Day 44: Fear of not benig Self Sufficient on my Own

 

Moving back into my parents house?

(Read aloud and Breathe)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that if I fear and confuse myself and not realise that if I don’t make it out alive and better off. I fear having to move back into my parents house, just because I saw this from other media outlets and movies, and tv shows and other people and friends and colleagues. People having kids and being and living at their parents house, not ever moving out and being and learning how to truly be self sufficient and to truly lead themselves. And how I fear I might’ve and would’ve been the same in return, copying and downloading those rumors and assumptions that aren’t even real, and how I fear that might happen, and how i won’t even know if I will ever be self sufficient on my own when I do move out, not knowing what it is that I do want for my life, not ever considering why that ever was to be self sufficient or not even at all. Fearing that I have to go back, and if they don’t accept me back, then I will be homeless, and have nothing but to be in my car and live in my car, not knowing why I would ever fear such a thing for not being able to take full 100% responsibility. Because in fact and reality, my parents and my relatives and my teachers and friends and previous girlfriends, never taught me to be self sufficient, I never knew how, I never had the cognition, the ability to know and Understand why that I would ever fear having to move back into my parents house, with them not accepting me. In fact and reality, this is another form and reality of distrust and no honor and respect to trust myself, because I don’t know how to do things on my own. Because no one ever taught me, I never had the inclination to ever think for myself truly and to take care of myself financially, emotionally, to finally reparent myself back to life, when in fact, If I had done that in the past and right now, I would never know what true parenting ever really was. Being taken care of properly and effectively to know how to do things in the best ways possible, when in fact, I was only fearing the distrust of myself of not even knowing how to take responsibility for myself. Even if things would somehow go down the drain with the tidy bowl man, and how I did not realise that I am my own tidy bowl man. Being a man of distrust, being a man of dishonor, being a man of disrespect, being a man of irresponsibility, not ever knowing what will ever happen to me if something were to go wrong in the books, the checking books, accounting books. Not even knowing how to do things so take care of bills and other things and how to pay my taxes, not ever knowing the advantages of taxes and to reduce that and to be able to take care of myself. Because I am imagining in my mind the terror before it happens, because it is predictable, and so distraught like thinking and feeling to so happen distrust myself as if I am actually in real reality distrusting myself in a future event, just because I never knew of what to do to be able to take care of myself. Because my parents never knew for the light and hope of love of day, to be able to take care of me, not ever knowing why I wasn’t being self sufficient, when in fact and reality, I was only being taught to be self sufficient, and irresponsible, and to do the same mistakes within the consequences following up within my mistake that I have caused myself, as missing my own take for that which I was never learned for. It was deluded, it was tarnished, I now know that I am truly not fully 100% responsible of myself, and how I am not paying certain things and not making enough to take responsibility, because I never knew what it was ever like to truly take full 100% responsibility, I always took 50/50 responsibility and irresponsibility. And how sometimes and majority of the time, I would always dissuade myself and deter myself into oblivion as if i knew what I was doing, when in fact, i was operating out of fear, not ever knowing if one second, one hour, one day, one week, one month or even a year. To self sabotage my finances and ruin my financial state and emotional stability will be of instability to not be able to take care of what it is here in reality, when in fact, I don’t know how to take care of myself truly, therefore, I will be anxious about it. Not ever knowing if one day, I myself, will take revenge upon myself, to feel good about putting money into the fire, hoping in love and light for the fire to go out. When in fact, that solution will be burning my own liquidity, as if I needed to wipe myself out, just because of a danger of a miss take of my own awareness and knowledge, that was never there. It was just an unknown fear and anxious like substance of feeling and reality that wasn’t so best for me, and how I thought about it more and more, and made it worse upon myself, as if I knew what was actually here in reality, when in fact, I was only operating out of my mind in anxiousness and fear and lack and limitation. Just because I was not truly aware of me and myself as substance and energy to see, realise, and understand that I am not truly 100% responsible for me, I am in actuality, irresponsible of me, and how I saw my parents not ever knowing how the destruction they were causing to and for themselves, without even knowing why it was ever happening. When they were in fact, were not aware of the atrocious trauma and instability of finances and emotional well being was being tarnished and damaged, without even knowing that they were destroying themselves and potentially wiping themselves out. Not realising that I would be the same one to be wiping myself out, for the worst.