly because I was never able to truly ever live the self trust, it  was all based on some type of feeling eve since, and how I was in this up and down cycle of feeling good or not, but majority of the time, I would always make the time, but i would always fall constantly, and had truly developed some fucking real balls and self trust and self honesty ever since. But things were never really good ever since, when my instability from childhood, started to set up, when and as I would get into business, or either have a girlfriend, and things would just go fucking south  and it literally would take me off the cliff. Like something I was not in true realisation of, and eventually sooner enough, I would do this  again, each time I had a relationship, but I was never able to maintain a relationship even with others and even with myself, because I had an effective relationship with myself, because I was always separating me from me, and being in this other realm of life, that i thought to be true and effective  for me. But yet it was always ineffective. Therefore, my life was never truly for the better. And how IT was always neglecting and ignoring it and being in full denial of what was already here and how I was neglecting life, as MY parents had neglected and was in full denial of life. And how therefore, I am doing the same thing to myself, and to OTHERS, and for that, others started to disgust me and distrust me and never was wanting to be truly self honest and to perceive and see me as trustworthy ever since. And how I would never do what I would say, it would always be the absolute opposite, and therefore, at the time,I was living the living words of a hypocrite, and never was in true  alignment with what the hell I was saying and preaching. Therefore I was nothing to a deceiver, and was not truly  value of and to life. Nor was i even valuable to my own life and to what I was saying and my sayings were nothing but philosophy, trig to be a philosopher, but I was nothing but a fool, just filling a loss further, and not filing any sort of value, nor could I even apply what the fuck I was saying, because I didn’t know meaning to it. But the saying had some meaning to me, but I never could truly live it, nor were other people who were preaching movement, betterment, advancement, but  at times they would just do it with fear, and how they would do the same thing as their parents and other people, school teachers and other people who do business. We're all in the same boat, preaching movement, betterment, advancement and how no one was living the true living words that I even knew of, because in fact, I was a loser, as everyone else was and still is a loser, for the absolute worst. And how this had affected me in each and every way due TO TIME, and how I neglected and ignored it from and for myself, and how i would  say these things, but waste time by not applying it, as if i haven’t a clue of what it is like to be using my time valuably, but I was never in effect and ability to be able to do that. Therefore, I wasted my preaching and philosopher, values on wasted breath and meaningless preaching words that were to be of advancement, betterment and movement, and how I was never able to do any of those things, therefore, I don’t even know what he fuck I was talking about. And I was in fact, delusional for the worst.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a mother to be wasting my time on buying things for my happiness and how I have never cultivated the things that I've since bought but never really used. But only wanted to buy it to save my time and happiness, just as so I can feel good and not pay attention to what needs to be done and how I’ve been doing things, even before my son was born and even before I met the fucking deadbeat who I am with now obliviously, still living with him, and how still with my son as if I haven't really left quite yet. And how therefore, I have truly the wrong definition of what time is and comparing it to the cross reference of what it is like to be somewhat of an idiot moron consumer, slave that hasn’t realised what she has been doing with her money for her whole life and how nothing has been in a actual working order and its effectiveness for other people to be not noticing the abuse and  atrocities thatI am doing to myself while no one has a true c are for me. And even i don't, no wonder my financial life and before emotional life was already tarnished before it came to be this way, not having enough, not being able to have enough, it’s always some type of lack and limitation within the time limit and  being restricted of my resources because I was the one who hd  depleted my own resources  to waste so much time and how my son has seen me do this to myself. And how when and as i want to go places, or he wants to go places by himself and he will mostly  and highly unlikely go anywhere on his own, because he doesn’t have the proper resources that were wasted with time and all the feel  good bullshit that I was feeding myself, like a stupid whore, going after shit that I don’t even need. But I want it to buy it anyway, because I thought it would be some type of treasure keeping hunt to keep something that would possibly be valuable one day. and  in fact that one day has never came, so no wonder I have wasted so much thousands of dollars on wasted clothing, opening a business and bankrupting it a week later, because I thought people should be coming to me, instead it is me who has had the reputation, the operation experience, and entrepreneurship spirit, and how that was NEVER within me, and how no wonder I had to close my doors, even the place I had rented and bought out, wasn’t a good location, and how I wasn’t getting any sort of business, and how I felt so embarrassed for my son to even see me for what was happening to my business and myself and for what i am doing to myself, will be wha my son will be doing to himself, to have nothing but failed businesses, thinking customers and clients and operations  experiences should already be there, but reality doesn’t work that way, I have to have the skills and abilities to be able to show myself and express myself to be able to attract those people but I did not have that resonance, therefore my son will never have that resonance in my assumption. Due to my instability that I didn’t even know what to do when it came to opening and building a business, nothing was ever of efficiency, it was inefficient, ineffective, stupid, idiot, moronic, and how no wonder I have failed in business and now still continuously to work for another moron that probably doesn’t have my best interest, nor do I either at all whatsoever. No matter what it is that I am doing to get money or not. I am still buying shit that I don’t need, and how my son will be doing the same atrocities to waste time, and resources, when and as he wants to go travel or buy something or invest in something. He will not have it, because it was due to me influencing him by my efforts and lack of limited efforts to be showing him what my mistakes are and how i have fucked my financial future and emotional future, same within destroying his future as well, as he was watching me obviously as if he didn't even know what was going on. And how I never told him the truth ever since, but he witnessed me sabotaging myself and ruining myself, and wasted a substantial loan to open up a business and expect it to be built by itself, but it does not work that way. I had to be the one who was to build it and hire great people, but I never could hire great people. Because I was never great myself at doing anything, nor communicating with others, no wonder I wasn’t able to do anything to open any sort of business, nor buildit either, and how my son will be at a loss for words and inability to do anything that he wants to build, instead of giving up so easily, when it came to opening time, and the skills and abilities and resources and the wasted time that has come to be where it is today. Nothing is in abundance at all whatsoever, it is nothing but lack and limitation, for a fucking mere self interest that I’ve always wanted for myself and always had to be secretive and hide shit from my son and husband, because I didn’t trust them, nor did I even trust myself, no wonder my business failed, and how my financial and resources have failed, due to the way how my son will live his life as well.

