Day 36: Neglected Birthday

 

 Neglected birthday

(Read Aloud And Breathe)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect my own birthday and how  my parents never really did notice me and say happy birthday to me, even my friends, and how I cried at school and in class and how I didn't trust and care for myself. Because nobody cared for me, and how I never expressed that I cared for others, I was always so in my mind, as if nothing was ever going to happen and only ever assumed if anyone was going to come to me and say with care and affection, happy birthday to me and with me. And sing happy birthday to me, as if I needed approval and pity to help me and say something to me, when in fact, and reality, I didn't deserve it. Because I myself, never deserved it all, because I never had certainty within myself to care for myself and trust myself. It was never that way, and it was that way for a long long and a long long time. Not ever knowing and realising as if I would ever get something said to me, because someone else cares about me and who and how I am for the better. Instead it was always for better or for worse n contradiction, as fiction as an addiction to fiction, to theory of something that isn’t even real. And how I thought it to be real that people should come to me and give me things, when in fact, I never knew how and wasn’t taught to truly give myself my own breath and present to myself and actually care for myself to give myself the best birthday and breath day I could ever deserve. Instead it was never like that, I felt so much ulterior pain, it would come up as urges and trying to hold back the tears as they came to fill my eyes with salty water, and how I was making myself salty, just because I was expecting other people to care for me, when I didn't care for myself, nor even did I care for others at all whatsoever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as parents, to be irresponsible, to not realise that we as parents, as mother and father, who never realised what it is like to be self sufficient truly, and have no pain within it. Instead, somehow, there was always some type of misunderstanding that always led to pain, from there on, there was no understanding and growth and explanation of anything and how it works and consequences of our decisions with stability at all whatsoever. Nothing was ever explained, it was always expanded and expanded in a short finite amount of understanding towards yelling and explosiveness to make our son and child be ever so insufficient in being self sufficient and to be dependent on us and never be a leader for himself. Nor were we even actual leaders for ourselves, we were always followers, following ourselves around and following the madness of negativity, and irresponsibility, blame, and insecurities, and other things that didn’t truly actually matter. Because we only thought they mattered, because only made them matter to our own self interest and not for one another, and another never really deserves the actual sufficiency of what it is like to truly care about a person, genuinely. We only cared, half the time, and never even half the time that we tried to care, we only made it with abuse and made it ever worse, as if having each breath day, to be the worst for the worst. Not realising what it is like to care for another, instead of giving them away to our own complacency and to what we could even handle at the time. And how we have to do it this way or that way, and how this way is, and how no matter what and how hard we tried to fix ourselves, we were always so fixed on the point of caring and then abusing at the same time. As if abusing was actual ‘real care’, when in fact and in reality, it is not and is not at all whatsoever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to allow pity within myself and to think that another person should care to say something to me, when I am not even aware that I should consider voicing it. When in fact and reality, if I do voice it, I might be perceived as some guy who is looking for approval for the wrong starting point as if I needed someone to say something to me and make me feel better about myself. When in fact and reality, I never actually felt good and better about myself, because of the things I’ve said about myself and others and how it never matched up with my inside integrity, when in factuality, it matched up with my dishonesty and dis-integrity, and dissing my own honesty, because I never had it. Not an ounce, every time I tried to do things in self honesty and be genuine, the disingenuous ways would fuck me over, and I would accept and allow that, without even questioning why I want some type of approval as if I ever and even needed one, when I couldn’t even give approval to myself. I only wanted it from other people, so I could feel good about myself, when in fact, I never felt good about myself, because of wanting another person to say “happy Birthday” to me, expecting some type of answer for someone to make me feel good. And when in fact, I never enjoyed and cared about myself, because in fact, I never saw as well, that my parents even ever cared about themselves either. They always lost their self trust, every time they ever even tried to gain it back, majority of the time, they were always operating in self dis-honesty, and disingenuous in fact, as if it were to be a real thing, when in fact it is fake. Why?, because their parents never had true self honesty and the ones before and before and before and before and before and before and before all of their parents and generations going on and on and on and on. Not knowing when the 7 generations cycle would ever stop this atrocity of trying to seek for approval, because no one else truly ever had approval for themselves to get and go after for more. Instead of trying to ‘retire’, and be complacent like a bored loser, who has nothing for their life. Wanting to entertain for the wrong starting point and continue to go about their life, as if they will never question why what they’re, and how they’re doing. As if it a 100 meter freight train going at 150 miles per hour and never stopping and coming right for themselves, and if they are the driver, they won't ever know if they should ever slow down or not and understand how to go through different speeds and increase it along the way with having effective common sense and practicality. But in fact, no one ever had that, so did I. And how it was always thwarted and immediately shit canned within the mind and how in real life the actions concur, and even when a good thing sets in, they don’t ever question why they accepted just one good thing and let many other bad things happen that wasn’t and isn't it even best or all. Nor did they ever consider if it were to be best or themselves, their children, myself. And how it all came to me, not ever caring about myself, the way I do things, and how I do it, and why  I do it, just because the starting point was never questioned. And how when everything was fixed to be good and given approval, there always some back door to fuck myself, and even my parents did the same as I saw them do it. When I was little and saw each and