Day 70: Redefining Work

 

 Work

(read aloud and breathe)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I do have the wrong definition of work and having to want to go home and not do anything with my life and how I am not apt to making money as I would to. And always having to have the impulse and impetus of an opinion of  not wanting to help another, and how it is also as well as a reflection of me and how i don’t want to help me. And how this is all stemming from my parents and how they forced me to work and do things that I didn’t want to do and instead wanted to do what I wanted to do that made me feel good to go outside and play. And whenever i couldn’t my father would  scream at me through the phone or even right in front of the house and sometimes he would literally grab me  by the arm, and drag me while my shoelace was cause within the bike spoke chain of the biggest wheel near the pedals and then he would slap me in the face really hard and make me cry and how no matter what i wanted to do. I was abused for having fun and how I have done that to myself in the modern day of how my life is, and where it has ended up as it is right now, and how I am not really having fun with what i am doing and just abdicating my responsibility to abuse myself, as my father had abused me and how I don’t like working and have to do what I am obligated to do and not even bother to create a business of my own and how I never liked doing any of the things that was best for my business. I only kept doing the things that i Wanted to do, that were not best, such as jacking off to porn, talking with friends, wanting to watch constant youtube videos after to youtube videos as a non-stop delusion assembly like that I was literally creating for myself that for which something always came different and how I was so deep within the random hole of abandoning what I thought was not important to me and how I never got anything done that i wanted to do, just because it ‘felt’ good, and how it was not really that good for me, although it was good for entertainment, however, I was not really doing anything about the information, because i wasn't able to apply the information at the time and how it is like that sometimes, and how when people say they don’t know how to do anything or even a small insignificant mistake, and how a person, would just say, ‘it be like that’, and how they completely disregard what they think is best not to do. And just to leave it at that and disregard everything, and how everyone around would always express their opinion to disregard helping others, and how no one wants to help them, therefore, he/she doesn’t want to help others, and even so, they are afraid of helping others, because they are afraid of helping themselves. And how i have done the same thing, and how subtle it is sometimes, but I do it out of what’s  best for all, and how even sometimes, I do get stuck and/or ‘feel’ like i am ‘stuck’, when in and fact reality, it is only me living the living action and word of being stuck and abusive. Just because I was abused and then isolated for not doing what I wanted to do and wanted to have fun with and learn from, no matter if it may be sports or education or anything, my father would always jump in and say if you need anything, I will help you. But he has never helped me, nor did he ever ask me, he would always abuse me and take things away from me, and never let me be curious  to learn and do  what i wanted to do. And how that was never the actuality and case for me ever since, and how I have abused myself like he has done to me and how I don't want to be at any sort of place to make any sort of money, when there isn’t much going on. And how I just go into an idle moment, and completely do nothing with what is at hand and in my reality, that is right before, and how I am not even doing anything about it, to help myself. Because my parents always abused me whenever I did want to ask for help, they would always deny me as if they were ‘too busy’ to even help me do anything and how they always wanted to  attend to their opinionated excuses that was much more delusional and in fact more of a ‘feel good’ experience. And how that ‘feel good’ experience, was neglected in my view and understanding and how it hindered me for  so long to the point where I thought it was normal and how I noticed everyone else would also complain and want to go from work and/or not want to do their business and not work on it over the weekend and do things to make the world and their life and everyone’s life for the better. And how I was never able to be apt to realize that, until the past few days or weeks ro so, that people always made some type of opinionated excuse as if they are being forced to just be at a place, when they are forcing themselves. Because their parents forced them to do things that he/she didn’t like doing, and how they are now doing it to themselves without even realising the abuse they are congregating with others, as if no one even wants to cooperate with each other. Just because it is a job and acquiring money for now, to what he/she wants to do in their life. Whether it  be a business or some other thing to be within the system again and not lift themselves out of the system that they are in and truly become free to do what is best for all, whether it be a product or service that helps humankind and human beings to what it is that is needed in the world. And how i never liked the word work, because i never knew what the true meaning of it was, even though I was persistent and wanted to do things that I wanted to do, but never was able to truly ever be free to do what I WANTED to do, because I was also neglecting myself, just like I saw in my friends, my parents, and man, especially my deadbeat father who is a loser now, and how he tries to stop me and want to teach me and help now, thinking that they i don’t do something up and make a bowl of soup and rice to eat, just because i was hungry and wanted to eat something for now to be fueled to do what i want to do. And how sometimes, i would just postpone and stop from what i am doing and how i have no purpose and meaning to what i am actually even doing,  whether it may be for self forgiveness, technotutor, talking with people, not making the time for myself and abusing myself to go away from things that really need my attention and how it requires to be heeded to. And how I am completely disregarding what is heeding my attention as a requirement and how I am not even doing it. And how this was abused from my father and how i remembered on multiple occasions, but this would stood out to me the most, when i was there on my street in the neighborhood, while i was riding my bike with my friends, and as we were riding, my shoelace was suddenly caught into my bike chain with the pedals were, and how I was trying to get it out. And how my friends weren’t even helping me, and how my father had suddenly seen me and witnessed me, he came immediately and got some scissors as he noticed what had happened, and as we went up the driveway as he was grabbing my left arm behind me and dragging up the driveway and to beat the shit out of me for not being home on time and how he wanted everyone to be home and how i wasn’t able to do what i wanted to do. Therefore, the mother fucker never communicated anything to me, and only did things to me out of anger and wanted to hurt me and destroy my self esteem as it was bound to be destroyed at some point in my life. And how I never knew why he wanted to ever hurt me, because he was never able to truly ever express himself, and how i have been doing the same damn fucking thing to abuse myself, just like this fucking moron abused me. And how i never realised that he was not helping me to become effective and efficient in my life. He only wanted made me grow up to be