I for myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that when and as resources are wasted and not built up to a certain amount of time, and when it does come to time to invest or buy something or whatever opportunity has arised. All the wasted effort and time and resources have been depleted and how I have watched and witnessed my parents do the most stupidest shit to themselves and how they are doing it to me and how I have witnessed my mom fuck herself time and time again financially, and emotionally buying shit that she doesn’t need. And how not building up the proper effective resources to be able to get to where she can able to have something up until this time, and how she has nothing left but to a slave consumer job to go to and how I have done the same and how I haven’t nothing and have spent 50% of my money that I could’ve have as actual profit. But  I decided to compromise it and myself, for the goodness and sake of my feeling and thinking something outside of me is going to change, but when in fact and reality it is I, who has the change to and ability, changes me and to use self honesty within that. But I never had actual self honesty, nor the self trust, because my parents never had the fucking self honesty, nor the trust, and how I would never have it as well, from watching and witnessing people who were destroying their financial life and emotional life, and how I was going to be doing the same thing without any question, nor challenge, to be seeing what  i was doing to them and even myself, even buying things with their money and how I never did knew ever how to make anything for my own. So no wonder I had to be taking from other people as my parents and how I thought they were taking from me, when in fact and reality, I was the one who was taking from them and also as well, I was in fact, taking from myself, because I had realised the opportunity to create on my own, becauseI was never taught to create create on my own, therefore, I felt like I had to always depend on others and how to not be independent and make my own decisions. I never have any sort of pattern in my resonance and being able to do that. Because I always had the utter crutch of dependency, on people who never had my best interest at heart and mind and have always fed me bullshit and even the instability and same with the abuse as well, for the very much ineffective and inefficient, worst. No wonder I do have the money, nor the resources to be able to do what I want to do, and how I don’t have anything, nor the proper effective skills to be doing anything at all whatsoever. No wonder my life is the way it is since, the very age of 12 or 13, when I witnessed the fuckers ruin themselves, at and from the very beginning start when the bitch wanted to start her business, my father abusing my time and making me get up at times and rushing me when and as I didn’t like him doing that. And how I am not doing those things to myself, not realising that I was living the living expression of abuse and tarnished living from my parents and how they wanted to impose and imprint that on m, without any fucking question, challenge or realisaton of anything and how I did that to myself, ruining myself as if my life ever since has never gotten better, due to what I was imposed and imprinted on. And how much time and the definition of that time, that I have wasted, and even within the resources that I DO NOT fucking have, because of what i define time as, and how money is to be spent within that time frame, just to get a certain thing that is going off the shelf, it’s one left, the words are red or some shit, and how i was influenced by buying those things, just because i “thought” I actually needed them, but I never needed them but was only manipulated by the advertisement on Ebay or Etsy or any other place to buying from and how I never was in actual realisation of I should be doing with my time and money and  resources, that I have depleted, same with my mother and father doing the same atrocities that fucked my life financially, resourcefully, and even time and breath effectiveness, has come to be ineffective and inefficient, and have depleted of my resources that I will never have unless I change for real and rebuild it with the right starting point that’s best for me. Within that, I truly have the wrong definition of what time is, money is, resources stability, it was instability, unstable financial resources, and skills and wishy washy wishful thinking that things have to come to me, but when in and fact reality, reality does not work that way, it requires my effort and cooperation and leadership to do so, within effective communication as well in order to build an actual real business. But it was too soon to be given up on, forever more, so easily, as if building something should be given up on and never  to go forth with it, no matter how daunting and hard it comes to be. I was never able to truly persist and persevere no matter how much I did persist and persevere to create my life to be where I wanted it to be. But my foundation wasn’t letting me, so therefore, I was not truly able to do what I the FUCK I wanted to do, therefore, my life is the way it is, depleted financial capital, depleted resources, depleted network, depleted life, no purpose, no money, no nothing, not even the best relationship that I should be having with myself, and how no one has it with me wither, nor do I have it with them either. And how my life was never going to get better, if I don’t do something about it with extreme effective application of myself to change truly for real with self forgiveness and self corrective application and participating within the group and the system at local, to state, to government, to nation, to international and to soon, the world. And how my life has been the way it is and how it is to be, since those imposement and imprinting from those people who are now just strangers to me, since I was at the age of 12 or 13, and ever since, my life was bound to be destroyed for the worst by and even 5-7, and it was bound to be destroyed, by those people who never had their own best interest in themselves, nor will they ever truly understand to have that within me, because they, do not give a shit. And how i never truly did, either at all, whatsoever.