every move they would do, every time I was with them. Even before and after school, and even before and after work, even on the days they were off  doing other things, and being complacent. And how I found myself doing the same thing, now realizing that I was seeking approval to deter myself as if nothing was of actual real value, and how I deliberately accepted and allowed such a thing to be real, when in fact, it was all a fake for the worst. It was never  for the best, because my parents never considered, my friends never considered it, I never considered it at all whatsoever. I only accepted and allowed things as it is to be and never questioned and challenged anything if necessary. It was always and only accepted as complacency and never questioned how this would affect me negatively and not in the best ways for me and/or anyone and anyone around me to advance with me. Because the people and friends I had, never cared either, they were also losers just like me, and the more I kept hanging out with them, the more of a bigger loser I ever became with them. And when i finally realised that I had to leave them and escape them, I realised they were also being losers this whole entire time, not even noticing that they were, but they were. And how I was as well, and how i noticed that everything and anything they did, they always allowed themselves to follow another person and accept that deliberately. And how I so happen to do the same thing, just in a different varying context and degree to what happened at all whatsoever. And how I realised each and everything they do now, and how i realised it in the past, while I was doing some other job, they were also just merely following their friends around and whatever their friends did, they did, and never  questioned that and never did anything with their lives. Because nothing changed in their lives, they took the responsibility and how I so happened to find myself to be doing the same thing, evidently. No matter how hard I Tried to work for myself, and apply myself within the job I was doing at the time, it’s like they never had a purpose to what they were doing, and I  wasn’t either, funny how that works, because it's predictable to who sees what and who doesn’t see what. And if they do and I do nothing about it, shit  I’m fucked, and so  are they. And  how it was like this for so long, not realising that  I was  deluding myself as if I needed to prove myself to be real, when I wasn't being real with myself at all whatsoever. It was all some weird fad and facade to be accepted and allowed for the worst.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a friend, to not take responsibility and take responsibility for myself and how I would always try to follow others and how I never could lead myself. Because if I ever left myself alone, I was going to be truly sad and depressed, because I have no purpose to my life, and always wanted to hang out with other people and be with them, just because they’re not doing anything with their lives either, just like how I am. And how there isn’t of any true actual value for myself, and for anyone for that time, it was always for some mediocre purpose that I thought was real, when in fact I only made my friends and other friends feel bad about themselves as well. Because even at times, I was made feel bad by my parents and even my other friends that hurt my feelings and emotions and how I intentionally did the same thing with others, not knowing if it were to be the actual right thing to do. Even if it was just a joke and to play out and have fun, when in fact, and reality, I didn’t know that myself esteem was being destroyed, and how I was also hurting others self esteems like as if i needed to have some type of approval for myself just because I didn’t want to accept and allow to hurt another, just because Ii was hurt. And how It was only ever joking, but not knowing that it would hurt myself esteem as well, with that, other people never had high self esteem either, I only accepted and allowed it to be that way, because I just wanted to follow people who were just like me, and just like my dad and mom or whomever or both one of the either. Did not have high self esteem, so I had to choose nothing but low self esteem people, and how I am the low self esteem loser within the pack. And how others have no future, no purpose, no nothing, not even a meaningful purpose for their life, because obviously, I never did. So If I can’t beat em, join em, and be the next loser  just like they are, and how I never gave that up, ever since middle  school within the 7th and 8th grade. Having to bully my friend, and even during the summers, how I had made my friend have much more low self esteem and make fun of him and  tell on him and make him have his image torn apart, just because he only wanted me to keep a secret of his addiction and how never gave that up. And evidently I took on that pattern as well, not knowing if it were to be a thing to  actually give up, but I never did it, so I became a loser like everyone else and the rest of my friends were also losers, but they made money in very dishonest ways. So I don’t know what to do and it made it ever worse for everyone and even myself as well. Not knowing if there was even a way out, but hanging with other people that would make me happy, would make me happy, but in fact and reality, I was never happy myself, and was always depressed with an abusive family. And how  I abused them as well, verbally, and even physically, how tragic, how atrocious, how horrible for the worst. And how I made others FEEL exactly the same way to a varying degree and intensity, just because I thought THAT was my purpose. When in fact, it  was not, it  was inferior, mediocre, stupid, horrifying, and low  esteem was shattered and destroyed beyond belief. No matter what I thought and/or what anyone  thought and to notice  at all, because in fact, I knew deep down within my secret mind, and how others knew as well, but they never said anything to pick up and say and speak up about it. Nor did my friends, because it only ever came so and too quick for me to even notice, because I thought this is who I am and who I will become  for complacency and latency. As it is a big emergency as the emergence of the starting point as the ending point for the wrong purpose and for the wrong thing that wasn’t even best for all life, and not even for my life. Because no one cared, and nor did I care, so why did I have to even care, if no one else cared for me, and how my friends do the same way to make me feel less than myself. When in fact and reality,  I am also being affected and causing myself to also and not just them to make myself feel  ultimately, less than myself too and not just my own friends. Even when they tried to insult me as well in a joking or some type of challenging way to make me feel less than myself, instead of helping me become more than myself. When they were in reality, never were pushing themselves to be more than themselves either. Because everyone  was less than themselves, ultimately, they were all  failures, just like me. Nothing different, all predictable, how atrocious, isn’t it?

