Day 21: Punishment as Yelling

 

 

Punishment as yelling

(Read Aloud and Breathe)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that as parents as mother and father punish my child for yelling and then punishing them for yelling at my child. Just because my child had made a mistake that was not in my best intention, and how I need to punish and yell at a copy of me, that has now betrayed me not thinking and not realizing that my child has made a mistake, when in reality and fact, I had made my child to be this way, through my reactions, and impulsiveness just because I could never express myself into the best ways possible. Just because I never knew how to express myself in the best ways possible for stability and understanding, instead I had to express all the time and every time in anger, and never in common sense and stability, it was always in explosive anger and then when things got worse, my child would try to in attempt to get back at me, and then later my subconscious mind and unconscious mind would later make a stupid accusation that isn’t even real common sense and real and how it doesn’t even make sense just because I want to bring something up and explode it and make it be used as ammo later to be exploded upon my child as if I haven’t a clue of what real parenting even is. And how Iff nothing is going my way, I need to show my pattern and assume someone else’s pattern of what they’re doing, and then i end up bringing up in possible misfortune of my response and end up fucking everything just because I never saw this through and only always thought it in my mind and never saw it in real life. Just because I wanted to express my anger to teach my child a lesson, when in fact, and reality, that was not the best way to go about anything, just because i “thought” that was the best way, because it was my principle and how false of a principle for life and parenting as it was, and even when my child would scream at me and challenge me to say not every parent should be doing that. And how I had to question my child in a bluffing manner and had to do it in a very arrogant and ignorant way, as if I have the better light than my child, thinking I have the upper hand and not see my child as an one equal, because I never did, and how that caused me so many consequences to my relationship with my child. And nothing ever worked out, just because I thought and only thought that my way is the better way, because it teaches my child ANY child in my way to be taught a lesson, when in fact, that is the biggest fucking lie I have ever believed in my whole entire life to be yelling as punishment to my child just to think that I have the better upper-hand about anything. Even when I had to lie to my child just to get what I wanted, because I had to complain and how I had done the same thing when I was a baby and child growing up, I had to scream and cry and complain and throw a fit, with multiple temper tantrums. And then my parents eventually gave me what I wanted in panic and how I had to do the same thing to make my child be in panic and to give me what I wanted, when in reality and fact, this whole, I have been nothing but a deceiver this whole time, in assumption and thought patterns off what I thought others make as a pattern. In order for me to reveal my pattern that I never changed for myself just because I want to imprint upon another in threat if they do it again, this is what I will do. When in fact, I have never realised that I would end up doing the same thing and PREDICT my own pattern if this person does that pattern again in my own assumption and threat as ammo. And gain many things that I have caused for myself and for what I have accepted and allowed as me and how I live who I am as me, when in fact and reality, what I all have accepted and allowed throughout my whole life, has been a lie, with no purpose, and going to place to place and inter-dimensional and dimensional thought patterns to think that I think is right and no one is right but me, when this whole time and reality and FACT, that I am nothing but a liar and deceiver. Just because I wanted to lie in my OWN WAY, just to get what I WANTED in self interest and greed and how much of a shitty character and a person that I am and who I have truly have become for the worst, because I never thought of changing my patterns, because I’ve always beLIEved this whole time that i am what I am and this who I have become, when in fact, that is just another lie. However, I just never realised it this whole time, when I am in pure anger, I have no other solution but to yell and express myself this way in immaculate dishonesty just just because I thought that the way I am is the way I will always be. And that is another lie too. So what will I do?Nothing about it, because I have been irresponsible and only taking responsibility for the wrong things my whole life and never did it for what is best for everyone in the family. Nor for others, nor for myself, because I always participated more and more in my mind, and of course obviously nothing ever worked. Consequently that I never knew what I was doing this whole time, because I was just never aware and only participating more and more in my mind as if it were to be real, when in fact, it was just deceiving lies that I have come to live as truth, when they are not in actuality even true at all. They were all false to me and to everyone, no matter how hard I tried to tell myself that those are lies, but I still continue to live them and be them and act them as they are as they are. When in fact and reality, I am not those lies, I’ve just accepted and allowed those lies to be as they are and how I have come to perfect myself as a living lie and how I have never done anything about it. But refined it and improved it and adapted to it in the worst ways fucking possible. Can you beLIEve that?, such an atrocity that I have accepted for myself in dishonesty, and how I’ve never become so honest with myself, because I was so so so so soooo dishonest about everything I’ve ever done, no matter how I treated others. It all came down to my relationship with myself, and that relationship was never the best, because why?, I never trusted myself. Because also my parents as well, and who I ever grew up with never trusted themselves, so I became to not trust myself either, and I asked myself, why should I trust myself either?, when these people don’t trust themselves? Because I never knew what true self trust even was, and I never knew how to get out of any situation that I wanted to get out and make better for my ultimate advantage and with others as well, so we could all benefit. However, evidently, and obviously, nothing ever changed, because I was never here in reality, I was always in consciousness and some type of luck driving thing that things would change automatically by themselves and when I would come back to my child and say that you never changed, when he would yell back at me when I would’ve been the first one to yell at him. Just because I never was in realisation that I was yelling at him, and now I have come to realise, that I never changed my patterns and only thought they would on their own, when I have lied to myself that I would change and my child would change, and holy shit, that never happened for me. Because I never changed myself, because I was NEVER NEVER NEVER, fucking never, I tell you in unnecessary exaggeration to tell you that I was