Day 45: Harping on the First Mistake I ever Made

 

Harping on the first mistake I made

(Read aloud and Breathe)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that when I make some sort of mistake, not knowing that I would later to be harping on it and making myself feel guilty and bad and fucking with myself as if it was not the right thing to do. When in fact, I didn’t know that I was abused for making a mistake and how bad the first one was, within someone or either another person’s expectations of me were not that high or low enough of me. I was always expected of more and was always rushed for something that wasn’t best for me. And somehow, I was scolded and manipulated and forced and hurt to the point where I didn’t even know what to do with my choices and actions and life, and how my breath of myself was always being deteriorated and abused by me. As if someone was after and out to get me, when in fact and reality it was only me to get me and potentially taking revenge upon myself, when someone made a spiteful and abusive and ugly mistake towards me to rush me as if I was not doing a great job. When in fact and reality, I was only starting out to do what I wanted to do that was of interest or either it was something that I was learning from someone else and how they somehow wanted to quickly lose trust in themselves and to sooner or later to lose trust within me as if I didn’t know what I was doing, when the other person never knew what they were doing, but to only rush me because they only do the way and method they’ve always done and never changed it. They had expectations of themselves that were abusive and how they were also abused and and same with their parents and their other parents and so on and forth, within the 7 generations continuing the spitefulness and abusiveness. That has never been realised up and until now and how subtle it was to not ever realise how much of an abusive tactic that anyone would try to rush someone else to do something faster for themselves and how they ended up rushing me. As if I needed to be making another impatient mistake and irresponsible choice that wasn’t best for me, nor was it best for this other person as well either. Because in fact, they never had their best interest at heart, nor did they have it for me, and nor did I have it for myself either as well, being so blinded to the fact that harping on the first mistake and yelled at and pointed at, as if I was some scum of the earth ready to be put back into the earth as I was born from the earth and from another life. Not knowing and realizing that I was being abused with irrationality, and irrational choices and emotions and actions, along with ideas that were never best. It was always in some way to make me react again as i first exposed to this harped on mistake that I first made and how I saw it from others and how they did it to others and how they did it to themselves, not even realising they were taking revenge upon themselves with stupidity and such atrocious unquestioned like act.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so spiteful in a quick moment of such a mistake that I wanted to hear and see first, from myself and make another person feel bad for something that they were not notified and understood about. Just because i had unexplained and inarticulate ways of not knowing how to teach someone else, just because i know how to do a certain thing and for someone for to not know how to teach me is that I had to do the same not ever considering why it was ever the fact that someone taught me spitefully and within abuse, that no one actually really cares. Because of a mistake first made and how it was being harped on and how it was such a big deal to me and to my child and to my family and my wife and friends and many other people. And how I never realised that no one actually really truly cared, because in fact and reality I never cared either. I always taught my child and son to be spiteful in teaching others as i have taught him to be spitefully right and wrong in contradiction as if the first mistake was such a big deal that it should be harped on and how it should be changed in some type of way of ni panic as if someone hurt me pretty bad and wanted to help me right away and how I never realized that I was the one to do the same in abuse. Not knowing why I would hurt myself and hurt another, just because I had higher expectations that what my son and child had never knew of, because I never explained it, I only wanted to reach out of harsh negativity as if a mistake was such a big deal and had to be diminished and punished first before it being diminished for the worst. Not ever considering the fact that no one actually truly ever cared, because in fact, I never cared either, so did my friends, so did my role models and teachers and parents either, they never knew what stability and common sense and practicality truly is. So they also abused it, and so did I, picking up this memory from childhood or even recently and how tough and harsh and abusive it was to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that when I was complacent and contemplating on the choices that i was making and how no one else ever pointed it out to me, because i thought that someone would notice. But it was only me who was noticing and was looking just for the main approval that I never had for myself, other people like my father would always have denied me to the fact that I wasn’t sufficient enough and good enough to do the job around house and pretty much of everything in