ineffective and inefficient and stupid and dumb, and abusive to the point where one day he would call me evil, and how he has made me to be this way, and how i have accepted and allowed my life to be this way, and have lost my innocence for who i was. And how it wasn’t even me in the first place, therefore, he created another piece of an abusive characteristic character like quality that would instill within me and into my life and how I never knew why I was abusing myself when I want to do things that I wanted to do, such as the porn, hanging out with friends, wanting to do something else that isn't even serving me to the best of my ability and how I wasn’t able to make anything into its fullest expression that it ought to be and should’ve been in the first place. And how it was never that way, and how no wonder, this had affected how i was dealing and working with money, and had always spent it on other things and was truly never able to make anything a true valuable essence of creation for the code name value for the actual creation, of what i wanted to  do. And how no wonder I have corrupted with the code of work and having the wrong definition of work and  no wonder i never enjoyed any sort of business that I ever wanted to do, and how if i joined another business that was and would be triggering for me, I would up, feeling like someone is making off me and how i don’t like working for someone, so i’ll work for myself and never support myself. And have no money, and how I am abandoning something that I want to do and abuse myself. Just like how my father had done to me, to abandon what he was doing to get my inside and hit me in the face just because i wasn’t home and how the fucking idiot just came to grab inside the house ad hit the shit out of me to the point where i would cry so hard and out loud  to the point where my mother would scream at the fucker. And how he was abusing me for not being home and how he never communicated anything to me but wanted to show his abuse through his actions, therefore, he was never able to express himself articulately, he was inarticulate, and irrational, and how it made me to inarticulate and irrational in everything and anything  that I ever wanted to do. And how I never could be able to speak properly and efficiently, because I would be in the intermittence of stuttering and stammering over my words and how i would be able to communicate effectively, therefore, no  one would ever want to listen to me, not even myself, and not even bother to read over my notes that I’ve read and to be able to apply them. Because I was never able to do so, because I didn't have a proper education, my parents were never able to educate me, they would teach me they don’t know anything to teach me anything, therefore, they don’t know jackshit to me be teaching me anything. And especially my father who didn’t know jack shit either, and how he was never able to teach me anything, and now he wants to help me?, I think he should go elsewhere, and do something else, because he was never helpful, he was only helpful towards abuse and wanted to abuse me and do things that he WANTED me to do, therefore, I never was truly guided into achievement, I was only forever more guided into delusion and how I am doing the same thing to myself. Deluding myself in my life, having no real sle direction to make anything real, therefore, I was never abler to make and keep my money, therefore, nothing was ever able to be of a true validity like achievement, because i always wasted it all due to spending on stupid shit and wanting to do other things that other wants me to me to do. Especially because I am so insecure, and never wanted to make anything true of reality for me. Therefore, my reality was pure shit for the worst. Therefore, my life was never truly anything for the better, because I would abuse it due to wanting to do my own thing and never help anyone, and how my father had done to me, and how i was never in actual true realization of the unnecessary preventable abuse  that he was doing to me and now i am doing it to myself, 25 years later, fucking my life over. Especially with money, and my efforts and working with others and refusing to cooperate and not wanting to work with others to make a true success. And how i would always want to do things on my  own, therefore, I never wanted to work with others, because i thought  i was being forced to be with others, and how my father would always  force my mother  to be home to eat and myself as well. And how he never wanted to eat by himself, and therefore he should’ve and to hide his bullshit away from me and how I was not supposed to see it from him. But he abused me with his instability and unstableness to make me be with others. And how i am forcing myself to want to be with others, rather in fact, I feel as if others are forcing me to be with  others. And how no one ever explained to me that I should be with others and have to do something worthwhile and exciting and fun. And however since, I was never able to truly create what i wanted, because everything that i’ve ever wanted to do on my own, never worked out. Because I was so apt to be afraid of asking for advice and thinking to think that I thought that others are way too busy for me, therefore, I do not congregate with others and never connect with them. And how ever since, when my father had  done it to me,I would tend to isolate myself from his abuse and how i  was living his abusive tactics and ways of expression towards me with  no words but being inarticulate and how he would pressure me into things and how I never liked him doing that to me. But eventually, I accepted and allowed it without any question obeying the abuser that I was living that should’ve went to jail or should’ve been killed for child abuse. And how I was clearly being abused by myself who never had my best interest in my mind and especially my heart at all whatsoever. Nothing of the validity of anything. It was all false and all tarnished and abandoned and disregarded, because even then he would always disregard me in every manner, no matter what it is and was, he would always express some type of anger for just plain irrational stupid for the worst. And how I have found myself doing the same thing to myself just because It Was doing to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a father to deviate my son to what i wanted him to do with em and for me and how he was never  able to do nothing on his  own, because I always forced him to do things and how ever since, he was never able to trust, because I never trusted me. And how i would abuse him, out of instability and articulation of what i wanted him to do for me, and instead of  what was best for him, and how I ever wanted to do anything that would’ve been best for him. Because I never gave a fuck about the little fucking shit and how I never wanted to revel my anger side of in-articulation to him, therefore, he would always yell back at me and tell me to fuck off, due to my abusive nature and how i would always be persistent and make him cry and angered towards, to the point where he would never trust me ever again. Because I never any sort of trust  within myself, therefore, i  was always so insecure about wanting to hurt another, just because I wanted to release this unnecessary traumatic cause and effect type of pain onto my son and impose and imprint onto him the hurt and and emotional anguish like pain that I wanted him to feel for what I wanted him to feel and abuse that for which i wanted him to feel and not just for me to experience the loud yelling and anger that would despise the true reality of my undulating ulterior motive that was never supposed to be expression at all whatsoever. No wonder I am not able to trust myself, nor does my son even trust me anymore, nor does he have the respect for me