dishonest and wanted you to do and go about my way only and only my way. And how I never wanted to tell you the truth, because I thought that living lies is the best way to live life and think things will be okay, when in fact, it will not, because of our patterns and how we act and conduct ourselves on a daily basis, in self dishonesty, and defected thinking and how have defected work as well, because of OUR self DIS-HONESTY, dismissing, dissing, our honesty, dissing our responsibility, dissing our life as here, dissing our patterns as here and not even realising them, because we have truly DISSED our honesty and my own honesty most importantly. In fact, no matter how much I tried and how hard and smart I was in dishonesty and honesty in contradiction to reverse that way I am living my patterns and how nothing has ever changed. And wanted my patterns for the better, obviously nothing ever changed for the better, that I never knew how, because I always thought everything I did, was never needed for help, never needed for advice, because if I ever got advice, I would yell back and be dishonest with not wanting help. When in reality, I only thought that my way was the best way. And how no one else’s suggestions and recommendations were of consideration to be applied for, because the words and definitions that I had for myself and what I have conjured up until this very time and moment of realisation, that they were ALL wrong definitions, and nothing was communicated clearly for stability, instead it was for instability. And nobody ever benefitted, and of course, I never did, in fact, I was accepting and allowing others information and made it as my own, when in fact, it was just dogma of my own reality from others and how I have accepted and allowed it to be that way. And refined and redefined it in ways, that was not best for me, nor my child, nor for how I expressed myself in dishonesty and irresponsibility and dissing my own responsibility and disengaging my engagement for my own self interest and greed spitefulness that how I thought my way was the best way, and only my way is the better way to life. Even when I am so quick to deny, that my way is not the best way, when in fact, I have lied and that is dishonest, because then I go right back to my own very pattern that I have lived once before and have always lived  before and up until this very moment as it is being realised just right at this instant. Therefore, I am nothing but a deceiver, a liar, a moron, an idiot, who is just trying to live my own world in spite and spitefulness, that no one else deserves a better life, nor do I deserve it all, because of my excuses this whole time. Even how I want to retire and now become a deadbeat for the worst, and how I have given up on my life and for others lives as well, because I thought my way of living life is much better in laziness and have to not want to be motivated to do anything. Because in fact and reality, I have no purpose anymore, and retirement is not a purpose, it is just another form and reality of abdicating what life would have really been for me, if I hadn’t given up. And now that I have given up my life, I have truly given up everything and now I have nothing but my self interest and deep down spitefulness, even when I don’t think I don’t have it, it will always be there, if I have yet to forgive myself of it for the better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be spiteful towards my child as if my way is the best way, when in fact, being spiteful and yelling back at my child is not the best way really to go about anything. And how I know that, but I do it anyway, because it’s impulsive within me and I am still trying to deceive myself trying to be honest but I am still dishonest, no matter how hard I try to reverse and fix the patterns. And fixing it with my mind, is just like throwing a boomerang out into the open and not realising for a while, that it will eventually come back and if I am not in realisation of it coming back, it will end up knocking me in the head or part of my body, then now I am truly just fucked. That something of what I have not yet to realise will come back to bite me, as the pattern has yet to be changed for the better, instead it was kept for the worst. No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried to change my patterns, nothing ever really changed for me, for the better at all, it was always detrimental acts. And how yelling at my child is going to make him be imprinted to yell at others, even if they think their patterns that he/she is going at will ever change or not even at all whatsoever, no matter what they did, and what they thought as common sense. When in fact, it was just all an assumption and not even bothering to see the obvious and realise our detrimental ways of being and living as we are, because we are not what we are and think to be. That this whole time, we and I have been living lies this whole entire time in assumption and expression in anger and spitefulness for the worst.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to yell at another, just because it is only in my assumption to think that anothers’ patterns will be the same in my own prediction and rightful thinking. When in reality and fact, it has been an assumption for my own consequence if I do end up doing it this way, and if i keep this pattern and not realise it now that I am in realisation of it now, and to not try to give myself a backdoor to anything. There is always growth to everything, and if that were to be the case, as it is, then I need to forgive myself of the atrocity that I have accepted and allowed as me and who I am and this who I have become up until this whole entire actual time. Without further ado, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to contradict myself into a pattern of not realising it is a contradiction of what is and what is not and what could’ve been considered as common sense, however, I did not realise that way, because I was always in anger and wanted others to feel my wrath, when and if my father and mother, or anyone at all for business or not, to make a mistake and how things are taking so long to be completed for anything. And how I have to give this person a lesson into what is going on, and how I have not yet come to realise that if they keep this pattern up and going from person to person, how is it ever going to work?, it’s like if one buyer doesn’t work out, and then you go to another one, and then another one, and then another one, how do you even know it’s ever going to really actually work?, just because your name is on the document in life, and you try to go out there, and find multiple people, without a real person that makes an executive decision and not some person trying to be a spokesperson for someone else, and if you're not the decision maker?, what makes you think you can do that on your own and eventually find the right person?, wasting a bit more time than the actual usual for something even to be completed and for all parties to benefit. Like i don’t get the actual logic that this person or any person is doing that, and how in reality, it has been common sense, but for me to react illogically, without even voicing it, is me just trying to self dishonest about what I want and what I want it for, without even expressing in common sense and practicality for it is and as it is, and for what it will even be and leave out contradiction.

