Tuesday, December 29, 2020

Day 76: Stealing money

 Stealing money

(read aloud and breathe)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise and realize now that when I was a little kid, I would tend to steal money from my dad and how I would go into his room, just to take $20 USD, and have to go in and take something. And how he would know that I would take $20 USD and never return it and just to keep it for myself and never let him have anything from me. Because in fact, I know I was stealing money from him, because I just never knew how to make anything for myself and didn’t have much, and always lacked the possession for money, nor did I even know how to make money for myself. And how no wonder I would have to go sneak into my dad’s room at night, even before I was about to go to bed, and was too afraid to ask him for money. So I would just end up taking $20 dollars or more, and how I knew he wasn’t teaching me anything, so why not steal from him, because I needed money to buy my own things and how I didn't have anything for myself, nor did I have a business or a job of anything at the time, and how i wasn’t able to have enough of anything. No wonder I would always steal from other people, and in their stores, and have to take things, just because I didn’t have enough money to buy anything. No wonder I am taking money from other people in my current job and how I am not being responsible to return the money to the person to whom I made the tip at the table of the restaurant. And how I am not living the dishonesty from my childhood, just like I was doing to my father, and how I am now doing it to other people. Therefore, my impropriety and dishonesty has taken place in my realisation and how  I am constantly doing it, and not even mentioning to whom took the money or who didn’t and just constantly taking people’s money and not giving it to them honestly, because I do not have enough. And how i was truly never able to learn how to make money fast and for Real, legitimately, and how ever since I am not practicing any honest ways of making money, fast and effectively. No wonder I am in the position of where I am in my life, making money very slowly and not being able to be free and not ever considering the fact that I am not getting paid enough to do anything. Nor am I truly giving to myself to be able to have much more than enough money in my bank account, within that, I know my parents have never truly taught me anything, no wonder I am in the position of not having enough money and will probably never be able to have more than enough money, if I don’t truly find a way to make more and increase my skills and who I am as a being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a father to not teach my son how to make money and how I would always leave him in lack and never teach him anything, but to be a slave like everyone else. And even when he didn’t have enough money, he would steal from stores and not return anything, and how I was the one who had caused him to steal, to the point where he wouldn’t even have enough to buy anything that he wanted. Not even food, even that to the extent. He would steal food, and still not have enough in his bank account or even in his piggy bank to save his money. No wonder at night time, when he was much younger, he would come into my room, sneaking under the chair or sometimes he would already be there, and wait for me, and then to the money and leave. And how he  would always be taking my money, and even my wife’s money to buy things he didn’t have enough for, whether it be books, toys, or whatever he wanted. And how I am such a fucking deadbeat, to be not teaching my son about anything to make any sort of money and to be able to be independent and on his own, and not to have any sort of backing and help from us. That which we never gave to him, therefore, no wonder he is not able to make enough and more than enough money, to be able to buy the things he wants, and how no wonder his life is at such a limit, no wonder he is not able to buy anything he wants, he is not living on his own. With me comparing him to other 18 years olds that move out and do other shit on their own and fuck their lives up, and how I have already fucked my son’s life up, and how for me to be comparing him to other 18 year olds that have a better foundation than he had. I am a hypocrite, and a fucking loser for doing that. And how I am shoving that into his face and making him feel that way and how he is bickering back at me for my stupid comparison and making him feel bad for not being independent, and how I am the one who had fucked up his foundation, as a child and even to now to where he is and how he is living and what he is doing currently in his life. That is not much and how he is not able to build anything, because I never taught him anything, and how I ruined his self esteem along the way and even patronized him and scolded him and made fun of him. Teased him, spitefully, and beat up and abused him, to all ways and kinds of ways that were not best for him. No wonder he despises me and disrespects me so much, and how I do not like my son either, and how I do not like myself either, no wonder my