anymore. And how i don’t even know who i am anymore to be trusting anodyne, due to my abusive nature and how i don’t even know why this ,due to my parents abusing me and how i would also as well refuse to participate with them and isolate myself, and how i am doing that to my son and how he is doing that to himself, and how he was never able to truly ever want to talk with us, therefore,  he would never want to talk with us, because he knows that we’re stupid sand irrational and unstable, because the way we would teach him for anything. We don’t know anything, therefore, we don’t know anything to be teaching him anything but the abuse, whenever he got int trouble, and how our parents would dot he same thing to us, when as we would get in trouble and fuck ourselves over with our ego, not ever considering the fact that how and why we were doing such a thing to ruin our own child and even ourselves for the absolute worst forever. Losing our respect to ourselves as we have already lost it from our son and how he never trusts us anymore, therefore, we are not trustworthy, nor were we even before he was born, and how this trustworthiness would be bound to be within my son’s life as well. And how even to the point when he would get in trouble for not being home  to eat with me and my wife and how I would  always force her to be home as well, and how I would never realise why I was doing this to abuse everyone and for what they wanted to do with their lives. And how i was so afraid of eating alone, therefore, I had to force everyone to be home and eat with me now and how i didn’t want anyone to not be home, while  i was alone and never wanted to abandon myself, like i had done since  I was  16, and now i am abusing that  to myself and to my son and my wife. Therefore, this was the relationship type of way that i had fucked  up for myself and for my son and how he would witness me abusing her and abusing him, and therefore, he was never able to trust himself, to do anything and to hate doing things that i wanted him to do, and even for the things he would later in his life want to do for himself, and how he would be most to be apt to not want to do what should be heeded for actual required attention therefore nothing in his life is of anything of purpose due to my abuse and imprinting actions and words upon him that were inarticulate but just showed and expressed abuse that was so instant that I could’ve even stop myself from about to hurting my son. And making him cry out loud in pain and anguish to not do what he wanted to do with his life. And therefore, he never trusts me, nor does he trust himself in my own assumption. And how i  have ruined his life, and just like how my life was ruined from my parents and how i also have as well ruined my life financially and emotionally along the way, abusing each and every relationship that I’ve ever had with anyone, and even my previous wife kids that i don’t even have anymore in my life. And how they don’t even talk with either anymore, because they know that i am abusive and how i know that I am abusive as well, therefore, no one trusts me, and how i don’t trust me either anymore. Because once I do something, I can not take it back, i’ve already paid for the consequence that was bound to happen as it already happened metaphysically with my mind and how it was bound to happen subconsciously to the point where I was about to ruin my son’s future and how he would pate within his life, and when it came to money making of any kind, he will never able to make more than me. That which I have stopped and hindered his growth process to the point where he will never be able to surpass me, when now that has the biggest regret that I have caused to m son and how he is broke and stupid as fuck due to my assumption and how he has never able to make more than enough money to support himself and myself, and as well in my expectation to be given something and be taken care of and how i am abusing that in  my  every  waking hour of living and breathing and step by step that i have done this to my son and how he will never know until one day he investigates this to realise that  I have truly fucked his life up, and how my life  was already fucked before he came into this world. No wonder he is not where he wants to be, do and have in his life, and how I was the who stunted his  growth, emotionally and physically, and how he will never amount to anything, no mater how big and substantial it may be, I am nothing but an abuser  who knows nothing but to abuse for the absolute, fucking worst. I am nothing but a pest, I am nothing but an evil person who has created an evil child and now an evil adult, and how I was the evil abusive bastard who ruined my son’s life. And how he is now sometimes retaliating on me, when I would do some stupid things that do not matter and how i have abused it all in every corner of my life and his life, due to my instability and unpredictable irrational reactions that are not best and how i am tryin to hold myself back from doing expressing them. But somehow, I end up doing it out nowhere, of the subconscious that was activated from the unconscious and how it  was slipped into the shelf of the decision to be finally picked out and abused and how I have ruined his life as it was expressed and  imposed and imprinted on abusively in the physical action and expression of my limitation and lack that which I have that has ruined his life forever. Financially, especially, and how i have accused  him multiple times, of how broke he is, and how he is not able to make anything of his life for the better, and that I have ruined his life, and how no matter what he does, I have  stunted his growth emotionally, and especially financially, and how I have never realised that i was the one who fucked his life to not be able to make any sort of money at all whatsoever. And always have some sort of underlying ulterior motive of money that would fuck over his chance in every decision and make that he would do, and how nothing was ever for the better for him ever since. How he would lose a bunch of money that I thought was a lot, but wasn't, because I made it so that it was perceived as a lot. Because that was my resonance to be able to handle only that amount of money, and how I would stunt his growth of how much he would ever make, and how i have done that to myself, and how that done to me from my parents, within that, and how it w as done to them and then before and before, and 7 generations and so on. And how this has come to a stop, because if I went any  further, my son and I would have caused great damage to each other, even death to me and myself for the worst.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse and isolate myself as a father and t my son and how i am doing this to myself as i am doing it to my son, and how I don’t even realise that I am as well denying my own reality and my own innocence that was already lost within and how I am trying to in attempt of unnecessary abuse to abuse and fester that from my son and make him lose his innocence and take his anger out on other people, when and as things would never go his way to the way he thought it ought to be, when reality does not work that way, it has to be with cooperation and collaboration. And how it was never able to do that, so I have no right to be giving any sort of advice, because of my advice is useless and worthless, because I don’t even use it, I only abuse it and use my own truth and my own truth matters most, and no one’s truth matters, because it is only a matter of opinion and bullshit, therefore, it does not matter to me. And how i do not care about anyone, nor their life, nor do i care about my own morals and how I have broken them so many times when I have to size ups someone who is coming to my home late at night, and how I have to disrespect