Day 25: Wishing Ill Intent?, why would anyone want to do that?!

 

 Ill intent?(read aloud and breathe)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that even in the past I have been wishing ill with my own intent that wasn’t best for others. When in reality, If I wish ill intent and bad intent upon one another, then if I met myself as person to person as equal and one, I would’ve done the same thing. Because in reality and fact, I am in actuality saying the same thing to myself without even realising that I have done and wished ill intent upon myself as i if haven’t gotten a clue of what it is to be truly be nice to someone and not react so awfully and in an ill intent like manner. And how no one has ever gotten to tell me to stop doing so, when I only held it onto it as a secret personality of my own secret mind, and how I think that no one should know in dishonesty, when I have been dishonest with myself this whole time instead of being honest with myself and forgiving myself of it. When I did not realise that I learned this ill intent from my parents, even guests were over, they wished them ill and said awful things that I was not aware of, but I knew what they were saying by their tone and intention and easily read it. Not knowing that I would be the one doing the same thing much later in my life, whenever a situation would so happen to pop up in my life, as I was going to the grocery store, not realising that when I went to go exchange something from the fridge that had gluten in it, I came back. And offered the person to move up, just because this person thought I got out of line and didn’t want to come back and the person was wishing me ill intent, even before and after I was looking to exchange something just because I didn’t want that particular ingredient in the sandwich. So as I came back and offered the person to move up, this person proceeded to not move up and wanted to say something that was of ill intent to me as if i haven’t a clue of what he was trying to do to me. When in reality, he was losing his self trust as well and principle of life, saying to me, ‘I see what you’re doing’, I could’ve said, ‘yeah you should do it too’ because I didn’t have a mask on in the grocery store. As he moved up, he kept saying to me, ‘why are you talking to me?’ I said I can talk to anyone i if i want, as if he was trying to imply that I can’t talk to anyone just because majority of the population in the U.S. and all over the world has masks on and how he isn’t realising that he’s trying to protect his own self interest from me and for himself only. And threatened to fight me with ill intent and wanted to threaten me, even when I asked him simple questions, and when the situation warranted more and more from him, I had to raise my voice in demanding a simple common sense answer from the person, as if he couldn’t even answer the question of why and how virus’s work. He immediately denied me and himself to not answer the question and continued to bluff himself out of the situation as security came over and immediately went on a flank to support someone else, thinking they would come after me. When in reality, it was only a quantum trembling occurrence of energy within me and made me shake a bit, but I never did anything else for that matter to be in a feeling of trouble. I felt confident the whole time, I just didn’t realise people wanted to protect their own self interest and to speak up, just because they're wearing a mask and how no one should be talking to each other just because we don’t want to spread the disease. When no one has it, it’s just an assumption to what we all think that we do have, but in reality, we do not have any particular virus, unless it is our environment, our mindset and nutrition. And that is it, nothing else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a parent as mother and father to wish my child and other people ill intent as if others never deserved a life of living. And how I am just only conjuring anger and energy within myself not realising that I am participating in energy to think that I am more worthy of another person to wish someone death and illness of my false intentions that aren’t even me. When in fact I have only accepted and allowed myself to become this way, when in fact, I have become a living lie to think that ill intent is the proper way to make another person feel bad. When in actuality, I am making myself feel bad as well, for wishing ill intent upon another person as if I am in front of them or not. And how my secret mind has a backdoor for me every time and how I feel that I can not stop this until right now, stopping the ill intent, because it is not what’s best for all. And how I am just trying to prove a point of how big I am to be much more lively and deserve a life more than another person and another person deserves to die and how that is just ludicrous, why would anyone want to wish death upon anyone?, it’s like saying something just because you want to protect your own self interest and have everything you want. Not knowing when your or my ego will strike us one day and soon we will go tumbling to the ground with everything we ever had, because it was never ours in the first place, we only put value on it. Because of the system and what we believed to live up until now. And how I never questioned my starting point of ill intention and how I wished it upon others and for myself as well, as if I was talking to another person. And how this is not making any sense to people and how we never thought it would come back and bite me with my own ill intentions