Day 39: Can I have a Card?, NO YOU CAN NOT!

 

 Can I have a card?(Read Aloud and Breathe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when a person is asking me for a card, they are asking me to get the hell out of my face, and give me something that I can have so I can research you. And your friends, and if you’re not worthy, then you’re not worthy. In my own assumption is to what they’re doing, which I’ll give it to them anyway, it’s just me over explaining and not getting to the actual point of reverence and possibility of what is the point of what I am doing. And how I am literally over explaining myself, as if I don’t even know what I am talking about. Even when I over expand and someone asks me a question of what is the point of this, and they still don’t understand, because I am mixing and hazarding my words, upon an before one another, when they either should have be portrayed like that, and or shouldn’t been switched around and said in a different way of tonality. When in fact, my parents didn’t know what they were doing and how they mixed up their words with me and how I never could understand what they were saying, so I would always mix up my words, and never make sense of them in a practical sequence of understanding. Instead they were portrayed and expressed and presented in a way of misunderstanding and delusion and illusion, as if I already knew what the hell they were talking about in the first place. When no one I knew, and even the people who ‘taught’ me, who really didn’t know anything useful, they only taught me things that were destined to be incapable and infallible and mistakenly stupid, for it’s actual and true meaning, when in fact I don’t know what I am doing, when I am trying to over explain and make sense of myself, when i am trying to speak. But even that, when I do speak too fast, the person and even myself, do not understand what just happened, it only happens so fast in quantum time that I’ve always done this, just because I wanted to get my message across, quickly and thrifty in a sense that the person will quickly agree with me. As if I am not even aware that I am trying to defy disagreement for agreement towards someone else's response and to accept what I say and how I say it, in a very speedy like racist way, like speedy Gonzales. As if I want to get my message across, and make it all difficult and not understanding and simple, just because I am doing it this way, doesn’t mean that I will ever make it big into doing what I want for my life. And how I have been noticing that people usually turn me down pretty quickly, due to me not articulating myself and persuading it and presenting it in the best ways possible, just because I want to quickly get my message across. And somehow end up saying it, in the wrong way, as if I knew what It is that i am talking about. When in fact, I do not know what I am talking about, no matter how many people I am talking to and expecting to talk to, and somehow, I stop myself and not go forward with it. Because I am afraid of what I might say and how another person will react to me and see the way I am and how I am not literally making what I am doing fun, I am making it work. And it feels like work, and it doesn’t feel comfortable, because it’s as if I’ve never done this before, because I never have. Within that, I’ve had this weird trouble of making myself and spewing out atrocious bullshit to make it true, when in fact, I am only getting it across, just because I am nervous, and how subtle and what and how it is that I am clearly defying understanding for misunderstanding. As if I wanted the other person to quickly get out of my face, even when I had a grocery job, at some type of club grocery store, I would always speak a little too fast and how others would never understand me. Even when I would encounter a customer and somehow, I would speak pretty fast, and now my message was tarnished and the actual visit was tarnished and sooner or later, my job was finished. Due to my own attitude and how rude and ugly I was being to myself and to another person and the actual consequences of me being let go and welcomed back and banned from ever working there. I would never want to work there ever again due to my attitude and behavior. I mean, I’m literally changed now, like a lot of change. But for some reason and why I have not changed truly, due to me complicating myself and contemplating as if I need to be handed a card and was confused as to why I was handed one from someone who thought I was doing something bad and now getting into trouble. When this whole thing came from school and how i got written up, with no understanding, was misunderstood, when I was in the 2nd grade, and got written up, and was so confused of why my cousins laughed of why i was talking with another friend in the bathroom and was told not to talk. And how no one ever explained to me, why - in - the - fuck and what just happened. As if my cousins at the table during dinner, laughed at me, why I was shivering scared, all nervous and not knowing what to say and do, and had to explain myself, way over the top and way too quick and not know what it is that I wanted. Even when I did know what I wanted, I just didn’t have the words for it. It was so unexplainable to me, even when a person would ask me something and I had to stutter and trample all over my words and not know what to say. Before the person of anyone would ever shut me down and how this would affect me and my whole life thereon, not knowing why, I was being shut down so quick and cleverly by someone who doesn’t have their best interest in me, nor their kids. And how they are treated, no matter if they think to themselves that they are a perfect parent, when in fact and reality, they are not. They are nothing but a loser, and defiant parent and person to someone who has made a simple mistake, and was only wanting to have fun and be with others, instead of being imprisoned with others and not getting the chance to talk. As if talking was banned for some sort of ulterior motive type of reason that never made sense at all, ever since it’s encounter and inception.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a teacher to not realise that when I was taking the class to the bathroom and told everyone to not talk, and you’re not allowed to talk. But this one boy, who was talking and doing it anyway, as if he was defying my own rules, when in fact, it wasn’t, nor was it the school's rule either. I only made it up, so I could be of defiance to someone else, as if they didn't matter either. And how when this little boy was talking in the bathroom when he was told not to, but in fact, he never understood, never did he ever know why and what happened to him getting written up and not knowing what to do and was shivering and was nervous. As if his world was ending due to me and my own mis-understanding and the little boys’ misunderstanding and how he never knew what was going on, but I only did it, because i didn’t want to get fired, so I had to do something that was a little extreme and stupid, just because it was my first day, and how i never knew what it was like to actually teach. I never knew anything, it was my first year, so I had to write up someone in fear, that I was never seen as one and equal, I only and always have seen other children and people as inferior, no matter what age of adult or child, no matter who it was. I didn’t care, I only made the decision, because I thought it was right, but instead I was actually truly clueless fo what I was doing and made it stupid and actually worse than it actually was. When I didn’t even know what I was doing. And when I wrote him up and gave it to the principal’s office, and also a copy to the little boy and to give to his so-called ‘parents’ or as his cousins as his guardian to be. Not knowing what if there was an actual reason for him being written up for just talking with others and being with others, when he was just wanting to start a