I forgive myself forgive myself accepting and allowing to not realise that this underlying pattern was not yet to be realised up until now and how I was playing out the unnecessary scenarios in my head and how I was gonna be on a call with someone or in person. To yell at them and tell them they are a piece of shit and you are a waste of time and you are not worthy of this continuation of life and ability in business and in life. And no matter what you do, you're gonna be a failure and you’re going to make it with this pattern that you think is going to happen and be successful. When in fact and reality, I would’ve been the same person to tell that to myself if I was making another mistake and didn’t realise what I was even doing to punish myself as my parents would and have done to me my whole life and never realised. That it was only another expression of not knowing how to express myself, because I never I could’ve done it in common sense and stability and practicality of what it is and for it is, and how and what we and I could’ve done for the better, when in fact, i was just trying to play out the scene and try to want to act it out. When in fact, I am just another copy of my father and did not realise that trying to yell at another for their mistake is in my expression of knowing how to express myself, but only do it in that way, as if I’ve gotten a clue of what to do and how to do it, when in fact, that was not the best way to go about anything, and of course, i never did it, that’s why I’m writing this now and speaking it. However, if I did do it, i would’ve experienced all sorts of scenarios and play out scenes of my detrimental act and impulsive act from my unconscious to the subconscious to the conscious act, where I don’t even know what the hell I was trying to get myself into, just to downplay someone else, like I would’ve done to myself and accept and allow another person to do the same thing to me, as my father had done to me. In the wrong impulsive, automatic pattern as me, when it is not me, it was only what I had and have accepted and allowed as a truth and living act habitual pattern, that is not even real, that is not even what’s best for all, nor is it for me, or anyone, matter of fact, for anyone for that matter. Because no one deserves to be yelled at and punished, and deem to redeem yelling as a punishment, when in fact, it was just pure assumption and living act as contradiction, and it was yet to even be investigated at all whatsoever.

