Day 64: Spiting myself because I have no money

 Spiting myself because I have no money

(Read aloud and breathe)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that when I do not have enough money, I tend to automatically go into spiteful mode and having to worry about money and worry about job security and having to look for the next certain amount of money to get to where I want to go. Just looking to get by and having the next $1000 bucks or more or less, depending on what is needed  and within the innate contradiction and hypocrisy that that isn’t best for me to experience. And how I am only spiting myself just because I don’t have enough money and how I am not in real realisation of doing what’s best for myself, no wonder I  am not whereI want to be and how dishonest my efforts and actions and actual commitments are, and how I try to threaten another, when and as I do not have much money and have to worry and panic and have to steal just because I am doing this to myself, and not even bothering and realising that I should be considering to take 100% responsibility for myself, and how I am not even in actual true awareness of what it is best to do for myself, and how I am not in actuality committing myself and putting the self trust in myself to make whatever I want to happen. And how this has been going on for years, ever since I  had my first job, and never had made any sort of true actual money and capital to  be real to support myself and invest it into the right areas of my life, no wonder there isn’t much in my life. Because I have accepted and allowed it to be this way, when in fact and reality, life has always been here and nowhere,  else, I was just not in actual true realisation of what is here for real, no wonder I am not able to make anything of true actual abundance for  the better. Because I didn’t even bother to reach out for support, nor was in actual realisation to what is best for myself, so I Can be able to get out of my situation. And how even at times, in the past, I would actually spend way more than what i had and sometimes I would be so tempted to wipe my own income out to the things that I “Think” I need, when in fact, it is not making me money, nor is it helping me for my health, even if I am not in true actual consideration for myself, and having to make an excuse of oh if I spend as much as i have right now, as meaning all of it, I wouldn’t have anything else to spend on. When my starting point was fucked, and how I wasn’t in actual true awareness of what it is to truly create money, not just make money, making is just earring, not creating, there’s a difference in that and how I’ve never realised that up until  right now, as I am realising this. And how simple it was, because I was not able to process the information, no wonder I am not able to see more than I should be actually seeing  to be able to achieve much more than what I would usually do and go after for. And how I would have some type of ulterior resistance to not making the correct right amount of money that I’ve always  wanted. But even when I do get to a point of making almost two grand or three grand, it feels as if I have so much, but I do not, because it is  just nothing, it is only me still getting by, thinking that i am what I am now and how I have become to see what seems like a lot to me. Because I’ve never had that amount of money before, because I never had the resonance of stability to be able to handle that, and even higher amounts of money, in the high 5 figures and 6 and 7 and 8 and 9, 11, 12 and so on. And that was never a reality for me, because I was just not in actual realisation of what it is to do what is best to do. And how my parents around me, never had more than enough money to make anything a true reality in their life, they were always just getting by and never making truly ever enough, no wonder I am making assumptions to what is enough or more than enough or a lot and how I thought I had made it. But I never truly ever made the actual effort to make anything to truly be real in abundance and prosperity of true actual wealth. And even if I lost most of my money, I would spite myself and how my body would overheat and get itchy and how I never knew why that was ever there, when and as I would lose a lot of money that was only a couple hundreds of dollars. And how I only had that programming that was only allowing me to make a certain amount and to still be a slave within the system still and nerve to realise what I should’ve been doing for my life for real. Because in reality, no one was truly there to support me, nor were my parents either, and how I was never able to achieve as much as I could have. And how I could handle so much, because  it was what I was giving off and feeling as the resonance of the energetic ways of what my life was in actual reality and internally and externally as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not support my son and my wife and my husband, no matter if we have a lot of money or not, and when we did lose most of our money on bills, or other unnecessary things, and how my son would ask us. We would spite him and be resentful towards him and be so nasty about the actual question and topic of money, when we complain and have to pay bills and how we are doing this to ourselves, not ever realising that we were abusing our own opportunities and abusing ourselves and threatening ourselves to not ever have enough. And how no wonder our son would have the same in return to the point of not ever having enough to the point when and as he would see us not ever have enough money, we would spite ourselves and be nasty and complaining in a very ugly manner, to the point of return, and possessing ourselves to where we wouldn’t even know what to do but abuse ourselves, and how we would project that onto our child. And how no wonder, he will act the same way to some varying degree, no matter how much money he makes in his lifetime, to our own assumption as it will be predictable for him to not ever be able to make more than enough than he should have. And how if he loses a substantial amount of money that he is not used to losing, he will eventually spite himself and his body will overheat and itch and feel as if his world is coming to an end, when in fact and reality it is only a forever more detrimental coding program that was set into within him. To make him lose that certain amount of money and spite himself as a gapped that the code was corrupted and how we were the ones who had placed the corrupted program and inserted that by the environment and visual circumstance and event that would perceive to be as a challenge and how detrimental it will be for his operating system. As the body and mind, to take in strings and strands to not be able to handle making more than enough money in abundance. And how no matter what he does to gain way more than enough money or even to a certain amount of 1700 or 1,500 - 1,600 USD, he would easily spend it and not be able to make anymore than that, and how he will not be able to make any intelligent decisions to make anything of actual true reality. And to be able to keep his money and make something to be for real, and how nothing in his life has ever manifested. Due to him witnessing the projection that we have created and made for ourselves, no wonder he is acting the same way, as a detrimental copy to never have enough money or even way more than enough money. And it is not ever able to handle it. And to spite himself, when and as he spends a substantial amount of his own truth and capability.  And how we would eventually do the same each and every  time, that he would get something from us or we would spend the money to help him and how we would complain and spite him that we’re not able to have more money to make ends meet. And to be able to never make ends meet and to never have more than enough and to want to threaten our son and make him feel as if he is nothing and will not be able to make more than enough in his life. Even if he does start a business from seeing me as a father making my own business and creating money for it, although I only had a job from it. It never was an actual true business, to scale, nor did i ever hire anyone, because I never trusted myself for real, and to think that people would steal from me. In fact and reality I was only ever so busy creating and making money, no wonder I never thought of ever hiring anyone, because I was forever more stealing from myself and wasn’t able to make way more than enough to do something for actual true validity for the better. And how we never knew that this would affect each and every decision and advancement of any type of money he would create and make from jobs and/or his business, as if he will ever make anything due to the corrupted projection and how bad it was for him to see us spite him and yourself just because we don’t have enough money to make anything of actual validity for real for the better. And how it was never for the better ever since, it only got worse, and no one in the family was ever able to make more than $2,000 or $3,000 and majority of the time, not even maintaining and growing up to $2,000 and how it was never surpassed by anyone. Because everyone in the family ruined their own financial situation, and how it was all a culmination due to the struggle of me as the father and as a mother to project spitefulness when it came to making money and not even bothering to create it. We only ever had jobs, even if it was a business, no matter what it was. We never made a true profit and how we had to close our businesses, after a 1 or 2 and even when we didn’t know what to do right after to get back up and go within getting the momentum going. And how ever since after 15 years as a father, I had to close my job as a business down and never had anyone hired to my business, to help me and to expand to other places, but I was only ever so comfortable with only keeping one place and never expanding to bigger business and expanding to bigger shops. But I was only burning money and spending more on supplies instead of hiring and training other jewelry repairs and how no one was wanting to do this type of occupation and how i would be so afraid that if they mess up. I would lose a lot of my profits and how I would end up spitting on my employee(s), and even myself for the worst. And how it was already there and how I didn’t even bother to know why I had to sell off my assets and everything else. No wonder I wasn’t able to make way more than enough money to be able to make something of true actual validity. Ad how I felt so confident, just making $400 a day from the profits and thought I actually made it. When in fact and reality, I never actually made it. I was only getting by on ulterior confidence, soon to not ever know when everything will start crashing down and how I have to dissect my business and eventually close down and sell off everything. And eventually another bigger store took over my place and knocked down the walls and took over my space and everyones’ else’s. And how no shop in that particular area of shepherd was ever able to make it out alive, because of it’s heredity area, that has been there since the 80’s and 90’s. That’s when a lot of people wanted to fix their watches because smart phones weren’t out at the time, and the internet was up and running. But no one ever knew if it ever had existed for real. So no one ever since ever used it for real, even I didn’t. And in the early 2000s, life was getting better and as well as my income, and my business was getting better, eventually I took the shop to new heights. But it was still small, and how my profits weren’t that great. And when it came to 2008, the economy started to shatter, and then into 2011, and 2013, and 2015, and now to 2018 and 2019 and now 2020. Things started to slow down and business stopped and people stopped coming to get their jewelry fixed, and how no one ever wanted to come ever since. Because the rest of the customers that used to come, or even brand new customers never came ever since, they only went to my competitors who bigger and better and effective and efficient than I. and how I only had outdated equipment and never realised how far i was falling behind, no wonder I was not able to create a true scalable business and how my life was forever more spiteful detrimental, even when i lost money and never made back more than enough to pay the bills and rent. And how I was never able to make anything true of validity and how  I am just playing out the retarded blind ways of operating a business and just never wanted to expand. Even though I had the infrastructure all in set in line, and never thought of ever making anything big and better and effective and efficient. No wonder I do not know anything, and having to tell my son to get a job, just like my own business was a job and how I had to be there everyday and never to have anyone there to help me and expand the business. Because I was afraid someone would be stealing from me. And how it was only me stealing from me, stealing realisations, opportunities, expansion. And when I brought my son to the shop, he would eventually steal from me as well, because I never taught him to have way more than enough money. And how ever since, no one in the family and even my wife and husband ever since, had more than enough money and how nothing was ever truly sustainable and scalable for the better. And how now life is not the best, we are both barely getting by and how our son is barely getting by as well in our own assumptions to the point of no return to make anything truly real for the better. And how no one will ever have abundance in this family ever at all whatsoever. All due to us spiting ourselves to us not having any money, due to our responsibilities when it did actually come to not being able to have more than enough, and always having to complain about bills and how it is too much. Not even realising that we were compromising ourselves to the point we would spite ourselves for the worst, and how our son would as well, spite himself as well, when as he would not be able to have enough money to make anything truly real for the better, at all whatsoever. No matter how much he is able to create and make for the better, everyone in this family will be a forever more slave, with no true actual change, as if there will ever be one, only if we actually reached out to get true help for real. And how I have neglected that for the worst, and never ever since made anything truly real for the better, no wonder this was always within the family, even as a mother I would always do this and how I would get very nasty about it. And never to make anything truly real for the better. Because this was all as well coming from our parents and the people who we grew up around as well, and not even bothering to get any true help to learn and be effective in who we ought to become for real, as we make our money. But we were only against ourselves, even when it came to spending and doing things on our own, thinking we could actually make it truly become real for the better. But ever since, nothing ever truly came to be of a real reality for the better, no wonder life was never for the better for us, because we made it so, and wanted to become better. But never knew how when things came crashing down and eventually tumbled to soon of the final result, nonexistence and regret, for the worst.