Day 42: IN OUR HEARTS, WE DIS-TRUST!

 

 Distrust?

(Read Aloud and Breathe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise how long I have been distrusting myself and dissing my own self trust and how I have denied myself so many times, beyond belief, that when I tell myself to do something and stick to it and somehow I always dis myself self trust and lose it automatically and have been doing it for so long, not realising that I'm not that much of a trustworthy individual and human being. I was never taught and ingrained within me self trust, it was always my parents distrusting me and imprinting their deified and distasteful trust onto me and doing another thing and never returning to what they committed to or even just sometimes flat out denied me. And never wanted to help me, just because they were tired and wanting to do other things and never spend time with me, even when I tried to ask again for them to do something with me and also how I always wanted to do my own thing. But at times and sometimes, I always disrespected myself and never wanted to trust myself, no wonder I haven’t gotten very far in whatever I wanted to do. It was always at a quick quit and how things were getting a bit tough and that annoying nudging feeling of the rift in my body and resonance, that I never knew what actual self trust was, it was always me deviating from doing what was actually best in the first place. It was always me distracting myself in fear and trauma and being afraid doing whatever was going to get me far. But somehow, never made the cut for myself, never made the commitment, never made what I said and set out for myself, it was always in initial denial and random times at last minute denial as well, not actually going for what was meant to be, it was always in some other way and never going towards what was best, it was always deviating to what was not best. And doing what was to the least resistance that i thought was better, just because I wanted to live the the living words complacency and latency, without even knowing what I was doing as living words that were all screwed up within me. Going in all directions and areas that never made any sort of sense, but which was of common sense to redirect, but I was the detrimental living words that never benefitted me and the acts and breath like structures that never really benefited me, they always deterred me and how I made myself always defer to failure, to complacency, latency, loser mentality, always thinking and having so much backchat, not knowing that I do have it. Just quickly denying the fact that the voices were coming up and how intense they were to tell me to quickly turn back, there is no way that way, when in fact and reality, it was that way, and t was a path less traveled, not knowing why I ever distrusted myself, when in fact, I could’ve went for it, and dd the things that I’ve always to do but I always at last minute and/or even initial touch to deny what was already there for me to do. When I didn’t know what I truly wanted, I then quickly denied what I was doing and went home, never stayed, never learned, never went on, because I just wasn’t ready, although I was, I was just denying myself of my own trust that I never had. I never had a true foundation of self trust and trusting myself to do what was needed to do, to help me succeed, but it was always for failure, never for perseverance, it was always for a quick intermittent pity party and always going the route of what is not best for all. It was always within me to not do what I wanted to do, I always was so quick to deny myself. Because I was never taught and never knew for myself what I truly wanted to do, so I never did trust myself to make the decisions and be willing to crash and burn and be willing to succeed and learn and be willing to earn and make money for myself. Instead I always listened to my parents, authorities, friends, relatives, teachers, adults, other kids, media, tv shows, movies, tv shows as movies, advertisements, Disney movies, and much more. It was all programming me to make me lose my own self trust and tell me to believe what I needed to believe to lose self trust and never gain an ounce back, no matter how much self trust I ever gained back, I was always forced back into my environment, where no one had self trust, not even my parents, ad not even myself. Because no one cared, so I never cared to trust myself, I always trusted in deceit, deceiving myself and others just because they told to me to do something out of spite and nonsense, I never did it, because I knew they never cared, so eventually enough I never trusted myself enough to care about myself. To do what I wanted to do, it was in a complacent and loserville environment, it was never for the better, I never knew what I wanted to do, so at the last minute, I would always deviate back to a safe environment of my own in my own mind. Backing me into a mental corner, as if someone was against me, and how everything was against me, when it was me in fact and reality, was the only against me. And fucking with myself doing the things that I never intentionally wanted to do, it was always automatic patterns, not ever knowing why it was ever there, being so