When and as I see myself wasting my time on things that I think I need to buying, just to always new things and not realise how this will affect my resourcefulness, I stop and breathe and do not get it and increase my effort to create more money, and my skills to become better so I can be able to buy what is best for me and not just that.

When and as I see myself wasting my time on ineffective and inefficient things that are not growing me as a person to increase my skills and abilities and my stability, I stop and breathe, and stop doing what is not best and immediately turn to what is best for me to do to increase my skills and abilities and my stability within becoming more and more resourceful within that and along with the realisations as well.

When and as I see myself rushing myself and having the wrong definition of time and having to rush myself to go to a place, inefficiently and ineffectively, I stop and breathe, and take my time and do it effectively planning ahead of time and executing with extreme  effective application for the better.

When and as I see myself in attempt to want to buy something new and to feel good and deplete my resources  of what I want and should be having, I stop and breathe and do something else that is better and resourceful than just buying something that doesn’t necessarily have any effect to be making me any money at the moment, no matter what it is, for now.

When and as I see myself trying to in an attempt to give myself a back door in my self forgiveness of anything, I stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself trying to in an attempt to buy something to make me feel good ro whatever it is, because of time constraint upon the advertisement and how it is just only one left, for what I do not have yet to have enough of, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself giving up so easily to wanting to build something and wasting even a minute or a second or an hour to be resting and not building continuously to create something truly valuable and better, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself not using my time and being aware of my breath and time effectively, and how i am using it inefficiently and ineffectively, I stop and breathe and realise what the fuck I am doing and immediately get to finishing what I was doing and do it with extreme effective application.

I realised that my childhood was tarnished by people who never had my best interest in mind and nor did they have it in themselves, and how I somehow have come to behave and believe the way they have been operating their lives and who I have to come here and here I am in my life. Depleted of resources, depleted or money, and depleted or relationships, and how that is never going to come back into my life, unless I do something about it to rebuild my life, that my parents and how I have witnessed them destroy their relationship with themselves and i what they did and what they’ve done to themselves and how much irrelevant impetus they have caused themselves. And how I was in attempt to ruin that for myself as well, without any question and challenge to why someone was actually doing something that wasn’t best and how I never was in relation to challenge and question if anything of my living efforts that I was not cross referencing with self honesty and self trust within myself to see what my parents as people were doing to ruin their lives, an how I was bound to as well, to ruin my life and do things that are not best for me. Even when it came to money, and having to buy things that aren’t even best for me and how I never realised that I was doing the same things that my parents were doing and these fuckers have defined time and money as, especially time. And how they have depleted their own resources and money and how their lives are not where it is supposed to be and how i was bound to be the one who would also as well destroy my life financially and emotionally from the get go and start from people Never did care about me, and tried to show me superficial love, but in fact it was abuse, all this time, and how i never knew they were trying to do things out of abuse, and never out of true care and affection,  it was abusive love, in fact. And how they have never realised that, but it was that way, and has been that way, especially with the deadbeat father, who is just a stranger to me  and who is basically a nobody, and deadbeat who just stays home all day and never does anything with his life having to retire with little to nothing to his name. Which he has nothing to his name and how he is barely surviving, and how i am the same way currently. Due to my habits and ways and impulsiveness to buy things that are not even best for me. Therefore, I do it anyway, because I think I need those things.

