Fidgety? (Read Aloud and Breathe, and Slowly if you need to)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that being fidgety and acting fidgety is in actuality, me not being here in reality, and not focusing and having to focus on some other movement of my leg, arm, ankle, or anything of that matter. Is me not being here and just having to abdicate not wanting to do what I want to do, just because it feels as if it is taking quite some time for me to complete something, even if it just takes an hour to complete. Or however long it usually even takes and how I don’t want to do something and have to shake my leg, arm or anything and fidget just because I don’t want to be in the position that I am in, but I letting myself be in that position and end up not wanting to be there, no matter if it is good for me or not and how I am moving around and squirming my body as if something is overcoming me and something of possibility of danger or bad is going to take me do something that I don’t want to do. When in reality, this all came from me getting in trouble and knowing that I was about to be in trouble and get punished by someone who was going to hit me severely and make me cry just because of my action. And how I never knew any better, just because of the trembling fear that I felt, when I was about to get smacked on my fingers and hands by a woman who never had my best interest at heart, and only assumed what she heard and was over exaggerated by my father. Which was in fact my aunt trying to impose and expose me to get hurt by her and not try to hurt myself, just because I “never” knew any better, and other people just made it worse for me, that I didn’t realise at all of my own actions and troubles. I never knew of any consequence unless i was hit by someone who never knew any better, and how that made me so upset just because of my involuntary actions that didn’t mean anything to them, because it meant to my parents and my aunt and my uncle and my cousins that it was meant to be actual physical punishment just because I did “something” bad, and how now I am the one to blame and accuse of my actions and the consequences that I was not in actuality and real realisation, I was just not aware of myself and did the things anyway. Because in my mind at that time when i was 6 or 7 or whatever age I was, and how I got hit, just because I didn’t want to eat and was forced to eat by my own aunt’s assumptions of what over exaggeration really truly was from my father. And how he never knew any better either just to over exaggerate and punish me for something that I am interested in eating, and she was afraid that if I don’t eat, I might die. When in fact and reality that wasn’t the case, she only wanted to force me to get something down my throat and into my stomach to be filled with food, and with pain on my fingers and hands. And that was when my hands and fingers were hurting, and it hurt kind of mildly and then she hit more and more, I started to really feel the pain more than ever before, as if I was just pretending. As I looked up at her, I was putting on this victim look from my eyes and a mouth full of rice and pork in my mouth as I was in pain and my face was red. And that moment, and that day, I truly gained the term and act and living as expression, “fidgety”, and didn't realise ever where this even came from and how it led into every area of my life and how it made me so upset and curious of why this is even the cause of what happened to me. Just a story was over exaggerated and how I was being accused and am the one to blame, when i am not the one to blame, I never did anything wrong that I knew of because I never knew of any consequence, I had no fear, I did it anyway despite the consequences, because I always wanted more but I just wasn’t in realisation of what I was doing that was “wrong.” I was just never in realisation and actually truly aware of myself, I never had true awareness of me, and how that very moment I had developed being fidgety in my legs and moving them side to side as if I need to be showing myself a signal that i need to hurry up of something and have to due it thoroughly and quickly as if i am setting myself up with an unconscious and subconscious like deadline to be completed for something. And when in actuality, when my aunt rushed me to eat faster and actually pick up the spoon and eat as i had my hand on a table flat to eat, she was just trying to rush me and assume that I would leave and escape the table, and as if she would grab me and hit me more and make me come back to the table and eat more and finish the food. As if the food was “not good enough”, and how she didn’t want and expect me to be skinny, like I already was and she was just rushing me to eat. And how i never knew where I got so fidgety this whole time, even when I am just by myself doing my own thing and reading or doing anything in a meeting or not, wherever I am, I tend shake my leg or whole leg back and forth as if I want to leave and rush myself and not be here as if I wasn’t even here the whole time anyway. And how I am not even enjoying what I am doing and myself, and how I never enjoyed myself. Just because I feel as if I am setting myself up for an invisible timeline to finish something and how it has to be done right away or I’ll just deviate immediately, and sometimes I do stay in the meantime to complete whatever it is that I set out myself to do. And when it doesn’t get complete I usually deviate it off to social media or something that