conversation. And how I made that little assumption within him, to make him feel as if he also made his own assumption to what was going on and why that ever was, for his first day of school. Later, all the kids went home, and so did the boy, taking his red slip home, and how it was defined as an over the top and oven explanation that didn't make any sense at all whatsoever. Some teachers like myself, who didn’t know what she was doing. I was only ever there for a paycheck and to ruin everyone’s self esteem and to make everyone a robot, just like me, no different, in reaction, in negative reaction, in confusion, in misunderstanding. And all the above to nowhere of actual understanding of what was actually going on. Just because I wanted everyone to face forward and look forward and don’t talk to anyone and never talk to anyone, just because we’re in the bathroom together, and doing our business. When in fact, as if they couldn’t even talk to each other, they could, i only made it up, because it was an actual lie, and how i learned it from thee teacher’s meeting and other ways and rules due to my assumption to was and is supposed to happen and should be done. For others to not talk to each other, and/or do anything together, it was only the time when everyone got to play, not ever knowing that I later got fired for my mistake.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise as our cousin and how we laughed at what the mistake was, and how we laughed and told our cousin that this teacher doesn’t know what she’s doing and how she made a huge funny mistake. And even also the mistake was, for us laughing and never explaining why, what just happened. And how your cousin, never knew what was happened, because we never could explain to him, of why what a teacher has done, just because he was talking in the bathroom as he gave us the red slip of what the copy was and how he was written up for some weird odd mistake of his first day of school, not realising what kind of teacher would ever do a nonsense thing, that never made any sense. And how it was also our misunderstanding for not giving any sort of context, but only gave confusion, just because it was funny, and how our cousin was only wanting to express himself and talk to everyone. Because we knew that it didn’t matter who he talked to, as long as he had fun, that’s it all mattered. But for us to not give any sort of context and just laughed, as if he understood and was confused they were laughing at him, but that was not the case, we were laughing at the piece of paper, that made no sense at all whatsoever. We only made fun of that, but we didn’t know how to explain it to our cousin, while he was living with us, and being with us for and in the meantime as he is here, not knowing when he will actually leave. Sooner or later, he did, leave another two years later or so, as if he was making some type of excuse that we were not taking care of him, when in fact and reality, he was only confused and didn’t know what to do with his life. Nor did we, because we never could teach it to him , I had a business, my wife worked as a nurse, and my kids, going to the same school as my cousin. So  I suppose things got more ever worse, as no one knew why of anything and any context, and it was all mere confusion and over the top of misunderstanding and miscalculated words and how they were interpreted for what they are and were. Because no one knew what they were talking about, and how it all suddenly came to a crash of no one ever being expressive to themselves or anyone, as if a simple thing was to be easily shut down for having ‘fun’. And how it was all for some weird odd reason, made to be confused just because, it was a little thing to not be made of mistake for little anger, and nothing more, and how I did it as a mom to my cousin, as if he never knew why I was being angered to something so little. Even when we did go to church, and be with everyone, it was never the sense of even having fun, but little snobby anger, of quick snapping back at such a little response of having just fun and that’s it. As if I was defying his own fun and nature, just because I couldn’t have fun myself, and only made him think that fun, that should be ‘work’ and dreaded ‘work’ and if he never had fun. I would always be the one making it worse for him and making him believe it, in pure misunderstanding and pure assumption, and how he will never be understood for me, nor for himself, or anyone. And how no one will ever know why someone did such a thing. Even if it was just subtle and was for the way it has been for so long. Nothing ever explained, no context, just confusion, just misunderstanding, just mere anger for someone who is not supposed to be having fun, instead to be easily shut down and made to be quiet by mere confusion and no context. Because in fact and reality, we never had context, nor will we ever will, will we?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confuse my own words, just because I never knew what it was like to be given actual real context of something, when my whole life revolves around confusion and made each and every mistake AROUND confusion and misunderstanding. And pure snapping back at someone just as if they didn’t understand me clearly, just because I never could articulate myself in the best ways possible to the standing and starting point of confusion. That never got off to the right starting point and line that was already there, but was never ever gone into the right direction of pure practicality and common sense of full understanding of what something is, what it means, how it is to be portrayed and presented. And in fact, it was never that way, ever since, it affected each and every decision, each and every way of talking to another, how I got rejected and dejected so much of whatever I wanted to do, it’s like I had to do work 6-10 times as hard to get my message across. And clearly, nothing was ever brought across clearly, it was always somehow brought into attention for misunderstanding and actual confusion in the way I articulate and framed things that never even made sense to the other person. And how I never realised that the way I pronounce words and sentences and ideas has always gone into the wrong direction of showing me who and how I was, as an illiterate person and not well spoken. No matter what anyone says, if it is not well understood by me and others, then I don’t know how to articulate and present myself. Because no one has ever taken me seriously and always gave me some type of notion that I’ll do better and hope the best for me, when in fact and reality they were just hoping for some type of mediocre performance from me. And “hope” that I’ll make it, when hope is not a variable, it will never work, hoping for me will not ever work for me, unless I get some type of understanding, to my context and message. When in fact and reality, no one is going to give me context, I had to do it myself, and if I didn’t ask I always came to some odd weird conclusion of confusion and misunderstanding in the way I understood things, because, in reality, It was never clear within me. So others never saw it clear within me, and how I never could succeed in my own decision making, and how my decision making was all and always misunderstood, contemplated, contradicted, confused decisions, and did nothing about it. Because I thought I would never and should never ask anyone just because I was told ‘not to talk’ in a bathroom, not realising that saying and confusion of misunderstanding. Would take its toll on me and in my whole life, not knowing where or what direction I wanted to go, and succeed in, no matter what I did, and how hard I tried and attempted at anything and anyone. It was always presented in confusion, and never in the best ways possible of understanding and actual true context, it was so weird, why  would I always somehow get rejected. When in fact, it was me, I never could explain myself absolutely in the best ways possible