someone that is trying to offer me with something and how i have to do the same thing to disrespect my son and wife, when and s they both would come home at different times and at night and/or even coming the next day and not being able to be home, while i was isolating myself and not doing anything but being nothing but a deadbeat. And wanting to retire and never work to create anything of value but to sit on my ass all day and do nothing as if life is coming to me. When I am the one who gets off my ass and goes to create it. To predict the future is to create it, but I am the one who shouldn’t be saying that, because I am not even living it, because even my son isn’t either in my own assumption, because I don't even know what he is doing, and how he is hiding everything from me. Therefore, I do not even deserve to see what he is doing, because he doesn’t trust me, nor am I even trustworthy at all whatsoever either. Therefore, within that, i was and will never be, trustworthy with my life or even of life itself, in it’s expression as it is, and if i die today, it won’t matter, because life will go on without me, because I don’t even give a shit about me and my life, therefore, nothing will ever be for the better.and how i don’t know why I want to be living anymore, I probably should just kill myself out in the backyard, while no one is home and how when they find me, they will be shocked to what i have done to myself, because i have no true purpose in my life to be creating anything, but abject poverty and for what I have caused my son to have and how he will never be rich and wealthy as he wants to be. Because of the imprinting and imposition that I have caused him, and if he does ever figure it out, he will make it, but for me, I will never make it, because of my insatiable refusal for life to be expressed to it’s meant to be fullest. And how i am leaving that up to chance for the absolute worst. No wonder I am not worthy of life, and how I have destroyed my son’s life emotionally and physically and how he will never enjoy his life’s work, and business and relationships, ever again anymore, whether he dis doing it or not, I don’t give a fuck, nor  a shit about anyone, leave me to die as my mother has died, my sister has died, and everyone around me who fucked them selves just like I have. I am now the last remaining moron that is living, even when it comes to having to say I love you to my son, I only say it out of guilt to want him to  say it back. But it will be that way ever again anymore, because he doesn’t love me, but i love him. Therefore, I do not love myself, I truly hate myself and how I hated my life, therefore, UI destroyed it with alcohol and drugs and cigarettes and how I have destroyed my son’s innocence and his ability to value creation for his life and how he was never taught any sort of value creation. He was only taught to fester it and abuse it, for the worst, and to never  be able to have enough, and to think when he does have enough he will sabotage it and soon to never have enough and be broke just like me. And be father like son and son like father, both  broke deadbeats, because of the abuse  that has been caused by me and how I was abused and let myself be abused. I am not a warrior, I am not strong, I am fucking weak. How fucking sad that shit is, what a fucking loser I am. I have  ruined my life, therefore, I have ruined as well my son’s life, and how he is not where he wants to be in his life, and  how i wanted that for him, so he WILL NEVER surpass me, because I wanted his life and my life and my wife’s life to be competition. To the death, to the point where it will be true creation for a come back for any return at all whatsoever for the better at all whatsoever. All ruined and festered and pestering all the way to oblivion, for the worst.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone for even a minute or longer to avoid responsibilities as if they should be disregarded automatically as if it didn’t even matter. And how work isn’t even important to what and how I define what I am doing to get something doesn't need my attention and not just for what I want to solve the majority of the time and how I never knew why this was ever the case. Because I had also created this from the culminating point of others and what others have expressed to me and how even my mother never bothered to stop my father from ever abusing me. And how she literally let it happen never wanted to do anything to  step in, because she was afraid she would get hit and abused as well. As i was being abused and how she thought I deserved it. And how I am deviating from it because I think that it should be best to do so. Although I am ruining my integrity, therefore, I never had true integrity to keep working at something until it gets done. And how for so many years, I have been disregarding what I should’ve been doing that was best for me, but i never could realise because i was so blinded to the excuses and trauma i was living that I never  knew felt so natural so to speak in a sense for the worst of my own delusion that i never even knew of that had ever existed, up until this very point of investigation as it is to be, right now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a mother to not stop my husband from abusing me and my son and how i never bothered to stop and do anything. And how i let the abuse happen and how  i let it happen to me. Therefore, i never even spoke up, and how it preview to my son to do the same thing to  not  ever speak up when and as he  would abuse him and hurt him and when my son finally retaliated back to my husband, he would get beat and hit  again, because of the abusive behavior from the father and how he would never give up but to hurt him and always see him as competition and how i would do the same thing, and disregard everyone and return back to my  delusional experienced living without any sort of principles that would’ve been best for all. And how is any of anything to help and support my son. I  only allowed and accepted the abuse and did abuse my son as well, and I was also an advocate to ruin his life financially and especially emotionally as well. No matter how it may be that I was expressing myself, within that, nothing was ever for the better, it was always for the worst. And when I tried to love my family, things got worse, because there was  no love, not even from me, because I never knew how to truly express love for real, abuse was for real, it mechanically predictable to what the emotional quantum consent and content that would happen before it was bound to happen. Because it was always there even before the matter happened at that  very moment and even on multiple occasions. That i never did anything but yell at the fucker of that is my husband to make him stop, but not abuse him, but to yell and hurt him as i am hurting myself as well. And how i have lost my son’s trust, and how he doesn’t trust me worth a shit either, therefore, i am as well, untrustworthy as well too. I do not love my son, I hate my son, I hate myself, i hate my husband and I hate my life, therefore, my life is not worthy of anything at all, whatsoever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I have abused my work and myself and how it has emotionally affected me and financially as well. And how I was never able to make more money,I would always spend it whenever i didn’t get to an amount that i thought was a lot. Because that was how my parents operated, and lived. Within that, I would do the same and not realise that i was stunted and hindered of my growth, emotionally and physically, to the point where my life was destroyed and how it was no turning back until someday, i would investigate this shocking truth of what work truly meant to me and how and what had happened for this to be caused to me and how