to think that we and I myself haven’t thought of our starting point of ill intention and where it even came from. We only accepted and allowed it to be us, we never questioned anything, we only just went with it, because we were suppressing our hidden rage that isn’t even us as a person, but it is us as the flesh for the worst. When we didn’t even realise that our child would be doing the same thing as well, not realising that our actions would result in an imprint for someone else to do it as well, just because we were not realising that how naive we were. To not think that our actions and mannerisms and secret mind exposures of expression would be expressed upon our child to be doing the same thing, no matter what happens in our child’s life, whenever the person would grow up to see when situations and occurrences and events and circumstances to happen with people as well to make the ill intent come up and be ever so threatening and causing havoc and war within the mind. As it has caused war and havoc within my mind and how it has affected me and my body and others, and how I interact with others, made it much more worse, than just being simply nice and cordial. Instead it was rough and uneasy for me in reaction. I just didn’t realise that I had low self esteem as a parent, and how my child would soon come to have low self esteem like me and have my own ill intentions and actions as well. And how that came to be for my child to act this way to me one day, not realising that my actions and imprints and anger and insecurities and spitefulness would be imprinted upon my own child to be done the same to me. Even when it came to others as well, not realising that my ill intention would hurt another as well, and how others will react to me in a negative way, how I am not realising how I never did consider another as an one and equal, because I never saw it that way. I was only set in my own ways, and thought this is who I will be, and who I will become for the worst, and never change for anything or anyone, not even for myself, and how dishonest i was with myself and with others as well. How being in the mind will never solve my problems, if I knew how to forgive myself of my own ill intention in writing, it was just never that way for me for the better, it was always for the worst and how others do not deserve to be nice to and how others do not deserve to be handled in a kindly manner, that no one deserves anything. When in reality and fact, If no one deserves anything, that means i don’t either, and have wished all those things upon me as well, from my voice and intention as a personality, that is nothing but a fake possessed demon for me to become and be this way. That it is not me, I only wanted to be this way, so I could take revenge upon others even if they didn’t comply with me, i had to stand my ground and be rude and ugly about it, no matter how hard I tried, nothing ever worked in my favor, it only worked against me. Because that and it was the only way I ever knew how, and it was my expression for the worst, nothing ever changed, because I thought that my way was the only way even if others didn’t like it. I only told them, if you don’t like it, then get out, I never asked a question to why someone doesn’t like anything, and how I am expressing myself, because I was blinded by anger, and let it become me and possess over me. As if it was me, when it is just a character mechanism that I’ve only accepted and allowed as truth and reality, when in fact, it was the wrong way to go about anything and with anything at all whatsoever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a person to wish ill intent upon another, when this particular person came back in line to purchase a sandwich. And how did I proceed to threaten him and say why are you talking to me?What are you talking to me for?, and how I see what you're doing. And how I am just trying to say also to him, good luck, if you think you’re gonna make it. And how I didn’t know I was wishing ill intention and threaten upon him for death, as if he was going to die from a virus and be sick, I only wanted him to die iin my own self dishonesty as honest as contradiction. And how for me to do that upon another, is me doing the same to me, and to others as well who try to disobey policies and laws, as if I would be doing the same thing and not realising even when he asked me how virus’s work, I completely denied myself and the other person to answer his question. Because I wanted to fight him for my own assumptions just because I didn’t know what he was trying to say, even and although he was asking me simple common sense questions that I couldn’t even answer. Because I didn’t know, that was why, I had to react negatively and wanted to protect my self interest and confide loudly to another person as the cashier to think that I need to confide to someone else and not confront the situation for myself. And calling someone else chicken shit, and a pussy and a coward, when in fact, when I call someone those things, I am in actuality calling myself those things as well. Not realizing that my voice and intention is also to myself as well. How I will be so quick to deny that it is not me saying it to me, it’s saying to another person only, when in fact, I am actually lying to myself and lying to another if I were to admit that. Because I couldn’t admit my own lies and assumptions just because someone isn’t wearing a mask and wants to breathe and live. I only wanted to wish ill intent upon another person and threaten this person that offered me to walk up a bit, just because