son’s relationship with me, is shit, because I have a shit relationship with me and how he now has a shit relationship with himself, and is not able to do anything and create anything for real, in my own assumption, and how It was the one who ruined that for him. And how he is now struggling for money and struggling to make money in his life. And is not able to go anywhere, to travel and even the most important part, to be responsible and living on his own and how he is not able to do any of that. And it was all due to my fault and how he is living the faulty teachings of my faultiness and abusiveness. No wonder my life and his life has gone to shit, for the worst. Even his health is somewhat deteriorating and how mine is going down the drain, for the absolute fucking worst for me. No wonder I am not truly ever responsible for anything,  either at all, whatsoever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that no matter how hard I try at making any sort of money, I will never be able to make more than enough to be able to live the way I want to live my life. And how that is not working for me fast enough and. Therefore within that, my foundation has been tarnished and ruined by a person who never had my best interest in mind and heart for me, no wonder I am now struggling to make any sort of money and have no true skills of communication, and/or of anything else to be truly to be somewhat of an elite, when I first wanted to be an entrepreneur and seen how people had amazing things and how I’ve come to want what they have. But at the time , when I wanted to make money for myself, I was not able to do it, because I was focusing on the wrong things of making money and how I didn’t even know what I was doing, and making money was so hard for me. Because I didn’t have any leadership, communication skills, nor the vocabulary to do anything, and couldn’t even express myself, to the fullest of what I want to do in my life. And how nothing is ever flourishing for me, no matter what I do and attempt at creating, and would easily quit, because I am not making a fast profit, that it annoys me for not making something, because my father would do the same thing to me, when and as I wasn’t able to apply the things he’s trying to teach me, because he knew he would abuse that ability, if he tried to do anything to teach me anything. No wonder I never learned anything from him, and how I have to do a LOT of things on my own, because he never taught me anything truly, and how he would have me move to live with my cousins and with some other people who were going to better schools or whatever it  was. But no matter where they sent me, I was never able to learn effectively, nor was I able to even read and process information. And how that has compiled up to where I am now in my life, to not being taught anything practically, and even tangible for tangible results to be real. It was all metaphorical, fake, dubious, and stupid, no wonder I am not where  I want to be in my life, not being able to make the money I want in my life, and that I am struggling so much to be recreating and rebuilding my life with so much struggle. That sometimes, I just want to quit and stop everything. Because I am not able to get the results that I WANT in my life and how even minimal  mistakes would cause me to curse and do stupid things that are not even best for me. And how my father was the one to do the same, even in private, and in his mind, and how I am now doing it to myself, as he was doing it to himself, and sometimes to me, not knowing that he was imprinting and imposing me with his insecure bullshit that would fuck my life over, for the absolute worst.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dishonest with myself and not truthful with myself when it comes to stealing money and making money and how I am not able to do anything that would’ve and could’ve been ethical to do and how IT was always doing things that were ethical.  But not for myself, nor other people, because I never knew how to truly give to others and be able to make money for real and lots of it. But even if I was able to make a lot of money, I was never going to be able to retain it and grow it, I would just end up spending it, to how and what I have learned from my parents and, therefore, I was never truly guided to be into financial abundance, no matter how much I try and how hard and smart I try at anything to make any sort of money. It would always be as a last resort failure and would end up quitting very early to be making anything for myself and for me, and how I would always do this bullshit a lot, and how i never knew why I was compromising myself and others, for my own self interest and limitation and Pure LACK. and how this angers me to realise this now to why I was stealing money from other people and even from the jobs I used to work at, and how I am wanting now to be in my business for myself, and if I hadn’t realised this now, I would be doing money laundering and how I would become to create and build at higher levels of business, I would end up stealing from others and laundering money being dishonest, that being dishonest in the bigger business world, would