my life was always in some type of complacent and it was never the light of day for actual victory, it was always for some type of ugly ulterior failure, because I thought that those harsh insults were just tearing me down, and they were, I lost majority of my self esteem due to it, and even my teachers and my other friends told me the same thing without even mentioning to me at all of what to do better. It was always me having to figure it out, but even then, I never could know how to think or myself, because it was being dependable on someone else, except me, because I never knew how to be independent and to be self sufficient and not so spitefully abusive and ugly and so distorted about it, as if I don’t know even know from what is actual right from wrong and wrong from right. I had to literally do everything on my own, it was hard or me, I had to work 10x times harder and more and had to push myself, but sometimes I fell and it would last for sometimes a week or a day or a few days and then i’m back at it, just at a more inferior level than before. Because I never knew what actual real true change really is, because I never the true definition of change, it was always for some type of failure and how i would usually and always harp upon it, even if other people made their mistakes and how I would criticize them and judge them in my mind and sometimes directly at them when the situation actually warranted me to do it. But in fact, it was always me judging others as I was judging myself and talking to myself within the secret mind that i have within me, that was not meant to be there, but it was so evidently as it was to be for the worst.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that i never knew what true and real change of any mistake and how hard it was for me to deal with something that caused my body to overheat and itch like little tiny knees hitting me at more than a million miles per hour in a sense. And how it felt as if I was in some type of trouble that was going to hinder me, when in fact and reality, i was also in blind fact and no realisation of what was going that I was also hindering myself into oblivion as if nothing was in control and going my way, when I was the one going against myself. Because that’s how my dad did it, so no wonder I did the same thing to take revenge and make a big mistake upon my own self and not ever realise that i am my own worst enemy, and how I had accepted and allowed myself to be the enemy as myself, because it is only my ego that I have accepted and allowed it to be as true for me. When in fact and reality, I was just accepting and allowing abuse and stupidity and atrocious bullshit that would have never benefit me at any type and point of time at all whatsoever. Because I thought that harping on mistakes the first time I went around was bad and how it caused so much havoc and overreaction as if I knew what was going to happen before it actually happened. Not ever questioning my starting point of why I ever harped on a simple coping mechanism to make myself feel much uneasy and uncomfortable, not knowing if I was going to learn from it or not. I was just making myself dwell over the consequences of my choices and actions and ideas within it and the assumptions within it as well, not ever questioning why I accepted such a lie for the worst. How abusive I was to myself and to others and how others came to do the same thing without even questioning why I was ever performing the act that wasn’t even what was best for all for me, nor was it for other people at all whatsoever. Eventually it felt as if I was ever going to learn and do better again, I had the courage to step up, but somehow, I shot myself back down dwelling over the mistake and letting insecurity slip in through the back door. And how I did not know that I was about to and was going to fuck myself over, just like my dad did the same thing to himself, in debt, in a health crisis, identity crisis, life crisis, relationship crisis, communication and emotional instability crisis, and it fucking goes on and on and on and fucking on. Like no fucking tomorrow,  everything abused, and how I came out to be doing the same thing, not ever realising that I was just nothing else but an abuser and a loser as well. And how I remembered being yelled at and scolded and how i was twitching in a sense with the loud yelling and bickering directly at me and rupturing and erupting my resonance and how it made me really sad and depressed and so sorrowful, not knowing what to do, feeling so much pain in defeat from someone who never cared about me, but was only showing abuse as care, when it wasn’t really actual care, it was abuse. It was hurting me, I was hurt by another person was full of pain and emotional agony and sorrowness in his life, and how I somehow, didn’t think that if I were to ever deserve the pain and loud yelling and bickering insults and how it was tearing me down and ruining my self esteem. I was never truly ever confident in my lief, I never was, nor was my dad, he was insecure, then i became insecure within his guidance that was leading me and him down his path to hell, it was never heaven, it was always some distraught experience that was never of anything to be understood. It was always dealt in pain, never anything of understanding, it was paid to me in abuse to understand with pain and so called ‘love’ when in fact it was not love. It was abusive love, to destroy my self esteem and ability to do things, and ever since, I never performed to truly trust myself and do anything