spiteful and ugly of my own character. As if there was so much dark and negative energy within me, so many rifts, so many pitfalls, so many ways and paths that led to nowhere, because I never had a true path of a place to actually call for home. I never had a true place to call myself to trust myself, it was always in distrust and disrespecting myself and others, never trusting others, because I never trusted myself, even if it was a good person or not at all. Not knowing who to trust, because I never trusted myself, no one ever taught me, no one around me ever did trust themselves fully, no wonder everyone was poor, and stupid and always spiteful, hitting me out of ‘love’ which was stupid. When they don’t even know what true love truly is, when in fact and reality, they only showed it in abuse, and it was always abuse, deceit, reward, punishment, skewed rewards, skewed punishments and spiteful manipulations. It was never actual true self trust, it was always distrust and trust in contradiction of its ultimate denial. Going from one thing and then one moment or even a few later, the rifting negative energy of gaseous cloud that erupt the electrical strands and strings within me and them as well. Not knowing why we were doing such a thing to distrust ourselves and not sticking to what we’re doing, and end up not ever finishing what is even at hand. Because no one ever knew, and nor did I ever knew either of what true self trust truly ever was, it was always in quick denial, played out in fear, and fearing what might happen, fearing ourselves, fearing others and what they’ve done to us. Not knowing why a person would ever do such a thing, as if it were a real rule of punishment for the worst.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as parents, friends, relatives, tv shows, movies, tv shows as movies, previous girlfriends, and anyone else, advertisements, Disney cartoon movies and much more. That I never knew what I was doing to teach my child and this person to lose their own self trust, because me myself, I never had true self trust, my trust was is in denial, it was never true, it was always played out in trust, but it was always revealed as distrust, nothing ever true, because I never had self trust, no one ever cared, so I never cared to show my care and trust in myself to do what was best, but I only did those that were of abuse and never anything for the better, it was in punishment and reward, it was never for actual true stability and along with financially as well, our finances were always in trouble, we would always spend our money, never preserve it and invest it. Because in fact, we never knew how to do that particular fact and way of doing, it was always in some type of denial, so quick to deny, not knowing why we ever saw something and was so quick to deny and distrust our own selves and never continue with anything and be so worried about bills and paper bills, so much money going out the door and never made anything substantial. It was always someone worrying about something, because it was part of our own flesh and never for the actual benefit of what’s best, it was always done in negativity, and what was not best. Because we never cared, we only did what we could do, but it was always in denial, distrust, and disrespect, it was never of respect, it was never of trust, it was never of being here in reality. It was always us being within our minds, not knowing that we were participating in our own bullshit that wasn’t even real, we only made it to be real. Because of the memories and backchat of what we taught to this person and our own child, to never care, to never trust, to never see the light of day and what it can hold for the person to be the light for themselves. Because caring truly, is trusting yourself, but we never had that, so we never taught it. It was always in some scheme of a way to deceive one another into doing something in scarcity and wanting another to pay my bills when i told that to my child, not knowing that he will never help me, because I don’t know how to help me, I never will help me, because I never knew how, so I will never help my child and this person, for whomever they may be. I will never help anyone, nor myself, because Ii don’t give a fuck and a care about myself, therefore, I never trusted myself, therefore, I never will, and never will ever. Because I never cared truly, but worry about things and seep in unnecessary fear and energy and my own substance to dis-apply myself and disengage myself even initial presentation and sometimes last minute just because something is boring or whatever I am doing with another person or whomever is boring and how I don’t want to be here within my life. And how poor I have gotten, how stupid I have gotten, how much fo a deceiver, I have gotten to be and become, as someone who was only doing their best, but only did it in excuse, and failure. It was never realised, it was always blinded, it was never seen for the light of day, it was always hidden in complacency and latency. It was all for something that we didn’t want to do, because it was never a part of us, it was never programmed into us, therefore, we never did it. Thinking that when I was researching one day, to