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as parents as mother and father, to not realise that we have been abusing our own finances and health to begin with. And how it all added up, due to our distrust and irresponsibility of ourselves and being so drawn and attracted to the Need of energy to put out fires with our own money and supplies. Just because we never knew any other way, but to survive, and if something were to ever happen tragically, to be in the hospital or anything like that. We would end up wiping our own selves out financially and emotionally for the worst. Even when we showed and interpreted and presented our mistakes and never even bothered to fix them, but just to do other things to cope with our pain and instability of our own distrust and irresponsibility and dishonor, and disrespect for true delusional consequences. Not ever questioning why things like that would ever happen, because it is irresponsibility and distrust is ingrained within me as a parent as mother and father.  Not ever considering the fact that I would’ve been and was the actual one to never question and to think about the ramifications and conning my own sequences to my own downfall and my child would see me doing the same thing, and how i would present to my child, in irresponsibility and distrust, and showing that my child will be a deadbeat mother and deadbeat father just like me, not ever considering of how money actually works, how the education system actually works, how to file taxes, how to build a business, how to do basic things, of growing food, taking responsibility for your life, and finances and how to be truly self sufficient. When in fact and reality, we only taught our child and son to be nothing but a deadbeat just like and to distrust himself for the worst. Not ever knowing why the fears of being irresponsible and not trustworthy to the fact that we would always scold him and tell him that he's not self sufficient enough and place and project so much cringing, cringeful and ugly like fear of what may happen to him. When and if our child moves out and is not able to know how to take care of himself financially, nutritionally and mostly importantly, emotionally, and that he may one day ruin and wipe his own self out for the worst. Just like we were so close to doing so, not knowing if we were even able to keep the house, and how we projected that fear of loss and instability into our child, without even saying anything, it was just a mere of survival and pure scarcity, on the edge of the cliff of financially stability, when in fact there was no stability, there was always instability, emotionally and financially. We were so blind to everything, not ever knowing how to provide and teach our son and child to learn what it is like and to be truly self sufficient. Instead we only taught him to be self insufficient, irresponsible, not trust worthy of any merit in life of any kind of caliber at all whatsoever. We only wanted him to be nothing but a slave just like me, a robotic automatic slave, a loser, a deadbeat, an inconceivable loser, that does nothing with his life, just like we never did anything with our lives. And for every spiteful, fear, distrust and dishonor and disrespect for and of fear for manipulation to hold him back and never let him be free, just because we are never in fact, free, we were imprisoning ourselves, just like how our parents had done for 7 generations until now it has been realised that this will come to an end. When and if he ever does realise, when in fact, it is only to our own assumptions and delusions. That for every spiteful manipulation for fear and distraught insults, it is only in fact and reality, the inner workings of the mirror of us, and how we never thought that to ever be. Because in fact, we were never self sufficient, we only showed it in irresponsibility, spending and spending and not watching our finances and not even knowing how to grow it, but to self indulge our son and child to buy all the things he’s ever wanted. And how we did the same thing to ourselves, how our parents did the same thing, not ever realising that they were slowly wiping themselves out as they got older and older, and when it is too late, they lose everything and will never, ever be able to supply and provide for themselves of what of the basic needs of life even are. Food, shelter, care and affection, nutrition, education, learning how to drive a car, how to make and prioritize and manage money and file taxes and/or to even know how to save much more on taxes to create a business. When in fact, we never knew any of those things, because we never knew how to do it properly and effectively to teach it, because we wanted our child to do anything and everything on his own and to never ask for help. Because we never knew how to ask for help, we always did things by ourselves and never asked for help, no one wondered if our child was doing everything on his own and somehow, never succeeded. Just because of our own irresponsibility, our own distrust, our own unworthiness, our own conclusions to what we thought was best, when in fact and reality, it was only our conclusion that to led to many more consequences of our conviction, conning our own victory to wipe our own selves, not ever paying attention to why and how and what we were doing to wipe ourselves out and experience the delusional of the adding up consequences of the very small decisions of our own illusional timeline. Thinking that everything will be okay, when in fact and reality, we will never know if things will ever be okay, if we are not good and okay ourselves. Therefore, we will present and project consequences and the ramifications of our choices and how our results came to be the way it is. And how one day, we will never know if our child will ever be self sufficient, or in fact, to be insufficient and irresponsible and to lose everything. Thinking he has to