I ever wanted without any fear and anger from the past somehow anything and everything I ever did, I had to do it by myself, because i was always afraid of asking for help ever since. Because I was afraid of being yelled at and scolded and insulted, no wonder I isolated myself so many times even when I was around other people, i was truly alone in my own head, when and even if i was around other people or not at all. I never knew what I was doing at the time, I just stared straight into space and did nothing and felt this weird ulterior feeling of sadness and being alone in my head, playing the scenes of abuse, but I never saw them, I just somehow felt so bad, and sad and depressed and full of sorrowness. I never knew what and why of how i was even feeling, I was just never aware of it. No wonder my lief is the way it is, because of this abuse and how it affected each and every decision that I ever did for my life, work, business, relationships, money, health, communications, trying something new, it was always me deviating from something that i was harming myself for, and not realising that i was shying away from my own effort. Fearing someone might yell at me and give me a hard time, as I always did and how others did that to me as well, abusing me not knowing if it was abuse or not and then accusing and assuming myself and the other person sometimes of the mistake they made. And how I would always suppress it and keep it to myself, because I thought that no one ever cared, and even when I did try to getting support, I never could explain it in words, i always expressed it in breaking down in tears and sadness, looking for help, that I never got, because I never deserved it. Because someone else made me think and witness to see that I was not worthy and of merit to do what is here at hand, and how I harped on each and every mistake that I ever made in my life, giving myself a hard time and being hard on myself, because of the little small voices within me and my head and body. Tearing me down, as if someone was speaking to me, when in fact and reality, i was making that voice mine, as if someone else was talking to me, when I myself as the body and resonance was  actually talking to me. And how i thought others were fucking with me, when in fact and reality, i was only fucking with myself, to abuse myself and be a weird psychopath and sociopath to be talking to myself, as if i was talking to anther telepathically, and as if they were here with me in person. When in fact, it was only within me, abusing arguments and worthless sayings and abuse, when one opinion was at high alert and then the other comes in and says another thing to be at high alert, and how I let it happen. Not realising that i am abusing myself and in my mind, letting the voices take over, not ever stopping and questioning why that ever was to tell my mind to fuck off as if it were just judging each and every THING that I hav ever done. It was always hard fo me to actually do something that was best, it was always for what was not best, always in abuse, always in mediocrity, always in inferiority, always in irresponsibility, always in dwelling over the mistake due to that conning of the sequence of my own consequence, it never turned out the way it was supposed to be. It was ruined for the worst, no matter the excuse of me wanting to get away from it and say I’m fine, when in fact and reality, I am not fine, I am only making excuses to think that I am on my way out, when in fact, i was only on my way in, to oblivion. Not ever fathoming if  I were to ever be free from my mind construct and how abusive it was this whole entire time and how each and every decision and act for it, was always in abuse and tarnished, no wonder I never got so far to where i wanted to go in my life. I saw so much prosperity and a good life helping others as well. But it felt so out of reach, because I just didn’t know what was holding me back, whatever memory it was, but it was also me as an individual who never trusted myself to take the risk to actually become free. Because I never knew what freedom truly ever was. No matter what I did and how hard i tried to achieve and go for anything, I would always end up stopping myself, and not understanding why i stopped and to even question why i stopped and sabotaged my own success, thinking i have to slow down before i make another mistake and continue to harp on it. When it was me in fact, abusing each and every decision for success for me, was to be for failure, and how I never realised that for myself at all whatsoever. It was always hard for me, therefore, i never realised, and i never persisted, I never understood, because i never knew what persisting was, understanding with common sense and stability and practicality was. It was always in abuse and yelling, bickering back, insulting the other person back, and even myself, losing more and more of my self trust that I never had, nor the respect, nor the honor, nor of anything that could’ve been of worthiness, nothing at all, whatsoever. Not even realising that I could die at any moment due to the trauma and how terrifying it is and was for me and projected upon me and how I took it on as life and abuse along with it for the worst. And how other people do the same thing without even caring about themselves at all whatsoever, because i know, no one cares about themselves, no wonder they are in the same position and not growing as an individual for the better, they are declining into oblivion and delusional and illusional land, for the worst.

