Sitting on my ass and idle time(Read Aloud And Breathe)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the longer I sit on my ass in idle time, as if I am hoping for something and for myself to ever pull the trigger, by taking the first step. And realise that I have put myself within a trance, not knowing that I did, and how the sequences have messed up my mind and how and what I am going to do next, and how I am just trying to lead myself into a different direction that isn’t going to suit me in the best ways possible. But I do it anyway, because of the automatic pattern that I just merely accept and allow in quantum time, not realising whatI had done, to go within and without and on the well run path, that I have always been doing, no matter how hard I am attempting and trying to get something done. I always end up looking to attempt myself in a distraction mode, and hope for more distraction and instant gratification just because I am avoiding my own pain that I am giving myself as abuse. As abuse for distraction for what is not here within reality, and how the screen and a particular color and light of way is going to lead me into a different direction, when it is not in reality of actual productivity. And having to work like a dog at something, until it gets finished, somehow, I end up forgetting and being within the mind way too much as if I am not paying attention to what I am wanting to do that I have set out for myself. And that the more I do that, I am ever losing my self trust into no man’s land, where no one gets anything, and for those who have, get to have more, and how I am leading myself into the rest of the pack of the have nots. And how it has been that way for quite some time, and even at random times, when I didn’t realise, this was also coming back to me from childhood. And how my dad would always leave me at home and same with my mom, and how I would be watching tv all day and be within my mind and watch tv all day and sit on my ass in hope, not knowing when the next thing will come, until my parents came home. And I ate the food he bought or either cooked, and how I was just left there to be alone and be alone within My mind, as if no one was there, I had no friends, I had no one, but me, and that was it. I never knew what true reality actually was, because I only accepted and allowed it to be, for so long and for such a long time, since elementary school, not realising that i was being left home alone, with no one to talk with and have fun with doing something cool. Instead that was never the fact, it was only something of mere fantasy, as if life was already for me, but I was never there for my life, I was only left to be there for within my mind and nonetheless, I never got anything to be with anybody at all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that when I left my son and child at home all day, while I was at work and never came back for him, and never knew when he was home. Because I never taught him to call me, when he was home, I never trusted him, I never trusted myself, I never trusted him being by himself, eventually, he would always be at home doing nothing. Just watching tv and programming himself with these Simpsons shows and the family guy shows and many other tv shows that weren’t really that positive to me. But it was teaching him what and how people do things on a daily basis and never take responsibility, and how that was making him do the same thing, without even his true knowledge. It was only helping him deviate from what was actually here in reality, as it was here the whole time, he and I were just too blind to the fact that it was here the whole time. And how much time we have wasted and made time for ourselves and wasted breath from ourselves to be against us, when in fact, we were in a trance, just going against ourselves, as if we didn’t know we were actually doing so. And soon enough or later, I eventually led him to his neighbor’s home and be baby-sitted over there and taken care of, while I knew, he was only being in a trance and being so alone and home alone with no one to talk to. And just sitting on his ass and being in idle time all day long, as if reality wasn’t here and how productivity was never even a thing, and what it even truly and actually meant to be for. And how things and reality should and actually work. When in fact, he actually had no purpose for his life, nor did I, I only wanted him to be the same way as I had my life to be set up in this very way and sense. When my purpose never made sense, I only made him want to do what I wanted to do, just in a different light that would never serve him. As i never served myself in the best ways possible, because I never did and knew how, therefore, I never knew how to teach my son and child to do the same, I only let him be within his mind, hoping and being in a trance, as if something is going to change within him and his environment, when in reality his environment was shit, same like mine. Not realising how bad my future and health was going to end up either, not ever realising how lazy he would get, because I showed that way of doing and character as well, as a mere living lie, of no purpose, no nothing. Nothing of actual creative value to be created, because I never knew anything and never knew what to do for my life, I only ever made it in complacency and latency and of course, in an incompetent state. And how my son and child has ended up to where he is right now, and not just him, it was me as well. I never knew how to educate my child, I never knew what productivity and having a true purpose was. I never knew what it was, when in fact, I had no purpose, I only made it to make money and get by to make enough to survive and provide, not knowing when my business would ever shut down due to rents and not enough customers wanting my service and product. Not ever knowing when the next thing will come out of the sky and hit me on the day, and say Hallelujah, my prayers have been answered, as if there was an actual thing to be. When in fact, I was only ever more in idle time, and never did anything to expand my business, do anything else, learn anything else, because in fact, I never knew how, I never did, and never will. Now I don’t have anything to support and provide for my family, just because I don’t know my next thing, and my next and actual true purpose to achieve for, that could’ve been best for me and best for all. Instead that was never the actual fact, it was a mere delusional lie, that I’ve always believed, that sitting on my ass and doing it idle time, and having way too much of it. Not realising what I can do to improve myself and my business that i had at the time and how I don’t have anything now for myself. Because I never knew what having a true purpose, truly eve