see if my family line was rich, they were not, in turning out, they were poor, and how I came to be poor as well. And how my children and other people that I’ve known and know right now. Will also be poor, and stupid and distrust themselves and disrespect themselves. Because also their environment will never surface something actually true of abundance. Because no one knew what actual self trust truly was. It always in denial, being so fucking quick to deny anything, no matte what it was, no matter if it was good or not, no matter of it was bad or not, it was always accepted for stupidity and failure. It was always accepted in scrutiny and ever so cringing harshly at what was even thought to be best, in fact it was not, it never was, but it was done that way without even knowing that we were actually deluding ourselves and our child an this person to whomever we were teaching at that very time and look how their life has ended up as it is right now. For the worst, as it was for us as well, nothing ever turned out for the better, no wonder we're poor, and we will never, I mean never and ever, make it, because we don’t know what true self trust and what true life abundance truly really is. Everything was always done in distrust, always, disrespect, always, initially and in between and after, at random times to never keep going. But to always deviate, it always deviating from what was best, but it was always gone towards to mediocrity, inferiority, all of the above that is so cringing to why someone would ever distrust themselves is such fucking stupidity as it is. We never knew what life and abundance truly ever was, no one cared, no one ever trusted themselves, everyone was so quick to fucking deny everything, no one ever knows anything, no one ever has knowledge of anything, no one knows how to do anything, everyone and even myself, is and are too stupid to realise what was already in front of us the whole entire time. When in reality, we were only digging our own hole into oblivion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a Disney character and cartoon to distrust myself, each and every time, I ever wanted to do something, it was always in deviation to some way and avenue of deluding and illuding myself and others, because no one ever cared. Even when I was by myself and living myself as an animal with a rat and a woman who would always hit me and hurt me. Not ever knowing why I was being hit, just because I wanted to do what I wanted to do. And run around and break shit around the house, and performing and doing aloof these things, not knowing why I ever did distrust myself myself when things were going great, and somehow, I would always dis-trust my own self as individual as a nobody, and how my creators, knew that if we make someone, an animal, with another person in an environment where there is no trust. No one cares, no one does anything to care and trust themselves to do the right thing that is of what is best, not of what is not best and do it for failure and punishment and reward. And make this person hurt themselves and hurt others in distrust and denial and all of the above for the worst, not ever caring if anyone would ever learn how to trust themselves, even when things did ever get so hard on a person. They will easily give up and tarnish their efforts, no matter what they try to do, it will always be not being of actual fortitude and committing themselves to actually what the person actually sets out for themselves to do. And many viewers of children and adults, so blind to the fact that no one will ever know why I have distrusted myself and others to distrust themselves because life was never here, it was and is always in the mind. Never participating in real life, it was always in the mind and doing things that were never best, doing things unimaginable to do in real life, because it was never practical, it was never of common sense, it was always of thinking and thinking of what was to be, never anything actually best. It was always in abuse and deviating to what was so comfortable and not so uncomfortable to achieve and do anything that is of actual worthiness for the better. It was always for the worst. It was always going for some type of distraction just to deviate from what was even actually at hand, but never anything to be done for actual true self honesty, it was done in self dishonesty, and deviation for worst. No one will ever care, no one will ever trust themselves to do what is best and leave fear at the door and dissipate it. No one will ever know what to actually do with their lives, because they will always do unworthy things into oblivion and delusion and actual illusion for what is not best at all whatsoever. It was always sitting someone at the tv, at the table in oblivion and delusion and illusion to never do what was best or even anything of that matter to gain actual self trust, because it was always in acts of deluding another and even ourselves. Not ever knowing and having some type of awareness and inclination to what even true actual self trust truly even is, it was always in denial, distrust, disrespect, delusional, illusional ways, that were never actually best for anything and anybody at all whatsoever.