do it all on his own, just because we did all and Everything and anything on our own, never asking for help, because we were afraid of our own language and english that we would never be able to communicate and present our message clearly and articulately. And that was why we ever did things on our own, not even considering the fact that we were putting our child at a chance and opportunity for failure and ruin and wiping himself and his own finances and emotional stability will go down the drain. For the same thing that we have done, to cause the adding up of the ramifications, ramping up in finite and of the cation of being alongside and beside himself and be beside ourselves when things to go ramp up and for soon to ever to be the consequences will arise from him, as that was who he will and will become. Just because he saw each and everything mistake and consequence of ramping of our finite cations, to soon one day, be alongside and be beside each other ever again, from wiping our own selves out. Not ever questioning why would ever do such a thing, to not notice what we have done to ourselves in incremental and daily decisions that led down to a path of oblivion and true actual ruin for the worst.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself into financial ruin, fearing so much in decision and act of each and everything that I ever do, to fear myself into oblivion, manipulating myself, into ruin and pure utter consequences that will not ever be best for me. Not ever considering the fact that I could learn how to be self sufficient, but I don’t know how to do it, even if  Ii do, I question myself, if I will ever make it out, not knowing if I was even dishonest or not when and fact and reality, I was being dishonest and not truthful with myself. Because I never had the truth of being self sufficient on my own, I had and have the fears and unknown fears and observations from my parents, and how I created most of it on my own, not ever challenging the point of my finances to be wiped out and same with my emotions to break down into ruin and collapsing upon me. When in fact, I would’ve made myself collapse upon and within myself to wipe myself out, in dishonesty, and distrust and unworthiness, into the waters that are deep and dirty of financial ruin and emotional ruin. Because of irresponsibility, and distrust within the individual, who knows no better but to manipulate me and to project and put fear into me to what might happen, when in fact and reality the fucking moron, never taught me, so that was why he was always scared for me. When in fact, he was also scared for himself, because he was also irresponsible and distrusting, and unworthy of his decisions and actions that led out to consequences of his own secret mind to tell me such a thing and to project fear into me. And how he would sometimes call the cops on me to make me stop what I am doing and how that tactic really never works, it was all mainly done by yelling and how it made me so upset and want to hurt this man, who knows no better but to project fear and manipulation onto me and upon me. As if I didn’t know anything, when he never taught me anything and even how to do anything. Because the moron never knew how to do anything himself, because he was just in fact and reality, nothing but a deadbeat loser, who will never make it, and how I found myself to not ever know if I will make it or not. In full dishonesty thinking that I will make it on my own with this fear within me of having to move back into my own parents house. Because I never knew that my parents wiped themselves out and how I would be the one to wipe my own self out too as well. How spiteful and ugly they were to me, how it made me so angry and aggressive and violent towards people who ruined me and as well as ruining themselves as well, to the point and fact that they never truly cared. They only cared for themselves, they never cared for me, and they only wanted to kick me to the curb just like any other child my parents father/mother had done to me multiple times. Just because I never wanted to cooperate with them. When in fact, they were only manipulating and forcing me to do things that I never wanted to do, and how I thought it was not right, it was just forced abuse beyond my own comprehension and imagination. At all whatsoever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as parents to not realise that this whole time, we were teaching our child to learn to wipe himself out one day. Not knowing the ramifications and mistakes that it will cause him emotionally and catastrophically for the worst and absolute potential ruined forever. And how I would never realise that they were showing me their financial mistakes along the way, not realising that I would be the one doing the same thing in emotional instability of my choices and consequences that would and will be the result of the compounding effect of the great negative effect emotionally and financially for oblivion, delusion and illusion for the worst forever. Not knowing when and how I will ever fix things, when fixing things with money will never work, if my emotions are not stable as I would’ve liked them to be at all, whatsoever. And then soon and enough I would’ve been the one to wipe myself out, not ever considering to ever question why they were doing such abuse and damage to my lief, just because they mad the damaging mistakes that compounded over time in blind fate, thinking things will be all okay, if we just worked more hours. Not knowing how to make and create anything of value for ourselves, the people around us, the world, because we never knew what was best, we only did what was not best, therefore, life was never meant to be a smooth sailing way, it was always a struggle for hour, nothing more than but pure abuse for the worst.