is, because it was always helping my family, and only doing to hurt myself, with the drugs and alcohol, and how it influenced my child to do the same and go out to parties and drink and smoke and do all the above. As if purpose was never even a thing within my vocabulary and even mines as well, because in fact and reality, it was always limited. Not knowing if having a true purpose was even a thing, it was only for me as a definition to do enough to get by and sit on my ass and be in idle time later in my life. Wanting to ‘retire’, like a loser, a deadbeat loser, who’s on drugs, alcohol, and doing nothing with my life, because I don’t know what I want to do with my life, so I end up being at the computer all day and sometimes going out to smoke. Just because I am feeling so so so so so soooo ‘stressed’, when in fact, I am only doing nothing and distracting myself to be in and within the trance of no purpose and sitting on my butt and doing nothing as if I don’t know what the next thing is that I am going to do. Because I thought there was nothing to do, and how things are always boring and how there is nothing to actually do, my life is a mess, my son and child’s life is a mess, he doesn’t do anything with his life, in my own assumption. Because in reality,I am doing the same, but of no true purpose, so I never taught myself that, no one else taught me that, I only made something for myself to open up a business and have things of my own. Not knowing how to pay off my debts, my taxes, the people that I owed money on supplies, not knowing when the next payment will come. Not knowing when the next customer will come, because I have no fortitude and purpose, because I only enjoyed sitting on my ass and being in idle time, as if life was never here for me. I only ever made it worse for me, while distracting myself and being within my own suppressed and painful trance, and to avoid responsibility, to take care of things that should’ve been taken care of, not knowing how to do it, and leaving it off as if it didn’t matter. For what should’ve been taken care of. Instead it was neglected, like I neglected myself, I neglected my son and child, I neglected my life, I neglected my reality, I neglected my responsibility, I neglected my health, I neglected my customers, I neglected my own self interest. To only do it for my own self interest, and waited for others to COME to ME, when in fact, I could’ve done things much more differently, but I never could, because I was so toxic within my emotions and instability, and within the drugs as well. Not knowing if there was even a way out, even if I was actually healthy or not to make things go for more. And finally to sell everything and finally want to retire and do nothing with my life, because my purpose is of no purpose at all whatsoever, even if it is subtle to not realise. And how much pain and anguish of boredom that I am causing myself to be in a trance and doing nothing and leading myself down a wrong path to what is not best for me, not best for my son, not best for my wife. Not best for anyone, at all whatsoever. No purpose to be made, nothing ever to be made for the better, it was always for neglect, and inaction and idle time. Just leading myself into and onto the wrong direction and path to destruction for what I had set out for myself was going to be thwarted into oblivion and illusion for the worst.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a decision and not realise where it would even lead me down a path that was already worn before, and not knowing that that path is still there within me and how I perceive it subconsciously and unconsciously to the conscious act. As if the pain of the real responsibility was to be avoided and distracted was better to ease the pain away, and do nothing about it to ever take actual real responsibility here in the moment and here in the present moment. And not so much within my mind, because it is so limited being inside and walking around, and eventually sitting down and laying down and going to sleep with the trance and idle distractions to ease the pain away. As if distraction is good, when my starting point of distraction was to avoid pain, and do things of what other people did, because they ALSO wanted to avoid pain, because guess fucking what?!, THEY NEVER HAD A FUCKING PURPOSE EITHER. Funny isn’t it?, because I never did, to realise what I am doing, and what I doing it for, when in reality, my purpose was doing what I was doing, and it was purposeful, it wasn’t specific, it wasn’t for what's best for me, it wasn’t what’s best for my life, what I wanted to do to make it meaningful. I never had any of that, it was never to be sought for, was never to be actually conjured into something that could’ve been meaningful, because I had such a low vocabulary, that my life was never meaningful, I was pretty smart, but brainwashed, for the starting point of doing things with others and doing things in idle like trance times, and doing it so long, that it is ingrained within me and how it feels as if it will never stop and how powerful it is and how hard it is to let go. When in fact, and reality, I am just afraid of taking the responsibility to lead myself into what is best for me, even when I do see myself still sleeping in, not being consistent with it, just because there is nothing to do in the morning and how there is no purpose for me to go after. Because I had no purpose to go after within the morning, so I end up going back to sleep and how my day is just being dreaded to how tired I am and how there isn’t an actual real true focus for myself and for what i want to do with my life. I do have a purpose, but I am only ever thwarting it into the wrong direction that I did not set out for myself and not growing my particular position to where I ought to be going and doing within my position and where I am in my life. No matter big or small, no moving or not, no matter planning or not, and not doing anything about it with a tactful decision to see where this can truly go for the better. Instead it was never that way, it was always neglected and how responsibility was always taken for granted and left it to chance, not knowing when the next chance will come, when in fact, that next chance and decision comes from me, no one else, it all starts with me. Not knowing and realising that I should’ve been taking responsibility for a while now, but instead, it was all for irresponsibility and derived into oblivion and delusion and illusion of my own mind and decision making. As if one thing comes, and what I wanted to do and how it’s so subtle but the distracting decision and path is leading me down with my will within and without in me and without me as a participant in delusion. And how I think taking responsibility was actually doing