When and as I see myself wanting to seek approval for someone to  say something to me, I stop and breathe, and  redirect  as a self directive principle and be here.

When and as I see myself wanting and urging myself to have someone  within me and someone outside of me to say  happy birthday to me or say congratulations to me as if   I need  some type of approval from someone else, I  stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself  wanting to pity myself when someone doesn’t say something to me to give me approval,  of congratulating me and saying  something to me, to make me feel better, or say happy birthday to me and make me feel good, I stop and breathe.

When and as  I  see myself wanting to pity myself and lower my self esteem, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself pitying other people and gratifying their self interest and low  self esteem, I stop and breathe.

When  and as I see myself wanting to joke and  lower  another person’s self esteem and insult them like someone had  tried  to do to me and not realise what they even were doing, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself neglecting myself and others for just some type of approval and trying to urge myself to gain it, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself trying to control another for my happiness, just because I want it to be that way, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself urging and attempting to control others with and for my happiness and wanting others to do what I want, instead of doing it together, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself wanting to joke about someone and myself as well, and make fun of another as if I am not considerate of the person and even myself, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself wanting and urging myself to gain approval for someone to say something to me, no matter what it is, and if I don’t voice it, I stop and breathe, and say something that will give as genuine attention as I would to have that too in self honesty and genuine being.