I forgive myself not accepting and allowing myself to realise that i was abusing myself and how others were abusing me as well, and how they never knew why they were doing such atrocious bullshit acts to me and even to others and to themselves as well. And how it was abuse and being made fun of, nonstop, back to back, not ever questioning the stupid bullshit they were doing, because they know deep down they’re unhappy, they don’t care for life, they only care to abuse it, and glorify things that are not even best. And how that affected me big time, it affected each and every decision that I’ve ever made, whether I was aware of it or not, it was me as the flesh and as the breath and within myself as the resonance. I never knew what being stable people was like, I was always around unstable and unworthy, cringeful like ugly characters of people all day long and sometimes wanting to go back and hang out with the abusers and to continue to abuse myself and not stand up for myself. I always backed down and never said anything to challenge anyone. Because I never trusted myself. Because I had those same shit qualities as others, taking them on without even realising why I was doing it, and now that I realise this, people really don’t care about life and even for themselves, they just don’t know that they don’t, deep down. Because most of them are delusional and illusional to their outright abuse from their parents, friends and relatives and even the media, advertisements, movies, tv shows, tv shows as movies, cartoons and teen movies that starred people from hollywood and etc. so many people were being abused and it was programming all of us, and including me to abuse one another without even considering what life could’ve been with better quality people. When in fact and reality, I was dealing with my whole life with low quality people, and how i ended up as the lowest quality of all, in some varying degree and stage, and how I judged myself as well, being the lowest of quality and trying to fit in within the abuse, not realising that I was coming back for more abuse, and sometimes i did back off, even when I was threatened by a friend who never cared about me, he only just wanted me to stay back and not come with him to hang out. He never truly cared, he would’ve never helped me, because he never would’ve helped himself, he was just self interested and abusive, and how i was failing to realise that for my own blinded ways. I just never knew the people that I was friends with were problems, they were all losers, abusers, just like me. And how my parents were abusers and still are till this day. And I know they will never change, unless I offer it, and how I feel that if I want to help another who abused me, then what is the point of life to offer help to another abuser?, and how I never knew  why and even if they would ever abuse me ever again, I would never trust them. Because they’re not trustworthy, in fact, they never were, just like I was. And how it caused each and every relationship with a friend, girl, business, or anything of that matter, to be lost and tarnished and destroyed for the worst and into oblivion, for hell and missed out opportunities and mis-takes and mis-steps and missed out on reality. Missing out on everything and missed out on everything, and how nothing was ever the best for me, because I never knew what was best for me, because nothing was presented to me and taught to me for what was best. It was always in some mediocre and obscure abuse, for inferiority and all of the above, to affect each and every little thing that I have ever done in my entire life, has been fucked. And how my life was always tough, I always had some type of abuse, left and right, all the time, not knowing when it will ever stop and for me to move out and be on my own. When I was the one who was also keeping myself out of being truly free and able of myself, I just never knew what true freedom truly ever was at all. How it was always me harping on every little mistake thinking and assuming what others were doing to treat me like a dog, like trash, like garbage, like a nobody, like a loser, like someone to catch at, and all sorts of stupid shit. And how I would abuse the conversation and even the opportunity to even see what it could’ve been at all whatsoever.

