Day 34: Make it Your Vindication for ABUSE!

 

 Vindication?

(Read Aloud and Breathe)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take some type of justification and vindication to take revenge and avenge someone just because this person or any person has made me feel bad about myself in the past. When in fact, it was also me, and how I can’t just try to justify to blame and accuse another just because of their impudent mistake and upon my mistake as well. And how I didn’t realise this person wasn’t trying to hurt me, I just wasn’t ready to talk and chat at that particular level of conversation and level of intelligence to deal with higher levels of money. No matter if it was the person or not, no matter how much money it was, it was just the subject and how and what I didn’t, and that I’ve only abdicated myself to think that oh crap, what if I don’t know what i’m talking about when I do present this. And someone just shuts me down and how I will be able to ever get that opportunity again, just like in the past and how bad I messed up, just because I said the ‘wrong’ thing, when it was me who didn’t have the information at the time, and how it made me want to take a vengeance towards another just because i thought they did something to make me feel bad. When in fact, it was only me, and how i didn’t realise, that my dad did this to me when I was little and growing up, not realising that i was being vindicated, without even truly realising what the hell was is even going on in the first place. Nobody told me, nobody knew, nor did i know, so no wonder I got so much of the anger and hate and wanting take blame and revenge and vengeance upon one another, just because I was not fully aware of what someone was doing to me, without me truly ever knowing that if it was actual verbal abuse or not at all whatsoever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a father to make my son and child feel as if he is one to blame and when he didn’t do what I wanted him to do. I always took the vindication route and did it with hostile verbal abuse and made him feel clueless and not know what just happened to his own behavior and how I didn’t like what my copy of me was doing, and how I was making him more a copy of me. And how I was ever just making it much worse and making him feel much more like an inferior individual than I, in fact, I never saw him as a one and equal, never did, and never will. Because I only wanted to abuse him, and teach him lessons and many many many many horrible abusive lessons, by verbal, and physical, no matter what it was. Even when he couldn’t answer the question, I only always wanted to hurt him and make him feel like shit even more, just because I expected him to know the answer and give me the answer right now and right away. Whether he knew it or not, I abused him more and more and more, and he made him feel even less of himself and less of his own mind, and be his head all day long. As if nothing is actually going, when in fact, there is abuse and hurtful unexplainable emotions that are just pure energy and cannot be explained, because of the ineffective vocabulary that he has and that I have. And how I now realise that I only vindicated my son and child just because I only wanted to teach him a lesson and be aggressive like a shit head communist myself, and how I grew up in communism before I came to the U.S. Not knowing a thing, but the abusive past that I had to forget and suppress to and within myself as if I hadn’t and haven’t gotten a clue of what real life and stability truly is. Without ANY abuse, no matter what it is, what it is, and why it is, doesn’t matter, and how I only ever hurt him more than I ever intended to do so. Because I was abused the same way, and how this went on and on and on and and and fucking on, not ever knowing if a generation fo teaching of this way would ever end until it is realized right now. And how much anger and sadness and spitefulness that I have caused to my own child, like how my parents have caused me and how I need to cause it to my son and child. Just because he is not actually worthy of life. Because he never was, and he never will be, because I never was, and how his life is right now, he will never make it, due to my own assumptions and how bad I hurt him. Not knowing what’s going through my mind and his mind, to when the incident happened, even when I expected him to give up his troubles in one foul and fell swoop, as if he would ever forget it. When in reality and fact, he didn’t know what was going on, no wonder he was feeling so sad and depressed and angry by himself and even at me. Even at random times, when things would pop up within his life, not ever realising where it even came from and how painful it was to ever remember what happened within and in the past. And how abusive and painful I was to my own child, a I was done the same way, no wonder I am so brainwashed into an abusive way of teaching and parenting and made him disrespect me and want to disrespect me for who I am and who I have become and accepted and allowed as me. Therefore I am not even me, I have only created it to be me to accept it and allow it as me, not ever and even realising what I was doing and how I was also abused in the very past well. How tragic of me, to do such a thing when I didn’t know what was going through my mind and for my child to do as a mistake and for me to punish him and vindicate him. To soon to want to take some type of vengeance and blame towards me with great anger and spitefulness, and sadness and deep sorrow as if it never existed and exploded out of nowhere onto me and upon me. As if my life was in danger, when in fact and reality, I was also putting my child in danger of his life and threatened him if he ever did something and not quit it, I would only make it ever worse. And possibly even kill him, not realising he wanted to do the same within his secret mind, as well as my secret mind, and how powerful and ugly it is to be, how dark and ugly and defamatory, as it is to be. And how I had to defend my own excuses and how I teach and do my own way, and never the actual true definition of what I was doing as the opposite of clearing the blame and suspicion to make him feel as if he wanted to blame himself for the act and how it is and was to be. Not ever knowing what the actual true meaning of anything is, but only protecting and defending my own opinions and threatening opinions to my way and fact of life. And how I had to prove myself to be right, and prove my son and child to be wrong, as I thought and assumed to make it that way and how bad it was to be and actually felt within me and for him to feel a different way that is not acceptable. Nor is it of stability at all whatsoever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defend and do my own way, as if I needed to take vengeance and revenge upon one another and protect my way and opinions as if they were right. And never wrong, when in fact and reality, I took my own wrong, and made it even worse, and never knew the actual situation and what truly ever happened at a fundamental level at all whatsoever. Not knowing what and how the timeline of my own consequences had come and come up to be at this very moment and time. No matter how hard it is and was to be, and no how matter much hidden rage I had and have left within me to take revenge upon some fool that assumed to be within my mind and what I see as a quick judgement and harsh fiery criticism of threat and murder. As if no one ever deserved an actual life, because I never believed that I deserved to ever have the best life, because no one and not even my parents helped me to have the best life to be, they only ever wanted me to be another slave just like them. A slave to the mind, a slave to the system, a and slave to my parents, a slave to myself as the flesh, a slave to other people, a slave to my wife, my husband, whomever the fuck it is. No one deserves to be threatened and assumed to clear and so called ‘defend’ their opinion and right of way just because it  clearly shows abuse and how bad it was and is. How much pain there was after, how much grief, and anger and resentment to want to hurt another by assumption and anger, and sadness, just because I didn’t even have a great childhood, i had a great childhood of abuse, and no that’s not funny. If that happened to anyone, you wouldn’t be in the position you didn’t want to be in, nor did I.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defend my complacency and latency for the position of where I am in my life and how nothing is of worthiness to me and how I feel as if I've gotten nothing for me and for myself. When in reality, I am only trying to pity myself for something that was assumed to me and how I came to create my life to where it is now, not even realising how things are the way they are in sequence and the massive ulterior consequences that have occurred for the worst. I just didn’t realise how they were never questioned and challenged, to where and how my environment actually and even was to be. And thin my future is, how troubling and trembling it feels right now, not knowing when things will ever change and how much more I want to defend my complacency and how it is always emerging constantly as if something needs to fall out of the sky for me for my prayers and wishes and hopes to be manifested and vindicated to suppress the complacency and latency that I’ve always accepted and allowed and never questioned why that ever was. In the first place at all whatsoever. And now that I am self honest, I can finally realise it more and more, of why and where things usually come from, even if it feels just unknown and being within the mind, won’t help either.