When and as I see myself fearing over the fact that I might wipe myself out financially and as well as emotionally, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself promulgating myself I will wipe myself out with my own resources and how I feel in insecurity that they are not of great value and effect to help me, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself trying to accept and allow fear and manipulation from myself and from my parents and/or anyone else, I stop and breathe, I will challenge them immediately with respect and dignity.

When and as I see myself slowly and incrementally going into the direction of what is not best within my finances and my health and my emotional stability along with it, I stop and breathe, and realise what I am doing and redirect to refocus onto what i can that will be best.

When and as I see myself wanting to accept and allow mediocrity from people who don’t know what they're doing and trying to tell me how to manage and prioritize my finances and to grow it, I stop and breathe and ask them if they having a great life so far, and if it isn’t then what is the point of their advice anyway.

When and as I see myself about to take revenge upon myself and/or another on finances, along within the emotional reaction to what may be going wrong, I stop and breathe, for a moment to see the situation in a different light and do what is best for all and for myself.

When and as I see myself fearing and manipulating myself into fear and oblivion to how I might wipe my own self out emotionally, physically and even financially, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself fearing losing everything financially and emotionally, I stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself ahead of myself as urging myself to wipe myself out and blow off everything that I own, I stop and breathe.

When and as  I see myself influencing myself and others to wipe themselves out with what is not best to project onto others as my parents have projected onto me, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself not looking to take 100% responsibility for my life or everything I do and do not do, I stop and breathe, and reevaluate and refocus onto what is best to take full 100% responsibility for what’s for all and myself for the better.

I realise that my parents never truly cared about me, therefore, they ruined themselves into oblivion and so I will be the next one to potentially wipe myself out financially and along with them emotionally. As the foundation of emotions were tarnished and ruined for the worst, not even realising that if I would make it out alive and fathom what life would have really been. When in and fact reality, I was only the one who was nothing but another copy of irresponsibility, just the pair of unstable role models. That never never any better, but to teach me what was not best, and what was not right for me, nor for them, to show me their mistakes and not realising how that would ever impact me on some varying degree in my life, in and at any moment of time that would cause me fear to myself, as my parents, especially my father, projecting manipulation of force and threat and fear to tell me that I won’t make it out financially to take care of myself. When in fact and reality, they never cared for themselves either, and never know how to be self sufficient, but be another cog within the system and live and get by and survive. That was all they were to do, so they in fact were delusional, abusive, threatening to life, and even to my own life, as if I never had a clue of what to do with my own life. Because evidently, I never did know, and how my life is the way it is to be, as if the abuse is feeling and thinking like me as if it was to ever be irreversible and not ever to be forgiven, up until this very moment and time, as  I speak and write this out. And how i felt the tightening of my own chest and the demon of me coming out of me, so angry, so furious, so heart felt of intense anger, to why someone would ever hurt me and destroy me. And someday, I might end up destroying myself, if I had not even forgiven myself as the inner and as the outer, to realise that I never had true self sufficient parents to teach me anything, because i never knew in fact, until the inception of me, to ever know if right now that these people were even best for me. They never knew anything, they only showed me the mistakes, they only showed me the consequences, they only showed me the ramifications if i make the same consequence as I would have done as them. And how has happened in the previous past, going down on sharp spikes and falls and up again in gaining money again and not ever knowing when the next downfall will ever be, due to my own emotional instability and along with the finances of mine as I had seen deliberately from my parents. As they have shown me their own abuse that they have done to themselves, not ever knowing if I would ever end up doing the same thing, just like them, growing up and being blind to the fact that I deep down, will never make it. How sad.