When and as I see myself harping on a mistake that I first made to affect me any further, I stop and breathe and realise that it is okay to make the mistake then fix it and improve and adapt for the better.

When and as I see myself blaming and judging and harping on others mistakes and my own mistakes, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself wanting to slow down, just because I feel that there might be trouble for me to do things faster as I am already doing it effectively, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself wanting and urging myself to self sabotage my opportunity of anything within the event, circumstance, people, relationships and opportunities, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself urging to abuse myself and going back again towards the abuse, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself instantly saying oh well you're fucked, to say and accuse and blame another person for not taking my offer anything, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself not improving and adapting to do and become better and not moving myself and applying myself, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself not knowing what to do and being in my head,  stop and breathe and take sel directive principle and do something gradually to get me moving, always for the better!

When and as I see myself urging and potentially harping and not considering why I have gone down that path of harping on something that isn’t even best, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself urging to abuse another person if I were to see another and/or myself as well to harp on the first mistake and keep it going and make it worse, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself urging myself to get greedy and be greedy to the point of hurdling over others, just to make them stay back and how I will be the one to be abusing me for the worst, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself getting antsy and anxious while potentially doing nothing and making it to potentially go further, wasting time, I stop and breathe, and to refocus on what matters that should be done for my super success!

When and as I see myself tarnishing myself and/or to others to harp and diminish their opportunity to learn from the mistake and learning lesson, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself urging and feeling the rush to rush myself to get something to think that I Don't have enough time to get things done, I stop and breathe and go do it anyway to complete it for the better.

When and as I see myself urging and waiting to make an excuse for myself to slow down and stop and do nothing, I stop and breathe.

I realize that being complacent and contemplating on harping over mistakes that were never investigated and questioned as to why they ever were in the first place. Just Because I felt so ever limited by my own self and how this all came from my father and he was also complacent, a deadbeat, a loser, a nobody, a role model for disaster. Not even questioning why he was hurting me and making me feel much worse off than I am right now and abdicating responsibility as if responsibility was just some ffad and facade that didn’t even really truly exist for the better to improve and adapt for. Therefore, it was always tarnished and fucked with, it was abused, by me and especially by my father, who never knew any better within the abuse that he was performing without even knowing why he was doing such a thing, that would potentially and/or in fact affect me and my whole life. Not even knowing the consequences of the ramifications of what is and what is not  at all whatsoever.

I realised that whatever I wanted to do, i would always tell myself to slow down and not do it and not work hard and not work smart, just because other people have told me this as well, and how i never benefited from their excuses as abuse. And how they never knew what the hell they were saying and to even question their instability and stupidity and mediocrity that wasn’t even best for me to hear, nor for themselves either. Because they know as well, that they are complacent and wanting me to abide by their saying and they instantly judge me in their mind and say he’s gonna fuck up or do whatever to not make t. And how that person will never make it either, and how i used to think that as well, to down someone else, when in fact and reality, I was also downing myself in my own mind as if i was telling this contradictory downer like saying to myself as I would do to another, just because others have done this to me. Because they weren’t enough either, and didn’t think of themselves as better with actual high self esteem, instead it was tarnished and how I found myself doing the same thing, without even challenging and questioning why  I would be doing the same inferiority like abuse. Not even knowing that if it was or not. I was just clueless, I just went with things and never questioned, because I was always afraid of being yelled at, if and when I were to ask for help, challenge something or whatever the fuck it was, you know?, like I mean, I  was so afraid of the point I started abusing the criticism towards myself instead of saying it to abuse one another, in contradiction, and how what i said and what i saw, did not line up, it was just for mediocrity and stupidity, beyond beLIEf.

I realise that my father never truly cared about me, nor did my friends, nor did my mother, relatives, previous girlfriends and many other people that I’ve met along the way. And how they would abuse me and threaten me to leave me, and how I  would be complacent and contemplate whether I should go towards the abuse again, after I have been abused for mediocrity and actual stupidity for the worst. Not ever considering why I would ever go back to a person who never had my best interest at heart, because in fact and reality my father and my friends and mother and other people never actually had their own best interest at heart either, nor did the people they knew, their parents and theirs parents parents and much more. It was impurity stacking upon impurity, no one ever considering why should’ve been better or not, it was always in not wanting to help the other person because of their low self esteem, and how my friend said I’m not going to help you if you get beat up, as if he was bluffing to cause me to get beat up, when in fact, I would’ve caused myself as the low interior individual to cause myself harm and terror to my own being, as how someone was trying to threaten me with potentially, just because he wanted to be with others, instead of me. He never cared about himself, it felt like a dark gruesome day that day, like my whole world, went black and cloudy, as if I wasn’t in realisation that this guy doesn’t care, and how I didn’t care either. I just wanted to be with people, people that weren’t so good for me, it was always in some type of abuse, going back to the abuse again and again, not ever questioning if it was good for me or not. In fact, it was not at all, I was naive, I never knew anything, I couldn’t discern, I couldn’t think for myself, I didn’t and don’t know anything about what true stability and no threat truly ever was and within common sense and actual practicality. Was consequently thrown out the window and to never see and make the situations better, it only got worse, nothing for the better, at all whatsoever.

I realised that every time i wanted to hang out with others, I always wanted to hang out with other low quality people, because i myself, was also a low quality and low self esteem person just like the people i wanted to hang out with. I always hung out with the older crowd at times, but evidently, they were not good for me, nor was I good for them, nor even for myself either.