Therefore, I realise that my mom was the same way and how I had to compromise my money and resources and have done the same thing as she had done to fuck her self financially and emotionally with so much instability and how i am doing the same atrocities that she and her deadbeat husband has been doing to make me ruin my life. And how I was watching and downloading what they were doing that was NOT best, and how I was bound to do so, not even a question, it was there, i was oblivious to the fact that my life was going to be destroyed financially and was going to have the wrong definition of money and resources and TIME, itself, and how wasted it is going to be. Due to the timeline and events of what was NOT built properly and effectively. It was all ineffective and inefficient to where I will not be able to truly build anything, but to easily give up and close my shit down and never do anything with my life, being a close thinking and doer, just like my mom and my father. Who are just nobodies now they, are losers walking around with a pestering mind and how negative and broke they are, how disgraceful for someone  to be doing those things to themselves without even realising that they ARE doing it to themselves, without any question, challenge or whatever the fuck it is. And how my life is and way it has been for a long long fucking time, since 12 years or even younger, when I started going back to elementary to it 5-7 or somewhere, I was neglected of my sleep and had to wake up early the next day, and could not wake up, and how my father had to come to wake me up and rush me and how I didn’t like being rushed. And had totally the wrong definition of what time and before and it’s cause and effect of what has been built up all the way before  of what is bound tot be actual result of an ongoing basis that was going to be in effective and inefficient due o what i was never going to be able to realsie and understand that my life was bound to be fucked people who NEVER  gave a fuck about their lives and how i was bound to be the same one, being truly ineffective and inefficient in who I am as expression and what I live as living words that were not going to be what was best for me. No wonder my life has been where it is and the way it is for a very long time. And how nothing has truly ever changed fundamentally financially and emotionally depleted of resources, BEYOND  belief, and how my future has truly been destroyed, by people have ruined me, and how I have ruined myself along the way, not realising that I was one of the advocates to ruin my life and how my life is the reflection of their abuse and blinded realisation, that they’ve never had. Therefore, my lief bound to be the same and reflection of theirs in my own creation, and how I will never be able to build anything for true reality, and I have to rebuild myself to do what is best for all, because the fuckers never cared so I HAVE to care and do it for real to have a better life and never allow any abusers, not even them. And how my life has truly been ineffective and inefficient due to my witnessing of the abusers and tarnishes of what how my life has truly become to where it is today, depleted of time, resources, relationships, especially the one relationship I have with myself, and how money and having the WRONG definition of time, and how it is just a reflection of what my parents defined as time and buying things that were never going to serve them to make more money, but if it did they, were going to spend it anyway, and how I was going to do the same thing as well. With pure stupidity, and how my dad would just spend it stupidly on stupid shit that he didn’t need either. It would be a never ending revolving abusive pattern and cycle, that would and will never end for anyone to be realising that abuse happens every day in this household, to anyone and anybody to others or not, to themselves or not, it happens, because no one has ever realised why one’s life is the way it is, due to the instability and being blinded by that, within the living words of what one is living. And how i am and that person who is living the abuse, same with my father, same with my mother, and how they are nothing to me, but strangers and idiots who just live here, and how I shouldn’t be here in this situation, but I have to, because I have no place to go, but here. So i have to rebuild and get out of here and be free, by starting with me and people who have principles and are doing what’s best for all life to do what is best to create an abundant life for the better, truly.

I commit myself to redefine my time and to build my resources and to do it effectively and efficiently where when and as I would come to have enough or more than enough for an investment otr anything that I want to buy as a book to read or anything that seems interesting and practical to buy with common sense, then I will do so within what’s best. To understand how the cause and effect would come to buying things or sell things, whether it be in business or not, relationships or whatever, and how I will understand how to do that effectively and truly understand the mechanics and movement that is and how to do it truly from the perspective of always using common sense effectively. For as I see myself as life and living redefining words of time within principled living as LIFE!

I commit myself to understand how to use the cause and effect rule, within the outcome of the time and where it will lead me, and to do so with my application of effective extreme application that will be best to do. And immediately apply myself and lead myself to create value and money along the way. And to create much more and improve my skills and abilities and not just focusing as well on the money, but to improve my skills and abilities, and the profits will come, as I am applying and moving myself, and living the preaching words that I do say and not just say them before I do anything and think that I am some philosopher. And sooner or later, the money will come in so fast, abundance will in some fast, I will have to get better resources along the way, as i moving and connecting with others and being here and genuinely  doing so, authentically giving and delivering of myself 100% of the way, no matter what happens and to do so patiently and persistently, patiently and perseveringly, in the best ways of effective extreme application possible to make each and every minute valuable and hour and day and week and month and quarter, 6 months to date and 1 year. And to measure how my life will be able to be with extreme effective application and leading others to do the same and help others realise that they should value their time and how to consider how to do it and do so, and see how their life will change drastically for the better, within offering the tools of Desteni I Process, and same with TechnoTutor, because they both go hand in hand, and to truly have an effective and build an effective life, with the support and helping one another truly develop the internal will power to express it within having and expressing on the outer, and doing so immediately, for them and not just for me. So we can all truly create a community and locality, and world, nation to nation, internationally, for a world that’s best for all, for the better. For as I see myself as redefining words and living words as self directive principle for living what’s best for all and as principled living and express for the better.

I commit myself to help my kids understand the value of my time and give them my time and energy and same with my wife and how we can truly give to them and  help them, while being there for them. And being truly attentive and with the proper care and affection that we are here together as one, as equal, as equality and oneness. To help them get the proper rest when needed, the proper nutrition when needed, the proper education all the time in the best efficient and effective ways possible when needed. To truly create a fertile environment to truly be created actual success and for the kids to flourish, to same with my wife and myself and when we invite our colleagues over and how the environment is so opulent and beautiful to where life is always amazing, and we are truly making it better with our living words and actions that are best for all. Within that to helping them understand and myself and my wife, to know how to do etiquette, and communicate  effectively, and of course to explain things to them and how it works and how certain things are and what we can do currently right now and what we can do with our efforts and the leverage of others, and not to do just the things we want to achieve and a accomplish just all by ourselves, that it contains with other people, and that we are truly inter-dependent on each other to truly create this reality to what’s best for all, for the better, for as one, as equal, as equality, as equality and oneness. For as I see myself as life and redefining words within principled living and expression for what’s best for all as self directive principle!