irresponsibility, and it was never to be that way, but I only accepted and allowed it to be that way, because I never knew myself, nor did anyone explain it to me, I was never around with people who took responsibility for themselves. They only made things ever so difficult for themselves, and made it even worse, as if life and breath was to be walked to something of real value and meaning. Instead it was never that way to begin with, because in actuality, the starting point of responsibility was fucked, and was retargeted and directed automatically without even knowing why we do what we do and the decisions and how our minds fuck with us. Not knowing if we will make the right decision, because I never had the actual self trust and fortitude of myself, I never had it, my parents never had it, the people I knew and friends, never had it. They were all losers just like me, even my parents were losers. Broke losers, and so i was i and still am to a certain degree. Not knowing if my reality was ever going to change, even if i questioned it. I was still in a box, questioning the box, and still in the box, and doing something with meaning, because in fact and actual reality, my words within me as the flesh and resonance, do not have meaning, they never did, and never did ever since. No wonder I have been thwarting my life and my decisions and leaving it to dance, instead of being actually consistent with myself, even when the strands and strings of my being within me are trying to deter me. When in fact, I did not overcome it, because it felt ever so the same, and never were changed ever since, and how I was only a demon to be that was always within the mind and staring at the ground, as if there was something there. When in fact and reality, no one helped me overcome anything, I had to do it all by myself, and time and time again, I fell and fell again, not knowing what it is like to overcome and participate for the right purpose that actually has real meaning and consistency. Instead it was always for inconsistency and irresponsibility, to avoid pain and not taking the first step, for all of the fear to go away. Instead it was always neglected and thwarted into oblivion of delusion and my own ILLusion for the worst. Because I was ever avoiding pain, when in fact, I was only making it up, to resolve it to pain, because I had so much fun deluding myself, instead of having fun with a meaningful purpose. Because in fact, and reality, I never had a meaningful purpose, nor a purpose, as well.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go do a decision that makes me want to distract myself from actually taking responsibility and for what and where this will lead me to. Not realising how instantaneous it is, not realising how automatic it is, within the string and strands within me of electrical impulses that will lead me at any moment and time to want to waste a minute, 10 minutes, 30, 40, an hour, or more, into something that doesn’t serve me to realise for my own growth and my business and my life. And how I am actually ever distracting myself so easily and so subtly, as if it didn’t even matter and how much time and subtle breath by breath that I am wasting for myself and within myself internally, and subtly as if it just by and nothing was going to be on the bath but to take the derailed path into oblivion. And how strong this is, and how I never overcame this pattern for so many years, because I only fed it to not take responsibility. Because it was not within me as the flesh and certainty of my being as my living word. I only ever lived, complacency, latency, irresponsibility, and of no true purpose within any of those, because I was only living them, from my parents and how I am only in actuality, operating ever more on my foundation. And my subconscious creation and foundation along the way, not ever knowing what true actual productivity and purpose really is. Even when I do go into something of and on social media, a video on youtube, an article, somewhere in my life to get food, and be on my phone all day, and be around a place. And lounge around and do nothing and have no purpose of why I am in where I am, and what my environment is consisting of and what it can be used for, instead I always neglected it, because I neglected my responsibility. Because I never had responsibility. It was never within me, even being still and not doing anything as my books haven’t been read, articles haven’t been read, certain videos that will help me advance that are of actual value haven’t been listened to. No matter what it is, even if it is not part of my business and how it can help me, it is just a mere distraction. And funny how I talk and other people talk about distraction and other things that aren’t part of your business, thy do those things, not knowing that they are lying to themselves, no matter who the fuck it is. People who say that, are deluding themselves, like I did, and how I never know why the sequences of my own decisions have led me to where I am today, in very small subtle stepping movements, breath by breath, ever so subtle. Not knowing what I am doing next distracts me when I have so much precious time to use, when it is being wasted and neglected within irresponsibility and noises of others and around me, no matter if it is me distracting myself. No matter if it is my parents cooking, washing the dishes, no matter if it is my wife, my husband washing the dishes, and making so much noises and how loud and clunky it is. Because in reality and fact, it is all about the environment and how and what we took on as an acceptance and allowance for disaster and irresponsibility and for no purpose to be ever fulfilled. And when the time comes to retire, at least, less at most, likely if we have no ‘purpose’, then we will want to retire and do stupid shit, and do nothing with our lives and never have fun and build things with others and with ourselves. And developing much more of the self trust that we never had, and for the first time, or even so, we and I can finally see what it is that was meant to be from the starting point, but the starting point was fucked. Because of environment and what we accepted and allowed, and now that I realise this I can finally catch myself before I do something that will fuck me into the wrong direction, and if I don’t stop myself any further, I am only ever leading myself down a path to oblivion, and there will be no turning back, if I don’t realise it now.