i am operating and living with the wrong definition of work. And how i am living and leaving it up to chance. And that was how my parents live  by leaving things up to chance as well, therefore, life was never a matter of meaning, it was a matter of abuse. And how i accepted and allowed the abuse, therefore, my finances and money has never improved, due to emotional instability that felt so natural, and how it was imprisoned and imposed upon me to live this way. And how my life was destroyed when work and fun was destroyed and tarnished from that very day of being 14 years old or 13 matter of fact. And how everything from the day when i was outside with my friends, and even before, in the previous years as well. Work was tarnished for me, and how ever since, I’ve had the wrong definition of work ever since, because i thought it was to be of abuse, and therefore, I have lived abuse and how I have abused my relationships, my communications with myself and interactions with others, and how that affected in each and every way of how i expressed and communicated my message across. It  was all abused and reacted  into some varying way and degree that would not be of actual support for me. I was only deporting myself of support, because I never had the true support, and how  I was suffocated from it and isolated off, even as a baby and how this really affected me big time, no matter how much I persisted and persevered towards creating what I wanted with my life. And how intense things got, and how i easily quit and never wanted to go forth in what i wanted to create.because i thought work should abused and disregarded as if it  meant nothing and how things take too much time, either it’s too long, going to take too much of time, and how i won’t be able to get to it. Because I would rather delude myself and do other things that aren’t even best. And how no wonder I am still  living with my parents and have accepted and allowed this so called definition of ‘work’ and how it has never gotten me far, because it was abused and tarnished and how i was abandoned emotionally, abused emotionally, and physically, and how this has affected how i wanted to make money. And how i never made more than for what i was ever comfortable with. And now that i realise this, I am truly not satisfied with the amount of money that I’ve undulating and scrupulously disregarding na d spending on shit that I don’t ever need, and how i am pestering myself as the jackal, as the pest to take away what i have created and how my parents has done that to me and how I  am not doing that to myself. Therefore, each and everything of money related making, whether it be a job, or a business or anything, I was able to make any true real money, because i didn’t like working, i wanted money to come to me. And how all of these culminating points has affected each and every  decision and everything that I’ve wanted to do, upon the veil that hindered me that these fuckers have imposed upon me and therefore, I was never able to make any real money and always deviated to doing something else and going from thing to thing, business to business, job to job. And how I was so insecure, and even insecure about work, and how I was never able to keep to one business and was easily influenced by people who wanted to sell me on their bullshit that wasn’t even best. At least that I have  thought it was so,  but I couldn’t realise that I should’ve stuck to what i wanted to do, but as things got hard and difficult and had multiple setbacks of some kind or whatever it was. I was never able to follow through with my commitment to the endeavor of the business that I wanted to start, even though ever since, i would quit things easily, even if it was a simple task, such as this writing, and how of other business, and work related things  to improve of myself, that I have been neglecting for my education, my knowledge, my nutrition and clothes and things that I’ve always wanted. But I never had enough money for it, because I always deviated towards other things, therefore, I was never able to create the money that I’ve always wanted, and easily quit. And never stuck with it through, and how ever since, I felt stuck and never did - ever know what to do, and felt blank and wanted to isolate myself, because I thought everyone was too busy for me, when in fact and reality, I was too busy in my delusion, therefore, I “thought” everyone was busy, but they were not, i only thought so, and never made the effort to be in contact with the person. And how everyone eventually ignored me, because I let it  be that way and never learned how  to  cultivate myself and my relationship with myself. Within that, I couldn’t even do it with others. So nothing was to ever flourish for real, ever since. No love was  ever for real, no real work and meaningful and purposeful work was ever for real, abuse was always for real, unnecessary irrationality  was always for real. Therefore, my life was tarnished and abused for real, and  I never knew why my life has ever ended up to where it is today. And how it caused me to be broke and never make a life truly worth living for abundance. While i was living in my delusion, and illusion of what life could’ve been,  but i was never able to make anything true, with that, I  just had the wrong abusive  definition and what and how and where and when and who i got it from, was from my parents, who abused and tarnished my innocence, and stunted my growth emotionally and  physically for the worst. No wonder my life is  the way it is, living in limitation and lack, nothing is and has ever changed in my life for real. I was not able to make the money that I’ve always wanted, but could never fathom the money that would help me to be free, and if I were to have it, I would never be able to keep it at all whatsoever. I would only use it for my happiness, for that which i did not have, no abundance, no flourishing of anything. It was all for lack and limitation, and that was how i lived my  life, and how it all culminated from the age of 13 or 14 and how it has affected and and even at  4-7, as well, those  ages have affected me and each and every decision emotionally, logically, and financially has been tarnished for the worst. No wonder my life is the way it is, nothing has ever changed for real, and how it affected everything that I’ve ever - wanted to do. And how I have lived my life in this way and that I have not ever gotten far truly and abundantly for real, ever since, I wanted  to embark on this journey, but nothing was to ever be of any true validity for abundance at all whatsoever. It was all invalid, false, hopefully mistaken, forsaken for, and all for nothing, and how all my efforts were and still are for nothing, due to what I understand that is work for the worst. And how this has affected me emotionally and financially especially to know that I do NOT have what I wanted and should have, but I was neglected and abused for the worst. Therefore, my life has been emotionally affected, financially affected, and abused and tarnished ever since my father abused my play time and his wants and desires and needs for his threats and instability, has affected me in and as for everything that I’ve ever wanted to do in my life, has never worked out for the better at all whatsoever, FUCKING NOTHING at all, whatsoever, ever since it’s culmination that it would affect how i would do things for my whole life, emotionally and financially. For the worst, no matter how much I persisted and persevered, nothing ever turned out for the better for me, ever since that day of age 13 or 14, and 3-7 or 4-7, my life was bound to be fucked for the worst. And how I had the meaning of work all wrong and abused and backwards with the wrong definition that was abused for me and tarnished for me, from my father and mother and society, itself.