for me to understand and for others to understand. Because if I didn’t understand something and how I am portraying and doing it only myself and only trying to understand it myself and never asking for help, it was always in the sense of if I try to understand it myself, I am only going to try to ever confuse myself any more. And how my life has ended up confusing myself and not asking for any particular context to what something truly ever meant, when in fact and reality, I have been assuming everything in my life, not ever having a practical real solution for my life, because no one ever gave me any sort of context and understanding of something. Therefore, I never knew what it was like to voice my needs and wants and the help for it, if I needed some type of help. And how ever since then, throughout so many fucking years of my life, I never could know how to explain and articulate and frame and reframe things in the best ways possible of actual articulate communication that actually made sense for a person to want to invest in me. When in fact, I never did and never did know and never could know how to invest in me, it was always assumed. I also remembered my cousin, as a mom or whomever she was to me. That I thought that she was to me, when I was hungry and while she was at work and I was at home having fun and going around the house. I climbed up on the counter and grabbed some ravioli and there was some meat inside, and how I was quite hungry. I got it from the cabinet and put on the counter, and then I slowly got down and opened it with a can opener. And put it in a bowl, didn’t think of heating it, i went to the drawer, got a fork, and ate it, and then when i finished, i put the bowl into the sink, and put water to it. Since the sink was too high for me, I couldn’t wash the dishes, so no wonder  I never did want to do dishes ever since. Because I wasn’t aware of what to do, so I was ever so confused of what to do and how to do it. And when my cousin came home from work, she asked me if I got something to eat, and I said yes I did. And she asked me  what I ate, I ate some ravioli from the can, and she asked me if I heated it, and I said no, she mentioned you were supposed to heat it, so it can taste good. Unfortunately, I did not know and I said ‘oh’, then we moved on and did some other things to have fun. But at that moment, I never knew why I was doing it, it was never for the actual purpose of anything, I never knew anything about how to heat something, and make it ‘taste good’, just because it was ‘hot’. Therefore, I was given the actual context of how to do something, it was always done for the end result and was never for  actual understanding and to be effective within myself and in my world. I never knew how to actually do something, and ever since, I never knew what it was like to be actually self sufficient within myself and for myself and to show others that i could do it. But my cousin never could explain it to me, she only said that I was supposed to heat. Well I had no idea at the time of how the microwave actually worked, so funny enough, I never did heat it and just ate it as is,  with a fork and bowl in my hand and ate it at the table. And ever since my whole life was all revolved around an end decision result, and how there was no true real context of anything, and how I never achieved so much in my life. It was always done in mediocrity, never any sort of context. I never knew what and how to do something, it was always me going after to do something that was fun for me in reality, I was never that much in my head, i just wanted to enjoy life, and even when i was at school the very next year or whenever it was. I found myself staring into space, even when I was with and made a new friend, he had to explain to me what his name was, kind of like 4 or 5 times. And of course, I never still forgot about him, he was a great friend, we just never hung out that much, we had a lot of fun though. But even that, no one ever truly knew what explaining and understanding truly actually was, because, in fact, no one had the answer to anything to what and how something actually truly works. It was never explained how to do something, and what are the components to other things and how one thing to another links up to what was. And how I remembered, while walking in the hallway, after school, or if it was in the morning while walking to class. Some lady had tied her hair up and made it to the point where she had put some stick on top of her head with her hair tied around it. And how the other kids and teachers made a joke of this what you’ll like when you read a lot of books, as if it was some type of joke, and it was, but we and I and the other kids. Never knew what was going on and why her head was like that, with her hair tied in that way. We never had context to why books were good to read, we never knew why something ever was, and how it works, we only got the end result and thought it meant that way to our own conclusion and assumption. It was never understood by other people, because no one else knew what and how and why things work in a certain particular way, because no one knew, and how I came to never know why and how things work. And what is the linkage upon to what has gotten us to where we are. And so many ineffective ways of understanding were all clouded, due to no one being able to give me context to explain things in a very simple and meaningful and purposeful way. Therefore, each and every mistake and every way I ever did anything, whether it came to hard labor, school, business, work, talking and articulating myself which I never could do. Because I would alway somehow stutter, because I never did know what I was talking about. I never did understand what I was reading, what I was listening to, what I was learning and who I was learning from, no one ever said anything. It was just this weird one stop shop to make people go in one direction and never consider anything else, and disregard everything else and not realise that my life is and has  ever been since a walking trance. Not knowing how things actually truly work, no matter how hard I tried to do anything, and to make it work, it just never worked in the way I wanted it to work at all, whatsoever. It was all deemed and redeemed again to me, not ever questioning and challenging the point, as there was no support for me, because I wasn’t aware of myself, things were happening so fast. In fact, the people around me did the same thing, living a confused life. Not knowing why things ever occurred, since I was so hurt in my own childhood, not knowing why things ever occurred, because it was all misunderstood, confused, and didn’t even know why and how things and what things are and what and how, why the work in a sense of what is given to me. Just no one ever knew why, therefore, we only lived life so quickly going in the direction of a slave, well lived, well nourished, in some type of way, that was either good or bad, or just mere outright confusion and misunderstanding. Due to all assumptions, because that’s all of life, no one knows anything, and how I realise, that a lot of people are stupid, just like I was and how i was never aware of why something ever was and how it affected me and in each every decision and word, and idea and articulation was confused and tarnished and trampled over all ideas, all articulation, all of everything, with no context and/or understanding of anything, because no one knew it and no one knew how things are and how thy work, what hey are, and how they are. They just were only so delusional like i was, so illusional, like  I was, no one had a clue of what in the world is going on and how reality works. It all went by so fast, living a life of confusion, in every decision, even if we are aware, we don’t even know that it is our breath, as it is to be so, without any true realisation of why and how much confusion and pain we caused, due to misunderstanding and just mere assumption.