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a mother to destroy my own income and money that I’ve made and wanted to get a loan, as I did not have enough to create my own business. And how I projected onto him as I had to close my own doors of my own potential business and easily gave up to the point where I wanted to close my own doors to the business of the nail shop that I wanted to open. But in fact, I had no actual clue of how to even create a business, nor could I even read actual English to make my business truly thrive and speak the Vietnamese language articulately, without having to always sound like I’m speaking slang and not speaking with true brevity and confidence in myself, no wonder things were not able to be of a true result and manifestation due to my own efforts that were realised that I was not able and capable of making anything of true scale and validity to a big enterprise that i dreamed and fantasized in my mind. Therefore, I never had the true ability to truly make anything to be real for the better at all whatsoever. No wonder my son had seen that from me, and how ever since, he was not able to make anything true and how everything eventually shut down and was not able to be scaled, because he never had the capital to save up to make anything true to be capable to make a real enterprise to be created in this economy and world itself. And how I was never able to make anything big for the better, it always crashed easily, because I wasn’t able to learn effectively and efficiently to be able to apply and make my business truly scalable in momentum to make something actually true for the better. But ever since that day, as I had closed my doors, things will never change for the better, no matter how much I try. And how my son will never be able to make anything truly big, because of this projection and how if he doesn’t learn and from a very young age, as he was only 8 or 9 or 10 when he saw this from me. And how I was thinking that my business would be thriving like everyone else’s, but I was only forever more fantasizing that it would become big without any effort on my part, and thinking things will come to me, when in fact and reality, reality and practicality and pragmatic efforts and results do not actually work that way. I was only being so delusional to think that I would have a flood of customers coming in, especially the business establishment to rent and make money was never able to driving in customers, nor was I able to do any leading, marketing, understanding and knowing how to train others to know how to do nails and how to clean and understand and follow the regulations of what chemicals to use and not to use. And how I never knew any of that, nor of the accounting, law, and so much more that i was not able to realise that was needed, and how I instantly gave up and close my doors of my own nail shop business, and how things were never able to come to actual true fruition for the better, at all whatsoever. Our failure would project onto our son, and soon, as if my son will ever create a business someday, he will fail just like me, and my husband, and how we were not able to be knowledgeable of our industries truly, and even the economics within it, and tactics and strategies to hire others and become effective and better within ourselves. No wonder we were and still are delusional and illusional to the point that we in actuality, know nothing about business and economics, we were only working it as a slave to ourselves as it was our own job that we were recreating just as we were on the farms and poor and slaves just like everyone else. And how we are doing that in a very different way to modern day. Just in a different sense, and how we were not able to truly perform and network and connect with others, no wonder we had nothing and knew no one to truly make a business grow and become big for real. And how our son will also do the same thing and same ways, to some type of varying degree, not even realising that he will be the same slave to himself and never truly ever become to create anything to be of real actual value. As we have never created anything to be of true actual value and how when he did want to create a business, we would tear him down, especially my husband and how he would do that, as a father, I would never want my son to do better than me. I wanted him to fail, because he was competing with me. I never wanted him to become better than me, nor as I am a mother either, no wonder we are not able to make anything to be of true validity. Due to our own irrational competition like spitefulness and irrationality, being so argumentative and ugly and nasty about it, to the point, where there was always an argument about money and wanting to be free. And how no one, not even I as a mother and father, was ever truly free, nor were we ever able to become free for the better, at all whatsoever, ever since. And how we now, have nothing but ourselves and being a slave to the blind and working for other people, and how we will never be able to make it truly, having that regret in the back of our minds closing our own businesses. And if anyone were to ever arise and rise in the family to make something big, we will tear them down and become just like us, poor broke fucking losers, idiots, poor DNA heredity information as the corrupted code as words, and meanings and as energy itself to the words. For the absolute fucking worst, forever. And how our son will never make it, due to our own assumptions, that we fucked him up and fucked up ourselves, to never make it, no wonder no one ever in this family has a great relationship and of support. And how no one has ever truly made anything real and big, because there was no support, it was nothing but self-interested delusion for the worst.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that whatever I witnessed from my parents and how they experienced all the ego and how they were trying to create businesses as their own, but no one ever knew how to build and develop and scale something meaningful. As it was only self interested and never actually for the better, no wonder no one ever knew how to do what was best for anyone, they only did it, because that’s what they knew how, and how no one ever knew how to create anything to be of validity and what things are necessary for the actual business, and how my mom was never able to do that. No wonder she was expecting a lot of customers, and how she was not even making the actions and effort to keep going and make something truly real and as a result for real. The result was negative, it was detrimental, devastating to a certain extent and how my father had the same and how he was afraid that people would steal from him, when in fact reality, I was also as well stealing from him. Because in reality, I never had enough, nor was I ever taught to truly ever have enough for the better at all whatsoever. And how I was never able to create and make any sort of abundance real in my life at all whatsoever, and never did ever since, I wanted to go out and do things of business and to create an enterprise of my own and see and fantasize about what other people did. But I never knew anything, nor could I be able to communicate and make something truly to be of validity and real for the better at all whatsoever. And how each and everything that I’ve ever done, always had been easily given up on, and how everything of whatever I wanted to do and create, it all crashed and tumbled and fell apart, because I was not able to have the proper leadership to make anything of actual true validity and a real actual growing like growth result in the positive direction at all whatsoever. No one wonders, I do not have more than enough money in my life, and how I have been getting by and never been able to make more than enough and always had to spend it, when and as I would get comfortable to a certain amount of 1600 USD or 1700 close to 1800 and even 1900. And how I was always having to self sabotage myself and spite myself, when and as I would spend so much of money and how I seen my coworkers spite themselves when they spent all their money and how I would be doing the same thing as well, not even realising that i was giving tarnished and invalid advice that was contradicting to what I was doing as well. Spiting myself as well, as and when i didn’t have enough money and was spending it and having to do so much stupid bullshit that wasn’t even best for me, no wonder I was not able to create anything to be true ever since that day  or 8 or 9 or 10 or even 11 or 12 years old. However old I was, I just was never in actual realisation that my parents were fucking their lives up and how I would be predictable to be doing the same thing as well, and how if something were to fall apart on me, i would react and break down and have a nervous break down and never make anything truly real. Because I would always be operating on worrisome bullshit that isn’t even real, and even panic when money wouldn’t be enough and how we would be in potentiality to be losing it for the worst. And how my resonance as the DNA energetic code was corrupted and how much of the heavy lifting of the work of the business was compounding on top of my foundation as a person, was going to be sooner or later to fail, and how only a part of me was going to make it successful. But ever since, that part of me that was potentially going to make it successful, was never able to be able to make it and create something truly for the better. Nor did I ever get the support from anyone who knew how to build a business and buy and sell companies, real estate, network marketing, sales of any kind, door to door sales, whatever the fuck it was you know. Like nothing was ever going to be for real and an actual real result for the better, because my programming was not going to be able to make anything true and how I had to give up and fire my own directors as I was creating a board of directors/advisors for my company. That wasn’t even incorporated, no wonder my life is not in actual true abundance, because I was only ever so delusional to always want to do my own way of doing something beyond my programming, and how I was never able to make anything to be truly real and as a result at all whatsoever. Because I was only operating on my foundation for the worst, and how it was detrimental for me to be creating anything and how no wonder everything that I’ve ever wanted to create, all of it fell apart, and how I self sabotaged myself and master-bated when things got tough and wanted to let go of the stress and how I never knew even where to put it. So all I had to do was to fuck with myself and fuck myself over, to the point where nothing ever came back to any true creation and true foundation for super success and abundance of an enterprise to be truly created into a great success for real. And that I never did ask for true help, I was only doing it myself and was never able to create anything and make it a true actual success, it all eventually fell apart and crumbled mathematically and in equation at some point, not knowing when things would fall apart for me. Because I only thought that I would do things by myself, and that i would never ask for help, because I thought I knew it all, when in fact and reality i knew nothing, nor did my parents either, at all, whatsoever. No wonder the genetic code as words and the energy was attached to it, was detrimental to what it was encoded as, and how no wonder the whole family was encoded for failure and to destroy things in spitefulness and abuse and threats, emotionally and physically, for the worse. And how nothing ever since that day, of the foundation of projection exposure, nothing was ever going to be created for real for any sort of success at all whatsoever. Failure was forever more a conduit and mantra within the family, not even knowing if anyone would ever support each other, nor the growth of being teachable, nor the growth of anything within themselves and myself. Because no one was ever able to apply the information and to make it be real and effective and efficient, because no one ever knew how to process information, nor did I at all. No one knew how to read, no one knew how to do anything, everyone as my parents always were so spiteful and resentful and nasty about it and jealous and ugly and stupid about it, and how I became the same towards them, when and as they would impede my ambition and for what i wanted to do for my owns self interest and never wanted to create anything to be real for the better. And how in actuality, I am not truly effective, therefore, i retarded my own efforts when things got tough, and how i only knew what I knew, therefore I was not able to create anything to be real for the better, at all, ever since I wanted to strike out on my own. And with no support with that for the worst. Nor was i even able to apply any type of information in business, therefore, nothing ever came to real fruition for whatever i attempted to learn, it was never going to be a real reality, therefore, I was only ever since, doing more slave work than actually being a true entrepreneur for real, ever since that day, nothing to be created at all whatsoever. Nothing ever a true success for the better at all, it was always some type of failure and nothing to be real and true of validity at all, nothing, ever since, I wanted to go into business for myself. As I was already a slave and never knew how to get out, because my parents encouraged me to be a slave just like them, and how no wonder they are stupid, idiots, broke, poor, unstable, irrational, ugly, dumb as fuck, knows nothing, and how I am just like them, just to a different degree and component. And how I got all of their qualities and how I have turned myself into my own opponent, instead of a true ally to myself and for myself, and always seen others as competition and never found anyone to help me, because I thought I knew I could do it all on my own. Therefore, I never did actually make anything to be real and for the better at all, ever since.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a mother to teach my son to be a slave and an idiot as I was already one before I tried to give him any sort of advice, no wonder no one has what they want in their life and have regret to some variable degree.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a father to teach my son to be a slave and an idiot just like myself, as I was already one, and even before I tried to give him my detrimental davice, and how no one in the family has ever made anything to be true and a real evidence like success at all whatsoever, ever since.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a son and child to my parents, to accept and allow and take my parents advice, not knowing that they don’t know anything and how I thought they were trusted authorities. When in fact and reality, they were untrustworthy and stupid, and dumbasses, just like me, and how I was naive to listen to them, when I was listening and obeying to people who never had my best interest in mind and at heart at all, whatsoever. No wonder ever since I would express my philosophy and being a philosopher, filling a loss ever more further, filling a loss for my own fee, that had me losing my own money, because I was only filling a loss forever more for my own fee as my own guarantee to be of a failure, not even knowing how to create anything to be real, nor was i stable, and how I was never able to make anything to be true and real in this reality, because of what I was operating on as my foundation as a person here in the physical right now, and not just my past. And how i never knew how to process and understand any sort of information to make anything to be real for the better, therefore, I was never able to make anything real, and how I would always spite myself  just because I never actually had any true real money, ever, at all, whatsoever. Within that, and that I was never an actual true real Entrepreneur ever since I wanted to go out and do big things on my own. My foundation and pre-programming wasn’t going to let me, because the information as DNA within me, was not going to be able to make anything of me a true success at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that No wonder i never actually made a true decision to create something to be for real, ever since I was conceived and onto up to where I am now in my life. Nothing was ever of actual true abundance for me at all whatsoever. Within my foundation from 1 month to 7 years was fucked and tarnished and destroyed and abused physically and emotionally and environmentally. To how my environment was always for failure and never for success, always loud arguments, yelling, instability at every corner and turn, within me and from my parents and how nothing was ever going to be of actual true validity at all, whatsoever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend money on things in the past and even recently on non-essential things that never made me actual true money, because even that, and if I did, spend on essential things that would help me, i would never be able to apply it truly, because I wasn’t truly committed and self trustworthy to myself to do whatever it takes to make something real and to become better for what i wanted to create. I was in actuality, untrustworthy and not be to trust, that I never did actually truly trust myself for real, because I never knew what true and real trust is, no wonder i was not able to create anything of actual real reality at all whatsoever, ever since, to even potentially be for the better at all. And how this had affected each and every decision that I’ve ever made in my life and always spited myself, and how I was doing the same abuse that my parents were doing to themselves and how they projected it onto me, and how I was never able to realise that I was abusing myself. As well as they were doing the same atrocious bullshit to themselves as well. Within that, I was never able to participate for what’s best for all, because I was never what was best for all, nor for myself. I only participated in delusion and what’s not best, and self interested pure bullshit that wasn’t even helping anyone truly and even if I had good intentions for it. I just never knew what I was doing effectively and efficiently at all, whatsoever. No matter how much money I’ve ever had, I never was able to handle any sort of amount of money, it was always spent and sabotaged, as I was only forever more, going after energy to fill my place outside of me that I didn’t need that wasn’t beneficial, nor did I even use it to do anything about it. Nor did I create any sort of money to be at substantial amounts for real, at all whatsoever, ever since. Nor was any true creation of abundance and wealth and opportunity ever there for me, because I was not truly stable and effective in my speech and articulation and expression of knowledge and its use, because I was not able to express it, because I never had it, within me. Nor was I even able to do it, because i never knew how, as if I was operating on theory, but I wasn’t, I just wasn’t able to create to make anything to be a success, because I wasn’t able to communicate effectively and efficiently, within negotiating and persuading and selling, was never within me. No wonder everything that I’ve ever done was 10 times the effort and the harsh struggle along the way. No wonder I was actually truly negative and how i don’t even have enough money for myself to create something to be real, nor are my efforts to be of match in alignment with what i want to do and knowledge and application as the resonance to be applied for real, at all whatsoever.