I realise that trying to gain approval and pity from others is just me not being able to realise that from my parents and how they never gave me the true and actual real genuine care and affection, and how they only left me to be. And never brought any attention and spent time with me, and how I was never really in the light to be taken care of properly and effectively. It was just never that way, and how I only sought up to realise, that they never cared, and it had led me to where I am right now and how I never cared about myself. And was always in my head and not knowing what else to do with myself and never had any ideas and inklings and inclinations of what I wanted to do with my life. But to fuck around and do nothing and do other things that never really served me best at all whatsoever, even if there was just a tv, and no computer, no books, on anything. Nothing to see, nothing to enjoy, nothing to learn from, everything was all from misunderstanding and not being creative all the time, and how it was just an environment for pure failure and complacency and that’s what it was all for. It was never for anything to learn and understand the consequences of anything with common sense and stability and actual practicality. Instead it was all for manipulation and how it was all the negative starting point of it all, no wonder things were ever there for me, it was always me having to escape myself and escape to some other place of my friend’s place and home and spend the night there. Just so they can help me with my happiness and be with them, instead of being with myself and being at home, it was never the other way around. It was always for complacency and not knowing what to do and what I wanted to do, and how it was also that my parents never knew what to do with their lives either as well. It was always for the wrong purpose and nothing that was best for all, it was just all for misunderstanding and complacency and pure incompetence, 24/7, 365 each year, after year, non-stop until I now finally realised what a purpose is supposed to even be. Something creative, not being in one place all the time and finding something to do, no matter what it was, there had to be some type of creativity at some point. But eventually, it was all for being distracted and not doing the things that served me best, but only doing the things that never served me best, even if I wanted to urge myself to go back into something and try to break my own agreement with myself, as i fI couldn’t trust myself and other people who meant something to me and also who cared. But sometimes they never cared, because I never cared about myself, so that is why, if I don’t care and to show that I don’t care with conversations, through my actions, and what was to be. Of service or anything of that kind, no matter what it is, it just wasn’t genuine. I was always trying to strongly hold someone with my words just to make them bow down to me as if I needed some type of care. When in fact, I couldn’t even care for myself, because I was never taught to do so, nor did I even know how, no wonder it was so hard for me. I really thought I could do it all alone, because it was years on end of me doing that, and I never got far, not even an inch to a place where I wanted to be on my own.

I realise that being disingenuous with myself and how it all came out to my actions with others, not realising how one another will also be disingenuous with me as well, and then other people such as one person or anyone to take advantage of me. And how I didn’t realise that the trouble and objection and manipulation, I was given, was the one that I had, and how it was also given to me and then eventually I made it as my own. And soon enough things never flourished from there, it was all being alone and bored, just for some type of distracting entertainment just to get my mind off of what was bothering me and hurting me. When in reality, I was hurting myself, not realising that I was doing that to myself, and how I found myself later, hours and hours and hours and days and weeks and years on end, not knowing when this distraction would ever stop and the destruction it caused to my life to achieve nothing. For whatever I wanted, my words and deeds and actions as the flesh never showed up, because I was so alone within myself and outside of myself, that I never knew that reality was always here, and nowhere else. I was just trying to find distractions on the internet with porn, many videos and sources of porn and how I would jack off to it and never stop and realise that I was only fueling some type of happiness and stress free environment that I was alleviating to myself. When in fact and reality, it was only being wasted for so many years on end, to not ever realise that I was wasting my own time, like my parents wasted their own time on me and on themselves without ever questioning why they ever did those things to themselves and to me. And how I never questioned the time wasters that we did and what I did to myself either, it was always for some purpose, that was meaningless, just so I can entertain myself as if reality wasn’t even here. When in fact and reality, it was always here, I just never knew what true creativity truly ever was, within the right purpose and being consistent with it. It was always inconsistent and meaningless in all and everything I’ve ever done. I never found the joy in anything, I always dreaded everything, even my own life, and my friendships were gone, just because I dreaded life itself and never knew why that ever was. Even when I wanted to cave in to myself and go back to my distractions and addictions to porn, and other things that never served me in real life, because I never knew what was in my head was all fake, with the fear and how my life is a living lie. And how in my real life, there was nothing being done, but those things that I was doing, were just distracting me from what was always here and nowhere else, nothing for a true meaningful creative purpose. It was never that way, and it never was ever since its inception. And now that I realise it, I can finally change and do something creative and meaningful with the right starting point of purpose and make it meaningful. And not the other way around as if it were to be some type of coping mechanism for what isn’t already here.