When and as I see myself urging and overlapping and trampling over my own words, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself over explaining and not keeping it simple, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself giving myself away too much and urging myself even before I do, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself not having enough context and trampling over my own words, as if I don’t even know what I am talking about, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself over explaining and not articulating myself in a clear framed expression that is understandable, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself assuming what someone is making fun of me for, I stop and breathe.

I realise that not having enough context and just over explaining things to myself and how it is only me against me, and how I never thought that I would ever go against myself, not knowing why I would ever do such a thing. Because it was all due to assumption and misunderstanding, and how there wasn’t enough context for me to understand how something works and why it works and what it is for within the reason why. And how ever since, the 2nd grade while i was living in another state, not knowing why no one ever gave me any context of how to do things, how it works. Because no one ever knew how anything actually ever worked, because in fact, no one knew anything works and how and why it works, that way, just because of what was being presented at hand and why what something ever meant. Just because I was never given context, and how everyone just so merely, accepted and allowed things to be the way they are, and for some reason, just to be the way it is and never ask why and/or even challenge something if necessary. Within that, I also came to that conclusion to never speak up and see why a thing is there, how it works, why it works, and what something actually means to its structural design. And how ever since,  I never questioned the way I always learned and always did things all on my own and never asked for help, just because  I thought everything was only for my own retribution and cause. Even when I did speak to others, it would never make sense, even to myself, because I never could apply it, because I never understood it, therefore, it was all just an assumption and mere misunderstanding and extreme confusion. Beyond belief and imagination, to why it was for me to go so far at something and somehow, get confused and then further myself to not ever understanding why a thing even works and how it works. Just because I was not given enough context and had to learn and do things all on my own. And even when I did, it was all just an assumption of meaning and never could apply what I read and did of anything that I want, any work, any business, any relationship, any friendship, any article, any book, anything, whatever it was. I never could understand what was being presented to me.