doesn’t have actual real value because of how I am not even noticing what i am doing to distract myself, just because I was rushing myself unconsciously and subconsciously and no matter how hard i am trying to stop myself from fidgeting my leg moving back and forth and/or just bouncing it. That is in fact, me being rushed by my own self as the flesh, and what i have gained and lived as this as my life, when in fact, i have only adopted it because someone “tried” to rush me and make me feel hurt just because I “wouldn’t” listen, when in reality, no one could ever express themselves correctly to me and with me, they would always express themselves in anger and resentment towards me. All just because of an assumption for something that I was not in realization of, and how I pretty much never had the right basics of anything, nor the education at all whatsoever, for which I never had and could never communicate effectively, nor the people who took care of me, never knew how to express themselves either. And how my life has come to be this way to fidget and not focus and be here as breath in reality and understand who I am and what I am as reality as the flesh, but it was never that way to be fixed for anything, it only got worse as I grew older and older throughout my life. Even when I did go to the gym for martial arts, or anything or just casual fitness ini general, and how I would fidget my leg and arm and my breath to how I don’t want to be at a place that I “feel” that I am taking so long at. When in reality and actuality, I am only rushing myself, because I was rushed by someone else, just because I didn’t want to eat, when in fact, I was forced to eat, and I didn’t like how I was forced to eat, it was not in my best interest, nor was it for the other person at all either. They only did it, because she knew that was the only way to get my attention and if I didn’t get it, I would experience much more ramifications and more physical consequences and actual physical punishment from someone who doesn’t actually really love me as a person or anyone for that matter.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a person and aunt to this person that is supposed my family to rush him while he was eating, just because I heard an over exaggerated story by his father. And how much of a bad kid he was, when in actuality, that was true, however, he just never knew how to take care of him, and only hit him, as i would’ve done the same, and how my parents and their parents and then theirs and then theirs again, would’ve done and have done the same thing. No matter how and what we did and behaved, it was a poor habit and way of teaching, just because of no expression was tolerated but by anger and actual physical punishment to so call “learn a lesson.” of course it did work, but it would only result in a way and sense of realisation and being awakened and come to realise that reality is here, and how we and I had to express it by physical punishment just because another person is not doing what i want them to do. And how it does not work that, I only “thought” and “beLIEved” it to be that way, because that was the way I taught and brought up by childhood, even if I wanted to express this pain on one another, just because I never could know how to express myself and want others to feel the unexpressed pain through physical hitting and punishment. And it was one day, when I wanted this person to eat, and lately he was eating very little, and didn’t eat much, and when I gave him a bowl of food with rice, pork and some sauce to go with it so it can be “nutritious.” When in fact, pain would come along with being with a so called nutritious bowl of food, came with physical hitting, and how I came to hit his hands and fingers and made them red. Just because he didn’t want to eat as much and how I was to be afraid and angry if he ever would throw away my food that I cooked him, when I could just save iit and eat it myself. But i didn’t want to do that, so i hit him and screamed at him, “eat the food”, and continued to yell and hit him more as if he wasn’t even paying attention to me, when he was, he didn’t know what was going on. As I hit him more and more, I made him feel worse after he was finished eating and was full, and had to throw up, when in fact and realisation, I was the one to force him to over eat and make things worse for him emotionally, and physically. As I am the actual abuser for what he didn’t want, from me and when he got that from me, somehow, he trusted me, and always followed my instructions. So I did it even more, even before he left for his cousins house across town, and to sleep there, and if he were to ever do anything bad, I would come over there and hit him and make things worse for him. As if his life never mattered, truly it never did for me, so that’s why I would always have to hit him and teach him a lesson and be in awareness, instead of a blind state as he already was in, and still was at that time. And how in realisation, i never knew this would stick to his life this whole time and no matter what he did in his life, I was the one who caused him to fidget his body and legs and hands as if he setting himself up a invisible timeline to finish something, when he isn’t possibly even enjoying what he is doing or eat or whatever he is doing in his life. And how I never knew what the consequences could’ve been and what it would truly resolve back to and how it was basically solidified throughout his life, no matter if he was driving, talking, or