When and as I see myself wanting to yell at another and punish a person for their mistake in my own assumption and their mistake as it is, as seen and not question why it is in stability and calmness, I stop and breathe. I realise that yelling at another person is only in assumption because I never knew how to express myself either, just because it was just an accepted and allowed pattern as assumption, as all things and anger and fear is assumption. And when and if it is to be, sometimes it is predicted from ourselves, just to think it will be our next act, if it does tend to happen, and how we and I were never in realisation of what it is and what could’ve been prevented and redirected into what was best in common sense and practicality and stability. Therefore, it was never that way, and now that I’ve come to realise this, this is good, for me to stop the pattern, so I will not act this and end up losing my opportunity and blowing myself up and having something of opportunity to prevent and redirect into what is best within stability and common sense, and full shear honesty and actually practicality with myself first, before I try to act out in incomprehensible reaction as low self esteem. Because all negative reaction, and reaction to anything of assumption, fear, words, acts, some type of prediction in anger and assumption and spitefulness, is all LOW SELF-ESTEEM. No matter what, doesn’t matter. And now that I have come to this very moment and time of opportunity to understand this, I feel like I am free of this and I am for the better to redirect myself as self directive principle with more developing common sense and stability and practicality for the better.

I commit myself to realise these patterns more and more and stop myself before it happens, and prevent and redirect, at any moment and be effective in my communications, whether it is in a meeting in a boardroom or anywhere for business or not at all. Whether it is with my family as well, with my wife and kids and other colleagues as well, to show stability and effectiveness within myself as myself, for who I am and will become for the better. In true understanding of myself and the situation in a different context of what is being presented at hand. And if I don’t know something, I will ask a question and ask for and/or about something out of curiosity and practicality, if it were to be the case with myself and with others. When and if we are doing a deal of anything for business, and/or either just going out to eat, or travel anywhere for business and/or just excursions for an actual purpose as it is and for what it is to be for as an opportunity for the better. For as I see myself as living the living change as life awareness and resonance reality as here, to improve and adapt for the better!

I commit myself to express myself in the best ways possible, of stability and see what things could’ve been and could’ve been better, and play out those scenes and see what is needed to be done, before something is bound to happen as a goal, objective, procedure in business and in life and relationships as it is for what it is. And to do things in my life and actually simplify it and realise what needs to be improved and/or kept going at, if it is good already, and if not, let’s improve it and adapt to it in the best ways for actual simple acts. For the best results of our effective input, will be our effective output as result and action in production and expression as we and I are as a company/corporation, and as a family for the better. For as I see myself as life and life awareness reality, and to live the living change as life to improve and adapt truly for the better.

I commit myself to realise and understand what needs to be done and I do it and understand what I am doing and realise what and where I am and how I can conduct myself into the right direction with help and support of myself and others along me and beside me as well for the better. And to do everything and anything I do and help others witness and see what it is like to simplify and improve and adapt to make things truly simple for myself and for others. And to consider what another person is saying that has the results of what I want and want to have as I see as simply, and to question why that is and the purpose for it, even if they mention, why does matter?, it matters for all of us to understand, even if we don’t get it just yet. Context and simplicity is the key to everything, no matter what it is, in business, life, relationships, inventing, whatever it may be for the better. For as I see myself as life and life awareness, reality resonance, to live the living change as life, and to improve and adapt for the better!

I commit myself to write self forgiveness to forgive myself of what is not best within me and realise what they are and as they are, and prevent them before it even happens, and if I cannot write it as if I am in a meeting or anywhere. I will stop and breathe and realise that I am here, and become effective within myself and take responsibility for what is here in common sense and actual practicality for the better, for things to truly be a success, no matter how far or close we are, we will get there and push it past the limit and always keep going, no matter what anyone says and thinks. And within that, to write breathing statements to realise what if something were to happen again, I will stop and breathe and redirect myself in the best direction for my life for the better while I interact and conduct myself and with others as well. And to within the realisation statements, to realise what I had and have reacted to in the past and what I have now come to realise that wasn’t in my best interest at all, and realise them with simplicity for it is and what it is for the better. And within that, I commit myself to write self commitment statements to re-correct myself into what is best for me and how I conduct myself and interact with others as well, for business, relationships, colleagues, and anywhere and anything of what I do. And to live this living change as life, for the better, for as I see myself as life and life awareness reality as here as me, to improve and adapt for the better.