I realise that no one ever gave me any context, so I thought I had to do everything and anything all on my own and figure out that I really haven’t gotten that far, just because I wanted to do it my own way. And how I now realise that I haven’t really gotten that far with anything of any business, work, articulating myself, and my ideas and way I was presenting my ideas was one idea going before another, when it was out of order. Not knowing why and how it was, and how no one ever understood me and what I was trying to say, just because I was so nervous and wanted to exploit myself and explain myself and over explain just because I wanted to understand it myself, and never ask for help and/or advice for anything. Just because of that particular event that same day, and the same day, I went home to my cousins to see what the hell just happened to someone giving me a piece of paper and now my cousins are laughing at it, and now for me I’m just assuming what they’re laughing at. And how no one understood what they meant, because if I asked, then it would be mistaken for misunderstanding, and how I was basically somewhat insulting them, when sometimes that wasn’t the actual case, when i was just curious to find out why that eve was that I could not understand something. I was just curious even when people snapped back at me with ugly anger and a quick snap of judgement towards me and telling me to shut up and go somewhere else. Just because they assumed that I never could understand what they were saying, when everyone and anyone, only accepted and allowed that people of gender, age, no matter young or not, old or not, that they will never understand and should hear what we are saying. Even if it was bad, and wasn’t best to talk about, and how everyone is getting drunk or doing whatever to have fun. When in fact and realty, i also remembered how we were always with my uncle and aunt and never with my cousins to hang out with them. Just because they were always going to work, and never was actually home to hang out and be with us. I Thought they never cared, but they were making it that way, so I just assumed and was confused of why that ever was to be, not realising what I was doing, even if i was tattle tailing about my younger cousin and what she was doing, and how I was doing the same thing she was doing, not realising my own pattern and how quick i accepted and allowed such a pattern that isn’t even me. I only saw it, because I thought it was the gateway to get what I wanted, when in fact, it was not, I only wanted to get her in trouble, just because I wanted to somehow take revenge upon my own self and my own cousin just because of assumption and control. And pure misunderstanding and nothing else for more.