I commit myself to write self forgiveness to forgive myself, and compress the time for the possession that is not best within me, and when and as I see a reaction coming, I will write stop and breathe statements to stop myself and breathe and take self directive principle as life. Within realisation statements to write and realise what has affected me and how I am living my life right now, whether it be natural so to speak and in a heredity type like way that I have yet to notice for quite some time. Within that, I commit myself to write self corrective and self commitments to recorrect myself and live the living of the correction that is best for me and how I interact with others and what i do for my business as well. Within using the tools of Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application, and using extreme effective application with cross referencing with self honesty along the way. Same with my work and how i operate my life and with others, then to using the tools of TechnoTutor as well to create my self to become truly effective and efficient in how I express and build myself and my business and how I interact with others and communicating with others and how and what I can do to truly become effective in my expression and creation for life itself for the better. And congregating with others who ARE effective and keep out the abusers and never let anyone back in who is not welcome, nor worthy of our time and breath and energy for what’s best for us and for them. And within that, I commit myself to truly create a beautiful and opulent life for with who I am becoming to build myself, to recreate myself, to purify myself, to perfect myself, with self honesty and self trust along the way with extreme effective application from myself and for with others for the better, patiently and persistently, patiently and perseveringly, for as I see myself as life and redefining words as within principle and principled living as the expression of me as living words as self directive principle for doing and creating a world that’s best for all life!

Day 74: Sitting on someone as a joke?