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself so easily, not realizing how strong it is to feed the distraction and never overcome it so easily, because it has been so ingrained within me for so long. That no one was ever for me to realise what I was doing that was such an automatic pattern and was within me as the flesh and the living word of irresponsibility along with no purpose, that had no meaning, so it was no purpose with no meaning. And things never surfaced into the light for what could’ve been possible, because I have suppressed it for so long, not knowing when I would ever get out and notice my own trance and irresponsibility. That I never took for myself, because in fact and reality, I never had it within me, my friends, my family, my parents, my previous girlfriend(s) they never had it, because in fact, they were losers, just like me. Not knowing that all the people I was around and was with, never had a meaningful purpose, they were losers, so I of course became the next loser, and was never an actual winner, I was never made a winner with others. I was always excluded, and then soon enough, I excluded myself and distraction became a part of my life, no matter how subtle and small or big or even medium it is. No matter what it is, no matter what it was, no matter what my aspirations were when I finally woke up to do what I wanted, I was still sleep walking within my own trance, as if I never knew what it actually was. Because in fact and reality, I could never fathom it, no matter big of things that I wanted to achieve, I didn’t have the right education, nutrition and relationships, never and nothing ever of it. It was never within me, and it was never for me, until I realised I had to drop it and give it up and do something else that was of worthiness. But I never knew what actual worthiness and merit of actual purpose really was, in fact, I never had meaning for my life, no wonder I was sitting around and doing nothing and being within my head and mind my whole life. Because in fact and reality, my parents and friends and everyone i ever knew, did the same thing too, it was no different, it was to all varying degrees. So many slaves, I mean workers, were all delusional, even i was, a delusional slave, just like the rest. Wow.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I have no purpose even when i do wake up to my alarm and how loud and bright it is, that I have to unconsciously say to myself that there is nothing to do that is of meaning and purpose in the morning and have to go back to sleep. As if there will be nothing and time wasted and a cloudy mind that will last throughout the day, and no matter what I want to do and how hard I try to stay focused, a cloudy mind, is a distracted mind in trance. Not realising how bad it would affect me, and how my results and rest of the things that I have are yet to be started and completed, a book, an article, a conversation for business, friendship, intimacy, making the actual plan to be serious with myself, and how I never was serious for so many years of my life, since I was so so so so such a young kid. And how ingrained this was within me and how I never stopped it within me, because it was so ingrained and I accepted and allowed it to be, and made it ever so so so so strong, not knowing where it even came from. And how intense, of this personal man made unconscious subconscious demon that made and birthed within me to live within me for years, not realising that reality was always here, and has always been here, i was just ever so blind to it, not knowing when the next moment will be for me to realise to finally wake up. When in fact, I was only trying to do it with mind power, when in fact and reality, my mind power was at a limit, of limitation and lack and complacency of my own incompetence, not knowing if there was a thing of being truly purposeful and having a true meaning to it that was to be actually of a true meaningful purpose. Instead, there was no meaning to it, nothing at all whatsoever, it was dead, it was always dead, no matter how hard I tried to bring it up and out of me and how others pushed me to do the same, but it was so hard to bring up and out of me. Because other were also complacent as well, and didn’t know how to do it, they only influenced me by mind power and to use my mind to do it, and force myself, when I always fell back into my patterns of how strong the strands and strings of my being were so strong of the electrical pulses that always pulled and revered me back into oblivion and how it had meaning to the strands and strings within me. It was always ever so difficult to realise, because I could never actually fathom it. Nobody knew how, so I never knew how, ever since, my other friends stopped doing what was getting them a purposeful meaning of life, I did the same, and it was no different. It was all predictable, because of the people we were around growing up and now to accept and allow our own creation to abusing reality and our own breath to distraction. Was always for the worst. It was always predictable, and guess what, there was no turning back, once it was accepted and allowed, because it was never addressed and brought attention. Because in fact and reality, our parents, and friends, and relatives, never had it within them either, so we and I had to do the same just like them, to not ever question, challenge if necessary, to see why and what and how, when and who, and where their complacency came from, because they never knew either. So we never questioned it at all whatsoever.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself and also influence my friend as well to do the same thing without even both of us questioning why we’re doing what we’re doing and how it is not of actual purpose. It was only for distraction and mere complacency, no matter how subtle it is to be, no matter how hard it is to be, no matter how hard we tried to redirect ourselves into what we wanted to do. Instead we made an excuse to say that this is too hard, when in fact, we only made the excuse because we couldn’t do it, and didn’t want to move and go forward with what was best for us in and at the moment. We only wanted to do what was best for the distraction, and for no purpose for an actual productive result to be sought for at all whatsoever. And how we just both decided to make an excuse and agree to the same thing and never challenged each other on one of each other was doing just to do something that was much more easier, even though we got better at what we were doing. And how in reality, we didn’t know that we were derailing ourselves from our focus to what was even at hand at all whatsoever. Nothing was focused, no responsibility was taken, no purpose with meaning was taken, because there was no meaning, because our words and the definitions we had to them were just assumptions and to what we thought they were and meant. When in fact it was assumed definitions of what we wanted to do, just because of and for the power of distraction and how hard it is to overcome, until it was realised right up until this very actual moment.