doing something of work, reading or anything of that matter. And how he would be here in reality, and it would cause a signal to others that maybe he doesn’t want to be here, and wants things to hurry up, when I don’t want to be here either, just because he is now doing this fidgety thing with his leg or arm or whatever he is doing. To cause himself to fidget so much and can not stop it, just because of anxiety or shortness of breath, hunger or anything. And that this occurrence and consequence that I have caused upon this person to make him fidget his whole life, not knowing where it even came from at all whatsoever. And how i never knew that I was the one that caused it this whole time, and made it worse upon him, I just never knew, for now that I am gone, he finally knows one day if he’ll figure it out that it was me that did it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a father to over exaggerate stories to my sister as my child’s aunt to make my child feel as if my stories and how she would and possibly end up believing me fully. Just because she is naive, and how deep down, i know she will, and want this punishment to be done to him, while my child is there, and I am not to cause him pain like I want to. Because in fact, i was never in realisation of what was going through my mind the whole time, of what i wanted to treat my own child as, like shit, and even more than fucking shit, to hurt his life and make him realise the lessons to be taught by real actual physical painful hitting just to make someone wake up and not do something anymore. When in reality, it does not and never has worked that way ever since, because making someone realise that way, is only and another form and reality of abuse and child abuse. Nothing has ever worked that way, nor will it help anyone, and how I have always believed that punishment as a physical pain is the best way to go about anything and how i never knew that physical actual punishment and pain is the best way to go about anything, is only going to lower my child’s self esteem for the worst. And it would lower my self esteem and confidence in my child for to ever bring up something as an excuse just to hit my child again, for how I was taught and now over exaggerate something that could’ve been prevented and was basically unnecessary. And how I was blind to the fact of what and where his fidgety came from, and how I was one of the originators of it and have caused so much abuse in myself and for my child, especially. And how I fed my child fear and abuse and punishment and having to point my finger AT HIM and have to tell him, unconscious in a sense as I was expressing myself inaudibly. That if you ever fuck with me ever again and make a mistake on your own that i don’t like, just because you’re a copy of me, I will give you ruin and you will never forget it. When in reality, I was only threatening my child more and more, as if I haven’t a clue of what real stability really is, because I never could express myself effectively, therefore, I resulted to punishment and physical punishment and yelling as well. Eventually things never worked out that way, and how my child would revolt back at me and how i would yell back, and now we are both copies that are angry at each other for no apparent real common sense reason. And nothing was ever to be solved at all whatsoever, nothing of a real solution, it was always abused, and suppressed and never realised for anything at all, nothing was ever brought up as another solution. It was either expressed by me in a victim hood way, and it never worked that way either, nothing ever worked from, because they were never actually common sense practicality, it was just another excuse to make my child obey me, so I can hit my child again so my child can listen. And if my child doesn’t do that, then I will always repeat my pattern and never change for real at all whatsoever, because therefore, I never knew how to change for real, no matter how hard I tried my patterns would grow stronger and become MORE of me, and how IT IS ME AS THE LIVING FLESH. When in fact and reality, I am nothing but a living lie to my child and to myself, for that, I am not qualified to be a parent, my teachings and ways of doing, is not the best of anything, it has only caused more trouble, harm and instability, because i never knew of any other better way to do and go about anything for a solution that could've been what’s best for all and those around me. Because i never could express myself effectively, because I was unstable myself. Therefore, nothing ever worked out, it was always in abuse for everything, no matter what my child did, or I did, or what my child did make me upset or that child of that person’s self upset, or whatever the case it was at all. Nothing was a real solution, everything and anything, was ALWAYS abused. And that was it. Nothing else.
When and as I see myself fidgeting about something and wanting to feel as if I am rushing myself of anything and have to go back and forth on social media or anything else, I stop and breathe slowly and redirect to what is here to be completed and done at hand in reality and not somewhere else.
When and as I see myself wanting to fidget and rush myself when I am reading a book, doing a project, doing TechnoTutor, writing blog, reading a blog, reading an article or of anything, I stop and breathe slowly, and see what is here and be here in reality and physical state that I have me right now and if i am with others, that's good too.