I realize that everyone just accepts and allows things as the way they are, and should never be changed and considered and to be understood, and to always accept and allow it to be misunderstanding and mere confusion. And how I came out to be on the end, confused in a world, not knowing why  I am here and what I am doing to create. Even when I am trying to understand a subject or anything or a book for that matter, it was never understood by me, nor anyone, else, because i always assumed that whenever I got sent to my room, just because i was challenging my cousin as a mother for who she was, and how she wasn’t saying the thing that I didn’t like what she said, so I challenged her on it, even when i didn’t voice my needs and wants correctly, and only assumed it, while I did have strep throat that day. Not knowing why what ever happened, because everyone just accepted and allowed anything and everything as is, and no context and no understanding, it was just said and gone and done.without even knowing why, we say what we say, and why and how we say it, and how it is a part of us as breath, not ever realising that we are living actual mediocrity, without even bothering to question why whatever was to be at all for it’s meaning, and just rejected. For what was not best for all, and how it all accumulated and went all the way down with the tidy bowl man for the worst.

I realise that each and every decision that I ever made and how I articulated each and every word and sentence and idea, was all confused because i thought I could do everything all on my own and understand it. When in fact, I never got really far with what I was doing, and how I never got the context thatI was supposed to get in order to understand what I am doing and how things work and why it works. Just because everyone and even I accepted and allowed things to be as they are and no different. And to never challenge and question the status quo, just, because life isn’t even here, just accept and allow being lost, do it yourself, don’t ask for help, don’t do this, don’t do that, and within that, everything that was presented to me, I ended up disregarding it, each and every step, life, word, sentences, ideas, and all of the above, was all disregarded and accepted and allowed as is. Just because ‘it was no different. When in fact and reality, that is a big fat fucking lie that everyone I knew and learned from and saw and who took care of me, and how i accepted and allowed that big fat fucking lie as if it were to be true. When in reality and fact, I am a living LIE. not knowing why and how far I have yet to get, just because I don’t know how to do anything, because in fact and reality, I am operating on my foundation that was not set right and was just told to accept and allow thing as is and never say anything back and do as I was told, which was fucking dumb. And how those people were not credible, they didn’t really necessarily, know what they were talking about, and didn’t truly care of what was to even explained when the person was also challenged as the idiotic moron they were as well. And then later on in my life, I started to do things on my own, and when i did ask for help, no one knew, so I had to do it on my own, and when I did ask again, people knew, but somehow, I didn’t know, and was always doing the same patterns, over and over and over and over again. As if fi didn’t even learn what i was encountering that was holding me back and how I was blaming another person for their mistake and my mistake, when in fact, it was just me and them not knowing, when in fact and reality, It was just me, i never knew what true learning was, and wasn’t given the context to understand, therefore, I made the same mistakes over and over and over and over again. Not knowing why I never got ever so far at all whatsoever.

I realise now that no one ever understood anything, and how I so happen to come along to take on the same principles and things to just merely accept and allow what is and never question and challenge. Just because I didn’t have a high vocabulary, nor were the people who were teaching me and helping me didn’t have a high vocabulary either, just because that happened, I so happen to take on the same thing as well. And how I remembered, my cousin's mom was about to leave, she was crying and before she left she saw me and smiled a bit, and left. I didn’t know what was going on, and I somehow, just stared at her as she stared back and how I saw her as she was leaving, I just didn’t know what was going on and why she was experiencing such intense sadness and sorrow. Because her husband and her were arguing and fighting over something that didn’t make any sense, and how they were basically saying the same things that made sense, but in fact, it was misunderstood, and had different meanings. No wonder I wanted to leave and thought in my own assumption that my cousins weren’t taking care of me properly and effectively. As my parents were arriving, my cousin, as the father, was saying something about beer bottles and how many he had to drink, because they knew he was an alcoholic. And my cousin who was older and was like a sister a best friend to me, she said something that I thought was stupid and assumed it was stupid, and how I said shut up to her. And she never spoke of anything ever since, as if I betrayed my own family, due to misunderstanding, and confusion, and how I never knew what was going on, no one ever explained anything to me. Because everyone just decided to accept and allow things the way they were, and never questioned why the way they live, why the way they speak, why the way they do things, and much of other things that don’t even make sense to why a person and how a person is doing something. Because they have no idea of the starting point of why they are actually doing what they are doing, and no wonder why a person’s life like that and my life has ended up where it is today, due to misunderstanding, and confusion and so many wasted years of confusion and misunderstanding and complete out right clueless and confused. Of what and how even reality truly even works at all whatsoever, even if it is abused. And then there was another memory, of me kicking a dog that lived with us off the bed, just because I wasn’t understanding why it was sleeping on my bed instead of someone else’s bed, and how I didn’t like dogs being on my bed, and never wondered why that ever was. Never questioned it, never challenged it, not ever knowing why that ever was, and eventually enough, the dog lost my trust, although it was sometimes happy around me and too happy to see me. But even that, for some reason I wasn’t understanding why animals liked me, and no one else in the family, at least I thought that to myself, but somehow, I would always kick it off the bed, even when i was awakening to see that it was sleeping on my bed, as  was sleeping right then and there.