When and as I see myself wanting to distract myself and not take responsibility even if it is a minute of something, it will lead me down a path into oblivion for the worst, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself wanting to distract myself so subtly easily and not challenge what I am doing and attempting myself to do so quickly in the moment as the urge comes up to make myself do something that isn’t even of merit, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself reading and wanting to have the subtle sudden urge to want to put it down, just because I think I’ve had enough, and how I am doing it such a random time of the day, and doing what I had set out for myself during the day, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself wanting to distract myself for something so subtle and of what is within the environment and how there isn’t of any focus, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself having the urge to not want to focus on what I am doing and want to go immediately and in instant to social media, to distract myself, a video, an article of anything from what I am doing, that seems to be important, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself accepting and allowing and agreeing with another person or whomever it is, to distract myself to and from something that isn’t pertaining to what we have and we’re doing, I stop and breathe, and redirect to what was at hand step by step and breath by breath.
When and as I see myself being too idle and having way way way wayy too much time idleness and not knowing my next steps and goals and objectives to achieve, I stop and breathe and figure them in the moment, by paper and the steps to get there and with help as well depending on the situation and do it anyway.
When and as I see myself going in the wrong direction that is leading me down to a path of distraction and oblivion, I stop and breathe and redirect to what was supposed to be at hand and finish it all the way through, no matter what and improve and adapt within the situation and moment, and opportunity and event and circumstance within the person or no person.
When and as I see myself attempting to be within and in the trance and distraction of the trance of any moment and time ,meeting or no meeting, task or no task, could be anything and be aware of it, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself not knowing what to do within my environment to be productive and see what I can do and conjure somethings up and what I can do to take advantage of what I am doing and make it the best, I stop and breathe, and figure what to do that is of a productive focused effort result to get and make it the best and focus on it until it is completed in the best way possible.
When and as I see myself, not wanting and urging myself to have some type of purpose that is meaningful and all figured out to know what to do next, I stop and breathe and consider the points and write them out and do so to get me closer to where I want to go and act upon them.
When and as I see myself urging myself to act as a consumer and buy something that isn’t of worthiness to help me, and to want to suffuse and fuse my distraction towards it to lead me down a path to nothing, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself participating in a thought that doesn’t serve me best and how it is trying to dis-tract me, I stop and breathe.
I realise that trying to distract myself is only another way of acting like a consumer to my own distractions as if they are actually even serving me, and how the starting point was only to avoid responsibility and live the living words irresponsibility, complacency, and latency. As if it didn’t bother to exist at all. Even when I am sitting weird in my chair, walking around and not doing anything, being within my head as if there is something in there, when reality is here and nowhere else. And how I am only fueling the distractions above the fireplace and camp fire out in the mid, with a standing sign, saying ‘stand in front of this distraction to be warm’, and how I found myself in the past and even recently wanting to stand in front of it and be distracted, because it feels safe and warm and cozy, and soon enough. If I stay there ever longer, I am going to enjoy the distraction ever more, sitting in one place, until the fire goes out and realise how much time I have wasted to wait for the fire to go out of the distraction. And how it took me nowhere, and how I Took myself nowhere, unconsciously and subconsciously just because I wanted to be ‘safe’, ‘warm’, ‘cozy’, and ultimately, ‘Distracted’ for the worst. As if I am just having so many fuel cans and bottles to pour more fuel into the distracting fire, and soon to watch time burn away, as if it never even existed, when in reality, I am also wasting valuable breath and focused effort to be on the thing that isn’t best for me, without even knowing that if it is not best for me at all. When in fact, I never had a purpose, no wonder I went to the fuel and sat there and built more fire of distraction and took more cans and bottles of fuel to pour into the fire and let it keep burning and staying in front of it, just be to more warm and cozy and being near it every now and then, or even all the time. As if fire is even helping me, when in fact, it is not, I am only accepting and allowing myself to sit in front of the fireplace out in the mid, of my mind, to want to be warm and cozy. And achieve nothing, because sitting in front of it, is another form and reality of being in a trance, and distracting myself of the bright flames and how beautiful the distraction is that I am accepting and allowing and causing for myself. Without even questioning why I am walking towards the fire to be warm, when I could be out hunting for wood and food and water. When in fact, I am