When and as I see myself being lazy within my efforts to make something real and of validity of any kind, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself abusing myself and my own money for things that I don't need and will not even use, I stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself urging myself to not have enough money and spite myself for it, not realizing that my impulses got me there and I let it happen, I stop and breathe.

I realise that my parents were never able to teach me anything for real and how when they gave me their advice, it was never real and contradictory and hypocritical to their own actions and expressions were not in true alignment to what they were doing for real. It was detrimental to them and to me especially, because that would affect me and my whole life and decision making to make something actually real for my life. How they were giving me advice and I accepted and allowed it to be true because I thought they were doing what was best for me, but in fact, they were not, they were abusing me and making me see what a destroyed opportunity was and how to do it. And told not to do it, but ended up doing it, without even knowing that  I was living their actions and words and made it to my own detrimental ways that weren't even best for me. And how they were saying things that they were not aware of it and how it would delude me into failure my whole entire life, not creating anything to be actually of a real positive result and to keep the momentum going. It only stopped for me, because I never knew why things were always falling apart and people were rejecting me, and even if I did get a result, I wasn’t going further to make anything to be true and a real reality result for the better, at all whatsoever. No matter what I wanted to do, everything always fell apart and how I went back to slaving my way to create again, but it was never the same and no support was ever there for me, although it was this whole time. I was just only deluded in my own self interest and wasn’t even doing anything that was truly best, it was only for my own mere profit and deep down, I knew I wasn’t going to make it, and at some point as a predictable equation, I was going to fail and make my own creation fall apart due to me giving up so easily. Not being self aware, no self direction and possession over myself, nor could i even lead myself. I was only following the crowd to nowhere, and wanted to soon go out on my own, but I was not aware that I wasn't going to make it, wasting my time on things that were so out of my own reach and capability, sooner or later. Things in my creation were going to soon fall apart for the worst.

I realise that every time that I would make any type of money towards $1500 - $1900, not even over $2000 or even way more than all of this into the high 5 figures and 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 figures, because i could never fathom it. Because I was only so focused on my set ways of never being able to make more than enough money and even if I lost a couple hundred dollars, I would spite myself and how my whole body would get hot and my skin would feel like needles are poking at me. And how it feels a bit painful, that I wasn't used to losing that type of money, even if it was over 2000 dollars worth of payments on a course that I was never going to be able to apply and never did anything with it ever since. And how the person who I paid, took all of my money, and never helped me ever since, he just ran off with my money. And how i was just delusional about it, not even caring and letting the person run off as if my money was not actually valuable to me, nor was I even doing what was best to truly be free at all whatsoever. And how when I didn’t even have and ever have enough money at all, i would try to threaten others and make them feel worse than I, and how it is I, who has the problem and is looking to abuse others as i have abused myself, and how my parents programming is within me and how I am projecting as me as my own way as possession. Onto another person and abuse someone else, just because I was spiting myself because I didn’t have enough money and didn’t like my life and the way it is right now. No wonder things were never for the better ever since, and how I am actually truly a negative person with no money and how no one ever wants to talk to me. Because that is what i am giving off, and how I have never truly realised it ever since, that i was as well abusing another from what i had as me and what i took from my parents and how I truly became spiteful and nasty and ugly about it to myself and as well as the same to others. For the absolute fucking worst. No wonder my life has never gotten better, just because I never had any true money for real, and how my parents spited themselves and how I am doing the same thing to my own way and creation and what I have accepted and allowed as me. Being forever more delusional about it and not even truly aware of it, until right now. No matter how big the business deals were, no matter how small, to medium to large and giant, I never could be able to make them a success, and a reality, and a result for the better, I just never had the resonance to be able to make it happen. Nor the network and connections at all, because I never knew how to connect with others, therefore, I never knew how to connect with myself and have that true relationship with myself. Therefore, my parents never had it either, as i witnessed them and observed them as  i was growing up, there was always detrimental people around, negative, broke and ugly, irrational, retarded unstable people that came into my life and their lives as they always wanted to invite them over. Not knowing that those people were not best for me to be around, although they were my family and how my parents, nor did I even know if they were best to be around for me to observe and witness them. And their bad habits and drinking habits and smoking and language was foul and ugly. And how I was doing the same, not being a true gentleman ever since, I was only ever since acting like a boy, in a man’s body for the worst. And therefore, I never had a true focus for one thing and to create it into a true success at all, it was always different businesses and going from thing to thing, and never going all in on one thing that meant the most to me and meaningfully and purposefully. Nothing was ever for an actual true purpose, it was always a certain term of it, and then within a deviation to some else that was never going to benefit me, because I was always starting back at square one again, achieving truly nothing at all, whatsoever, not even for the better, it was always for the worst. No wonder my life is the way it is and how nothing has ever changed for real, at all.

I commit myself to deliver and to give myself 100% in everything that I do, and make it the best, no matter if I don’t want to do it or not. To create myself, to purify myself, to perfect myself in everything and every way of all that I do, to do it correctly and perfectly and improving and adapting my efforts and in the situation and place for wherever I am. To make it the best, by living by principles for what’s best for all, to have the best bloody cool experience in this reality for the better. For as i see myself as life and self awareness living, and as self directive principle as principled living, for and as LIFE!

I commit myself to understand and know how to apply information and to apply myself physically as I have interwoven and weaved the inner change and to recreate it and make it as the outer change as real reality. Taking care of what is here in reality and what is going and creating it and making it to be the best in all that I do, by principled living, for what’s best for all, to have the best experience of living by principles that are best for all, and are valid and true to pragmatic application for what’s best for all, for the better!. For as I see myself as life and life resonance, as self awareness living and self directive principle within principled living, for and as LIFE!

I commit myself to perfect and double the effective efforts to achieve much more than ever within asking for the support in the best ways possible and supporting myself as well in the best ways possible. And truly being teachable to make my life to be truly for the better, from people and from and to, and for myself to do what is best and double my efforts and the time in to keep the momentum going to achieve what i want to achieve with discipline and focus. And improving myself to be able to apply myself and achieve much more in the best ways possible to get the best results for the better. For as i see myself as life and life resonance self aware living within self directive principle living, for what’s Best for All!

I commit myself to understand how to build a business, and know how to do it, by learning from others and what they did in the beginning and how I can be able to understand the advice from people who have built a successful business and have done what is best and are effective and efficient. As well as stable as well, within their expression and how they have created such an abundant life so far, and how we are still going to create much more than ever! To learn how my product/service works and to know how to use it and how to help others use it specifically for their life and their business, relationships, money, and much more. Simply giving them instructions that I have been instructed with and how I have been doing it myself and how it is being done correctly the first time to get effective and efficient results and to keep that process going and adapting and improving along the way. And supporting the person when and as if he/she is experiencing some type of emotional instability, and also even in their business and what they can do to make their life much more better and different for the better. Within that to also encourage myself and to direct my thoughts for what is best for me and how i can breathe and be here and direct myself to be aware and live here as principled living and to stick to the physical and live by the principles that are within the Self Perfected website and the Desteni principles for life and in business and relationships as well. And to understand them fully and referring back to them, always to do what is best, in my life and in my self aware living, to take care of what is here, in reality as the physical. For as I see myself as life and self aware living within and as self directive principle and principled living for and as LIFE!

I commit myself to help my kids and my wife become self-sufficient, as well as myself as well, supporting her and as well as supporting myself, and how she is supporting me as well. With agreements as our living principles together as a couple, living and expressing ourselves in a stable, and effective efficient manner, for what is best for life, for ourselves, for our kids, and for our environment. Creating and to make the environment for super success and fun, and making learning fun and understanding with the demanded context with stability to and with for our kids and for ourselves as well. Helping them understand what it is and how to create their reality, while supporting them step by step, and speaking with them pragmatically and with stability, understanding and expressing how things work and what to do with it, with common sense and practicality for what is best for the kids and my wife and the environment. For what we are doing for the better. To help them learn much more effective with the tool of TechnoTutor and when it is the right time to invite our colleagues over that are as well as table and effective and efficient in and within themselves as individuals and how the kids will only be exposed to stable effective people only and to be careful who they will be surrounded by and to be aware of what people say and help others understand what it is that being projected, whether if it is negative or positive, it must be what’s best, and not on something that isn’t best. Whether our kids understand or not, we will help them understand in the best ways possible with the best demanded context and understanding from us to help them to understand and realise what are people are talking about and what is best to be understood about, that is best. For as I see myself as self aware living, self directive principle living and as  expression for what is best for all, for and as LIFE!