When and as I see myself deviating from what I am doing, event or 1 second or more, I stop and breathe, and focus immediately back onto what I am doing and finish it effectively, with patience and persistence, and perseverance.

When and as I see myself needing to take a break, I stop and breathe, then I will for a moment, and immediately return to my work and business, to create more and have fun with it to truly create something meaningful and purposeful for real.

When and as I see myself trying to live the wrong definition of work, I stop and breathe, and return to the directive principle for life to work and create value immediately for the better of my ultimate super success!

When and as I see myself easily and quickly trying to  deviate from what I am doing and how I have  yet to finish it, I stop and breathe and immediately finish  what I am doing and do it with purpose for real and for the better!

When and as I see myself not being and here and making mistakes and not being here as breath, I stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself demising my integrity for something else with no focus and not focusing on what I should be doing that’s best and that will get me far into what i could be doing for the better, i stop and breathe, and  focus on what i am doing that will get me far and scale it up for there, with leverage and leadership for my ultimate and super success.

When and as I see myself wanting to instantly and easily give up and lose out on my integrity to get something done simply, I stop and breathe, and do it simply now to finish what I want to get done, that requires my heeded attention and focus and do it immediately.

 When and as I see myself abdicating for something that’s not best and easily to try to impulse myself to do what is requiring my responsibility to get something done that is best, i stop and breathe, and go do it immediately for  what requires my responsibility within that to do it anyway, simply.

When and as I see myself giving myself some type of excuse  to not want to do or finish something with integrity, no matter if the time is  almost out or something is nearing my time to leave for something or someplace, I stop and breathe.

When and as I  see myself deviating and not wanting to do anything with persistence and being so blank minded and idle in irresponsibility and not doing anything at all to procrastinate with no purpose, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself wanting to participate within the mind to postpone what it is that I am looking to do, and abdicate what should truly be taken care of first, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself ending my responsibility in my wake to do something else, instead of any laser beam focus on what should be first and consistently, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself trying to access the demise and abdication for something and how it has yet to begun or even finished all the way though, I stop and breathe, and get it done, simply immediately, and right away.

I realised that my parents never truly cared about me, they wanted to manipulate me negatively to do what they  wanted to do and not have me to do anything that i wanted. Therefore, it was always competition and bullshit that wasn’t even best for me and how it hindered me and stunted my growth, emotionally and physically for the worst. And how ever since, I was never a belt to truly ever make any sort of money, therefore, my life is the way it is, no wonder my life is the way it is and how i never could turn it around for the better. And that, my parents ruined it, especially my father who tarnished at me and ruined my innocence at ages 3-7 or 4-7 and 13 or 14 had ruined me and how it affected each and every decision that I’ve ever made to make any sort of money, and  relationship and how i was never able to make any sort money of at all whatsoever. Nor was I even able to keep it and investigate intelligently and effectively to where I could be able to make much more than ever before for the better. And how I was never able to do any of that, therefore, no matter how much money, i made, even if it was to the point where I would get comfortable at a certain amount that i was a lot, and according to my parents it was, and how i perceived that type of money as ‘a lot’ as $2,000 USD, and how it wasn’t anything, therefore, my life never turned around for the better. It only got more worse, because i made it more worse, and how from ages 3-7 and 13 or 14 those ages were also as well the actual culminating points that was bound to fuck my life over, especially that my father and my mother who had given me away and had finally taken me back out of guilt and love for it’s guiltiness, that it was out of disengenuine expression, therefore, love was NEVER, EVER for real at all whatsoever. It  was all fake, it was all doomed for the worst.