too busy distracting myself of doing nothing but sitting there where the sign says, ‘sit here and do nothing, if you have no purpose’. And evidently, and obviously, i sat there at the fire, and did absolutely, fucking, Nothing. Wow, for so many years, being within this trance from how I was left at home and was never brought attention to what I was doing. Because no one, and not even me, had my own best interest at heart, because everyone else cared about themselves, nor did anyone teach me how to Care about myself. So i thought to myself, why should I care?, if no one else cares, and accepted and allowed mediocrity into my life, and truly did nothing to take responsibility and have some type of purpose, other than just sitting on my ass all day, in front of a computer, and watching tv, and eating and doing nothing else BUT that. And that was it, and how long it has been lasting for so many years, for me to sit in front of the fire and doing nothing about my situation, no matter how bad of the situation that i was in, emotional stability was gone and out the window, financial stability, was never there, it was always neglected and never brought attention to. Because my parents as well, never had emotional stability, nor financial stability either, no one had focus, no one had purpose, no one had meaning to their life, nor did i, nor did my friends, nor did my previous girlfriends did either, they were all losers, and so was I. and how hard it was for me to realise that, because I was ever so comfortable in sitting in front of the fire with no supplies to live and know what life was truly about and truly build something that has meaning and purpose for the better.
I realise that trying to distract myself into social media, and doing anything else, and other things and checking on my phone and other things as well, as if someone is there to talk to me, and talk with me, sent me a notification, whatever it was, checking the tv if something cool was on, any cool videos, that were way too long. And that wasn’t even serving me, it was only programming me to distract myself even further, and fuel the fire and standing in front of the fire and sat on the ground and eventually laid down, and went to sleep, like a loser.
I realise that my parents, my friends, the previous people in all of my life were all losers, and never had a meaningful purpose, no matter who they are, and no matter where they are in their lives, they are losers just like me, unstable and not having the best life they could’ve had, and how I didn’t either. And how we all left it to chance, and left it to distractions and how we wanted to be cozy and warm and soon to die and waste a life of chance and distraction, instead of living it with purpose and actual meaning for our lives. It was just never that way at all, no one cared, nor did I, and the more I didn’t carer, the more I distracted myself, into oblivion and delusion and ILL(lose)(shun)usion, and shunning my own purpose and future to chance, because I had no purpose, and direction in life, and it had No meaning at all whatsoever, because I never gave it meaning. Because the words I lived, had no meaning, they were for distraction and oblivion. It went for a while, and many years, beyond belief, to be this way, nothing ever changed for real. Nothing ever was for real meaning, nothing ever was for true purpose and direction and meaning, nothing was ever supported, nothing was directed and brought attention to, nothing was eve challenged, nothing was ever taught, nothing ever had an expectation that was healthy and support for it, it was all neglected, due to poor education, poor environments, poor emotional stability, and along with finances and money. It was a poor education of knowledge and it was never used, no books at home, no nothing, just a tv, and a couple phone books to buy random shit. Food, and sometimes barely, any food, going to the fridge every now and then, going to sleep every now and then, going on my phone every now then, checking notifications on other networks if anyone said anything, no matter what it is and was, and did EVERY NOW AND THEN. just for coziness and distraction in front of the fire as if the fire will help me conjure a purpose, when in reality, it was only distracting me ever more than I have ever thought, because I never had a thought of how bad I was distracting myself. It felt so comfortable, so nice, so warm, so cozy, being in oblivion, as if it did actually mattered, when it didn’t, I only let it be there ever more and soon to never realise up until now, how shitty my life is. No matter how stable I am becoming, I need to realise this now in self honesty, instead of self DIS-Honesty. Dissing myself and my own self, like the people I knew also dissed their own honesty as well, and never did anything about it, no one questioned, no one challenged it, if necessary. No one said anything, no one brought it to attention, no one cared, I didn’t care, no one bothered to Say Anything, nothing at all. Nobody bothered, because everyone and including me as myself, never questioned, to say anything, nor did I question it, no wonder I am in the situation that I am. To finally say, I am really not that serious with my life. Through all the conned sequences of my own conned consequences, that didn’t have an actual true meaning and purpose to what I wanted to do, because I never knew, nor did anyone either. It was just accepted the way it is and the way it was, and was to Always be that way, and never question authority and challenge the morons as well to see why they accepted and allowed such a thing, and how I never did any of that as well, and only accepted and allowed it to be that way and have it no other way in complacency and latency and be incompetent about it, no matter what anyone said, or mentioned, in a video, post or not, even in real life.