he walked out of line for a bit to exchange something and how I just stood there on the yellow circle to keep distance from other people. And when we were about to leave, I kept bluffing and huffing my breath as if I was confident and wanted to hurt him right there. When I didn’t realise, he would hurt me more than I would have thought as well, not realising that if I fight this person, I will not mostly even make it out alive, if I were just to threaten someone to protect myself interest for me and myself only. And as I walked back to my vehicle I was cowering away from him, and as he came out and stood there standing waiting for me, I proceeded to walk into my vehicle like a coward and didn’t come out to make my intention to fight another. Just because I only wanted to protect my own self interest for myself. As he waited there for me, and he knew that I wouldn’t come back out, because if I did, I wouldn’t survive and be very hurt. Because I knew deep down, I would be unqualified to fight him, because I know I can’t fight, I only threatened him because he didn’t have a mask on to be protected and shut up just like me and not say anything and question anything as he would. Even when he waved to me to come over and fight him, I was too scared and went back into my vehicle in anger, didn’t even want to make my word so. Because I thought he was scared, when in reality, he was not, he was ready, and in fact, I was not ready myself, I was only afraid and wanted to protect my own interest and distance from people. Just because I wanted others to be like me and be a brainwashed coward like everyone was and is right now. Because I know no one questions anything, like I wouldn’t either. And how it is only my own assumption and conjuring of energy within me just to think that I have the upper hand just because this gentleman just much younger me and stupid. When it was only my own assumption and lies, I thought Ii was tougher intellectually, and physically and emotionally, when in fact, I was not, I was only being a coward and probably wanted to bring a weapon into the fight walking back to my vehicle. I was truly scared and didn’t know what to do, but to leave and be a coward and want others to be a brainwashed coward just like me, nothing else at all whatsoever. Nothing for anyone, nothing for me either, I only wished afterward, for him to if he approaches ever again, I will hurt him and make his life worse, when in fact, I am only making myself and my body and intent, much worse. And talking in the background of myself as if he was here. When in fact, I am not, I only abdicating to protect and disavow and deny that he is not here, and feel and think that he is here, but it is only my backchat and conversations in my head as me, and using his voice as me and my voice as him and me. When in fact, it is not me, I am only using it as an excuse to take revenge upon myself, not realising that I would do the same thing to others. And how my kids someday or if I have kids already, and how they will see if I do the same thing, they will end up doing the same thing as well. And that memory, action and intense emotion would be imprinted upon them and imposed upon them, not realising that I would be the one to hurt others without hurting others as my own.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a friend of Chris as we were in elementary school, as we were staring back at each other in ill intent and the ugly looks on our faces. As we were doing, he was intensely angry at me, and how he was clenching his teeth wanting to punch me and hurt me, although I knew he wouldn't do it. Just because I was a girl, and how I was as a girl, was very intensely mad at him as well, for that we didn’t know what we were being angry at and only made things worse, as he kept staring back and forth every few moments and then. And how I felt the anger and the energy that I was making up and conjuring within myself to make him feel any different, therefore, I never expressed it, because unconsciously and subconsciously, I knew that it was not worth it to do, and if I did, we both would’ve gotten in trouble. And the ramifications and the consequences of the negativity would be as a result because we never knew how to express ourselves. We only did it through anger and unexplained anger and energy that wasn’t and isn’t even real, our minds and bodies were just making assumptions and how we so happen to not know how to express ourselves. Because we never knew any better and only made things worse, and never even bothered to talk about it, because we couldn’t speak the english language that well and effectively at a young age. I mean of course, we were just kids and how the education for us was pretty much out of line and how we only got the best we could and never did anything about it, and never could voice it. Because we never understood ourselves, and how our parents would never understand either, even if we did voice it ourselves and explain it to them. We would only be denied and not taken into consideration and told to stay in school and if the expression ever furthered, it would result in a confusion for the worst, and how that person would never understand me either in my own assumption. And how I would feel ever so self conscious about it, and how I never expressed myself of what I wanted, because if I did, no one would listen to me, just because I am a little child, and an adolescent as I was. Just no one would listen to me, and how I was so lonely as a child, no one ever came to talk with me, it was only me and me only. That was it, even if I