When and as I see myself wanting to deviate and defend and assume by abuse and verbal abuse and physical abuse to get back at someone with my own assumption of what happened in the past, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself not using common sense and just pure abuse and impatience to get my own way and defend it, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself trying and attempting to rush and abuse my opportunity in assumption as if I don't know what anothers’ capabilities and my own capabilities and abilities are, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself wanting to take the wrong assumption of vengeance and revenge upon one another, it is in reality me taking revenge upon myself to lose an opportunity for me to advance, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing my reality as a complacency and latency and not doing anything about it, I stop and breathe, and redirect myself to do what is best and what works for me for now and to get the momentum going.
I realise that my protecting and defending my own justifications that aren’t of validity and none of common sense is only another reality and form of pain and sorrow to what has happened within me in the past. And to me and at me, as I have never realised what was going on, as I was being taken revenge and vengeance upon. As if i did something wrong, when in fact, it was just a mere assumption of deep strict rules and how I didn’t know there were strict rules and how there was actual punishment. Even painful punishment, verbal and physical abuse, as I never saw it before, until I truly experienced pain and physical pain from a person who never had my best interest at heart in the first place. No matter what I had experienced and what my father was experiencing just because of his sheer punishable and questionable anger. To in the form of expectation and high standards of punishment if a thing was not done, was in actuality, all abuse, no matter if for manipulation, being set up, accused, blamed, suspicious of. And how i never knew what was actually going on, before I was struck and didn’t know what I did that was wrong. I just wasn’t actually truly aware, because he never could explain anything to me, so I can understand, therefore, he never understood either. So he had no choice but to take it out on me and release his ugly anger upon me, and destroy my toys, my belongings, as if it didn’t matter to him and for what I was doing to have fun. And how I now realised that he was afraid to not tell me so I won’t complain, when my ego was being fed the whole time with toys and no money knowledge, no books, no vocabulary learning, no nothing. It was all verbal punishment, feeding my ego with toys and many things of me not ever noticing why punishment was ever truly even a thing. When in fact, and reality, it is only a thing to low self esteem people, and for those who don’t understand the ramifications and consequences it would lead up to that also made me want to take actual ugly revenge upon my own parents and father as well. As if that person was me, and how another copy was taking revenge upon its main creator and teacher and a copy of a coping mechanism to imprint such abuse. How atrocious that is.