cause me to have many harsh striking lawsuits and that I was never going to be able to handle the intense back lashing in the public eye and private sectors of the world and its economic transfers of business. And even to my current foundation and programming, I would never be able to handle it,  therefore, I would easily break down and lose my mind and body and soul for something I am imagining of putting myself in such a situation to where bigger business would be. But my programming and current vocabulary is at such a limit, that I am not able to be at those levels, no matter how much I try to make anything work, I would easily destroy it for myself, therefore, my father if he ever built anything at all either, he would destroy it as well, same with my mother, as the fucking she is. And how she is NOT trustworthy either, and fully dishonest, like my father, just like myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a mother to not teach my son how to make any sort of money, but to be a slave just like me and be enslaved within his mind as well. As I am enslaved myself as well, within that, and how I never, as we never taught our son to do anything but be a slave to the system, as we have, and how no wonder he was stealing money and using my card to buy things of books, other toys and trinkets or whatever he was buying. And how it was taking a toll on my bank account and how no wonder our son does not have enough in his bank account to my own assumption. That I do not have the same either, no wonder I am blowing all of my money on bills and paying for stupid shit that I don’t even need and how I am not able to make any sort of money but to purchase things that I do not need, and end up having to return it back, at some point and time in my life. And even when I do not want to return it, I end up hoarding it in my room and all over the house. To the point where I can't even walk to go anywhere in my own home. And how nothing is available to use to make anything real and creative. No wonder my son is struggling to make money and make lots of it, and how I was one of the abusive advocates to destroy that with my husband as well, and to neglect that trait and ability for him, because none of us as parents even had the ability to make any sort of money, nor did we have the vocabulary, and the communication skills to be able to make the money we always dreamed and fantasized of wanting. But we never could, because our efforts and “mindset” and pre-programming was not able to let us do that, because our parents and then there's and then theirs and so on for 7 generations. To no one ever noticing why no one has ever had EVER, enough in their own reserves, no one has it, to my own assumption, and how it shows physically. That no one has enough for anything, no wonder our son was taking from us, even money and food, and candy and many other things. Furniture and all and a whole bunch of other shit, and even when we would come home from buying useless food and chemically laced food and other crap, that was not good nutritionally for our son, and not even good for ourselves, even though we “think” it is good, but it is not good. It is something we are so used to, that we LOVE destroying our fucking health and even our physical state due to our stupidity and the stupid choices that has set us back so much, and even for my son and how much of our insecurities has been imprinted and imposed upon him, for him to be held back and to have SO DAMN FUCKING MANY SET BACKS, “BEYOND BELIEF”, that he is not able to make anything true and real of value in his life. No wonder he does not have what he wants in his life, nor financially, nor emotionally. Even the relationship that is supposed to have to, within the financial abundance along the way. Nothing is at his disposal to use, everything is at a lack and at a limitation, no wonder he is not where he wants to be, due to us and what we have done to him, and how he is doing that to what we have done to ourselves and how we have done that to him, and how he is now doing the stupidity and abusiveness to HIMSELF. Therefore, he will NEVER, in my/our own assumption, that he will never make it out alive and financially and emotionally abundant. Because nothing is good in his life, due to my own life and my own reflection of my own life and how shitty it is, due to what I was dealt with, for the absolute, worst. And sooner or later, he will notice how he is so comfortable with not having enough money, and he will be broke for the rest of his life, if he doesn’t do anything to solve it. And how we were never able to help realise it, because we were too afraid to tell him, because we were too afraid to admit the atrocities that we have done to ourselves as well. And how we have fucked our lives up for the worst, no wonder nothing is going right in our lives, and even in our son’s life, as well. We have truly ruined our son’s life, and now that he is struggling, he will never be able to compete with us and nor of anyone else, either at all, whatsoever. And that we have made him to be this way and struggle and not have enough EVER, at all, and always be at a lacking and limitation, for the absolute, worst.