I realised that I never truly cared about myself, therefore, I was always with abusive and low quality inferior and mediocre people, because I just wanted to be around people, because i was always alone. I never had friends to be around, so my parents isolated me, just because they didn’t want me to go outside and play with others. Somehow and for some reason they never wanted me to have friends and go out, because they didn’t want me to be with other unstable people, when in fact, I was with unstable people, especially my father and my mother, both unstable people, emotionally and financially. And how I never got to have the life, things, money, food, accessories and much more, of whatever I wanted and was indulged from here and there, sometimes with advertisements and other recommendations on videos, movies, media, news, and other music videos and tv shows and tv shows as movies. And much more, was brainwashing me to do what was not best at all whatsoever. It’s like I was being isolated off, from the real world, although i was at school, with other brainwashed fools and idiots as well, no one had a clue of what was going on their lives, everyone and I was and were basically sleepwalking in a trance of and into oblivion and abuse throughout life. To ourselves and myself, and to others and mistaking others for what we have yet to see within ourselves as an individual, when i have realised that my life has been an abusive muckraking timeline of many ramifications and abusive consequences that i wasn’t even fully aware of, but got hit anyway. Because no one in the family and no one I ever knew, had actual common sense of anything that was to be of what’s best for all in the best ways possible of positivity and growth, at all whatsoever.

I realised that I never truly learned about what life would've been without being constantly reminded of harping on the first mistake I made and to abuse it and repeat it to others to apologize. When I didn't even realise, that I was just panicking out of nowhere, and how I was afraid to be yelled at for making such an insignificant mistake that could have or would’ve been bigger, but it wasn’t. I was abused left and right, like as if there was no tomorrow  actually promised for me, and how that what I was feeling and thinking about and how it made me feel uneasy and scared and afraid of life, and what it could’ve been for me. No matter what I did and tried and attempted at and if I got lucky and got far with what I was doing, I never knew when and if I was going to abuse myself and sabotage my growth and progress and process. I just never knew what was going to happen to me. Because no one ever knew how to support me, they always abused me, so ever since then, I never knew how to support myself and provide for myself, because my parents never knew how to teach me anything, so they sent me off to school to get brainwashed like the other fuckers. And how I never questioned it and challenged it, but even then my father would complain and make this ugly face and to make me go, even though I didn’t want it, he always forced me to do things that I never wanted to do. He never gave me an explanation. He always slapped me and hit me and made me cry, he hit me in the face multiple times and made ugly faces and made me cringe for my life and be in survival, not knowing if I was going to be alive or not at all. No matter what I did, I always got abused in some way, making my face hurt and punching myself and hurting myself, as my parents hurt me and abused me on my face and my body and hurt me in all inconceivable ways that could’ve been prevented, but it wasn't done and considered for the better, it was to teach me a lesson and to hinder me my whole life. Not knowing why I would ever fall off my own progress, wondering why I am feeling bad and why this is, countless times of my tears being shredded from my eyes and eye ducts. My life has been abused my whole life, no one cared for me, especially that fucker who never cared about himself either, so evidently, I never fucking cared about myself, i hated myself, I hated my life, I distrusted myself, I disrespected myself, I dishonored myself and everyone that i ever knew and had to put on the nice personality that was fake and not genuine from me. No one that I ever knew, eve cared about me at all whatsoever, friends or not at all, family or not at all, fucking no one cared. So I never cared at all, whatsoever, and how it affected my life in every area through indulgence, porn, smoking weed, alcohol, hanging with the people that weren’t even best for me. Because I wasn't being the best of myself either, even when I did get criticized and judged for walking  far and doing what I wanted to get to a place to potentially have my life changed. When in fact and reality, it did, but ever since, things never got better, it was always party after party, drink after drink, shit food after shit food, bad friend after bad friends. Mediocrity after mediocrity, everything was fucked, my lfe was fucked, my parents were fucked, my previous girlfriends were fucked and stupid as well just like I was. And how I never realised how my life got to be where it is today, just because of unstable people in my life and how i never knew what was going on. Wasn’t aware of what the abuse was happening and occurring upon me, and how there was always abuse, because i was being abused for the worst, so I never cared and how my life is not where it is to be for the better, and how i want it to be, I’ve always seen and wanted my life to be for the better, instead, it only got worse, because I was only operating off my foundation. A foundation full of cracks and dents, valleys, pitfalls, big pools of water. So much to be that wasn’t even best for me to experience and be exposed to at all, nothing was ever good, at all, nothing at all whatsoever. Just pure abuse. Even just for one mistake of being harped on by my father and how it led to everything being fucked for me, and how i made most of it, not realising why and what is going on within me and how I was deluding myself and being so needy as if i needed another person or anyone at all. When i didn’t even realise that i needed myself, because I never knew how to truly care, I was only taught to abuse and harp on mistakes and judge them and judge others just because of their atrocious acts and behavior and how I never will see the light of day for the better of anything. And however since, my father projected fear and manipulation and physical abuse and emotional abuse upon me and harped on every mistake that was a first for me, and made me feel bad and destroyed my self esteem. And how i never knew this was the actual starting point and cause of all destruction and emotional instability along with financial instability and relationships as well, we're all damaged and destroyed, and how that will never be brought back ever again to be changed for the better. I thought it would've been the end for me, because I never knew how to truly change for life for the better. This happened when I was 8 or 9. And how this process fucked me and my whole life into oblivion and big disaster and how my life was ruined by him and by myself and others for the worst as well.