When and as I see myself deviating and not trusting myself to go towards what is best, I stop and breathe and do what is best and trust myself to do so.

When and as I see myself distrusting myself into oblivion and being so delusional and illusional, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself having the subtle urge to try to do what is not best and deviate from what I had set out for myself to do to achieve what I want for business and in life, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself deviating and wanting to urge myself to distract myself to something that is not best for me in the moment of what I am looking to do and doing at that very moment, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself participating in fear to deviate myself from doing what is best, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself urging and in an attempt to not trust myself to do what I am wanting to do, I stop and breathe, and go do the thing that I set out to do.

When and as I see myself urging myself into participating in fear and not doing what is going to get me a result that is productive, I stop and breathe and do the act to get myself the result and go for it anyway.

When and as I see myself deviating to something that is going to distract me just because I want to view something from what I am currently doing just to check on some type of notification that may not be important, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself participating in my mind about something about someone or anyone or anything and everything that is not best, I stop and breathe.

I realise that distrusting myself is only being so quick to deny myself of what I am doing that is important and how I have a hard time saying no to what is not best. And how I always have to go towards what is not best and do what is not best, and how I am wasting and losing my own elf trust and time and my valuable breath on things that I will never get back. Not knowing why I ever even distrusted and wasted time in the first place. When all of this came from my parents, and how I saw them and how i created most of the other things in my environment that forced me to be complacent and of course to waste my own time, and own my valuable breath, my own valuable focus, just for a mere detrimental distraction that I think that is best to see for. And if i am not aware  of it, i will end up leading myself and my own self down a path that is of unworthiness and no particular insight of merit at all whatsoever to begin with. Because ini fact, in reality, I never trusted myself, I never did, I never learned how to, because no one cared, no one trusted themselves, because they never did. Even their parents, and other people, friends, media, entertainment, and much more, and how I came out to be not caring about myself and what I have at hand. To be saying yes to what is of distractions, other business projects, ideas, that seem to be great, but it’s not going to benefit me, if I am not even looking and wanting to urge myself to perform and apply myself and act on what is best for me to focus on that I like to do that is getting me very far into the process of true actual creation and abundance. In fact, and reality, it was never this way at all whatsoever, because I never learned truly how to trust myself and care for myself, because my parents and my friends and other people, relatives, friends, media entertainment. Was programming me to be complacent, latent, and all of the above to be in a forced environment of loserville, where no one gets anything done, everyone is so quick to deny anything, never focus on what gives drive for to be creating something truly amazing and great. It was always done and forced without being forced, for mediocrity, inferiority and to be delusional and illusional to go towards something that is always of some type of distraction and no real enjoyment of any type of creation, nothing at all, nothing at all whatsoever, bottom line.

I realised that I never truly cared and had actual developed self trust within me, I never had it, because I never knew what true self trust was, because people in my environment and what I deliberately succumbed to was a bunch of failures, i never knew how to think critically for myself and accurately, it was always done in guessing and having to have someone else do something for me. Ini fact, I never believed, and thought and had certainty that I could do it for myself, I had to ask others, because I never knew what to do for myself and what I wanted. And never could protect my time and value for what was to be, therefore, it was always neglected for the worst.

I realise that environment also was a factor of me not knowing and understanding and implement and live out self trust, therefore, it was always in some type of havoc and complacency, because I also created more of it in my own way and liking without even knowing that I was deceiving myself into doing something that is not even best for me, nor were others even around me as I was growing up actually cared to have self trust and care for me. Therefore, I never had self trust, I never cared for myself, therefore, I never cared for other people and others, even the people I wanted to work with. So eventually, no one else ever cared, so consequently, I never did, unfortunately. And now that I realise that I never had actual true evident living flesh like self trust, I can finally see what was behind the veil, to truly create more than ever.

I realise that I would sometimes waste my own time and other people’s time, and even the relationships and friendships that I’ve had, were always somewhat distrusting as well. There was no trust, there was no commitment, there was no help, there was no encouragement, there wasn’t anything. No one knew anything, nor did I, and somehow little things piled on top of each other in distrust one after the other, no matter what was actually going within me and the other as it was to be at all whatsoever.

I realise that I never learned how to provide for myself, because no one ever taught me, I was always given something, I was never taught to earn something with respect and stability and common sense. Instead it was always for some type of manipulation and being cheated and and stabbed emotionally, just for reward and/or punishment and how I was abused so many times, beyond belief. And how much I was enduring and getting exposed to people who were not best for me, in my life, nor were they best for themselves, because they never knew who they were as a person, so eventually, I never did. And how I would always bicker back at others and how they would do the same, without me realising that I am in reaction and not challenging the other person for their own abuse just because they want to do what they want to do. Without explaining to me without yelling and complaining like a little bitch.

I realise that I was never taught to be self sufficient, I was always taught to be dependent, and never able to learn how to do things and learn how to do things and apply myself. I always had to somehow do things on my own, therefore, no one actually truly ever cared at all whatsoever. And how it led me to not care and trust myself and care for others for Real.

I realise that I was always doing some type of delusional act to deviate myself from what could’ve been truly created for what was best for all and me, and always said yes to distractions and things never benefitted me and how I had to always start over and over and over again. Just because I went from thing to thing, endeavor to endeavor, and wasted money and precious time that was never brought back and to be aware of. Because once it is gone, it is gone, for good, and how I never learned from my troubles and decisions, because no one around me could ever explain to me what was best to do, therefore, I never learned and I never did, anything about it at all, no wonder my life is full of distrustful people, myself, things that I never needed, things I never completed, but just bought it for energy, things I never committed myself to go for. And how I never made it become real and true to me, it was always some type of false notion within me, and from me as a pattern as the flesh. I never could actually see the true light of day, because I thought I had to do everything and I mean literally everything on my own and nothing more at all.