I realise that trying to urge myself to go back into something like facebook and other distractions that was my purpose before and how it was never truly meaningful, it was always some other outlet to fuel my complacency and latency in my mind and how nothing was even getting done, as i was thinking and making my dreams and aspirations to be achieved for. But my actions and words as the flesh, wasn’t really aligned with what I wanted to do, I always creeping around on my page and other people’s pages, as if there was something to be checked on and upon, and was always checking for notifications if anyone sent me anything that they cared about sending me. When in fact, it was never a notification that I would send to another person, I only had it for the purpose of doing it for my own distraction and trying to gain some type of happiness, when in fact and reality, I was only losing and pouring out the window and throwing my responsibility out the window as if life wasn’t already here. And wanting to throw things out of my life, and wanting to be nothing but a consumer to my own distractions and other people’s distractions and what they were saying was in actuality, pretty stupid, and how I came out to react and pertain to their stupidity, as if it was mine. When in fact, I was  also participating in my own stupidity as if it were to be real, and how I made it to be real, and never questioned why my purpose was to be on something and distract myself and not be in real life and actually do something. And every time I got on, or watched a video, or did anything else, it felt like, once I was on the platform, there was no going back to real life, it was just pure intense automatic pattern, ingrained within me, not knowing when to get off and do something else. When I found other things or something else, like a book, a video that would help me to create something or do something creative in my real life. Was just plain boring and how I found it to be boring, because my purpose was to distract myself and think of my aspirations, when I wasn’t even doing anything about it to make those things happen. I was only dreaming and daydreaming as if it was a pipe dream not happening with my actions and words and deeds as the flesh. And when people said it was a pipe dream to dream about things they want to do and make real, it was in fact and reality, other people saying that they can’t do it either, and they have no certainty and believed in that it was not possible and capable, because they couldn’t do it themselves, to make something real and start where they are to get to where they want to go. It was just never that way at all whatsoever. It was all for complacency and stupidity for some type of distraction and tearing down another for their pity and to think they and I, or anyone, should ask a question of what to do. Was to relax and chill and enjoy life, when in fact, they were not enjoying life, they just were just trying to sell me on their distracted poor life, and how I somehow accepted and allowed it. And how my life came to be where it is now, with nothing achieved and nothing gone after for. It’s like I was constantly buying myself and selling myself with others and myself to buy into someone else’s trance and then be with them to do the same thing. When in fact, it was total bullshit, but I did it anyway, because if I missed out I would do nothing with my life in full shear dishonesty just like how they are doing the same thing as well, not doing anything in honesty and true creation either. It was always for a perfect well refined living lie of our own lives. And how we lived it through fear, misunderstanding, complacency, miss-complacency for for complacency and total misunderstandings within the context and average lookout of a dishonest meaningless and dis-purposeful life into what was not even best for me, nor for anyone, no matter who it was and is to be attracted to some type of distraction that I would somehow accept and allow as truth, when In it was all for being nothing but a loser with others and even for myself. For so long, with years and years and years, year after year, month after month, week after week, day after day, hour after hour, and minute after minute, being blinded by my own trance and other’s perceptions of trances and distractions just to ‘enjoy’ life. When they were not enjoying their life either, they were only doing stupid things, and being on their phone, going out and smoking weed and drinking and that was it. And eating bad food, hanging around with the wrong people, and how I did the same thing, not knowing that it was for pure misunderstanding and real life living failure. For that, I never questioned it ever since, I made my quest to shun my own self into oblivion, just like others have been doing and have never questioned their quest into oblivion as if there was no turning back and questioning why they were doing what they were doing at all whatsoever. And how it was all just a fad, and facade to be followed after and never lead themselves out into what reality is to be here, instead of doing it for pure distraction and complacency for the worst.