was with my friends, i only ever felt alone, even if I was with them having a great time gossiping and talking about others and doing things together. And somehow, I was just left out and was never considered as another one and equal like me and all of us together, no one cared, and nor did I, because I wasn’t able to think for myself, I only had others think for me and imprint me and impose upon me t accept and allow what they think as truth. When in fact, it was all lies, nothing ever true, it was just based on assumptions, no one ever appreciated anyone, nor did I appreciate myself, i was only a child, and was sent to public school and that was it. I never had it any better for myself, and no one wanted better for me, they only wanted me around because I was just a kid and to be taken care off and that was it. Nothing more, nothing less, just enough to get by, nothing ever conjured for the better for me, it was always in lack and limitation. I wasn’t even being real with myself, I was only being another character and personality, that was fake, I didn’t know if I was real or not, it was only in staring and seeing him staring back and forth at me and some other place on his desk as if we weren’t even allowed to talk with each other. Because the teacher never knew what we were doing, they only all the students and us, sit in rows and face forward and not talk to anyone. So within that, we did talk sometimes, but ever since then, we departed and only saw each other every now and then once in a while, and that was about it really. So yeah.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look back and forth to realise what i was even angry about and was wishing energy and ill intent by emotion and didn’t even know how to express myself effectively. When in  fact, I was only expressing myself in assumption and lies, as if i didn’t know how to express and voice my own words to my friend ad how she didn’t realise what I was even thinking, and how I thought she was so afraid to even ask me a question of what was wrong with me or if I was okay, and if I did answer. I would’ve probably snapped back at her in an angry way, and how I didn’t even know why I was even angry. I just only wanted to be with her, because I liked her, but in reality I didn’t know truly deep down that I would’ve been overprotective and strict with her and even strict with myself. Just because my parents were strict as well, and very overprotective of me, especially my father, I just never knew how things would come up within me to occur and how I am to be this way and act this way. Without even knowing why, because I wasn’t even aware of myself to know what I was even thinking even that time as it occurred many many many many years ago. I was just angry at her, because she did something and I so happen to become angry at her just because she never mentioned her mistake, so I never mentioned it either, so things were never surfaced and changed for the better, so I just went about my day in assumption and ever so since as things ever got worse in assumption and ill intention for the worst. Because it was never expressed effectively in words and human being expressed as myself and herself either, I just never knew, so I only did what I knew how, and never knew anymore. Even when we both sat in the classroom all face forward and couldn’t talk with anyone, just because of how the desk were faced in our own assumptions and if the teacher were to say anything, we would immediately comply and not question why we were even in school, and why our parents put is in here, and accepted and allowed it to be so. To get an education from people who don’t know what it's like to teach children and help them become very much expressive within themselves, instead of being so limited to the way how the school district was being orchestrated and organized and guided as the teachers went along with it and never said about it, nor questioned it.  Nor did the teacher question anything to us, because the teacher knew that if he/she did, he/she wouldn’t know if we could process the information that was being said at all whatsoever. So he/she only kept proceeding to teach the system and curriculum as it is and was, so nothing ever since ever changed for the better at all whatsoever. The teacher knew deep down, that we will never change, no matter how hard we try, our programming will always be the same, no matter who we’re with and talking with and being educated from. It will morph and become into different ways and degrees and levels, whether in jail, fighting, or even on the streets for that matter. And so yeah that was it, nothing more, nothing less, and how ill intent this whole time, was just an assumption and never expressed, because we both never knew how to do so at all whatsoever, nor did we have the vocabulary to do so, even our parents never had it either. They only knew the best they could and that was basically it, it felt as if we were trapped in that room all day long, 8 hours a day, not going anywhere, until we got on our prison bus, I mean bus to go home. And never questioned why we were even going to school in the first place. And being taught by unqualified people to prepare the child as us, to be self sufficient in life, when in reality, we were only being taught to be slaves just like everyone we ever saw and knew and talked to were going to be slaves as well, just like we were. And how nothing was ever to be questioned, because we never had the inclination to even see what was obvious, when in fact we were blind to the fact and obvious this whole entire time.