I realised that my life the way it is, is actually never for the better, it was meant to be for the worst and how I never considered that and the way and how my life came up to be where it is, right now as I see it.

I realised that I have lived and have become a life of mediocrity, and how I never noticed the way my life is to be and where it is right now and how things are not practically in my favor for me to truly achieve what  could’ve and was supposed to have. Therefore, my parents never had it themselves and live the same way, just getting by, and eventually soon to be wiping themselves out, financially, and emotionally and sooner or later health for the worst. And how my life has come to be where it is now. Every decision, every choice, action, cause and effect, was and were all making me sabotage myself and to never get a life that I was meant to have at all, whatsoever. And how so many things were caused by instability of my parents for what they did to me and to me, as if I was nothing to them but a dog. And how they abused me for everything and every little thing that has ever occurred in my life.

I realised that whatever I did, I didn’t know there were so many rules that were hidden and even when I did something I was instantly abused and yelled at and harped on about my own mistakes and what I did and made happen. I was never taught to understand, I was only taught to misunderstand. And was only in mystery allowed to do certain things and not many other things that would’ve been any different, because I just couldn’t decipher, and how that was why I never could decide for what  was best, and how i would sit at home and do nothing with my life and wait for my parents to get home to talk with them, sometimes there was nothing ever for me to do but to play with my toys. So that was all I ever did, and when I did play with my toys on a coffee table, i didn’t know it was a bad thing to do, my father came up and hit the table with a broom and destroyed  several of my toy cars and how that struck me in a very startling and feared way. Ever since I never wanted to make a decision to be with myself ever again, ever since I wanted to be with others and was abused by others, and also me abusing them in return. And  how that wasn’t even a situation that could’ve been what’s best for me, because in reality, it never was. And how my life has ended up where it is, today. I remember being abused in court by this ugly asian woman who was staring me as if she wanted to take revenge upon me, and how i didn’t even know what i did wrong, and never cared for what i did, I was only there, because I had to be and just paid off the bill for $117.26 to let myself go from this woman staring me like a ugly duckling fool. Not realising that the car accident me doing what i did, that would still be on record in my name for the worst. And how all of these events that came from that one incident that could’ve been prevented, it was all of my choices for abuse of everything, wow, holy shit. Leading to all the choices to where my life is at right now as it is.

I realise that most of where my life has gotten to was actual abuse in everything that I have ever done, not even considering the punishment of subtly and insignificance of the decisions and mistakes that were caused. And how I never realised I was also abusing myself, accepting and allowing to be from my parents who never knew any better at all whatsoever.