When and as I see myself attempting to steal another person’s hard earned money, no matter the amount, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself not learning the lesson in a millisecond attempt to making any sort of money and learning how to do so, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself ignoring the fact of reality and what I can do to make things better for myself and for my business, I stop and breathe, and actually come up with the ways of making things better for myself and for my business and with others for the better.

When and as I see myself in an attempt to steal money from my father, by either by cash or credit, or any card, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself in an attempt to steal money from my mother, either by cash or credit, or any card, for my own advantage and to make them as my parents and herself suffer, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself trying to take money from others by being competitively incoherent, and wanting to take advantage of others, so they can have nothing, and how I’ll have all the money, I stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself in an attempt to steal from others, I am truly stealing from myself, and how I do not realise that, and have yet to take it into consideration,  I stop and breathe.

I realise that for me to steal money from others, is like no one actually noticing, but it is I who has the relationship with the mind of me, who notices  and who is stealing from others, and how when and as I am stealing from others. I am in actuality, stealing from myself, not realising thatI am fucking with the relationship that I have with myself, that I’ve had within childhood, when I didn’t have enough money and stole from others stores and people, and stole some of their money. And the jobs I’ve worked. Each and every chance that  I’ve got to see that money was there to be taken and my integrity was always tested, but I ended up taking the money, because I knew deep down that I needed it, and would end up taking it anyway. And even the things that I say, would take away my opportunity to steal my own money away, and the benefit that another person would’ve and could’ve gotten, if I had the right words to say and live. And how this whole time, I have been living the living words of stealing money and having no opportunity to be teaching myself anything, but taking from others, and in reality, I am in actuality, taking from others just so I can have more than another. And how I am also stealing from myself, and witnessing myself do so, within the relationship that I have with myself, that is not so effective and efficient. And how I’ve noticed other people and even with my parents do not have the best relationship with themselves, nor do they have it with me either. And within that, it has caused me to not have an effective relationship that is intimate and great with myself, and has caused me to ruin many other relationships and fester and pester them off, by pestering me to decline each and everyone that is not within my circle anymore. That I “feel”, that  I shouldn’t help one another who isn’t worthy of my help. Because in fact, I wasn’t even worthy of my own help, because I couldn’t help myself, because no one ever helped me truly and effectively as a child and on coming to becoming an adult, as where I am today. And how my parents have never helped me to do anything, it was always other people, and how I would always isolate myself, when and as I wouldn’t realise that I needed the actual help, and when I did need the actual help, I would get it, but at times, I would never appreciate it, but when I do, I would appreciate in a double thinking contradicting way. And even that, when someone of some type of caliber that is much more effective than I as a person, to help me and encourage me, I would realise that, wow this person really cares about helping me, because in fact, I never truly got the help of anyone truly genuinely caring for me. And how I have come to realise that I am now doing that to myself, that my parents have done and festered and pestered me off to leave to my own vices to not help myself, as I would like to help another. To give as i would like to receive, to do unto others, as I would like to be done unto, and how I did not ever truly realise the principle and meaning of that, until the realisation of it right now. And now that I am an adult and taking a bit more responsibility on my own, I am realising that I do not have a great relationship with myself, nor with anyone, to be able to convince anyone to give me any sort of money and any substantial amount of money. And how I’ve always had this fear of doing that, because my parents would always complain that, “oh you’re always asking  me for money”, when the fuckers never realised that they are the greedy ones, and are always trying to ask for help, but never any of the help back in return. So no wonder, I wasn't taught to ever give to anyone as I would like to receive the help in return as well, not loving thyself, as I would love thy neighbor, not giving as I would like to receive from thyself, and even from others as well. And in realisation, I have no true idea of what it is like to give and help one another as I would like to receive, no wonder my life is the way it is, due to the wrong definition of what giving and helping truly is. When in fact and reality, I have been stealing from others, and that I have been especially stealing from myself, and that I am the real jackal that is stopping me from making any sort of substantial amounts of money. Same with communicating to persuade others to be able to give me money, pay me money for my product or service, or whatever it is that I am selling as, and even myself as a person for them to work with me, and how I am not able to convince anyone to be able to give me money. Because in fact, I am truly afraid that others might steal from me, so I’ll steal from myself, and say the wrong thing and blunder  out a mistake on accident, from my own ego, and not realise that  I have done so, in consequence for the worst.