I realise that I never learned how to provide for myself, never learned how to make money, never learned how to cook, never learned how to learn about things and do things that are fun and interesting to do. So no one ever cared, so I never did and always depended on others, I never knew what it was like to take care of myself emotionally, financially, monetarily, and much more  within the basics and things I’ve ever wanted. Were always emptied out and never sought for, ever again.

I commit myself to trust myself more and more and do what I say and do what I do as I say to myself and get things done that are of priority and that are best for me to achieve and get done. And to do it effectively and trust myself, no matter what happens, and tactful in my decision and path of life and pace of life in business and increase it and scale it, as I am getting better and better. And increase that for myself and improve to get help and give help as well, and see what I can do with others and how others can participate with what I’m doing and focus on one thing and making it great that is productive and what is best for all and what is best for myself for the better. For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better, and to live the living change as LIFE!

I commit myself to learn how to provide for myself and create and provide for myself emotionally and financially along with the help of those who are in those positions of self sufficiency and have help around themselves as well. And how I can truly become much more effective in being self sufficient and trust worthy of myself and truly understanding what I have been leaving behind for a long time and fill it in learning how and applying myself to self trust again to what it was meant to be for my and our super success! For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better, within living the living change as LIFE!

I commit myself to encourage my employees, salespersons, senior partners, directors, customers, suppliers, vendors, to learn to help and understand how to apply themselves within self trust and rid the fear and be here in reality to be, do and have much more than ever before. And to keep going, because once we’re in, we’re in, and keep going and focusing on what is best and what is right to do, and improve and adapt along the way. Read and live the  company principles to their life and not just for the company, to how they can become better as individuals like myself, and how we can all dominate and help the people around us at work and at home and our neighbors and for the world for the better of our super super and ultimate super success! For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better, within living the living change as LIFE!

I commit myself to encourage my kids and my wife and I myself, to show what trustworthiness and being self sufficient truly is in the best ways possible of stability and common sense and practicality. And to help them understand what and how life works, our decisions and what we can do better, and improve at home as we do in the real world, and we can do as they grow up and see  what a real world of education can do while one is at home for now, and how we can help them increase their capabilities and processing abilities to learn and achieve and succeed. Along with nutrition, how to help them how to eat and soon know how to eat for themselves and how to use utensils and much more as a starting point for one. If it is a spoon, or fork to know how to hold and experiment and then to do it correctly and encourage them to know how to do it effectively. As well, we will feed them and help them understand what types of food there is, and to do what is best, of common sense and actual practicality and learn how to do this effectively from effective parents as well. And how our kids can also be self sufficient just like we are, and to help them understand where they are right now and to give proper understanding of context to understand what we’re saying and why we’re saying it to help them increase their vocabulary to up and beyond! For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better, within living the living change as LIFE!

I commit myself to challenge those who try to dare to say they don’t trust themselves, it's because they don't, and if they say, they don’t trust me, it means they don’t trust themselves, and I will be aware of what I am doing with my self trust and get feedback to see and apply myself to do what I can do to improve and truly adapt for the better!

I commit myself to support myself and receive the support and as well as give the support to live on the self perfection and self trust for myself and helping others help trust themselves step by step, and breath by breath along the way for the better. For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better, within living the living change as LIFE!

I commit myself to write self forgiveness to forgive myself of what is not best within me and how it has been affecting me for sometime and realise what it is to become better in a different light. Then onto breathing statements to stop and breathe and realise if a reaction or a pattern of any kind comes up, I will stop and breathe and take directive principle and trust myself to do what is best, do it with focus to create a pretty cool and amazing life!, within that, realisation statements of what I have not realised and realized to react to that wasn’t best for me and how I can realise what was there and breathe through the process. Within that, I commit myself to write self commitment statements to self corrective application and to live the living change as life and pace it to be faster and faster, step by step and breath by breath of way. Along with the tools of TechnoTutor, support, Desteni I Process, self forgiveness and self corrective application, and the journey’s to life blogs to rebirth to life. For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better, within living the living change as LIFE!