I commit myself to understand and do and become as the living words as the flesh of the inner change as the outer change as physical reality participation to do what is right for the right meaningful purpose. And become more and more and more creative, and to understand to conjure some things to be creative about and make something real and purposeful and actually meaningful for the first time ever in my life, and make it wonderful and keep it going, no matter what, and always improve, always get help from myself and from others. And to trust myself truly more and more, and help and encourage others to do the same, that reality is and was always here, and it was nowhere else. That mind participation is only doing nothing, and how nothing in reality is being created,  if there is people always participating within the mind, and that it is better to vacate the previous thinking, and be here in reality, and create something truly amazing and unimaginable and make it s wonderful for my life and with others. And to share it with others that life is and was always here, creation is here, being a creative creator of my own Desteni and Destiny, and a creative creator of my own experience, and for what I can do much more differently and much more better for the right purpose and make that purpose much more meaningful than ever before! for as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality, to live the living change as here as LIFE!

I commit myself to help and encourage others to do the same of realising what reality is here as and what it is for, and to vacate the distractions step by step within the mind, and addictions and other things that don’t really matter, for what others think matters but doesn’t. And to help others realise this step by step into reality and realise that the more we vacate our previous thinking and be here as life, and be here in creative creation for the right determined and defined purpose that makes me truly someone to look up to and be admired for the better! For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better, and to live the living change as LIFE!

I commit myself to encourage and influence my kids and my wife, for how we can make and create things to be here in reality and make it fun with the right purpose and create it to be meaningful and fun and enjoyable. And to explain and help them understand with my wonderful beautiful wife, and how we can truly make things and create things to be creative and immaculate for the better with common sense and actual practicality. And to help them understand things and learn and create and have fun with what life has to offer and what we can give  to ourselves as we would give to our children for the better, a life well deserved  and no stopping from there, always kept going and understanding and learning to improve and adapt each and every time for the better, no matter what, for the right purpose and true meaning to LIFE!, for as I see myself as life and life resonance in reality and in awareness, to live the Living CHANGE as LIFE!

I commit myself to encourage my employees, directors, senior partners, salespersons, to be here as life step by step, breath by breath of the way to create a life and a company and corporation to make things truly creative. And make the environment and our own environment around us and where we live, and what we do as a family and corporation and company together. To be creative and have the right purpose and create it to be a creative meaningful purpose for the better to take actual real responsibility for our lives and for the company itself as one and equals for a true collective effort to care and understand one another and how to help one another for the better. For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to live the Living the CHANGE as LIFE! To improve and adapt for the better!

I commit myself to write self forgiveness to forgive myself of what is not best within me and to realise how it had some type of varying degree of affect upon me and realise them through breathing statements. For if there were a reaction to ever come up, I will stop and breathe and take myself as a directive principle as life and direct myself into being here within the situation of what I am doing for my business and for my life and relationships. And for the leadership that I am becoming better and better each and every time and every day, month, year and years to come for the better. And realise the self forgiveness statements for what I had reacted to and have reacted to that wasn’t in my best interest at all whatsoever. And within that, I commit myself to write self commitment statements to re-correct myself into what is best for my life and what life is here for true creative creation, as a creator of my Desteni and a creative creator of my own experience for the better. To live the living change to improve and adapt along the way, and to use the tools of TechnoTutor, group support, self forgiveness and self corrective application of the Desteni I Process and the journey’s to life blogs for the better. And to live the living change as LIFE, for as i see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to Live the LIVING CHANGE AS LIFE TO IMPROVE AND ADAPT FOR THE BETTER!