I realise that I was only being abused for misunderstanding and disregarding strict rules that I never was even there the whole time within my father’s secret mind. And how i now know what he was doing, and never could turn it around for the better, it was only an exploded reaction like an automated freight train going more than a 150 miles per hour and not stopping coming at you. As if there was no tomorrow for actual life at all whatsoever for me. Tragically atrocious act, for that I never knew what was actually going on, and how reality was already here, but abuse was being vindicated upon me with true dishonest misunderstanding from my father and then to me. Because I never knew what was going on when the abuse first happened, without even knowing actually and truly why.

I realise that how my reality and how reality works for me without even knowing how it works anymore without any type of punishment to ever occur, and now it is me who does it to myself, not realising the ramifications and common sense that would lead me down a path to destruction upon my own self. As if it were to be really really real and actual reality as a conning my own sequence to what I was supposed to have in my life. And how this whale time I have been defending and conning my own sequence to whatever I wanted, and how slowed and frustrating at times, for things to not come into my possession and present view. Just because I am in fact, impatient within myself, as how my father was impatient within himself and how he made me feel the same, yet just also in pain and abuse for the worst part of all combinations and varying degrees for the worst. I even remembered, how I wanted things, and when we came to a store, and bought something, and when we were about to leave, he yelled at me and told me to return what I had and how he didn’t have enough money as an excuse for me to give up what I had and manipulate me into having nothing to use and have fun with. And how he threatened me to get out of his truck and I got out, and told him to leave and cursed at him to leave and let me be. And I’ll walk home without home, and how I never realised how bad of a vengeance and revenge I wanted to take out upon him and murder him and kill him and rip him to shreds. It was only my hidden anger that I was abused with physically, not knowing why it ever occurred to me to realise what i had ever done wrong, all I wanted was to have fun. And if i got in trouble, at least explain to me what I did wrong, and the consequences of it to be, instead there was no common sense, no logical reasoning, just purer explosive negative reaction. And pure violence and violent abuse, violent domestic abuse for the worst.