I commit myself to understanding and applying myself, that when I need actual real pragmatic and practical help and support, I will only ask from people who understand and know how to do a specific thing for emotional support of anything. Business, creation of making money, leadership, communication, relationships, and all around directive principles are life living that is best for all. And to ask questions to see what their input is and what they did about what I have trouble with and how if something is not going in the best ways possible, I will see if they had the same problem in a sense if necessary depending on the situation of the challenge or whatever it may be. And to ask questions of what they’ve done that they’ve pushed through and made the decision for to make their lives much more better and effective and efficient and how i can commit myself as well to do what he/she is suggesting, and to apply the advice and apply myself to what I can and will myself to create for my objective to go as far as I can see and once I get there, i can truly see further and achieve much more, than ever. For as I see myself as life and self aware living resonance and self directive principles living, for and as LIFE!

I commit myself to persuade and ask effective and efficient questions and to be able to negotiate in the best ways possible to persuade and negotiate with another to help and support one another through being a friend, being truly genuine and authentic within and as my true creation of self expression that is best for all. To ask specific questions to help another person realise what they should do to what they are currently having as a problem in their own situation to get out of their own way and realise what is impeding them and holding them. And to mirror their responses when necessary of the last few specific words that they are mentioning and along with what and how questions. if/what, what/if, how/if, if/how questions, and when, why when necessary depending on the situation to understand what the person is saying. And to guide he/she to understand to what they can be doing to take true actual responsibility for themselves and to make a true decision that is best for them and how I can help he/she in the process and plan accordingly to what is best for the other person and as well as myself for the better as well. Within accusation audits, labels, and to never be limited by how I persuade and negotiate in the best ways possible and always improving my way to help the other person see and realize what he/she should do for themselves only for them to realise it. And to help them realise certain things when and if necessary to do so in the moment. And then how I can offer to help another realise what the solution is and what I can do for them for the better, for as I see myself as self awareness living and self directive principle living, for and as an authentic and genuine resonance expression as LIFE!

I commit myself to write self forgiveness and self corrective application, to forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself of what is not best within me and how it is affecting my reality and my expression within me as the physical as me, internally and externally. Within writing stop and breathe statements to when and as if a reaction were to ever come up, and to stop myself and be here in the moment and take care of what is here in the physical as self directive principle as LIFE, being aware and careful of what I say in the best ways possible, no matter if it may be negative or positive, to express my message for what is best for all and of common sense and for practicality for the better. Within that to realisation statements to realize what I had been affected by and what I was doing and how and what I was living as living words that were not best for me to live. And also for who was involved as well and what actually happened in specific detail to what was happening and where we were and I myself were. Within that, I commit myself to write self commitment corrective application statements in specific detail to correct myself to what I will do in specificity to what how i can direct myself and my environment and how i live my life and express myself, within creating and building my business, along with creating wealth and what I will do specifically different with my kids for that which is best for them and me and my wife. And as well as colleagues, and how I specifically will be operating for what is best, and expressing myself as effective and efficient in ALL that I do. Physically applying myself to Use the tools of TechnoTutor, Desteni I Process, within self forgiveness and self corrective application writing, and advancing myself and pushing myself with the support from others and as well as supporting myself as well. To truly be teachable and effective in my life and the application of taking care of what I am going to improve and adapt within and adapt and improve within my own reality and with others for the better. For as I see myself as resonance and life awareness living, self directive principles living, for and as LIFE!

Day 63: Skim reading?, because you're distracted!

 Skim reading

(Read Aloud and Breathe)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to skim read and not realise that I have been doing it for so many years and how many of the people that I've known in the past that do this, do not care about what is at hand. And wanting to just get to the details and get things done in an inefficient manner, within that, I found myself skim reading and not following through with the pages and the words that are on the papers themselves. And how I am not even taking my reading actually seriously and applying the information in my real life, in physical application and doing what is simple to start and to get the momentum going. But even that, even if I do end up starting, I end up going to some other direction as if I need to be distracting myself just because the book seems so long, or the article of anything seems so long to read at and how it is not suiting my needs and wants in my dishonesty to just skim through something and how I have found many people do this.  As i have seen them skim through my resume when I applied for jobs, schools, or whatever it was, then I started to skim and never read the full thing in print as if I  don’t even know what it is like to  truly read and process information the correct and best ways, instead of skimming and scanning through the pages and not considering the fact that i'm just trying to waste my time, just so I will get through something wanting it  to be done already. As if I'm not even enjoying the time to read and the leisure  to get information and acquire ti and use it, but even that, even if I did acquire the information, I did not truly ever apply it practically, because I didn’t recognize  the words ad how to do it, i only abdicated my responsibility and ability to not do what is best for myself and in the moment of  actual real reality of reading and recognizing text on pages and gathering the information and how the words are turning in sentences and then into ideas, that I never did ever take fully in  and took  it 100% to use. But ever since, each and  every book that I’ve ever started, I never finished them, no wonder I have not read that much and only abdicated my ability to read was only forever more festered into nothingness and just plain complacency to where i wouldn’t even bother to finish the book or chapter or article or whatever it was to me. I just could never finish it, because I know I couldn't because I never truly learned how to read  fully and right through the pages to process and to be able to do what is best for me, so I can truly become effective within myself. Instead  i became ineffective and inefficient within myself wanting to read, but only resisted it, because of so subtle temptations to want to put the book down, just because it feels so long and how I might be wasting my time, and how i am only just  trying to distract myself just so i can distract myself with something else instead of doing something that is actually productive and good for me. Instead I leave it and fester it, and do nothing,  as if my life is never meant for something for real, if  I don’t read and actually apply something to my life, practically be focused and disciplined within myself as principle and directive principle. And how that was never the case for me ever since, I was 10 or 11 or 12 or something like that, just no one ever decided to read to me, because in fact, there were books at home, but entertainment, as movies, music that isn’t best, even the movies, as well. Constant television, porn, my parents' music and how loud it was and how I was never able to focus on anything that I’ve ever wanted to do. It was always like that, therefore, there was never any sort of focus in the home at all whatsoever. It was nothing forcing distractions, and how it was so easy to go back into the old patterns and how I would do  the same thing with reading and having to put down the book ever so easily, and not wanting to finish the chapter and actually making something real for myself to be able to use. Instead of wanting to put the book down and have to immediately want to distract myself just so I can easily put down something that I am ever so easily to go towards for distraction that isn’t even best. And how i feel that i need to devote my time to distraction instead of something actually truly purposeful such as  reading and applying it. No wonder my life has compounded into the wrong direction that is not best for me, nor for anyone either at all whatsoever. When it came to business and work itself, nothing actually for the better, cutting myself off from doing something that was actually helping me for real. And how i never gave any heeded required attention of myself, to do what is best, because in fact, my parents never  gave me that heeded attention at all either, no wonder I have no true focus on what I want to be doing that’s best for me and to focus on it fully, being here and nowhere else. And even it also came to mismanaging and mis-prioritizing my time and saying no constantly to myself to distract myself more and more, to the point where there was no  absolute return. Even if it  was social media and other media outlets to distract myself forever more to do nothing with my life for the worst. Even that, I was never able to read and read and comprehend and read actually fast to process my reality and my world, when in fact and reality, life was always here, I was not, within the mind and how reality was never there for me, my whole life in complete delusion for the worst.