When and as i see myself having ill intent and assumptions that aren’t even real and don’t question them, I stop and breathe slowly, and redirect and question why that even is, and be here as breath and let go.

When and as i see myself wanting to have to threaten another with my own ill intent in person or in my own backchat, I stop and breathe slowly, and stop and be here and stop the thought as it is and investigate for myself in self forgiveness.

When and as I see myself not wanting to stop with ill intent in my head and with others, I stop and breathe slowly and stop even before the thought comes up to be expressed, because I know it is not real, it is just energy to be valued after that isn’t real at all whatsoever.

I realise that wishing ill intent and assumptions upon one another is just trying to protect our own self interest and disregard everyone as if no one else mattered, when in fact, we only thought we never mattered, because we didn’t matter to ourselves at all whatsoever.

I realise that trying to wish intent upon another, is actuality, wishing ill intent upon ourselves, and how if we were to say an awful thing to another, we would definitely do that to ourselves and soon and eventually. To others as well, when and if a situation were ever to come up within with our lives, wherever we go, a grocery store, restaurant, relationship, business or not, anything can happen for that trigger to come up as an assumption and wrongful like intention that wasn’t even questioned to be there in the first place. We only let it happen, because we wanted to react and protect our own self interest about it and disregard others as if they didn't have a life like we do. And how no one deserves to have a high life and life of actual true living for the better.

I realise that wishing ill intent upon others was all coming from childhood, when our parents made things a little worse for us, when we did something that wasn’t in the person’s best interest and they so happen to react to us and not realise that their explosive anger. And insecurities, reactions, and secrets from their secret mind, would be imposed and imprinted upon me and others later in life, not knowing how much of a big effect that would be on the child’s life, especially my life and for others as well. When we would and do interact with others not realising where the ill intent ever even came from at all whatsoever, even when others would ask, what has gotten into you?, not knowing when it even came from at all whatsoever in concern and potential underlying trembling anger ready to surface out of nowhere. And being struck by it and trembling in fidgeting ways wasn't best for me, nor for the parent and anyone else at all whatsoever.

I realise that people who try to wish ill intent on threat upon others as I have done in the past and did not know I still had, have low self esteem. Because it is all in reaction, and if we were to ever be there any longer, it would’ve our downfall, if it were not investigated up until this very moment and time of writing and speaking aloud as I am doing right now.

I commit myself to give good intentions to people that people deserve to live and have a life, because everyone is an equal and one participant in reality to be here and they are of value. As i know and understand now that everyone deserves to have a life of living to be here and truly live their lives for the better and have better things to enjoy with family, business, any line of work, and life’s work, anything that anyone wants to do. And of course if they would like to question their starting point of anything that they do or haven’t realised it before, then they should consider it, if not that’s fine. No one needs to be forced into anything, they’ll just have to understand that their choices are a consequence of either good or bad, people have a right to their own choice. Just however, if it is best for them to do so, if not, it should be questioned by them or anyone, to help one another, although many may believe, it’s not politically correct to do so, doesn’t matter. If the person doesn’t want the help, then that’s fine, it’s better to be nice about something and anything no matter what, and if the situation were to ever warrant, then yeah, if they were to disregard anyone at all, and not consider as one and equal, then I will challenge them respectfully and with dignity. As everyone deserves to have respect and dignity as an individual and for all for the better. For as I see myself as life and life awareness reality participant resonance to improve and adapt for the better.

I commit myself to teach my kids and help my wife that everyone deserves to have a life, money, basics needs to be met, and to have good intentions with everyone and for everyone and for themselves as well. And how life is always in abundance, while love and light and hope and hate, is in short supply. And to understand that life is always abundant, that we are here to live a better life of stability and emotional stability for the better, along with financial stability, so we can able to provide for them and help them become self sufficient and realise what true education is like for their life and what they want to do for their lives as we guide them in the right direction and the best direction for their growth. So they are able to think for themselves and be able to discern information if it to be true or not, and how it can be used for good for the better. For as I see myself as life and life awareness resonance to improve and adapt for the better!

I commit myself to help my directors, senior partners, employees, salespersons, to have good intentions of others and to truly help everyone have self honesty, and do self forgiveness and self commitments as well, to become to rebirth here as life. That we are nowhere else but here, and to treat our competitors and clients and other people for good and treat them as one and equal just like us and realise that step by step and breath by breath of the way for the better. To improve and to truly adapt for the better. For as I see myself as life and life awareness resonance reality to improve and adapt for the better for our super super super super success!

I commit myself to write self forgiveness to forgive myself of what is not the best within me, and realise what is of assumption or not, and realise that through self realisation statements. And breathing statements to stop and breathe slowly to be here as breath and stop the reaction if it were to ever come up again. Which it will never will at times, rarely, and realisation of what I have reacted to and had reacted to that wasn’t and isn’t in my best interest at all. And within that, I commit myself to write self commitment statements to re-correct myself into what is best for me and how I conduct and interact with others and myself as well for the better. And to use the tools of TechnoTutor, self forgiveness, Desteni I Process, and creations to journey to life and heaven’s life to blogs and the support group to become life and equality and oneness as we were supposed to be in the first place. And now that we are recognizing this more and more, we are becoming better and for the better. For as I see myself as life and life awareness resonance to improve and adapt for the better within reality to live the living change as life!