I realised that he never could explain it to me, he only wanted to explain it to me in short of abuse and violence and physical violence towards me and hurt me and make me cry. I just didn’t know how bad it was going to get as if I didn’t know what my decisions were ever going to leave me to and lead to me. Instead it led me to a distasteful future, and that was it, nothing ever more for the better, it was always abuse, no matter what I did. I never could succeed, I never could get the things I wanted, because it was all fucked from the starting point from an unstable person who never knew any better, and who never knew what common sense was, who never knew what stability and emotional stability was along with financial stability. It was always for denomination to be like one another as nothing but a  slave like copy, and if it rebels against me, I will hurt it all i can, and never stop until my copy ever learns the consequence in deep pain and anger and deep intense revenge for death. Common sense was never within the home, was never within the individual, was never within the environment, was never within education, was never within nutrition, was never was emotional stability, was never within financial stability. Was never within actual real skills, was never within truly self sufficiency, was never within true actual leadership, was never within actual learning and cooking, of and/or of anything, no matter what it was, it always thwarted. Nothing was ever achieved, it was in LACK. that is fucking it. Nothing more.

I realise that trying to contemplate and take revenge upon someone, is only taking revenge upon someone for what I have accepted and allowed myself as abuse from another. And now wanting to do it out of nowhere, is not acceptable, but trying to bring up something that was suppressed a long time ago, and to hurt another, if there were to ever be another encounter. When in fact and reality, it is only within my assumption of the near steps of the future and how I envision it so clearly as how I am conjuring energy within me. To act out the revengeful feelings again against this person or that person to anyone, and how that will not ever solve me to be, do and have anything. It’s only making me lose out ever of an opportunity of assumption and revenge for something that has been gone and suppressed for so long and the moment has gone by, but the vengeful memories were still there and how I never realised them up until this very moment and time right now as I speak and write this. And how much anger and vengeful feelings I’ve had thus and so far. And realising how my reality really is due to my own abuse to myself reliving memories and not forgiving myself of how I got up to where Ii am right now and participating so much within my mind. As if I haven’t a clue of what and how reality truly works, just because I have been abusing my opportunities and myself this whole time in complacency and latency in my efforts and along with my stubbornness to do it my way and abuse my own opportunity to get to where I could’ve truly have gotten to where I wanted to go. But in the past and recently, it was never my intention, because I never knew why and how reality actually truly worked with common sense for me and for others around me at all, nothing at all whatsoever.

I realise that I never knew how reality truly actually works and could’ve made it work for me, because I was always sleep walking throughout my life, as if things were gonna change in quick jump and snap. When in fact, it is not that way, because it was all based on theory and never of actual practicality and common sense, it was always on irrationality and irrational decision making upon self interest and self interested decisions that weren't best for me at all whatsoever.

I realise that my own vindication for reality and how I am defending it and how it is here for me, not even considering how it truly even works, is just form and reality of complacency and latency in my effort to think that something will come to me. When in fact, it is me who must create it, in order for it to be with me in actual proximity  and possession to use and do what’s best, but in fact, it was never there the whole time for me. Because, I just never saw it and how I was only defending my own truth, and not seeing the Real truth of reality and what it could’ve been for what could've been for what’s best for all.

I realise that I was in the past being so depressed all the time and never wanted to leave the house, because I was only in fact, defending my own truth and how reality worked for me, when in fact, it was not working for what’s best for me. I was only going against it and defending it as if I couldn’t let go, in order to know more and more of the actual real truth of what life and reality is and how it works and what I can do, to actually make it work for me. I just never knew how to do it at all.

I realised that I was only defending my own truth for a blinded reality and it blocked me and led me down a path of destruction and no opportunity to be taken, no matter how good or bad or neutral or even a learning lesson to be able to do differently. It was never brought to my attention, it was always learned in pain and consequence, never understanding at all whatsoever.