 Get off of me, you’re going to break my ribs and head

(Read aloud and Breathe)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise and understand that I was a friend, who had sat on my friend, just to play around with him as a joke. As he was just looking at something and laying down for now, and how i just decided to come by and sit on him, and on his upper back. Then proceeding-ly, I put all my weight onto him, and crushed him, until he yelled out to get off of me, you’re to break my ribs, he said like two times, but I never complied, and when he said it again, he was almost out of air. And how i did not realise that I was jokingly playing around and was in an attempt to kill my own friend, being delusional and not listening to what he was saying to me and how I had completely disregarded him and what he was saying. And how i thought he was not being literal, and was playing around and how i did not know that, but when he did tell me, that, iI finally got off of him, and he said straight to my  face, “fuck you dude, you’re almost fucking killed me, asshole.” and how I was awestruck and said fuck you back, in a playful way, and how I am nothing but an abuser to my own friend, and how we’re not friends anymore, due to my obscure act and how I was just playing around, but that wasn’t going to help out for anything, nor was it going to solve for anything at all whatsoever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my own friend to sit on me and let him sit on me, and how I couldn’t even get up before he tried to sit on me and play around like a fucking idiot  as he was. Therefore, when he did sit on me, i couldn’t get up, and  even moments after  I said to  get off of me, and how I yelled to the stupid fucker again, GET OFF OF ME, YOU’RE GOING TO BREAK MY RIBS!!, and as i yelled once more, I was losing my breath, and felt my ribs so close to breaking and how this fool, idiot, moron did not realise that he was about to kill me, and i was losing my breath intake and couldn’t take anymore air in. Therefore, I was losing my strength and could not  get up, as the joke goes, I've fallen and I can’t get up, due to me not being  strong enough to get my friend who was much bigger than me in size and weight. And how i was remembering this memory, as a flashback, as it made me angry and livid to tell this person to get off of me. And as I was remembering the images and the control it had over me of this mechanism like motion picture, it made me impulsively implode and explode to yell GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME, yelling at night, before I was going to bed, not realising, that this particular image had a great control over me and how It was affecting me and my life and how I wasn’t able to listen to others, as if they need to get off of me. So then until I am able to help them and not bother me and try to yell at me. When no one was yelling at me, I was only forever reliving the memory as if it were real, but in fact and reality, it was not, I was letting it happen, and how i didn’t know what to do at the time, but I was tired that day, and last night. Within that, this mind image motion picture control that I have let activate, has made me so livid that I wanted to yell and have other people to fuck off of me, and never talk with me, and let me breathe. And how in fact and reality, I was in fact, acting out this abuse that was done to me many years ago, when and as I was 11 or 12 or whatever age it was. And how I have been doing this for years, ignoring people, as if they weren’t even there, and how I thought unconsciously and automatically that these people were not letting me breathe, by impeding with something they want from me, just because I do not have either a mask, or just influencing me to buy their bullshit that  I don’t need in my life. And how it was and is not worthy of my money, nor the use of it. And how these people are trying to give me something that I don’t need, that he/she may not be using in their life, and how this person is trying to in an attempt to sell it to me and be all in my face. And that is how I was operating my life, ignoring other people as if  they don't matter and are not letting me breathe. When in fact and reality, it is only me who is not letting me breathe,  and interact with others, as if I am some invincible person and/or invisible in a cloak where no one sees me, and that I am just  going where I need to go with a purpose. And ignoring people who  are not best for me, and ignoring my  reality, being in full denial of what reality consists of as it is, and how I have abdicated so much of responsibilities in my life and opportunities, therefore,  nothing hasn’t been truly of actual value creation from me, nor from others, and how i have truly abused and neglected it, and full ignored and was in full  denial of what reality was actually here  for. Therefore, I was not truly using my physical reality as my guideline within principle, and how I was only  disregarding what I was living as living words, not truly living what I want, and continuously falling  into the trap of ignorance, and being in denial of reality and physical reality and life itself. And how I have done the same thing to my life, and others lives, no wonder my life hasn’t fully improved and hasn’t fully fundamentally changed for real. Within that, my life hasn’t been the same for quite a  while, after living those living words and  those subconscious experiences, and unconscious experiences living, has gotten me to miss out hearing what I needed to hear from whatever I wanted to do and make it happen for myself. And how it has affected how I made money, tried to in an attempt to make money, and did not truly hear people out and to see and hear what another person has to say to me. Even in relationships, I have ruined and have  abdicated this, and how people were reacting negatively to me, just because I was truly not able to be attentive and aware and listen to what another has to say, that is as equally important to what I have to say as well. And even at times, my words seem to not have any sort of meaning, therefore, I realised in the past, I didn’t have any sound living like words that had purpose and true meaning to them. And how i realised no one was listening to me, and how i was doing the same to others, not listening to them and to see and hear what another person has to say. And immediately disregarding what another has to say, so  I can have my say that is much more important than hear someone spew out their bullshit to me, just so they can try to  be  apprehensive with me, and how i would accept and allow such ways of and means of that dimension that would soon possibly turn into a  reprimand, and that  I  would not ever accept and allow someone to ever  talk me down. No one is in no position to be telling me anything that is not best for me and with me. And  how  they are just doing the same, just because the same occurrence has happened to them, to perform the abuse, as he/she was and had the same consequence done to them, imprinted and imposed  upon them  as their  flesh and resonance and living charged negative words that were not best. But that were, traumatic, for the worst.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as an uncle to  sit on my nephew’s head, while I was visiting him in Houston again, and then when I was playing around with him. I sat on his  head, and how he thought I was going to fart his head. But funny enough, in fact  it  wasn’t to him, nor I, but in that moment, it was for me and not just for him. And how we were both having a great time, but and how it  was all positive and good, and how  I never knew that he was going to let someone in rare situation to sit on him, as i have done to him, not  realising that he was going to abuse himself by letting other people abuse him. As I have done to him, in a playful way, thinking it was positive, but in fact, it was not. And how I never realised that I was not letting him breathe, and how he would not listen to another person and to do it playfully. But I never knew in fact that it would  affect how he would make money and interact and operate his life with others and for and by himself as well. And how he  would possibly not listen to another and be playful about  it, and say he doesn’t hear another person, nor does he see them and how all kids play this stupid game. And  how it is a fun sort of game  like of ignorance, and how  that game is not meant for kids, they’ve only made it  up and/or started to do the same thing, because of other  tv shows and cartoon shows, and even from other kids who do the same stupid shit to  say that this person is not here and how I don’t hear  you. And or  if  someone is saying something that they don’t like, and would immediately, go into the stupid playful like spiteful play around that they don’t hear this person and  do not want to attend to any answer and obligation of anything. Within that, I forgive myself for  accepting and allowing myself as a nephew of my uncle to not realise and understand that I was doing the same thing, being so oblivious to the fact, that being playful and being ignorant and playing the ignoring  game, is not to be played with, but to be used  seriously and  actually effectively. And how i never knew that this would affect how I would live my life and how  I interact with others, whether  they are be of an equal and one individual or not, and how I was doing that today, but just wanted to walk  in and completely ignore the person and do what i wanted to do without a mask, because I don’t need it. And just  proceeded to drop off a mail piece and left out the door, and how i thought the very next few moments subtly, that they were  going to  rip up my piece of mail and not mail it, just because I disregarded them and never did even in attempt to listen and pay attention, and  as I did, she said  “okay…” in a dramatic slang African American way like culture and heredity like  raising to their own tonality and who they were around while growing up. And  how  I realised that I was doing the  same thing  and speaking like those people and other people, just to try to ‘fit in’, and later not listen to them but to have them listen to me, because I have more of the important  say, than one another, and how no one deserves to have a s ay over me, therefore I am the ruler and power  controller. But in fact and reality, I do not, I was only abusing the power I had, it affected me and how I interacted with others and to be in an attempt to make any  sort of  actual money, ever. And how it had affected me big time, in each and every cultivating decision that would pile up to play some type of ignorance game that I never was that was  detrimental to even do and realise that disregarding someone is  truly  disrespectful, nor  is it even good to do so, at all.

When and as I see myself completely disregarding who  I am interacting with, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself being fully in denial of my reality and who is here with me and what I am doing with others or even just by myself, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself playfully ignoring someone, when in fact I am in an attempt to possibly do it for real, I stop and breathe and be aware of where I am in reality as it is and what it could be for the better.

When and as I see myself rough housing with another and playing around jokingly in denial of what is going on with others and myself, I stop and breathe and take care of what is here in reality.