I realise that just using the tools of TechnoTutor and Self forgiveness and self corrective application, is not enough, I have to go act and participate in reality and do something and have meaning and purpose towards each and every thing that I do, no matter what it is. It must be used to help me in reality change as I have changed within and without in my reality, as it is and to go and overcome what I had forgiven inside. Instead I realised in the past, I did nothing with it, and how I just left it to be there and did nothing else, but more in my mind and be as if something would fly out of the air and lay in my lap for me to take. When in fact and reality, reality does not work that way, I have to physically act and be a physical participant and be serious with myself and how what I want is what I want in my life to change for the better. And how now that I’ve realised this, distraction that has been going on for YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS ON END, and no matter how hard I tried, I would always revert back to the old pattern because it was ingrained within me, no matter how bad I wanted to change, it just never worried, up until right now, of me realising this and to see what I can do to change for the better.
I realised that years on end, I was going from thing to thing, being distracted and not seeing what was best for me, because I never had purpose and meaning for what I had for my life, because I never knew what Purpose Really Actually Even Was. Nothing at all whatsoever.
I realised that I never had the fortitude and determination within me to achieve what I wanted, when my environment and my mind and education was at a limitation, nothing was ever for the better for me, no matter how big or small, I would usually let fear set in and sit with it. And never overcome it, because I never knew how, and was afraid of what people might say and/or would say, because I was afraid of distracting myself to show and present what I cared about, when in fact, I more I distracted myself to what I cared about to fear, I never did anything about it, ad laid back and went home. That went on for so many years, nothing ever changed, nothing was ever challenged and brought to attention, nothing was ever supported for what I wanted to do, I never knew how to go on when things were getting hard, when in fact and reality, I was only making it difficult and hard for me and for what I accepted and allowed from others. When they easily gave up and wanted to distract themselves and sit on their ass and be idle in doing nothing as if going after something was simple. But what set in my mind wasn’t simple to me, because I thought everyone and everything and even myself was difficult, when in fact, things in life are All simple. I just didn’t have the actual understanding to make things and creation and participation actually simple and go for it, no matter what and keep it truly consistent.
I realise that sitting on my ass and idle time away, will never serve me, just because I want to be complacent and incompetent in my ways, because of this being so ingrained in me for so many darns years on end, not knowing what I wanted was ever going to turn out for the better. As if I was seeing myself with full on focus and determination to achieve what I wanted with ruthlessness within my mind and to go for it, no matter what, and to do what is best to achieve and help others. But that was never the actual starting point, because my actions and my mindset never showed that fortitude and actual living of that word along with purpose, because I never had it within me, nor was I serious with myself, nor was anyone serious with me at all whatsoever.
I realise that being in idle time and not having a purpose for myself in full focus and Actual Fortitude is being lazy and creating something that is of value and betterment to myself, I am only actually ever hurting myself if I am ever deluding myself and distracting myself to idle around and do nothing and be around other others who have no best interest in me, because I never had it within me, nor did they, so now that I realise this, I can really realise and define what and who I can and will truly become for the better!
I realise that distracting myself for moments and many many many many many many many actual moments is another form and complacency, because the purpose is not being met and how I am only idling myself into what is of no actual Real Result. And how it is not focused effort, it is not results, it is not accomplishment, it is just being busy and doing activity to fuel the fire of distraction, that is it, no more than that, and how I never realised this, for so many years. Because it has been suppressed and repressed for so many years on end, and being within the mind and my mind and others minds as if life wasn’t already here in quantum physical reality.
I realise that being more and more within my mind and distracted by how nothing is here in reality, when reality was and is always here, and now I realise that, I can truly realise more and achieve much more than ever beyond belief.
I commit myself and live my purpose and develop and envelop meaning and drive and determination and fortitude and to live these words, step by step, breath by breath, in focus and focused effort on all that I do. And realise the distractions, before they come and direct myself as a directive principle as an absolutely individual as here as substance as physical, as physical participation and certainty in what I do, know and use to do for the better. For as I see myself as life here in reality, and as awareness and seeing where I want to go for the present and next logical step within and towards the future goal and objective achievements for the better!
I commit myself to understanding how to write down my goals and objectives and what to achieve next and the common sense and first principle directive principle like steps to achieve. That is practical, real, and able to achieve, and to get support upon it, because I know it requires myself, my knowledge, other people and their knowledge and effort to leverage to where we both can go and all together go in a direction for Actual True Meaning and actual true purpose within the fortitude and focused effort to achieve what is best for us and or the people around us and for all! For as I see myself as life and life awareness within reality and resonance of the fortitude and patience and tactfulness for the better!