I realise that I am a modern day living jackal, and was formed and turned into a jackal of my own, and taking from myself, and being so oblivious to life, and how I am only operating on my own. And not getting the help from anyone, just because I don’t think I deserve the actual help, because I never believed and have had any certainty at all whatsoever to be able to deserve and believe that I deserve to help myself, as I would like to help another and how another deserves the help. However, I have been deserving to steal from myself, as the modern day devious and deceptive jackal, that I am not trustworthy, and not honest to help myself in any way at all whatsoever. No wonder I do not have the best communications and relationships with others to be able to convince them to be able to work with me, because i never believed in convincing me, because I’ve always had some type of backlash, because I was truly not sincere about my expression and for what i was selling another on, that which I could not do, because I felt so inferior and superior in contradiction at the same time, to another, to think that I am superior to another, but in fact, I am in fact inferior, and have always seen myself that way, and how I had to unconsciously subconsciously, to become superior than another, for another to give me what I want. But in fact, reality does not work that way, but for what I had made  up in my mind to think that I am superior and not inferior, when in fact and reality, I was truly inferior, and in denial of what practicality was and what wasn’t. And how oblivious and truly deceptive I was to be believing and operating like that and how I have created that notion and perception on my own, not realising that I am stealing from myself and from others, with having the wrong definition and notion and perception of what it is to truly help one another, instead of stealing from one another, and especially, for me to be witnessing that I am Stealing from myself as I would steal from another. Just because  I did not have enough and was never taught to ever help one another to have enough, because my parents never had enough to be giving to me. Because in fact, they were always stingy with their money, no wonder they never helped, and how no wonder I do not have the money that I want in my life, because I was stingy with my money as well. So no wonder I was taking it from others. Stealing the opportunity to realise that I do not know anything, and didn’t even bother to realise that I have been stealing from myself, my whole life, ever since, my parents were so stingy with their money, and how I am within that in my own expression as a being and a person and individual. That I am truly not worthy of giving, but unworthy of even stealing from one another, as I would and am stealing from myself. How pathetic that is from myself, and how  i have never realised that I have been doing this for so long, and how it has affected each and every decision that I’ve ever made. Every reaction, and action made, consequence done, those that could not be undone, and how I couldn’t even forgive myself, at the time and to do it effectively to be free and to stop the consequence before it happened. But it would happen anyway, because I had the definition of not having enough and therefore sequentially, I would steal, from others, and even from myself, and for myself, to stopping the opportunities that I would have realised and could’ve had for myself. But too bad, I couldn’t at the time, until right now.

I commit myself to redefining what it is truly and become as the expression as me as the flesh to truly give as I would like to receive, to myself, and to others and with others. And understand what and how and why to do so, because it shows the sincerity of me and how I can help others, as i would like to help myself, in true 100% delivering and giving from and to myself, as I would do so for another with the utmost actual sincerity that is best for another another, as it will be best for me as well. For what’s best for all. Understanding that giving to people to what others need to hear respectively and to do so carefully, as I would like it for me to have the same as well, and giving myself the opportunity and understanding and questioning why and how i could be doing better to giving much more better and effectively to another, as I would like to be giving to myself in the best ways possible that is best and that is better for me, as it would and will be better for another as well. Within that, for as I see myself as life and life redefining words of giving, as I would like to receive, as to myself and from myself and to one another as i would do unto myself in redefining and living words as giving as I would like to receive in the best ways possible, as life, within directive principle as LIFE!

I commit myself to understand what it is like to serve and give to humanity, with patience and  persistence and patience perseverance, and to always improve how I give to myself, as I would like to receive and be done unto me as well. That for which in the best ways possible, and I commit myself to show that when and as an abuser stops by to see what they can take from me to give to another, I will immediately deny the abuser and turn them the other way and go somewhere else. And to not allow any sort of abuser who wants to be taken from me, or anyone, and how that is not best for me, nor for the person as themselves and who they are and what relationship that he/she has with themselves, to be taking to give to one another. And if one another wants to give genuinely, and the the person trying to help them, is not helping me to give to another and realise that, then i will stop and breathe and realise who the true real abuser is, and deny that person immediately, and help one another in the best ways and unison cooperation possible for what’s best for all! For as I see myself as redefining living words to adapt and improve to, and improve and adapt as self directive principle as becoming an effective leader and self leader, as living expression and resonance.