I forgive myself for accepting  and allowing myself to not focus and not realise that I’ve never had actual  true focus, it was always me deviating from something and how my parents made me deviate from something that 'we wanted, even though I was just a baby and wanted  to be curious  about something and they took it away from me, and made me focus on something else that wasn’t even best for me. Not giving me the proper attention to what is best for me, instead my mother only did it for what was best for her and not for me, same with my father, and how they were both deadbeat losers, and how none of them were ever to realise what was best for me. They only did it out of their own sacrifice and not for me, no wonder I don’t have a lot in my life, and how I have nothing, within lack and limitation, therefore, nothing was ever for the better for me. And hw I am now doing the same bullshit that my parents did to me as I was a baby and growing up to be older as I was just only 1 or 2 years old. Being deviated so easily to something else that wasn’t of proper etiquette and control, for myself, nor was i even supported, I was always distracted by other people and how there was never a focus, even when my relatives were around, I was never appreciative of them being there, because I only wanted to do what I wanted to do. And how I am acting and living the  same abuse from what my parents had done to me when I was a baby of 1 or 2 years old. Being so easily distracted by my parents  and how they screamed and yelled in my ear just to get my attention as if i was blind and delusional and how these fools did this fucking bullshit to me, when and as i was growing up, and how they never cared for me. But  to yell at me and abuse me physically and emotionally to the point where it angered me. And how I had to raise my voice back at this other person who never had my best interest in my mind, no wonder I don't have the same for myself, nor in any other area of my life was ever for the better, therefore, I never had the life that i was supposed to have of stability and abundance. Instead it  was programmed and distracted by fucking idiots yelling at me as i was only just a baby. And how I didn’t even know what the fuck was going on, with people yelling at me and perceiving me as a dog, when in fact and reality, I was not. Just others perceived me  to be that way, and how I was not treated like a human being, but an animal or a dog or  cat, at all whatsoever. I was never cared for, I was only  forever more neglected and how I am neglecting my life, and how my parents are doing the same thing in their own oblivion and stupidity for the absolute fucking worse and atrocious bullshit that is happening up until this  very detrimental instance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deviate myself so easily and how  I was being affected by that from parents and relatives even when I was a cute baby and young,  within 1 or 2 years old and was never able t o focus. I  was only  always being distracted and deviating to something ever so easily, because some type of loud noise and yelling came into my  ear by someone who never cared about me, and only wanted to  get my  attention just because they never got the attention to be  cared about truly either. And how I was fucked up from the very beginning that very day and to never have any true focus ever since, and to be a slave to distractions and easy noises to my own deviation and oblivion for the worst. No wonder I am not able to  create anything to be real with discipline and actual focus for real. No wonder I do not have the money that I want to have and get for myself. Therefore, my life is not where it is to be for  the better and where it should’ve been for the better  instead it has been a standing still halt. No matter what I did  and wanted to do for business, I would always deviate into wrong distractions and go into different things that weren’t even benefitting me, therefore, I  was able to do what was best for me. And how I would never focus and keep making the same repeating mistakes and never fix them, no wonder I was able to  do what was best for me, because my parents and relatives  never did what was best for me. And  how i created most of  it along the way, and how my  attention was  so radical and my focus was eradicated  from the very beginning of that very day. When i was around with others and was getting older and having more growth as a baby. No wonder I am not able  to  focus on anything  truly and to make it a true revealing result to be real within my actions and  efforts to make something valuable and to get me further to where I want to go. But I never did, and  was able to focus for real, because I was living a program of  being yelled at since I was a little baby, by stupid people who didn’t even know what was going on but  to distract me from others who never had my best interest. And eventually I did cry and how others were  saying ohhh, and all this other shit, and how they didn’t even realise what they did  to  me to make me be that way and cry and deviate to something safe and to make the  loud noises  stop. But no one ever did that, they only started in the  same  situation and  how I was  there and hushed and walked back into the room where everyone was, but I was never  taken care of truly for the better at all whatsoever. My parents  as my father and mother always did stupid shit and always got drunk on alcohol and did nothing with their lives truly, especially my deadbeat father. Who is  loser now and how he has  fucked his life, just like he did to mine, and how I was never  in realisation of that very starting point and how it  affected each every culminating decision and how it emerged so easily within me,  deviating on everything that I’ve ever done and never had  the actual true focus. Instead of just putting something down and not wanting to  do anything with  it and finish it and as i see it as so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as parents as father and mother to constantly distract our baby son and how we  yelled at him and made him cry even though he  was just so  little. And wanted to play with him, but we were playing with ourselves, making it worse upon our baby  boy. Not realising that we  were leading him into oblivion and deviation his whole entire life, not even knowing that we were doing that, and how he has ever since never had any true focus, nor  did we either, to ever finish anything truly to make it a true actual result. Even the same from us, we were always actual potential real deadbeats as well, scoring our son, just so we can get his attentions to make him give me attention and give to me and give to me only and never to anyone else, and how I am actually ruining this little baby and damaged him and his life and made his innocence worse off than actual  stability and actual care for the better. No wonder I am not able to do  what  was best for me, nor for my son, nor for my wife, nor for my husband, what kind of fucking atrocious bullshit have we done to  our  baby. No  wonder we’re fucked. No  wonder our baby son  was not ever truly able to focus and had to be deviated to something  that wasn’t even best, and how he did this his whole entire, life going from business to business and  was able to make anything real and of actual value. Nor could we either, because we never had any focus and how our parents had  done the same to us, yelling in our ears as a baby to get attention to be able to turn my head my so quick to see what  that noise was, expecting him and myself to get the attention together, and to see what it was and to be expected to smile. When in fact, I made him cry and how I was done the same to when I was a baby, and having to  do this for so long, not ever realising that this was happening to me, as i was doing the same thing without even thinking about what i was doing that was detrimental to my son. Therefore, I am not qualified to be doing something like that, no wonder my baby is fucked up, therefore, I was fucked up as well, how fucking sad that shit is. And how I thought  this was normal, but it was abuse, even when I did tell him no and no again and again and again, to the point when and as he was growing up, he eventually rebelled and never listened to me ever again. No wonder I complain to him that he never listens to me, because I am always only forever more telling him to not do what he is not supposed to do to my own fact and lies as a contradiction, no  wonder he  is not able to  listen to me. Because I am not the person to be listening to, because I don’t even know what the fuck I’m talking about to be advising myself, no my son at all whatsoever. Because my advice is shit, no wonder I am fucked and everyone around me, my wife, my husband, my son, my grandparents, my parents, all fucked, broke and dead, just like I am about to be, for the worst.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to finally realise this now, and how it has affected each and damn decision that I’ve ever made, no  wonder I was not able to focus on anything true  and of  validity for the better at all whatsoever. Everything was always distraction after distraction, and how there  was always some type of limitation within lack itself for the worst. No wonder I am not able to  read and always skim read and never recognize  the words, because I was only wanting to get through it and never actually make something of it for real, and for the better at all whatsoever. No wonder ever since that day of 1 or 2 years of age, I was distracted by people who were abusive to me and yelled in my ear to get my attention ad how now I am seeing my other relatives do that to other  people babies and kids, so young, when they’re not even in actual true realisation of what is going on. And taking in the  abuse and acidic food that people are eating and how disgusting and nasty it is, that it is not  best for anyone to  eat it, at all  whatsoever. And how I was  fed that, not knowing that my body should’ve had healthy meats and vegetables that are supposed to be organic and good for my health and well being. Nor did I have any of the books at home, nor could anyone read and was even able to read, therefore, I never picked up a book ever truly so ever since and  never finished any book, no matter how intense it  was, gruesome or whatever the topic was in the  chapter of the book itself. I never paid to heed any attention to the topic of whatever was going on in the book and the pages within it. No wonder I skim read so much  and never  actually read  and understand the  words and to be able to apply them  as  the information in my real life for real. And how I have so many books and none of them have been read over 5 years, since I acquired them. Only reading 10 books in 5 years and never doing anything with them, at all, whatsoever. No wonder I am not  where I want to be in my life, since that very day of 1 or 2 years old, I was distracted by loud noises and yelling in my ear, as a baby, and how it  struck me and made me angry to whomever was trying to get my attention tapping on me, swiping my skin, hitting me, yelling at me. Not knowing and understanding how sensitive I was as a baby, no wonder I am not where I want to be, in my life, at all, within stability, financially, relationships, and within my  own fulfillment, nothing at all, whatsoever. Tarnished and destroyed focus and deviated towards detrimental ways of distraction, no matter how subtle  and easy it was for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that, as I was growing up, and wanted to be in business for myself, other people wanted to tease me and play around with me, and  to potentially try to  deviate me from what  was best for the focus. And to want me to focus on rape and murder, instead of making money and doing what’s best for me and helping me to get where I wanted to go. Instead of detrimental bullshit information that doesn’t even fucking matter to me, whoever you are reading this and  if you were that person, fuck you, this is  your last life, and you won’t get another, you’ll end up fucking yourself if you keep fucking with other people like that, and you don’t wanna fuck with that, because you only fuck with yourself. That’s not best, and not acceptable, at all whatsoever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as an adult to mess with this person and make them be felt like they are being teased, when in actuality, I am doing that, with murder and rape, as if other people do not matter and how life  should be  treated for the better. And to not see  anyone as equal and one as another human being. Instead I never saw it  that way, and only forever more abused it and made it in a  way where  all life was to be forever more, abused for the worst. Even When it came to pretty women  and  how when we were  at an event, for business, and how it was like that, and now no one was ever  respected but speak out my secret mind to  what I would do to  a woman if she were to come over here  and be with me and come home with me. And how if anyone  were to mess with me, I would kill them and if this person that I was talking to, were to mess with me, I would slice his  throat and make him bleed and squirt all over  the ground and  gasping for air. And how I do not have t he best intentions of helping anyone but to pain a picture in his mind of murder and struggle life by being abused from another person as me to want to  kill someone as if I never actually truly valued a life but my own  self interest and god and Jesus and the shitty churches of the world Itself, in absolutely detrimental ways of expression for the worst. No wonder I'm just a  sinister  and an idiot, no matter how much money  I have, I can not  hide anything, but hiding it in my secret mind is absolute delusion for the worst. Therefore, I do not value all life, nor do I value myself, but my own self interest, and nothing else at all whatsoever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not  value all life equally, no wonder i am not in the position to be qualified for where I want to be in my life, even though I see those visions and how it is to where i want to be and as  i am gettin closer, it only feels as if it is ever going away. When in reality, I am only seeing something from a movie or picture, and how it was showing just a graven image of life and what the elite so called to be living in. and how I would always perceive  my life to be that way and to never have it to be of actual true growth of nothing at all whatsoever. No matter what i attempted to go for, I was never able to fully go through  with what i wanted to do, at  all whatsoever. Just because of the simple ways of deviating as a  baby  carried onto my adult life and  responsibilities  were forever more tarnished for the worst. And how I was never serious about making anything to be real and to actually come  true for myself at all, ever and how nothing  was ever built for the better, but   was always falling apart for me, and how I never would be able to build something for real. Just because others never knew how to build anything for themselves either, no wonder my life is the  way it is for the  worst. And how my  ways of living  within living the living words as the flesh  were not helping me in anyway  at all whatsoever, making  deviate to things that I do and did not want i intend to do, but my resonance as the DNA heredity of information was making me do it, because I was programmed to be that way but others and was given to and distracted and held by others who never had my  best interest in mind and  heart, at all whatsoever. And how i  was constantly distracted by  so many  people ever since and it was only 3-5 people that day of being of the age of 1 to 2 years old being held and yelled  at from others. And how it ruined my whole entire life, no matter what i wanted to  do, I never wanted  to  listen to anodyne, because no one ever had my best interest at heart, ever since that day, I never had and  never did ever have my best interest at heart at all whatsoever. All from that very day and week, it would’ve ruined my whole entire life, being abused physically and emotionally for the worst, and now that some of them are either  broke, and dead and almost soon to die, because of sickness, alcohol and drugs. And how the same thing is happening with my focus and  easy deviation to what is not best for me and who  knows where it will even lead me to at all. Only I will know, if I haven't forgiven myself of this  till now. Realising others have skim  read many things and never read the whole entire document and/or book at once, and to understand it, instead people have just skimmed through information and never did anything with it, no wonder the people that I’ve potentially wanted to do  business  with, were low quality, no matter how much money they have or little or whatever  it is that they own. They  are in actuality, illiterate. And how that affected me and my  opportunities, to what I was attracting, what I am equal to, was actually detrimental for me, no wonder my life  is not where I want it to be. Nowhere to be for the better, at all whatsoever.

When and as I see myself deviating from something that is for what I am, that is not best for me, even if it takes just a few minutes of distraction and no  purpose to it,I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself skim reading just to distract myself and not read whatever i am doing with full effort and responsibility towards it, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself wanting to put down something so easily and not want to  finish it  through for the better  to become better for and as myself, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself  blurring myself into mistakes and quick deviations with no fix to it and no self direction for the better, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself trying to bicker back and argue my way to make another pay for their mistake and what they’ve done to me, I stop and breathe.

I realise that each and every time that I’ve  ever wanted  to pick up a book and to read it, I would always skim through it and never make a true reading experience to apply the information into my life. Because I couldn’t even process information correctly because I would always deviate towards/to something else that wasn’t even benefiting me at all whatsoever.

I realise that I would never want to finish things of reading and of any task and assignment for myself and from working with others, all the way, no wonder I have none of the actual focus that I want in my life, therefore, I was not able to make anything of a true reality for myself, ever since  at all whatsoever. Nor was there any support for me at all whatsoever.

I realize that being yelled at and to be made to give my attention to something and someone that was making the noise, wondering who that was yelling at me to get my attention, was only forever more  destroying and abusing my life. Just  to make me smile and give  attention to a person whois not able to express themselves in a  stable with me, but  to play around with me and abuse me and think that it won’t matter later in my life, not  even considering the fact that I was being hindered that very day of 1 or 2 years of age that old and now that I am being abused for my attention and not knowing who it was constantly every second. Not even knowing who  is there or who isn’t there, and how it all stemmed from that very point and affected each and every fucking culminating event, circumstance, opportunity  and decision that never was able to  support me  with whatever i wanted to do. Because I never truly focused on what was best to achieve, no wonder I was  able to do anything for real. Nor was I able to process any type of information in the best effective and efficient ways possible. Instead it  was all ineffective and inefficient for the absolute delusional and illusional ways possible to destroy my life and how I have led myself into the abyss and how my parents have done the same for me. No wonder I had rebelled them, because they wanted me to not  do what they didn’t want me to do, and to never let me be free and  express myself, because they never truly raised me to become the person I was meant to become. They  only forever destroyed my life, tarnished it, destroyed it, and how my life is the way it is, today, with nothing, but unread books, and unfinished accomplishments, all tarnished and forgotten about, within lost opportunities of something that could’ve been for the better for me. And how it was all purely abused and neglected for the worst.