I realise that me being abused emotionally and physically would stunt me in my emotional growth and physical growth, therefore, I would never be able to create any sort of wealth and for that which I was living as living words as breath and  movement. That I would never be able  to create any sort of wealth for myself, nor was i even able to retain it, and how I never had the true focus to go past the adversity for that which i was experiencing and never truly ever followed through at all, whatsoever. And how I was fully neglected and disregarded for my own parents self interest and how I did the same to myself, not realizing that my parents abused me, as they have abused themselves. No wonder my life is a reflection of their abuse towards me and themselves, not just my own creation on my own, and how i was truly ever able to make anything for real for the better at all whatsoever, ever since at the ages of 3-7 and 13 or 14 were the culminating points that was bound to fuck my life over and abuse it and was going to be tarnished for the absolute, worst forever. And how all that I’ve done for anything, no matter if it was for business or not, or work or not, life in general as well, all my decisions and efforts for money and relationships and communications, were all for nothing. No wonder I was never able to achieve what I wanted for real and for the better, ever since, at all whatsoever, all tarnished, abused and all for nothing, how fucking tragic that is, for the absolute - worst. And how all the treatment of anything for care and affection was all fake and superficially abusive for the absolute worst, no wonder I was not able to do anything for real without being abused about it and even reprimanded for no apparent reason. By a person who Never had my best interest in mind and even at heart, matter if he said i love  you or not, he lied to each and every time he did say I love you, it is and was always a complete fucking lie, therefore, the mother fucker was always dishonest, and how I will never trust him, and that  I hate him and how I hate myelf, because of what and how and when and where and who  I was dealt with and had been the hot baton of pure massive abuse for the ABSOLUTE WORST OF ALL.

I realise that I was always trying to  escape my own reality for something else that was never for the best of anything. And how I would always go towards doing that which is not best for me, and how I would always deviate from job to job, business to business, relationship to relationship, because deep down I was truly insecure and was not able to stick to my confidence of what I should’ve been creating for the better for myself. And not for something that I was just trying to escape from, that which I had no purpose for, and even though that I did, it was not fully supported, therefore, I was never able to do anything for real, nor wasI even able to create it for the better at all whatsoever either. No wonder my life is the way it is, in full complete responsibility for being responsible for something that is not best for me, and how i deliberately accepted and allowed my life to be this way, and never even bothered to truly ever realise what I should’ve be sticking to and where I could’ve gone where I’ve never gone before. And how  I’v never realised that I have abdicated that for so long for the absolute fucking worst, no wonder I do not have the money that I want, when and as I did first expose myself to striking out on my own for business, but never had a clue of how to educate myself, nor even understand and know how to make money, and howI was  already fucked before I began, and how things never got better ever since I started to get into business for myself. And nothing ever since  for what I wanted to  create was not  ever a success, no wonder I do not have anything that I’ve ever wanted to create, and how it was all done for nothing.

I commit to redefine what Work truly means to me and with cooperation and collaboration with others to make dreams to be achieved for the super success of our efforts and brains to be integrated with the right people who are effective and are creating much more than ever in this world for the better. And even locally as well, to make work meaningful and purposeful to where all life can benefit to whom those are making an impact breath by breath and gaining and spreading and sharing influence where others are able to truly create for real and for the better, with loving and liking what I do Strongly with pride and doing everything with meaning and purpose in all that i do, especially when  it comes to cooperation and always speaking up and asking for others to help others and not just themselves and help others and when you do, so, they will return help you. And to do so with the right starting point that is what’s best for all, and to those that will benefit for the better and to help people genuinely and authentically for the better. For as I see myself as life and life resonance living words to live for the new redefinition of work with innovation and creativity within speed with a purpose and within directive principled living  to truly create a life that is worth living for super success and massive abundance and prosperity for the better for all LIFE!

I commit myself to truly understand how to create, cooperate, collaborate and lead myself and others to great achievement and new heights of scaling up to  achieve a true meaningful purpose of creation of value in this  world. And to leverage that with others and to work together, as if sleep never existed, and to work hard and smart and  effective each and every waking hour, no matter what. And to always be creating and innovating, to truly create a life of super ultra success within value  and along super ultra wealth created along the way for my and our ultimate super success!, within gaining and talking with others and talking with suppliers, customers and helping everyone be in certain departments and improving the company and the people especially for everyone to become much more effective in harmony and working together, and having signs around the place, to encourage people to work together, and when is able to handle things on their own, that’s good, however bring it to work with someone and make it a priority for their own  success as it will also be a success for  the world, and not  just for the company itself. For the better. Within using my time effectively and to do it 1 hour blocks and to do specifically what will get me further and others further for those that are working with me and who I am working with closely and to helping others to truly create something truly meaningful and purposeful for the better and for our absolute super success!, for as I see myself as life and life resonance, and living words to be redefined to what is best for me and for all and for those who I am working with and who are working with me for the better, within self directive principled living for and as LIFE!

I commit myself to encourage people to ask questions and ask questions from myself to and with others that if i do not know something, then i will investigate on my own a s well, as well as seeking the input on what is it that I do need help about. And when I am working with others to challenge them to do more and never to settle for less, and same to help the other person to never accept less  from myself. And how i will never accept less than for myself and to get more and acquire more for myself and  to do so with others as well, and that I can’t just do it for another, I have to also as well, do it for myself as an individual to create my own success as absolute individual as well. Understanding my new starting point and living with directive principle and principled living, for what’s best for all and for my ultimate and super success!, for as I see myself as life and life living words within the resonance as self directive principle to improve and adapt, and  adapt and improve for my ultimate and super success for the better!