I realised that when my cousin who was younger than I, or I was older than her, not sure, but I remembered when she pinched me while I wanted to sleep, and kicked her back to get off of me, she cried and went to tattle tale to her parents. Sleeping across from the hallway from the bathroom, and she went and did that and they told her to leave me alone and just go to sleep together, when we had separate beds as sleeping together that way. And even there one night, I had gone to the bathroom, my stomach was hurting and I wasn’t so sure of what and why and how my stomach was actually hurting, I was there for a few hours, and it was really late at night, not knowing why my stomach was hurting. And I was on the toilet for hours on end, as if I was assuming that my own cousins were against me and  fed me some food that wasn’t good, when in fact, it was just my body and how it could not handle the actual substance of the food as it was. Even when we went to restaurants, I threw up for eating too much and that led me up to the point of what happened with my aunt forcing me to eat and hitting my hands for what I never was even going on. And how this misunderstanding and confusion has affected me and my whole life, for each and every decision of whatever has happened to me, I just never actually knew why, no wonder my life is the way it is, and how i have yet to get far for what it is that I aspire myself to achieve and actually want to do with my life. How tragic.

I realise that when my cousin and I were watching tv in her parents room, she said I couldn’t have one, because she wanted to have the whole thing to herself, and somehow she threw up from eating a whole bunch of it, without ever knowing why and why not to share. She was greedy, and how i came out to be the same way, in some sense of a varying degree and a non-trust worthy varying degree. That wasn’t best for me, that wasn’t best for her, and how no one ever knew why something ever was, even when we were  watching tv and having fun together in here parents room, and latter as day went by,  found a dildo under their bed, as my my eldest cousin wasn’t good getting good enough sex from her husband, so she decides to buy something and fuck herself with it, not ever realising why a dildo was ever even there, and how it was so dirty under the bed.not even realising why someone would not want to clean under their bed and to keep things keep and make it nice, in fact, it was never that way. And how I found myself later in my life, throwing things under the bed, and throwing things under the carpet in conversations as if they didn’t matter and not speak up about the matters. Because I thought I could do things all on my own, just in dishonesty for something that I never even knew of, at all whatsoever.

I realised that I lived a life of misunderstanding, confusion, being clueless, and not knowing even a thing of how anything works, and was just following the stream line of life and where I was being directed and not aware of what was going on and what was going on within me. Nothing at all, whatsoever. All - a - LIE. A Life of mediocrity, having to do things on my own, not asking for help, being yelled at, being scorned at, punished, abused, beyond my own belief and imagination of why a thing ever was to be for my own abuse and not knowing why life was not the best for me even for others as well. And to just accept the status quo and go along with what is being given to me and directed for me, without my say for my own life, and how everyone that I ever knew and talked to, had a say over me, and never acknowledged that I even have a life worth living for, evidently, it was not well lived, it was versed into the direction and path to misunderstanding, lack, limitation, abuse, punishment, reward, confusion, no education that was proper and effective, no context on anything, never challenge anything, was yelled at, was slapped, and all the above, for ugly abuse that occurred to me for the worst. I just never knew that people are never truly aware of actually caring for real, everyone was blind and living a blind and day to day life as a slave, I mean worker for the worst, nothing more and nothing less, just enough to get by.