When and as I want to immediately distract myself and want to go do something else that isn’t of worthiness to me fo actual real creation and value and not just activity of doing nothing itself, i stop and breathe slowly, and realise what is here and what i am doing and realise what my next steps can be for me to get closer to my goals and objectives in my life for the better.
I realise that being fidgety is just another form and reality of not wanting to be here and be here in reality, and how this only came from childhood, and how I never realised this whole time it would affect every single area of my life, no matter what I did and how hard i tried to stop myself from fidgeting my hands, my legs, my foot or anything. Just because it was just ingrained automatic pattern that came from punishment or no punishment at all, whether traumatic or not, wherever it came, that was the source of who was trying to punish me just because I didn’t want to do something and how I was just forced to do so in fear and assumption from another person that never had my best interest, even though the person thought they did. But it was just an abused lie for love in manipulation and pure in act of abuse, no matter verbal and/or physical or not at all whatsoever.
I realise that receiving punishment from another person just because I didn’t want to do something, was just because it was all done out of a starting point of fear and lack of control, no matter what it. And if i were to do the same thing, that would not be in my best interest to do and go about anything, because fidgeting is not a natural state of the human body, it was only imprinted and imposed and CAUSED by someone else, and how other people have come to live this as the flesh, when it is not a natural act. It was only adopted as a lie, and how I so happen to come to adopt this lie and so called “natural” act, when in fact it was only anxiety and stress from someone who wanted to rush me and was in fear if i didn’t eat at all and thought I would die and she would’ve been the the person to blame for letting me die. And how I was only dependent at the time and was not aware of me at all whatsoever. Not a thing, but only had fun while I was there to witness my aunt and WHO She really was, as an abuser and a strict like personality as she had it from and for herself that she developed herself as this character. That is not even her at all whatsoever, it’s something who she’s adopted and come out to be and live as the living flesh as a lie for the worst.
I commit myself to be stable and calm and here as breath in reality, and focus on what I am doing at hand and focus on what I am doing, until it is fully completed, whether a book, project, article, business deal, or anything at all. And to realise that I am nowhere else, but here in the physical present as life reality awareness. For as I see myself as life and life awareness resonance to reality to improve and adapt for the better to live the living change as flesh!
I commit myself to become more and more patient and urgent with myself, when things are to be noticed and seen as opportunity in business and in life, and be here with others, when and if i am around people for business or just a party or anything to have fun for. For as I see myself as life and life awareness resonance reality to improve and adapt for the better and to live the living change as flesh!
I commit myself to be patient with my kids and my wife, and help them with what they are in need of and how I can be of actual true help and to be there for my family for the better. And to be patient with them as stopping myself and breathing slowly, and realise that I am here and they are here as well, and how we can enjoy this moment and to be able to take care of them, while they are eating, having fun somewhere, and being aware of me and what is going on in reality. Whether in a park, at home, or in public, and to help them do the same as well, with explanation and common sense of stability and understanding for me, and my wife and my kids for the better. For as I see myself as life and life awareness resonance to improve and adapt for the better to live the living change as life as flesh.
I commit myself to help my directors, employees, senior partners, clients, colleagues, salespersons, to be here as breath and to stop and breathe slowly, for whatever it is we are doing and use the tools that are presented, so we can truly be an actual stable organization and complete and achieve much more than ever before. And to do what we need to do in this world to make it a better and cleaner place for all, for as I see myself as life and life awareness reality resonance to improve and adapt for the better to live the living change as flesh!
I commit myself to write self forgiveness of what is not best within me and realise them through breathing statements and to stop and breathe slowly and be here as breath and life reality awareness and redirect to what it is I need and want to do for the better. To write self realisation statements to realise what I had reacted to and have reacted to that was not in my best interest, and within that, I commit myself to write self commitments to re-correct myself and to improve and adapt for the better to live the actual living change. And to use the tools of TechnoTutor, support, Desteni I Process, journey’s and heaven’s life blogs to rebirth back to life and how life really should’ve been for me for the better. For as I see myself as life and life awareness resonance to improve and adapt for the better as reality resonance and awareness for the better to live the living change as the flesh!
No comments:
Post a Comment