I realise that not ever having and wanting the opportunity to know how reality truly works, is just another form and reality of complacency and rejection for one’s own justifications and lies, as if I didn’t need anyone, and need no one, and not even, myself.

I realise that blaming another for what my situation is, is only me to blame, because I didn’t take the responsibility for what could’ve been best, I only did it, because I was ever so participating in the mind so much more than ever. Not realising that reality was always here, and how so many programs were within me, and now that I realize more and more of what is here, I can finally see now. And how I was only forcing what was only out of my reach and capabilities and abilities, and how I never could make it work to my ultimate advantage, it was always at my ultimate disadvantage to a varying degree, not knowing how to make it out of my situation as if i knew what to do to get out and make it work. It was never that way, never for a real solution at all.

I commit myself to understand with more common sense the real actual Real truth of common sense and how things work and how I can make things work to my advantage to get to where I want to go in life. And to see how others were doing and how I can do better along with them as well, along with the support and how far I can really go and exert my fortitude for and with my effort with common sense and how things can truly work for the better for me. And when things are getting better and better and better, I can also encourage others and show my results and how they can do the same as well. And how it all starts with me first, and what I can and see what is around me and what resources I have, who I am I connected with. What other people do I know that have something that I don’t have, and what I can do to get some feedback so I can improve my performance in my business and in my life, my relationships, my health, my emotional stability, my financial stability and growth within that. And for what can truly actually work for the better. For as I see myself as life and life resonance common sense reality as I am here, as it is here to be used and realised for the better to live the living change to improve and adapt for the better!


I commit myself to understand how things work and explain it to myself and simplify it to the point where it can Actually be used for Real, and for Real Practical use in reality, and not in theory. Practical use and common sense and logical reasoning is what can be able to achieved for the better from what is something big or small, and break it down into what achievable for now, and realise what I can do for the better in order to get to the place, opportunity, and situation that I want to be at with others. And to be able to work with others and be with others in the process for the better. For as I see myself as life and life awareness in reality resonance to improve and adapt for the better to live the real practical living change!

I commit myself to encourage and help my kids and with my wife to understand how reality works and how our decisions work with common sense and stability. And to help them understand how things work and explain it, and know where and what and how reality truly works and what can be achieved here as breath. Along the way as they grow up, they will really become self sufficient and a true genius for the better as I am becoming better and better in my life for the better as well! To help them simply to understand and speak with them and be patient with what they want to do and be there for them, with care and affection and love made real for the better, for as i see myself as life and life awareness in reality to improve and adapt for the better to live the living change as LIFE!

I commit myself to help my wife, my employees, my directors, my salespersons, my senior partners, to understand how reality works and how we can make decisions that are best for us and for the company and for our customers and clients. To work for the better, and to Actually Really work and test it out with common sense and go full out, step by step, and breath by breath of and along the way! For as I see myself as life and life awareness in reality to improve and adapt for the better! And to live the living change as LIFE!

I commit myself to write self forgiveness to forgive myself of what is not best within me, and to realise them through breathing statements, to stop and breath if a reaction so happens to come up. To stop and breathe and take Actual Directive Principle in the moment and be here and direct the situation, for no matter what I am doing, and/or even with others in a meeting or not at all in a meeting. Within that, to write self realisation statements to to realise what I have reacted to and had reacted to and what had affected me that didn’t actually serve me best to do what was meant to be done in order to help me understand what was going on in the moment and realise what was not best for me and what can be redirected for actual life productive results. Within that, I commit myself to write self commitment statements, to recorrect myself into what is best for me and how things actually work and can work for me practically and how I conduct my day, my business, my life, and with others and interacting with others as well. And to use the tools of TechnoTutor, the support groups, and clear understanding of communication with others and for myself. Along with the journey to Life blogs to Rebirth as life, step by step, breath by breath for the better. For as I see myself as life and life awareness in reality to improve and adapt for the better with the support as well!