I commit myself to be okay with making mistakes and to learn from them and adapt from them and seeing what I can do better, to ask myself better and effective questions that will allow more and more of my self honesty. And creativity and innovation to create what is best for all and for me, and how I can truly advance to see where i can take this life to new heights than ever before, building an empire, a monopoly, of my own industry and field that will do what is best for all, in all benefit and to help change an industry and take over. To lead and guide and negotiate and  persuade and sell to the people and lead the people as I will lead myself always to victory, and opulence and power for the right starting point of what is best for all. And to keep persevering and persisting consistently for my ultimate and super success! For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better, within living the self corrective application as LIFE!

I commit myself to challenge those with respect and dignity for whomever try to dare to rush me into anything, and encourage that it is okay to make mistakes and be patient, but to refocus immediately and do what is best to be able to move forward and to do it with common sense and practicality for what is best for all and for myself and the people around me that are working with me and who i’m working with for the better. To be creative and to do what is best, realise that we need to gain more and more of our self honesty and self trust and self respect, self honor back and keep it that way. To improve it and to adapt it in any situation no matter what it may be for the better, for as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better, within living the self corrective application changes as the inner as the outer as LIFE!

I commit myself to be a role model of myself and to encourage others to be, do and have the same within keeping and becoming more and more consistent each and everyday. That it is okay to make mistakes, refocus and restart and adapt and improve along the way, that there is no room for complacency for anyone, nor the latency, so it is best to get back up and get going again. Within that, I commit myself to encourage my kids and also influence and persuade my wife to teach our kids that it is okay to make mistakes and to explain things to them and how things work and what they are for and why. That it is imperative that they do have context, because when we were growing up, we never had that, so we would like to do that for ourselves and to for our children for the better. So when they see nature, reality, life as it is to explain and be aware of what is and what isn’t, what’s best and what’s not best in common sense and stability and actual practicality. To have fun and learn much more effectively to how life can truly be for the better, for as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better, within living the self corrective application changes as LIFE!

I commit myself to encourage and lead and guide my employees, salespersons, senior partners, accountants, lawyers, engineers, directors, shareholders, that it is okay to make mistakes, to encourage them to refocus and redirect and direct and be back on track and breathe. And keep going, and improving, and creating and innovating to grow as a corporation to our ultimate super success, and to make things Always simple and persevere and persist into becoming a monopolized control for power and market share for what is best for all. And that we know that most corporations in the world, are really not doing what’s best, and within the decisions they make to control the world, therefore, we will come in, step by step, tactfully, strategically and strong and firm and confident in our abilities to follow through. No matter how hard things get, we will persist and persevere to our ultimate super success. To gain power and become super and ultra wealthy for my ultimate and super success, for as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better, within living the self corrective application change as LIFE!

I commit myself to study my industry more and more and apply the information in my business and in my life in real physical time and life, step by step, and breath by breath of the way. And to lead and encourage myself and others who are working with me within my company and corporation so we can truly innovate and talk about the ideas and see what is best to test and run with and go for it in the best ways possible for our super success and my ultimate super success as well for the better. And to gather all I can and use it and do what’s best for all with it for the better, for as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better, within living the self corrective application change as LIFE!

I commit myself to write self forgiveness and self corrective application statements, to forgive myself of what is not best within me, that has been affecting my life and decisions in some way and degree. And with that to write breathing statements to stop myself for a moment and breathe, when and if a reaction were to ever come up at all, to stop and breathe and take self directive principle as life and refocus and be here in the present reality for the better. Within that, along with realisation statements from the self forgiveness, to realise what I had and have and was affected and reacting to either negatively and/or positively to what is not best within me and what I had witnessed and experienced that wasn’t best for me. Within that, I commit myself to write self commitment statements to recorrect myself as life and to live the self corrective application change as LIFE, and how i can perform and live my life in every way with self trust to do what is best in principle and never in not just experience and common sense and practicality as well. And to use the tools of TechnoTutor, support groups, give support to myself and to others, and receiving support from myself and from others who are best to talk with, and to live the changes as the inner change as the outer change to truly Create for the better of my life and how I can become the best version of myself each and everyday, consistently and persistently and perseveringly for my ultimate and super success! For as I see myself as life and life resonance in awareness and in reality to improve and adapt for the better with persistence and Perseverance with common sense and practicality, within living the self corrective application changes as LIFE!