I realised that when my friend tried to sit on me, in a jokingly playful way, and how I remembered the actual memory again and played it within the images of its motion and how it had some deliberate control over me. Therefore, I couldn’t even process my reality, without having to implode to explode as within and without, on that very night, as I was about to go to bed and haven’t realised how much of a controlled image of what I had yet to  see for so many years and how it has been quite some time, and how this has affected my life is some way and varying degree. Affecting me in all decisions and interactions and who I am as a human being. And how it has affected how I interact with people and how I completely disregard people and go off into some other dimension of imagery and imagination and truly not being here as a reality physical substance, and how I feel as if time goes back a little too much more than expected. It is only me and the consequence of that and the result of that, of me not being here truly, than just being in the mind and how being in the mind of mines, is not going to work with anything to do what is best and to push myself, and to do things beyond my programming that which I could not even perform, because when and as those situations come, I wouldn’t be able to be aware and effective in what I am doing and who I am as expression as me, as one, as all, as equal. But it was never that way, until I have realised this up until now.

I realised that I was living the living words of someone else, as they were abusing me and ignoring me and not letting me get up, and how I am doing it to others, not realising where this subs-conscious con is coming from and for what I am expressing for me to experience such a consequence that is within my inner corruption, as my outer creation corrupted reality, that is not best for me. And how reality was always  cool to create, and amazing, but my mind was never able to let me, because of what I have been living as the patterns and the programming of the programs that were instilled and imposed on and within me, imprinted onto me and how In that  moment as my friend was sitting on me in a joking way, I could not breathe and was completely ignored by someone was about to  kill me, and how I was much more of a smaller person than he was, and how he did not realise that truly, in order to immediately get off of me, and let me breathe and actually live, as he would like to live. But now that I realise this, I understand he doesn’t want to live, therefore, his life is probably in the dumps somewhere, but whatever he does, he needs to realise and get his shit together, before something else soon hits the fan for him, and everything, will sooner or later become an immediate fuck for the worst. And how within that, I was doing the same, and let slow remedying cooked up consequences simmer slowly, until the water boiled and kept going and the water became too violent, to the point where I was slowly cooking away and boiling away my own life awareness and self awareness, where time was going by way too long to the point where no one was able to help me, and how I was just helpless even in the midst of trouble, wasting precious minutes, that could be attended, just because I wanted to participate in the mind and not be here in reality, and to do what is heeding my attention to create and attend to. And if I was never able to truly do that, which I never could in the past, as I am getting better of this, I wouldn’t be able to operate within life itself, and not just society, and congregating with others, in that context, and not just trying to be by myself, and have these ulterior motive like images and the control they have over me. And how I am remembering them, as if they have happened yesterday, so real, so surreal, but within the mind, to fuck with myself, as I was fucked with by another person who was fucked with, and how they are doing it to me and others. Now I found myself doing the same stupid shit, that’s abusive towards me and to others, just because someone has and had done to me, and now that when  I realised when I contacted this person a few months ago, he was in jail, and someone answered his messages, that he was in jail and preferred not to express her delusion, and self honesty to why he was in jail, and didn’t want to express it. Because it was ‘personal’, well I would like to know how he fucked up, so I can forgive myself of it, because I know she won’t do it, no matter how much a person is willing to listen, will they ever do it?, it will only forever more, require their self honesty and actual self trust, that they’ve never had, to do whatever it takes to make their life better, and to change their programming, for the better, if they have the Will Power at all, whatsoever.

I realised that my own friend wanted to abuse me, and how I am now abusing others, as I was abused and as well as disregarded immediately and obviously as if I haven’t a clue of what is going, within and around me, and outside of me, to what is here. And how I haven’t yet to notice that, up until the very moment, of that time, that second, that minute, that hour, that day, that week, that month, that quarter, that 6 months, that year. And how I have wasted so much time disregarding things, just because I was desegregated and how no one cared about me, but wanted to abuse me for their imposing, and imprints that were not best for me to experience and how I have lived a life of obviousness, and no true life awareness, and how I was only living the oblivious self awareness that i didn’t even have. But I have missed out on so much, to the point where I did miss out on a lot of opportunities to where I could not get those back and have  wasted so much breath and actual time on the wrongs that were not best for me. No wonder my life is the way, it is due to this person sitting on me and disregarding me as life, and how when I found out to where he was  many years later, he was in jail, like a moron, almost equally as fucked oblivious to now type like realisation, to where and how much we both have missed out so much on. Due to neglect, disregarding me and himself, to  SIT on me, as if I am some stool or chair on a bed, just resting for now. And how I don’t understand why someone would do that, and how cringing someone would do such a thing to me, as if I have done anything to this person to abuse me and disregard me, as if life never existed. And how all life has been abused by him and myself, and even from my parents, his parents, for the absolute, worst. No wonder nobody flourished, everyone was abused in some way and degree without any consequence to what the person will do on their on own, when go out into the world, unprepared, and delusional, to think we can do whatever we want, but life and reality doesn’t work that way, if we are not prepared to do anything that’s best for all, at all, whatsoever.