I realise that my parents were only showing me the mistakes that they’ve made, because they didn't want me to make the same, not ever considering that when I was growing up, as they were indulging me with toys and food and fun. And a lot of money being wasted, and not invested into the right areas that would have made us money, but in fact, it was abused and tarnished, and wiped out in an instant when something would come up for a big bill within the credit card usage, not realising that I would be doing the same thing, to not know what true building of credit really is. And how I never cared about money, because I was never taught to create value and in order within that to create money, I was only taught to be nothing but a slave, and copy of failures and deadbeats that have gone into debt, just like they have. And how they never considered me and what I would do as I was growing up, I always say my mom and dad spending so much money on things and food, and personal self interests of food and things. All of the above and much more for what one person or two can really try to self indulge themselves with things that they don’t even need, just because it’s supposed to be some type of ‘necessity’, when in fact, they never needed it. It was all after energy, neglect, lack, limitation, and for the worst of all, the abusive consequence of those choices that compound over time, not ever realising that of the rabbit hole will ever be disrupted at all. That once I was in, I was in, I never knew how to get out, because I was always in fear, always in danger with myself and my parents, with others, I never knew what true confidence was. I only knew what lack of self confidence was, and insecurity, and cowardliness was, and that was all coming from my mom and dad. Such unstable cowards, who never any better for the light of day, they only knew what they knew and could do, therefore, it was the early morning dew of the new abuse, being resurfaced and suppressed and lived ever more as the flesh.

I realised that they only wanted to be overprotective of me, and therefore, the overprotectiveness, led to abuse, led to lack, led to limitation, led to stupidity, led to irresponsibility, led to me distrusting myself, led to me having others distrust me, led to me disempowering my life ever more as they have disempowered me. Within that, I was only blinded to the fact of people who never knew what was best, they were only there and blinded by the fact that they were ruining my foundation as they have ruined theirs 10x’s the effect that it would also have on me. Not ever knowing and considering the fact that I would be experiencing it at some level and degree in my life and how and where and when and what and how why, it has come to be where it is right now as it is. For the worst.

I realise that my whole life I never cared about me, I never cared about anyone, and operating my life on fear and scarcity, and how tragic and catastrophic my life has ended up to where it is right now. And how I am somewhat dismayed, if I Don't take responsibility for what I do and don’t do, as if it was some type of 50/50 type of thing. When in fact, I was taught the 50/50 method, instead of the 100% method and to teach it, to present it, to do it, to do it alongside, but in fact, it was never that way, it was always abused for mediocrity and inferiority for the worst. Never for the better, at all. And how I realise that I never truly cared about my life and finances, and health and relationships, and creation, because I never knew what it is like to create to  provide for myself. I was only ever taught to be dependent and to soon wipe myself out, when and if the situation and occurrence of the event and circumstance will and would ever happen some day.

I realise that I never took 100% responsibility for my life, because I never knew what responsibility was, and how to ever take it, how to manage it, how to lead it, it was always forfeited and tarnished and abused. It was never thought of the consequences that it would bring me, if I weren’t taught the right way, it was only taught to me as abuse and for what was not so best for me at all, whatsoever. No one ever cared me, so I never cared, ever since.

I also realised that no one else around me ever took 100% responsibility for their life, good or bad,  ugly or beautiful, atrocious or not, delightful or not. And how I came to not take full 100% responsibility, but to do it half the time, and sometimes never at all, even the 50/50 concept was derived all from my parents, each and every one of it, and from other people as well. And how I never noticed how I was witnessing abuse all around me, without even knowing what I was seeing, but my own view and perception of life, like a blinded little kid, not knowing why things ever the way they were.

I realised that my parents never cared and always abused me, so I also, never cared and also abused myself and my opportunities, and especially everything in my life. And to abuse myself by being in my head, all day long, financially broke, emotionally broke, basic needs broke, everything tarnished for the worst.