I commit myself to understand how to ASK the questions and how I tone them and how it is perceived in the best ways possible to gain the proper introspective insight that is needed to gain the understanding of the real fundamental truth of how things are meant to be of working order and creation, within cooperation and collaboration with others for the better. Within that to ask a lot of questions and ask the questions in a way that is really good and for the other person to give the right proper context for understanding and for what and how things truly work fundamentally and how to do it together, to make things truly work out for the better, in the best ways possible for and with others and myself as well, for the better!, for as I see myself as life and life living words redefined within self directive principled living for my and our ultimate super success as life!

I commit myself to do things right  away and have a purpose in doing so, and to make work truly meaningful and purposeful to it is always fun to come to work on the business each and every day with enthusiasm. And making things fun, no matter the conditions and always seeing things in a different  light and how it could really be specifically better, and do it immediately, and encourage others who are working with me and who I am working with as well for the better. To understand what it is specifically we need to do, or acquire or get to a certain next step that will be best for true actual value creation and leverage within the leadership from all of us and especially me from myself as well and for others. Leading and encouraging others to learn leadership and to do so with the right starting point to help others truly succeed, no matter how hard and tough things get, we will keep moving with the right people along coming with us, to change the world,  and being truly self honest and self trust worthy, in each and Every Way of our lives and my life, for the absolute better! For as I see myself as living words redefined within self direct principle and principled living to create an experience that is best for all for all!

I commit myself to encourage and lead my kids to help them and my wife as well, to understand that we are always in this together, and I will make that true with patience and care and affection and persistence to challenge and help encourage my children and my wife to become better. Each and every Step by step of the way, with no pressure, but with stability, calmness and explanation and how to do things and doing it with them, leading them and helping them have fun and become effective individuals in this world as kids. And when they do need any sort of help, I will be there for them and always be there to give 100% patiently with them and with stability and council to help them truly do what it is that he/she wants to do in this world to make an impact with influence step by step of the way for the better. And to support my wife 100% patiently and challenge her to become better, and care for 100% of the way, as I do for myself, and to help her do the same for herself, as we are creating to do what is best in this world together for the better. Let’s do it together babe, we’re here!, For as I see myself as life and life redefining words to live to adapt and improve and to improve and adapt within principled living and self directive principled living for my and our super success!

I commit myself to become to truly influential and to become much more effective and able and capable within myself and to not only do things all the time by myself, for when as i do need any possible help for my business, and for my self image as me for myself, and how I can truly become much more of an effective individual. To congregate with others by using the 1+1 principle and to gain into an effective group to all be self honest and self trust worthy along the way, and to challenge others to become much more effective and better as well. To truly create this reality and life for the better, and within that, as the saying goes, to become better, you must become better, and and life will become better for true abundance and prosperity to be realised for the better. So within creating and leading the group and to become to lead others and help others in the group use the 1+1 principle as well and use it effectively and intelligently, for us to truly become an anomaly that is effective within the system to change the economic  system and entrepreneurship and government. And taking our abilities and skills to higher and higher developing levels that will be for our ultimate super success, to take over the world and to integrate equal money and equal education for that which is best for all! For everyone’s needs to be met for the better! For as I see myself as living redefined words, as self directive principle, and to communicate my message and leadership for and within leverage for super success, within principled living to truly create a world breath by breath, step by step, to create a world that is best for all and for super success and abundance for all LIFE!

I commit myself to truly become an effective and master communicator and negotiator and at selling as well, and helping others in the best ways possible to negotiate and help myself to understand where my counterpart is going to and for what he/she is wanting to do, and how I can help guide he/she through that negotiation process to do what is best with me. And to cooperate and to truly create a business and world economy, locally, and nationally, and internationally for the better. And as well as leading others within the business negotiation process, whether it be in life or in business, I will use this and master it in the best effective ways possible within leverage and learning immediately what I can do for the better. For as I see myself as life redefining words within self directive principle and principled living to truly create a n experience that is worth creating value, and to truly become influential with a great impact in this world with others for the better, within principled living for LIFE!

I commit myself to understand how to use what I have at hand much more effectively than ever before, and to have internal change and to show that without immediate outer change is a complete lie. And to when and as I am having internal change, I will show the immediate outer change to become an effective reality for my life for the better. And to immediately apply what I learn and adapt and improve and to improve and adapt for my ultimate super success as a self leader and acting and living within self directive principle within principled  living for the better, for and as LIFE! For as I see myself as life and life redefining words, to adapt and improve and to improve and adapt for as self directive principle within principled living as Life, simply for my ultimate super success!

I commit myself to forgive myself of what is not best within me, that is hindering me from making sort of money in this world, and when and as I see myself doing something that is not best or within an impulsive reaction, to stop and breathe and take self directive principle, within principled living to be effective in what it is that I am doing. And make that Effective for the better, within realisation statements to realise for what had affected me and for what I had yet to realise and how my life has been to where it is today, fully 100% realisation. And with that, I commit myself to write self commitment and corrective application to live specifically and use my TechnoTutor in the best effective ways and within that and how I can become truly an effective value creator and businessman and Entrepreneur in this world for the better. Within living the living change as an effective individual, and to truly becoming effective in all that I do, and living the corrective application in each and every breath, step by step of the way. For as I see myself as life and life redlining words as self directive principle within principled living for and as LIFE! For true massive abundance and value creation in my life for what’s best for all!