I commit myself to not allow anymore abuse, and to ask effective questions, and if the person does any more abuse, I will put them in their place respectfully, and disregard them, All Equally, no matter who you are. I will only Respect you, as an individual, no matter what you are to me, friend, family, business colleague, or anyone. However, i will support you along the way 100%, and giving and delivering of myself and to myself and to with others 100% of the way, to those WHO DO deserve it, and not just anyone to be given any sort of 100% giving and delivering and respect from me to a person who knows no better, than to complain, and threaten and compare me or anyone to doing anything in the world. Within that, I commit myself to show that those who try to compare an age group to someone else, and they’ve been doing, that they are not worthy of that statement comparison, and how it is only based on people’s foundation and heredity training, I mean taming, whether it be stable or not, it may be not be effective as he/she has come to think of it to be. That people can’t just go out and do anything on their own, their foundation is not properly set, therefore, you have to take care of the person until they are better and effective to be able to do anything they want on their own. But most parents are too fucking delusional to realise such a thing, that, if s child is not properly and effectively trained and raised with stability and care and proper affection, education and nutrition, then it will not flourish in the environment that he/she has been placed and have be dealt within the current forced handed down cards, instead of being given the proper right effective cards to use. Within cooperation and collaboration to grow together as parents as mother and father with the child, and if that is not in effect, then the child is done for. For as I see myself as life and living words as self directive principle with self awareness and life awareness living as LIFE!

I commit myself to become to communicate much more and more effectively by becoming better in how I speak and utter each word, and it’s tonality in certain situations, whether it be business, work, interactions with my wife, and kids, and how I am becoming truly much more stable  within myself to express myself in the best ways possible, for what’s best for all. For as I see myself as life and living words within self awareness and life awareness living, within and as Principled Living for what’s for ALL!

I commit myself to take care of my kids and to help them understand of what to do with common sense, and how to do it, and I show them as I am doing it, and being patient with them, and how they can learn and become truly effective in their first steps and formative years of life. To truly be able to have a stable reality and life living within a parent like me, and same with my wife, to help her do the same by becoming much more effective and supporting her as my kids 100% of the way, no matter what, and helping her trust herself more and more, so we can all truly become an equal and one cohesive unit as a family to have a stable and effective environment to flourish for the better. From learning what abuse is, and that we’re not going to do that, we’re going to have a stable fun and effective learning environment, and learning how to do things, and that when mistakes happen, it’s okay, we will learn together and understand and know what to do next step. Within that, to help them learn and understand the context and explain he/she of how a certain thing works and how to do so, while increasing and improving their vocabulary, as I am doing so each and every day for the better. Same with helping my wife to do the same and as well to help herself, when she does have the time at home when and as she is taking care of the kids and doing what’s best for them and with them. For as I see myself as life and life living words, and redefining words as practicality within common sense, and living self directive principle within principled living for and as LIFE!

I commit myself to be able to be here and listen and be aware attentively with the best expression for what’s best for all to be here and help others, within my business that I own and work with, and are operating with much more effective people. And wherever I go to do business, whether it be the post office or not, or just sending someone to do so, and suggesting things to do, and reason why and to work with everyone in the best ways as and like a family and a big unit together, having different responsibilities that need to be taken care of in the best ways possible to help one another in how things operate in our business and how to make it much more effective and to create a system to how we do things and to make it like an assembly like of certain information or products or services to be going down a certain amounts of departments or all departments, to see what and how and when and where and who and why for the information and product/service to get to, to make things much more effective in serving each other and helping each other to fullest in our expressions and to keep doing so with principle within the right starting point of giving as  I would like to receive for what’s best for all. And to communicate with each other effectively and clearly, getting things done fast and accurately, and if a mistake has been made, it’s okay, we’re engineering the mistake to a fast effective solution. In the best ways possible, and if it is much more bigger than that, then we need to completely do what’s best for that, and pay attention to needs our attention to do what is best for us and the people around us, and including our environment as well. For as I see myself as life and living words to  adapt and improve and improve to adapt for the better life living words within directive principle for what’s best for all life!

I commit myself to write self forgiveness to forgive myself of what is not best within me, then onto writing stop and breathe statements, that when and as a reaction would and were to ever to come up, I will stop and breathe, and be here and  take care of what is here with the directive principle as Life! Within that to realisation statements to realise what had affected me in ways of what I did realise and did not realise that wasn’t there, but was always there in that particular context of its occurrence. Within that, I commit myself to write self corrective and commitment application, to show that inner change, without any immediate outer change is a lie. And to make the inner change real, and the outer change physically real for the better. Within using the tools of TechnoTutor and congregating with others within my business and those that are stable and much more effective in my industry and what and how I am doing to improve myself and my business to  lead myself and others to true achievement and fulfillment within true developing  flourishing abundance. And to create that  to be as so, of real manifestation and creation for the better. For as I see myself as a true commitment in its fullness and expression to do what is best for all, as a self directive principle, leading myself and willing myself to do what is best within principle with others for the better!