I commit myself to encourage myself to be here in reality and breathe and be here, and know what to do next in consistent and continuous developing creation as the next logical and common sense step and practicality within it. And to understand what it is to be Creative and know what I want to do next with Absolute certainty, and if it is with others as well, I will do the same with them and encourage and lead myself as I lead them, as I lead myself and be open to considerations and be aware to be back on track to achieve what we set out to achieve for actual true super success! For as I see myself as life and life resonance within the awareness in reality within the fortitude and purposeful action and determination and focus and leadership as LIFE!
I commit myself to challenge myself and see things ahead of time and see what I can do about it and get feedback upon it with others and how it can be redirected and also to support myself within the process and my process, and as well as others. To help and be patient and encourage others to do the same and keep going, no matter how hard it gets, make simple and Always Simplify in Fortitude and Focused Effort to achieve much more beyond Belief for the better! For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness within reality to improve and keep going and adapting along the way for the better!
I commit myself to encourage and influence my kids and my wife to enjoy what is here and in reality and to truly have a meaningful purpose and to help my wife and I myself encourage our children and ourselves. To understand, develop to have the caring and affection for them and for each other to help and push and challenge the status quo and keep going no matter what and be here in reality. And to see what we can enjoy and become much more than ever. And also to help the children to become self-sufficient and help them learn and have fun and explain things in common sense and practicality and of stability as well. Teaching them about how things work, and to apply it to where they are right now and of understanding and knowing it’s true and actual meaning of what it is and what life's all about. And how we can do what is best for all, step by step, breath by breath for what is best for them and for themselves, for ourselves as husband and wife, standing together as a group to keep going. Simplify and understand with common sense and practicality for the better, for as I see myself as life and life resonance in reality and awareness to help them understand with stability and understanding and application for the better!
I commit myself to understanding to know when to take a break and when to get back to creating again and be here in reality, and in the meantime of the break to make it productive as well, to do something that is going to help me. And to understand that making anything real of value, money or product or anything at all, Requires action, purpose and meaning to the purpose as well. For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness in reality.
I commit myself to wake up and be here when out of bed within the morning and as my alarm comes on or not, to be up and get going. And to understand that for what I want to achieve, I need to trust myself more and participate with the group and not just by myself as an individual and as I am changing within, acting in the physical and taking the actions to get the productive results with focused effort and fortitude and determination is key. To keep it going, and breathe and develop the self trust to keep and force myself to do so, that change comes within the first step to achievement and support and collaboration and cooperation for the better! And within this, I commit myself to understand what it is like as I am consistently applying myself and how self trust is being developed more and more along the way for the better, for as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality for the better!
I commit myself to track time and understand what I am doing that is to be of productivity each moment, each hour, and be here and keep going to achieve what I set out for myself to achieve step by step, breath by breath. And to also encourage my employees, directors, senior partners, salespersons to track how much time of what they do in their personal lives and take a note and really investigate this with others and not by themselves. And how these particular decisions throughout their day, can change for personal change and not just within the corporation and company they work for as mine, because i am and will be doing the same thing, because, it works, and soon enough, it will become second nature to make better and effective decisions for the better, for personal and business! For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality for the better!
I commit myself to be back on track and direct myself as a directive principle as an absolute individual here in reality and achieve and keep going and take moments of breaks when I can and just do them momentarily and keep going. To vacate from being with mind participation and be in reality participation and the more I do that, and be tactful and execute with quick prompt decisions, the more effective i can truly become beyond belief for the better! For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality for the better!
I commit myself to be within the group, as 1+1, 1+1 equals 2!!! And so on, and stand together as one and lead ourselves and each other to achieve our goals and objectives to what is best and to do what is best for the people around us and for all!, step by step, breath by breath for the better!
I commit myself to become a better leader within myself and with others, to test, and participate, and do it, read books and listen to audios and apply the information as within and with about in participation. As physical reality and physical participation and moving and applying myself, for as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality as LIFE!
I commit myself to apply myself more and more and more to achieve what I set out for myself and to do it with others and influence others to be apart of it, step by step, breath by breath and for the right people to come along to fuel the vision and achieve it with fortitude and great focused effort for the better! For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality for the better!
I commit myself to write self forgiveness to forgive myself of what is not best within me and not serving me best, so I can change within and act in the physical much more effectively as a directive principle for my life and be a living example to be looked up to and proud of. And to write breathing statements to stop and breathe when and if a reaction were to ever come up and breathe and take directive principle into being here as life, then onto realisation statements to realise what I had and have reacted to that is not best for me and who I was interacting with and conducting myself and with others, that weren’t best for me and how my actions were a cause to it as well. And within that, I commit myself to write self commitment statements to recorrect myself and to live the living change as life and to take my life and in business, step by step, breath by breath to true purpose and actual meaning and life to my life and to show others that it can be done as well. And to use the tools of TechnoTutor, Desteni I Process, the journey’s life blogs to rebirth here as life and participate and make things meaningful in my manifestation and our manifestation of effort and physical actual application of ourselves and with each other for the better! For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better!
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