I commit myself to help my kids understand how and what it is and why it is like to truly give as we would like to truly receive, in the best ways possible that’s best for all humanity, and to show that abuse is not the answer, but giving and providing to my kids in the best ways possible with the right definition and proper care and affection to them and with them as I would like for them to receive, as I am giving to them. And teaching them how to properly give and and understand what it is like to give and know how to do so, as they are growing up to be older and older, they will become effective and supported 100% of the way, and to truly make their lives effective and the best abundant lives possible, to and with others for the better. And to help my wife realise this and how we will do what is best, not out of responsibility and obligation, but to do it out of giving as we would like to receive and to do it with responsibility with the right definition of doing so, that is best for one another to benefit, in the best ways possible, that shows true love as giving as we would like to receive, with care and affection and leadership for one another, as for our kids and for what we do in our respective professions as businessman and businesswoman, as Entrepreneurs, to do what is best for all, within the right and proper effective definition of what’s best for all!, for as I see myself as life and life living words of the true giving and understanding what true giving is, as my expression and resonance for who I am as a leader and self leader within directive principle for what’s best for all life as I, as one, as equal, as equality and oneness!

I commit myself to ultimately give to myself as I am giving to and expressing to and into my reality and with others, an understanding of how to persuade others to give/pay me money for what I am doing in my business and truly believe with the utmost certainty for what’s best for all. And to help others with the true sincerity and expression as I, as me, as one as an absolute individual as me, to give and master my creation and expression with others as equal and one as another. That no one is superior, nor inferior, it is only who they are in difference as expression, should be considered to help for, and realised with patience and help of persuasion in what I am doing that is best for the environment and and for what the world needs for a cleaner and educated environment. Within cleaner energy to be provided, and what, how, and when and where and who, why should be given to and benefited. And how society will benefit from this, and who is  able to benefit from what I am persuading and giving to one another to making it compelling and sincere from my expression as me as who I am as an absolute individual to and with one another, within the genuine redefined expression for what’s best for all with the utmost sincerity to help one another, and to say what is needed and necessary for what’s best for all in the best ways possible, respectfully and effectively, for what’s best for all! For as I see myself as life and living words as giving and persuading others at any level and developing levels to substantial amounts of money dealing in business as a self leader and leader to others, as self directive principle for what’s best for all!

I commit myself to strictly give to myself, no matter how I feel and to do it with and out of Principle for what’s best for my life and for what’s best for all, with patience and persistence, with patience and perseverance, no matter what I am doing and where I am. And to do so effectively for the better. For as I see myself as life and living words as giving as I would like to receive to and for myself and with others, and cooperating with others within the group to do business and to develop to higher calibers and substantial levels of money in business and in life for the better. For as I see myself as life and living words,  as giving as I would like to receive in the best ways possible, that’s best for all, and for me, as a self directive principle, as a developing leader and self leader for the better.

I commit myself to write self forgiveness to forgive myself of what is not best within me and for me as my expression, whether it be subconsciously, unconsciously and to realise that and become free from what is holding me back from that is not best for what I am doing to myself and for my reality and my relationship with me and with others and physical reality itself. And to stop and breathe, when and as a reaction would come up, and take self directive principle as the breathe and focus on breath, and to take care of what is here in reality, with no judgement, but knowing what to do, as Neo, as my own expression and developing expression for what’s best for all life for the better. Within that, I commit myself to write self commitment and self corrective application to live and use the tools of TechnoTutor, self forgiveness and self corrective application within writing and changing myself resonantly and becoming truly effective in how I express and Live myself as my being and expression to give and do what’s best for all, delivering 100% and giving 100% of and to and from myself as one, as equal, as equality and oneness and oneness equality for what’s best for all life. Within that, to cooperate with groups of people who are doing what’s best and wants what’s best for the environment as energy and education, and other ways of making money to become truly effective in this reality and life to create a world where each and every person deserves a true effective reality and abundant reality with wealth and prosperity for the better. For as I see myself as life and life living words of giving as I would like to receive, in genuine, and sincere expression as who I am as me as my being and expression resonantly, with soundness of purpose and soundness of expression and being and giving as me, as who i am as the individual within the physical as expression for what’s best for all life as living redefining words as  a leader and self leader, as self directive principle to do what is best for all LIFE!!