I commit myself to understand how to take on more responsibility effectively, step by step, breath by breath from other people who are credible and take full 100% responsibility of what they do and don’t do. And to notice the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th order in sequence of the consequence, before it happens of them trying to con themselves, and stop themselves right then and there and take directive principle as life and direct their life, as how I would do the same to a developing and scaling degree of getting better and better each and every time for the better. And to take 100% responsibility and take action as like it becomes more and more like breathing for me and encourage others to do the same, because there is always something to do and create value and money along with it. To help all life forms and all life of living human beings, just like you and I for the better. For as I see myself, as life and life resonate in awareness and ini reality to improve and adapt for the better, within living the self correction changes as LIFE!

I commit myself to understand and know how to manage and prioritize my finances and get help and support from the right people who know what they’re doing and how they can help me ultimately manage my finances. File my taxes for me and how money actually works to make it grow more and more and encourage others to do the same, to do what is best, and realise what they have been doing if it was best or not at all. And to make a different decision that is best and to keep it consistent for super success! Within that, to learn how to scale and manage and hire people in certain areas of my life and business, such as sales, a personal assistant, accounting, law department, and much more to handle things within the business, so there can be much more effectiveness and results within the corporation for the better. To be creative, innovative and to improve and adapt for the better, for as i see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better, within living the self corrective application change as LIFE!

I commit myself to understand how to take care of myself more and more effectively and to get help within it as when needed and permitted to go further and further each and every time to take much more responsibility in my life. Within my finances, my own place, my business, other facets of my life and how I can take care of my own family as well, and to help my kids and my wife, together to understand how to teach our kids effectively as they are growing up with explanation. And helping them understand with common sense and practicality and of stability as well, and how they can really see and understand how things work, within creation, money, and how to be self sufficient and educated along the way as they are growing up in their life for the better. For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better, within living the self corrective application change as LIFE!

I commit myself to be aware of the things that will and may stimulate my children and myself and my wife, that those things are there for a reason to stimulate to get to have and use, when in fact it is not best for them. Because I knew it was impulsing me at the time, when I saw it, but I never actually really wanted it, I just ate some of the things, because I was hungry, nothing much of anything else, that I was ever interested in. so I will help my kids and my wife as well to understand to buy things that are best for them through the grocery stores that are not so stimulating for kids, and even as well as ourselves, to buy things that are essential and useful, and not just something that isn’t best and to explain with stability and common sense with the proper effective context. And why and how things are to be made sense with for the better, for as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better, within living the self corrective application change as LIFE!

I commit myself to challenge those people who try to abuse life and who try to hurt others just because they weren’t self sufficient and stable themselves, doesn’t mean they should be abusing others. And to not ever accept the status quo, that it should always be for what is best, and not the other way around for mediocrity and inferiority, it should be for what is best and one and equal to and for all for the better. To challenge those with respect and dignity and integrity, out of honesty and care and common sense, and if the situation warrants me to say something, then i will, regardless of what is said, to do it with respect and dignity for the other person as life. For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better, within living the self corrective application change as LIFE!

I commit myself to take score of what I do within my business and in my life, and how it will add up over time and to take care of what is here within the business and life itself. To see where things need to be scaled and consistent within the right areas of business and life. Finances, health, account receivables, revenue, debt to be paid off, taxes, billings of certain services and products, and much more to keep in mind and lead others to help me as I will help and lead them as well for the better. For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better, within living the self corrective application change as LIFE!

I commit myself to write self forgiveness to forgive myself of what is not best within me, and how it has been affecting my life in some way and degree, and within the breathing statements to stop and breathe if and when a reaction were to ever come up. To stop and breathe and take self directive principle as life, and within that to write self realisation statements to realise what is not best within me that I had reacted to and have reacted to that wasn’t in my best interest, nor was it for the other person as well. Within that, I commit myself to write self commitment statements to self corrective application as the inner change as the outer change and taking action as it is to become just like breathing. As well as using the tools of TechnoTutor, self forgiveness and self corrective application writing and physical action. And the support groups and support given and received for what is best for all to come along with me to create value and to do what is best for all, for me, around us, and for the world for the better. For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better, within living the self corrective application change as LIFE!