I realise that my life was never going to be better ever since, that day, upon my realisation of this and where my life is where it's at right now, with nothing not a lot of money in my bank account, not a lot of read books and applied information. Because I couldn’t recognize the words and never truly had a  joy for reading and to apply it and make something real of myself and in front of me and with others. Was never considered  about, nor was it done in the best ways possible of actual skill  for anything to be for the better at all, whatsoever. And how I kept doing this, but  was never able to stop destroying my life, and how everything  was always falling apart, because I was always deviating myself to something else and never had a good foundation to build anything to be of true validity, ever since. No wonder I was able to make a lot of money, build relationships within it, having that trust within myself to do what  is best, I mean literally whatever for the better. And how I was never able to do anything of creation and value for my life and for with others. And how my life has ended up to where it is today, lacking with so many limitations, not able to do anything for myself, not able to make the money that I’ve always wanted and to have the things and life that I’ve always wanted. Within the relationships built along the way, were never built, because I never had a great  relationship  with myself, nor did my parents, so I never knew how  to network and connect with others, no wonder my life is not where it is supposed to be  for the better, at all. Not truly being able to trust myself for real to make something be for the better for myself, nor do I trust myself fully to create a life for the better, afraid that it might fall apart again, no matter how big or small. Not ever knowing if my creations will ever be of validity for real.

I realise that I was not able to have and develop a real life of abundance and true actual validity for the better, at all. And how each and every creation that I’ve ever made, fell apart, and was  destroyed by others, such as my father, and how he destroyed my toy cars on a coffee table, not ever expressing to me that I was scratching it up. And how he only wanted  to destroy what I had and was enjoying, and how ever since that day, it also affected each and every decision that I’ve ever made. And never had  any true actual success for real, ever since.

I realise that whatever I created, it was never made to be of true validity for the better at all, whatsoever.

I commit myself to be sure of myself and trust myself to understand and know how to build things and rebuild my life and my stability and how I see reality and interact within it.  And to be able to create business, and money, relationships, abundance and prosperity into my life, and to get the support within it  along the way and plan accordingly for what’s best of common sense and actual practicality. For the better. For as I see myself as life and life resonance as self awareness and self directive principle to giving 100% from myself in the best ways possible for the better as LIFE!

I commit myself to develop myself to trust myself fully to 100% each and every time in each and all of my decisions and creations and to lead others to do the same within me, and to do it out of principle and never just out of experience for the sake of it may not be able to work, when it is only just a fear from another, to do it anyway, there’s nothing to lose but try it out with focus and fortitude and determination to make something  real of true tactical creation and execution. By making our physical the guideline and intellectually becoming better within that to make our lives for the better, abundantly, to prosper for the  better, to create and build and develop truly for the better, for as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and  as self directive principle as and for LIFE! Making sure which ways are the best to  go about and then roll it out and test it and keep going for the better!

I commit myself to inform myself and educate myself and to get the support from myself and from  others who are my colleagues and who are stable and are making things to be real and of validity for real. To be focused on what I am reading and  understand what is being conveyed, and how the words are being conveyed and what it is presenting that I can use into my life and to share it with others for the better as well. And to see what others feedbacks are, and what they think of it and what they  think is best to do, and come to my own conclusion as well, and to see what is best to do, and keep going and improving the ways of execution and adapting when and if something were to ever impede,  and to self direct myself and others if anyone is around for the better. For as I see myself as life and life resonance awareness as self directive principle  for and as LIFE for the better!

I commit myself to be focused on the task and assignment at hand, to whatever it is that I am doing and to stay on topic and that nothing else matters, but to build what we have going on and consider the other ramifications and to what we can do counter that and  to build something with a  true strong foundation and  developing it and scaling it to new heights than ever before. Doing it practically and pragmatically, and  to disregard theory automatically, that practicality with  everything to be of true creation and development is and will be for the better. For as I see myself as life and self directive principle within awareness for and as life for the better!

I commit myself to pay the heeded attention to what matters most and focus on what matters and to follow up and follow through with focus, consistency and pure persistence and perseverance for the better. To that whatever of a business deal is going on, to stay on topic and subject of the objective with others and to never deviate to anything else, unless it be needed to have fun and to see what we can do to have fun while we do business and  complete the business matters at hand for the better. For as I see myself as life and life resonance of awareness using the physical guideline as  self directive  principle as life and for the better!

I commit myself to focus on what I am reading in the moment and what it understands and how the letter and words, sentences and ideas are being conveyed in a  certain particular purposeful way. And how  I can improve it as exactly as it is into my life for  the better. To truly become the  Master of my own Fate and To be the Executive of myself, mastering myself, so I can master my life  for the better, learning and becoming MULTIPLE AND MULTIPLE TIMES, MUCH MORE, effective and efficient  than ever, each and every time bringing and delivering in my  effort with strong focused momentum for the better. For as I see myself as life and in awareness, as self directive principle as life for the better!

I commit myself to encourage and build my kids foundation along with my wife, of providing stability to our children, as we have provided it to ourselves and from the help of our colleagues and what we can do to really bring the best foundation to our children. Focus, fun, and support, within becoming much more effective and efficient in how  they are educated and specifically to how to do it and do so. Adapting and improving and improving and adapting along the way for the better. To help them be able to use TechnoTutor, and how to  do it and sound out the letters with them and how to do it, encouraging them to keep going. To help them want to do it for themselves and to see what they want and how it can be explained practically and pragmatically for actual support for their education and their life for the better. and to provide organic and nutritious foods and supplements to eat and digest. Within that, to have fun whatever we are doing and making learning fun, as it is supposed to be and to help them increase their learning abilities  and to  support them all the way for the better specifically to when and as if they are experiencing something that they do not yet understand. And how I am able to give more context to what I do not understand and how it can be understood for the better.  For as I see myself as life and self awareness as self directive principle  for and as life for the better!

I commit myself to lead myself and others to do what is best, to focus on the task at hand within the company, for my employees, salespersons, operators, senior partners, lawyers and accounts, directors. To investigate information and to use it and apply it specifically and to understand what we're  learning and applying as  a team and how it Can be applied pragmatically and practically for our super  success. To develop and scale what we are actually doing to grow the business and only focus on the subject and topic at hand and disregard everything else, and to adapt improve and improve and adapt along the way for the business and for ourselves together as a big corporation for the better. For as I see myself as life and self awareness, as self directive principle for and as life for the better!

I commit myself to write my self forgiveness specifically and thoroughly to  see what exactly happened and how I can forgive myself of what is not best within me. Along with my commitment statements to make it specific to what exactly, step by step and breath by breath along the way to correct myself for real, practically, pragmatically, for my ultimate super success! And to stop and breathe statements to when and if a specific reaction were to ever come up and to stop and breathe, be here and to take care of what is here with responsibility and self directive principle as life for the better! Within realisation statements, to see what had affected me and how it has  affected me  and what it has caused me to do, and  how i can realise what had  truly happened to and for mean who was involved at the time. Within that using the tools of TechnoTutor, Desteni I Process, self forgiveness and self commitment as self corrective application specifically, to improve  and develop and scale my life to abundance, within the power of the group and building with my colleagues for true abundance and prosperity for the better! For as I see myself as life  and life resonance as self awareness, and as self directive principle for and as life for the better!

Day 62: If I Evict him out, He'll Panic

If I evict him out, he’ll panic

(read aloud and breathe)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not  realise as a father  to be  so tempted to kick out my son and to potentially evict him each and every time as if he doesn’t even matter to me and how his behavior is  shit. Just because i am not realisation, that he is not taking  responsibility for it, because in fact and reality, I have also made him this way by bringing up so to the delusional point of no  return to be blind to the fact of what actual good behavior is, no matter how positive or negative it may be. I only think  of it  as my way of manipulating him to make him bow down to me and follow my  rules or else. Or else he  will never live here and be homeless just like I was and to do the same thing to him, was the same thing I’ve done to myself, just because I left home at 16 years old, that i had enough  of my parents shit and had to leave, because of the  undue  right to be treating me like shit and projecting fear and negativity to the point of where nothing will ever happen for me. Nothing good, nothing for the better, no  wonder i am doing the same thing to my son, as if i couldn’t even realise that I’ve done the same thing to myself, not realising that I am doing the same thing to my son and making him feel as if he is not ever welcome in my home. To anger him as I have angered myself to not ever have something  of shelter and a home and roof above me to protect me from the weather and other people and how i am trying to protect my son from other people, when in fact and in reality I am doing that, just so I can abuse him more and make him obey to me. How I am not realising that i am abusing him emotionally and physically to the point where there’s loud nonsense arguments to the point where i can not handle any of it, and have to go tattle tale to my neighbor, as my son has had done the same thing when I  was young as well, no wonder my son is  acting the same way in detrimental ways as I have done as well, no wonder I am nothing but a deadbeat loser, like any other father who is unstable and has nothing going for his life. No wonder I have nothing and always self sabotage myself in great dishonesty and distrust  to the point of no actual conversation or questioning my ways and challenging them if needed. And how I have never done that ever since, no wonder it has gotten more and more worse for me, to the point where I want to evict my son and if I don’t do it, then I am fucking myself if I do it either way, because I am only forever more hurting myself, not just him. And how I will anger him and assume in my own ways that there are lies to make him panic if I evict him and kick him out and never let him back with all of the things that he has, and how if he does go out. Then he will have nothing just like I didn't have anything either, no wonder I am doing something to my son as I have done to myself on purpose in an unstable family, no wonder nothing has ever amounted for the better at all whatsoever.