I realise my younger cousin, as we were leaving and/or either coming home from some place, she whisper in my ear, “mother fucker” as some curse word she had learned, just because she trusted me didn’t mean I was going to say it to out of my own dishonesty, not realising that she was learning to curse, as i have learned to do so as well. Not realising that I did not understand why she trusted me to curse into my ear just because she was thinking of something that wasn’t best and how I didn’t think it was best, but somehow just agreed just because I never questioned and challenged what she was saying, when in fact, i didn’t want to get in trouble either. So I kept it to myself in dishonesty, until the realisation of what it is that she had said and how I never understood why she even wanted to trust me and say to me in my ear, when I thought she was cursing at me, when she was just wanted to get it off of her chest and stay to me and not expose her of saying something that she just learned from her own parents and even me.

I realised that I never cared either, I only cared to be with family and no one else, until all the abuse, ever made it worse than ever before. And that I was never happy, nor was anyone around me actually happy for life and happy for me, no one cared for actual true stability and actual life living that was worth actually living for, truly.

I commit myself to understanding to be able to ask for context to understand things and how they work, why they work, what they work for, and how I am able to understand the workings of something. So I can be effective in knowing what I am doing, especially when it comes to business, of any kind, engineering, education, technology, sales, anything of the above that is of  common sense and practicality and what it is used for. And how it can be used effectively and to become so much more effective and to vacate the mind of misunderstanding and confusion and cluelessness. And become understanding, what and why and how things work and how I can become better effective for myself and also to encourage others as well on how and why and what things work for and what they do. And how interesting it is and have a go at it and test it out. And improve and learn from the mistakes and learn from people who Only Know how to do such a thing, and not just anyone, because I know a lot of people don't know how life and things and why work and how why they work and what they work for in life. For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better!

I commit myself to question everything, why a thing is this way, why is that way, what is it for, and how does it work, and to gain a better understanding of why something is and understand and ask questions. And observe how someone’s thinking is either good or just outright flawed, and they don’t know what they’re talking about it. And to do this with respect and dignity and integrity and honesty and kindness  to another person to all and everyone with common sense and practicality for the better. For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better as LIFE!

I commit myself to ask and understand how things work and ask effective questions and a lot of questions to how things work and get a better grasp that s effective for me ad for the other person whether they know it or not, they will understand by responding and talking with me, and not just for themselves and for me either. We both will understand, and even in groups we will do this as well, and how we can truly improve and see what true understanding of information is and how and why and what it works for and is used for it’s actual true purpose. And to understand how to make things simply simple and simplify it to the point of actual practicality and effectiveness in everything I do and we do. To work smart and hard at something and truly understand how to create something and  be effective and move on with further creation for an actual real life meaningful purpose and making it meaningful for what’s best for all and for me! For as  I see myself as life and  life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better as LIFE!

I commit myself to challenge the status quo, no matter what anyone says that they’ve accepted and allowed as truth, when in fact and in reality they have accepted and allowed to live themselves as lies for a life of mediocrity for no reason for anything. And how no one even dares to question why anything ever is and why they live the way they live and how their life has ever gotten up to this very actual point. Within that, I commit myself to live a life and become and understand and know how to create a life of purposeful meaning and meaningful purpose to create and demand a higher standard of myself and my people that work with me as a corporation, for the better! And to help them, challenge the status quo with respect and dignity for another, with integrity, of my salespersons, directors, senior partners, employees, and to make and create something pretty damn cool for the world and for what is best for all! For as I see myself as life and life resonance in reality and in awareness to improve and adapt for the better as LIFE!

I commit myself to investigate and get help and see why I have been doing things the way I have been doing and challenge and question it, and to write self forgiveness and speak it and forgive myself of what is not best within me, and I have accepted and allowed such a thing that isn’t even best and how it has yet to be investigated and how I can realise what I can do that is best or me and how i can live a better life with support, wealth and opulence for what is best for all! And within that, I will write self breathing statements to realise when and if there will be a reaction to stop and breathe and to take directive principle in the moment of where I am and breathe and be here. Then to realisation statements to write what I Had reacted to and have reacted to that wasn’t best for me and how I can finally realise it from the self forgiveness statements. Within that, I commit myself to write self commitment statements to recorrect myself into what is best for me and how I can live my life for the better and to enter into a new reality to step into and take care of what is here and for what is best for all! And to live the living change as life, within the tools of support groups, support people, TechnoTutor, Desteni I Process, the journey’s to life blogs and to become the best version of myself each and every for what is best for my life and how I interact with others and how conduct my day for the better! For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better as LIFE!