I  forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that if my dad evicts me then I will panic in my own assumption?, and how that makes me livid  and angry to the point where I want to smash a bowl over his head and stab the broken pieces in his neck and kill him. And how I don’t like how the lies he tells to project over exaggerations that he does to  himself, and how I have done nothing to hurt him physically, but to speak my words and how he is only forevermore self sabotaging himself to the point where he will make himself cry like a little bitch. And how nothing will ever surface and surface form that, no true result will ever come from that and how it makes me want to break so many things in this house  and burn it down, just because of the rage and internal rage that is within me to ruin this man who has as well ruined my life for the worst, and left me with people who never had my best interest in mind, no wonder they abused me and hurt me and emotionally and physically. To the point where I would be so livid and angry and want to destroy things as I have done the very past and how this ugly deadbeat has  done the same to me, and how I took out my anger on the house, destroying windows and walls, and doors and  glasses and many other things that don’t even matter to me, by my own assumption. And how my childhood was full of anger and false assumptions and projected anger that was instilled within me, as a huge rock or multiple little rocks that would impede my own pond and shake the  currents of energy within me and  then when something really bad would happen, something of a big rocks would go into my own pond and destroy and erupt everything to the point of no return. As if my bodily currents were erupted and disturbed and how those rocks at the  bottom of the deep pond were disturbed and it feels like as if those rocks are not able to be return and casted back into the earth where it belongs, not in my own pond where it is destroying me and each and every decision that I am ever making that is hurting me to the point where Ii want to destroy everything. Because I am not feeling so well in my mind as if this feeling will ever go away at all whatsoever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a father to want to evict my son and make him be homeless just like me and how my wife and I have basically kicked out our son as he was a baby, and gave him away to several people that would be of exponential caretaker for him. And how that never worked ever since, because if we held onto him any longer, he would cry  so much more and never turn to the point of stability. Due to the fact of our instability as husband and wife, hurting our son with our detrimental yelling and arguments and teasing remarks that are not what’s best at all, whatsoever. Nothing, and how he we are only making fun of each other in the worst ways possible, into an attempt to potentially hurt someone on purpose just because we want to have fun, when fun is not that way, it is  only abuse for the worst. In our delusion just because we think making fun and having with teasing remarks is the best way to go about anything to  gain some type of bond with the child of ours, that we’ve given away so man times and kicked out so many times due to the fact of instability and no way of treating our son with actual stability and common sense and practicality. It was all on theory and impractical, theoretical, bullshit that wasn't even best to do and project. No wonder he  is not able to be stable with us, because of our bullshit and how have projected so many harsh things onto him and into him, as he got in trouble, because we never could express ourselves to him and always isolated him, and therefore, most of the  anger came from me, and the isolation came from both of us as father and mother. No wonder he is a strange copy of DNA and heredity information that was passed down onto and projected onto as stupidity to the point where he will act out those minute detrimental qualities that aren’t even best to reenact ever again at all whatsoever. Even if he does, we would  yell at him and make him feel bad and angered just because we don’t want to accept and allow his bullshit that we have projected onto him, as we have accepted and allowed the same from ourselves. We just only suppressed it and made it worse within and upon ourselves, for the absolute worst of all, instability and theory and impracticality for the worst.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as parents as mother and father to give our son away so many damn times just because we can’t handle his instability of crying so much and how he knew deep down. That we are not the people to be taking care of him, and that he doesn’t want to be with us, just because of our lack of expression and instability and irrational ways of expression. And how I would cry so much  outside of the room instead of attending to my son to take care of him, instead, I left him crying in the  room and made it worse for him, isolated and crying with deep pain and grief and anger. To where he doesn’t know what is going on and he  isn’t available to see who is there to hug him and to take care of him with care and affection to do it properly and  effectively. And how I wasn’t even there for him, and how he kept crying and it echoed really loud within the room and it was hurting him, grieving intensely, to  where he would cry himself to sleep. And how i would do the same as well for the worst.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that i was left in my carriage and on the bed crying myself so intensely with anger and fright and sadness and deep sorrow. To where my parents are at and how I was being isolated and not taken care of with the right care and affection and heeded  attention. That I  was never given, and was only forever more being neglected of it, to the point where as i grew up older and older, I eventually never gave that attention to myself, nor did I ever allow it from others, no wonder i pushed everyone away, and how my father had made me  do the same thing and enforced, without even realizing that he was doing the same bullshit to me,  as i was a baby.  And hw this pattern kept on going within my life for years on end, affecting each and every fucking decision that i’ve ever made from the very moment i was left in the bedroom to cry out loud in  grief and deep pain to the point where i didn’t even know what the hell was going and why no one was here. And how i  was just a baby, I was letting myself cry and to get attention to whatever i wanted, but ever since, as I was growing up, I never got that personal attention for myself, therefore, I never reach out to anyone and always postponed my way  so a attention and  help, no wonder I never interact with others and how i am also isolating myself off as i was a baby and even as I was growing  up and never was allowed to go out and have friends and play with others. Because my father was always strict and restrained me from going anywhere and how he always wanted me to be home and have ever not to be home. But I never wanted to be, I wanted to have fun and express myself, but my father never did let me express myself, therefore, I never did truly ever express myself authentically, no  wonder I am as well doing the same thing that my father had done to me, as he had done to  himself and how his parents and other people have  done the same thing to himself as well. No wonder I always isolate myself in some type of way and varying degree to the point where I don’t even feel like I need the help, when in fact and reality, I am living the words of eviction of myself and isolation. No  wonder i am not connecting and  being with others and how my life is always lacking and full of limitation, to where i can’t even make true real money, instead have to be a slave idiot just like my parents and everyone else that I’ve ever known in my life, no wonder I am not connecting and actually truly getting the support to be with others, and how I am missing out on opportunities due to me as myself isolating  and postponing myself to the point where  I Don't even know why I am doing it, ever so often, not even realising that I have been doing this isolation and  eviction of myself of everyone else and around me that I’ve ever known still know now. And how my life hasn’t gotten better, due  to those formative years and as well as growing up past the  formative years and then being isolated off and doing it to myself more and more. Without even realising that i wasn't even truly ever getting far to where I wanted to go. Because I was so blind to the fact and point where I was just living words and pure dirty black  energy within me that is slowing me down and blocking and impeding my way, and how I don’t even know that I am impeding myself just because my father and mother  had done this to me as I was a baby, and how my father had done this to me when and as I was growing up and wanted to go outside and play. But never got to fully, even when my father would restrict me from going anywhere, because he didn’t want me to be unstable, when in fact he was already unstable himself. And how he is trying to hold me back and abuse me, when he is not keeping me safe, he is abusing my freedom to isolate me, because he always isolates himself as well, not even knowing and releasing that he is doing that to himself, whether he knows it or not. And how no wonder I’ve never gotten far and wanted to do whatever I wanted to do  with my life, but ever since till today, many wasted years later, and abused years later, I am now doing the same thing that my father had  enforced onto me, as a baby, given away, evicted. And much later as i was younger and wanted to go outside to play, and how my shoelace got caught in my bike spool where the chain connects  to the serrated blade to the gold chain and how he  dragged me in and hit me in the face and arm. And how he was angry at me and how my friends were confused and scared and afraid of what was happening to me and how I was about to be abused by an idiot who never  cared for me and is about to die soon if he doesn’t even realise that he needs to take care of himself. And if he doesn't, he’s fucked, and how i won’t be there for the funeral either. Fuck that. Self honestly and dishonestly in contradiction tot he pint where I don’t even care about him anymore, whether he lives or dies, he abused me and hurt my life, and how I am doing the same to myself, not even knowing that I am abusing myself, from what my parents had done to me, for the absolute fucking worst. How fucking detrimental that is, you know?, fucking shit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that no matter what I do, I will be isolating myself, no matter if I am stuck in some place or have to do something that is of priority to me that I don't want to do. And how I am stuck in this situation of where I am financially and emotionally, and how I am not even truly free to where I want to be for the better. Abusing myself, as my parents have abused me and how I am doing what they are doing to me, not realising that i am living their actions that they have done to me in my own way, that isn’t best for me at all whatsoever. To where there is no  point of return for me, as if it is set in stone and not able to change and escape to truly be free and quit being a slave to myself and have to slave each and everything to and for myself as if I can’t ever truly be free for myself. Because I’ve been trapped all my life, and was never truly ever free, because I was only being isolated and trapped within myself and how my parents had done the same thing to me and even to themselves, t where i don’t even know what to do with my life, so therefore, nothing ever since happened for real. None of the efforts turned into real abundant positive results, it was never for the better, I was only forever more, abusing my opportunities and blinding myself to them to the point where I am not able to do whatever it takes for myself. And how no wonder i am postponing myself to not have a  life of true freedom of emotional stability, physically, and within financial stability as well. And how it is at a lack and limitation right now. And how it feels ever so hard, not knowing when I’ll ever get out of this mess and environment that isn’t even serving me, because I don’t even know how to serve me, nor do\ my parents either. They’re deadbeats, they’re stupid, they don’t know anything, therefore, they couldn’t event teach me anything, no wonder, they put me in school with the other brainwashed idiots and fools that don’t  even know anything and how the teachers ands students asked me to stop talking, while I wanted to  talk and do what I wanted  to do. And not bother with someone else’ rules that don’t even matter to me. Just because I didn’t think they  ever applied to me, as if I was  defying some type of reality, when In reality, I was just expressing myself and someone is trying to stop me from doing that, for people who don’t even have my best interest at heart and mind, at all whatsoever. No wonder I did the same thing for myself, not ever giving to myself, no wonder I have never made it truly to make my life a living abundant heaven, instead I’ve only ever since made it a living hell, just like my father and mother have done for me and the other various amounts of people that I’ve ever met and lived and was with, in my formative years. And how ever since, it got worse after that. Not ever being aware of why that ever was, at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself off, just because I feel that I am not worthy to be with others and how no  wonder I am not ever with people and being with others and connecting with others. And how I am always in this limited solitude to where I make excuses to the point where I don’t make the effort to  make any contact with others and always want to be with myself. And even if I am with others in public or even at their  home, I isolate myself the same way, just  in a different degree and manner. That I am not ever truly self aware, therefore, I never had a great relationship with myself, because my parents never gave that to me, therefore, i am now doing it, without even realising that i don’t care about myself because i truly don’t, even my financial future, at all whatsoever either. No wonder I don’t have enough money opportunities to make something real and valid for myself. No matter how good or bad it may be, everything in my life was always some type of detriment, no wonder I don’t care for anyone, in my own assumption and how I don't even care for myself. And no wonder I do not care for others, because I don’t care  for myself.  How sad and depressing that is, disappointing in fact, at a loss for the worst. No wonder I don’t have the money and life that i want, the relationships, the things that i want in my life, the abundance, and how i all have lack and limitation forever. But now that I realise this, I can truly change it for the better and along with the support from the right people who have best interest in my mind and how I can start truly caring for REAL, for the better.

When and as i see myself isolating myself and making  excuses as if  i have no one, when I do, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself not reaching out to others to make contact and do  something productive and actually fun for business and life itself, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself acting in ways to evict myself from other people and even from myself so subtly, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself postponing my freedom emotionally and within  financially, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself isolating myself off and sacrificing it for thinking that I have no one in my life, when I do, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself not making any sacrifices to make money and be free to be, do and have more in my life and postponing my actions within that,  I stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself not taking any inspired action to become free and make something real for myself, i stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself urging myself to not do what’s best, even if it is isolation, I immediately realise that, and stop and breathe and go do what is best for me to advance for the better.

When and as I see myself not doing what’s best for me and for others when and as I am around others, I stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself thinking that i am not able to do that of anything, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself thinking that I don’t feel like doing what I should be doing to advance myself, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself postponing myself to feel like I don’t want to do anything, when in  fact  it is a lie that I am telling myself, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself urging myself to live and experience  a lie, I stop and breathe and take self directive principle for truth and authenticity.

When and  as i see myself urging myself to lose all of my money and spending  it on stupid things, i stop and breathe.

When I see myself  not  making any  sort  of money to be free and have  something for myself and to have way more than enough, I stop and breathe  and go to get way more than enough by doing what’s best.

When and as I see myself not improving myself at all whatsoever to any degree, I stop and breathe.

When I see myself allocating my  time to not being serious with my life to make something real and abundant for my life for the better, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself not looking to get any nor give any support for myself and for others as well, I stop  and breathe and do so to give and get the support.

I realise that my parents never truly ever gave to me, they always took from me, and how I was also the one who would be taking from myself as well. Blinding myself of opportunities and how life was always already there for me. For my own life, that I was forever more deluding for the worst.

I realise that if my father would ever evict, I would not panic, I would know what to do and get the support from others who do care and how it is only his assumption and how that made me livid and angry just because he wanted to do that to me. Because of nonsense irrational decisions and along with his emotions  as well for the  worst. No wonder my life is the way it is till this  very day, not being to support myself, because my parents never  supported me, therefore, they isolated me and threatened me. To bow down to their stupid unknown laws and rules that don’t even make any sense to me, just because they don’t even know how to express  themselves  to me and to themselves and even to others. No wonder I was not able to express myself, therefore, I was always expressing myself in lack and limitation, in such an abundant reality, that people have perceived to be at a lack and limitation. When it is  their mind that has  made it that way, within their words and deeds and different definitions that have  caused havoc in their lives. And how that  was the same for my parents and as well as for me. No wonder I do not have any sort of  freedom, financial freedom, and emotional stability. It is all at a wasteful limitation and lacking effort and of results  as well.

I realise that I would always isolate myself and never be with others and never  connect with others, no wonder I always isolate myself thinking that I can do big things all on my own. When In fact  and i cannot, and how i communicate and express myself to the point where there is nothing of actual value coming from me to  be used for real to make a real result real and of possession within self direction for the better at all whatsoever.

I realised that I was isolated and evicted as a baby, given away multiple times as a baby, to my grandmother and to other people that i don’t even fucking know. And how they came to my house years later to introduce themselves that they’ve taken care of me, and how I really don’t give a shit  if  you came or not, you never wanted to be in contact with me ever since, so you don’t care. Get out, anyway, the same thing will be evicted and kicked out multiple times as I was growing up older and older, my irrationality got worse, as my  father never knew what to even do with me. Therefore, he was always as well irrational and stupid as well, not ever knowing  why I was acting this way, when in fact and reality, this is coming from him and a part of my own creation as well. Not ever  considering the fact that I did not  have a good childhood at all whatsoever, no wonder I am still broke, stuck at home, not free, emotionally and financially, at all whatsoever. And how  everyone treats me like shit, when in fact, no one is, I am the one who is doing that to me, no wonder I have such a shitty life, full of instability, irrationality, arguing and getting mad over things on a drop of a dime and a hat, with full force and vigorous anger for the absolute worst. Nothing was ever for the better, it was some type of danger and instability going on, there was never  any stability within me and my family. There was always separation, no one ever did  anything together, because no one ever knew how to express themselves to me, no wonder they couldn’t for themselves either, and how no wonder I  couldn’t do it for me either, because I just never knew how, so I never did, nor did I ever get the help for that either. No wonder my life is the way it is, not serious about making money and making lots of it. Therefore, everything was always a fucking struggle for me, it was never easy, I never made anything real of any profit ever since. No wonder  I do not have what I want in  my life, nor do my parents at all whatsoever either.

I realised that my parents never truly cared for me, no wonder I never truly cared for myself and for my life  and my  money and relationships  and everything that I’ve ever had in my life. No wonder  I was not able to create anything for real. Being upset and sad and depressed, having some type of ugly look on my face, always angry at something when I was not aware thatI was living the abuse that my parents had and have given to me many years ago. No wonder I was  not able to  truly  care for myself, but to hate myself and isolate myself into oblivion and for the  worst.

I realise that  I’ve got to ever have more than enough money, and now I never had more than under $2,000 USD, no nor did my parents either. They’ve always spent their money on worthless things and kept worthless things, no wonder my life is the way it is, emotionally and financially as well, for the worst. And how I am not able to get the opportunities and make my business great and purposeful. Therefore, I never truly cared about making anything real, I only thought that this is not something that I want to focus on, and to get rid of it and let it be there for now, and never heed purposeful attention onto it, to make a profit and make something real for myself. But even though, I just never did, because I never truly ever cared for my life, my relationships, my emotional stability, nor my financial situation within money and getting money at all either. No wonder I am not in the place where I want to be financially at all whatsoever. I haven't had enough ever since, I earned money from my first jobs, and even when I wanted to go into  business, it never worked either. Because of the detrimental living words, that I was living that weren't best for me. And how they were as well projected onto me by unstable irrational people who never had my best interest in mind  and heart, no  wonder, I did the same for myself as well, and how I don’t have enough. and how this has been going on for  years, not  ever having anything for myself at all whatsoever. Since the age of 11 or 12 and  onto 16, as it got worse, and worse into oblivion.

I realise that no wonder  I was  never able to  achieve anything in my life, it was  all for nothing,  all mediocre efforts  and inefficient and ineffective  inconsistent efforts. And how nothing was ever created for the better from me, because I never knew how. Therefore, I could never be able to do it, and within my instability as well, because in fact, I knew nothing to create anything for the better at all. No wonder I don’t have anything to be  real in my life, excluding each and every relationship that I’ve ever had, no wonder I don’t have  the money  that I want to have. And the life either as well, nothing for the better absolutely fucking nothing. Nothing real, ever.

I realise at times, I would always ask why in offense to others as if I wanted to exclude everyone from my life and for them to never help me. Because I truly deep down don’t want the help, due to my instability. And how it is just a mere excuse for delusion and interaction itself that could’ve been for the  better, instead it was neglected due to a irrational stupid response that wasn’t best for me and for the other person either at all whatsoever. And how I was in-stable, in a stable feeling as if I was going nowhere to ever truly be free at all whatsoever.

I realise that I was never truly ever free, I was forever trapped as a slave to my own body and mind and a slave to my parents and a slave to money and to my world and in my relationships that were never cultivated to be of fruitfulness and cooperation and collaboration for the better. Instead I was always in my mind, being  a loser for the worst. And how  this bullshit that i was participating in  was not helping me  get further to where i wanted to  go in my life. No wonder I am not where I want to be  and my parents fucked me up so bad and how I did the same to myself so badly and  therefore, I have never truly ever been  free, ever since age 1-7  and 8-9, 10-12, 16 and so on for the worst. And how my life has been a harsh struggle for a very very long time. And how I’ve never realised this, up until now. And how I was unable to realise this for so long, such a hard long struggle for so long, not able to make anything  real and of actual value, for myself and for and with others. At all, whatsoever.

I realise that I was never able to make anything truly real and of value at all whatsoever, even when it came to money, and the creativity of making and getting it. I just never knew how to do anything actually for the better at all whatsoever. I was slow, I didn’t know how  to process  information, therefore, I never could see more and  do more for my life. No wonder i was able to do and have more in my life, and how everything was always at a limit. Even the words, I knew and  attempted to know, had no true meaning to and within my foundation, as a person, and within my formative years as well. And how the  meaning to the words I knew and didn’t know of and just guessed at and with, had no meaning, therefore, I had no meaning to and for my life, at all whatsoever. No meaningful life, just a useless, worthless life, no matter how hard I tried at anything, nothing ever amounted to being achieved for real and for the better at all, whatsoever. No wonder I had a meaningless life and lived it for so many  years up until now, nothing  ever since created for the better at all, whatsoever. And how ever since, nothing EVER Real, was created for REAL at all. Whatsoever.

I commit myself to make life for real, develop and become the best version of myself for real, make love for real, make my actions within creating a life that I should’ve had for real, with abundance and wealth and prosperity and stability. Just like it should’ve been for real, connecting with myself intimately more for real, making life truly abundant for real, within for what’s best for all for real, for as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness as self directive principle to lead as life!

I commit myself to grow and scale the money I am making with the power of the group and as well as taking self responsibility in self directing myself to take 100% responsibility as well within the group and encouraging others to do the same to keep increasing their efforts to make money much more effective and efficient. To do what’s best for all, within pragmatic ways practically and with stability, and common sense to keep persevering and persisting through to do the task and objectives simply and do what I simply planned out to do in the best ways possible. As my input = output to adapt to the situation and process to improve my input to get an effective and efficient input within the output. For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and as self directive principle as LIFE!

I commit myself to help my kids as they grow up to be older and older, to become self-sufficient within the support and stability and the right foundation for them to be able to become to have a wonderful life of abundance and fun. Within the best learning ways at home and implementing things that we’ve learned and to make learning truly fun for the better, within stability and practically for the better. And encouraging my wife to do the same in the best ways possible of stability in her process and supporting her within the best ways possible of stability of care and affection as one and equals as life. For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and as self directive principle as LIFE!

I commit myself to lead myself for real, help and support myself for real and to connect with others with purpose for real, and to do what is best for real in my business, within my employees, salespersons, scientists, engineers, educators, salespersons, lawyers and accountants, upper management within my company, senior partners, directors. To make things for real, to do it simply, and persistently and perseveringly in the best ways of stability and practicality for real. To never accept mediocrity and make our success in our actions and creations of what’s best for all for real, within creating a true monopolization for real, for what’s best for all for REAL, for as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness within and as self directive principle and live by principled living for real, as LIFE!

I commit myself to live by principled living for real, no matter what, doing what’s best for all for real within principled living, and doing what’s best for my life and with others as well. To always Live by principles and nothing else, no feeling majority of the time will be of common sense, so we will make it practically and pragmatically, not ever theory at all. Practically, within sureness of myself and for and with others who are willing to live by principles, and to do the same with my colleagues by adapting and improving our principled living for the better. For as I see myself as life and life awareness as self resonance directive principle for and as life!

I commit myself to work with my team and not just by myself all the time, and of course to take responsibility within that and to help others to do the same as well. Within planning each and every hour effectively and meetings accordingly in the best ways possible for the time of certain business deals and meetings to happen at the right time in the best  ways possible for the better. For as I see myself as life and life resonance  as self directive principle as LIFE!

I commit myself to write self forgiveness to forgive myself of what is not best within  me and what is around me that if it is  affecting me in some type of way, within stop and breathing statements, to take self directive principle when and if a reaction were to ever come up. And to take care of what is here and be here as breath and life itself, within realisation statements to realise what I had been affected with and who was involved and what was going. Within that, I commit myself to write self commitment statements and to live the living change for real, to correct myself in application in the physical movement for and as my life for real. Within using the tools of TechnoTutor, and self forgiveness and self commitment corrective application and the support groups and connecting with others for real. For as I see myself as life and life principled living as self directive principle for and as LIFE!