Day 73: Villified and violently abused on the Ranch

 

Vilified and abused violently on the ranch**

(Read aloud and breathe)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as an uncle and father like figure to be destroying a child’s life and his self esteem to the point where there is no literally coming back. And how I have realised that I have made him scream and cry out for pain and mercy to stop and how I have made him cry for his life. And how he will be able to learn through this and the cause of stealing and how I have caused him much damage and pain, as I am teaching him a lesson, and that he will never know that for what had happened to him, and how when and as a consequence were to ever happen again, he would be  afraid of  getting hit again, by me and how i was the one to cause much great anxiety and fear within, that I deserved the anxiety and pain as I have caused him. Which I did have, many years later, and how I am dead now and have  caused so much anguish and terror within this little boy at the time. When and as he was 6 or 7 or whatever age he was. And how i am despicable for forgetting what age I had hit him at, and now that I am no longer alive, the pain and discomfort that was to the extreme and truly unnecessary, that I could’ve killed him, and I wanted to, and it was my ambition to do and kill the little boy and make him suffer for taking things and not learning how to do anything, as if he is not just a child, and how I know no better, than to be hurting another kid that is not mine and how I have to ruin his life, like I have ruined my kids lives, abusively  and even verbally for the worst.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that when and as I was seeing a different version of this beating that I was getting from a person who cared for me, but when it came to abuse, that’s when all the care disappeared and anger was taken out on me. And how I am not truly worthy of life. And how I was making this up to turn back and as he whipped me once more, the belt of his broke my arm and shattered the bones in my arm and had a sharp broken shank like structure from my arm and how hard he hit me. And how he kept going and destroying me, as if my life never mattered. When in fact and reality it did, I was being given a lesson of abuse to learn, that which I did not deserve and how no one ever knew how to talk with me, and how this scene was made up in my mind and was brought back to me many years later. Within this, it’s fascinating what and how the mind makes up and puts up potential death and abusive threats to the human and how i never knew how people would have these particular flashbacks and memories like moving pictures that would seem as if they are so real, and the feelings and emotions of it giving me the energy to feel again and how it hurts me to feel this and how I am feeling this pain rift open with me, and assessing and how it works. That when I try  to access and assess it again, it would be the same or even more of the worst of its occurrence, as if it were actually real and happening again. And how in fact and reality, it is only my mind that is making it up and I am the one who is allowing it. And how I have accepted and allowed this abuse and from myself, and how no wonder it was given to me in my formative years, just because no one ever knew how to talk with me. Because if they did, they wouldn’t know what to say, so they would just want to take their anger out on me, therefore, no wonder I sometimes have an angry nature that would come out of nowhere from me and how sometimes I do not understand why the thought is actually even coming up and when it does happen, I try to hold it back from occurring/happening from me. But sometimes later on, the anger and anguish is too much for me, and I end up explosively expressing the anger and along with sadness and teary eyes just for a moment and it goes away. But lately, I haven’t really able to do what I wanted to do, due to my sickness of the big temperature change in my home, and how no one in this home ever truly understands what and why this is occurring, therefore, they think it’s the outside, no it’s not, it’s inside the house, and how when temperatures change drastically, it will affect the body, when and as it turns from cold to hot and then cold again and then hot and cold again. But the temperatures were at low degrees of 50-63 and then up 80, and I found myself coughing and not realising where this was coming from, but disregarded it and kept on working on what I was doing. And sooner or later enough, I was sick and my body was aching so badly to the point where I didn’t even know what to do, but to go to bed. And had to heal myself with natural remedies but the pain kept on persisting, and how my body was aching and needing more oxygen, but could not take it in, due to the fact of the false disease that doctors think people have is agglutinogen, and how if you research back  into the early 1500s and way before, many more centuries, people who have died of the cold have never made it back, of course obviously. And how people were never able to survive, because as they were neglected and abused and bullied after the war and how they are doing it to themselves, as they were done unto, and now they are vilifying and abusing other lives for death and bravery, when it is blinded bravery for profit, behind closed doors.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as an uncle to try to vilify this boy’s life on the ranch and how he was screaming for his life and how he wasn’t able to truly take the pain. As he was screaming and how I was forever making it much worse for him during the painful punishable experience that I couldn’t even know how to prevent myself. Because the only way  I knew how, was the punishable perishable way that was no end in mind for me to ever turn back but to stick to this one way of abuse. And how nothing was ever going to turn for the better. It was only forever going to get much worse than ever. And how when and as he was out there that day, and even before all of this, as one of his cousins, named Courtney, as another tattle tale like demon, came and had caught her cousins demon stealing, and not taking consideration to say anything, but to say something last minute of what he had within his container that he got from sea world. And how it had a lot of knobs and that we just left from a cabinet knob like store, not too long ago, or even many hours ago. And when I found out, I was livid, and could not control myself, but to want to hurt this little boy and never explain anything to him. Because if I did, that wouldn’t change, because I just thought that he would understand, because of his age and knowledge, and how stupid I thought he was, and he was in fact, pretty stupid. And it was my fault to let him be like that and never let him understand and ask questions to why he was doing such a thing, but to immediately act into the way of vilifying and destroying his body and emotions and self esteem that he wasn’t able to handle as he was crying so much from the abusive intense extreme like pain that felt as if it was never going to go away. Every-time I hit him with the belt on his little butt, he would scream so badly, because I hit him very hard, and in fact the belt was 2-3 centimeters thick, knowing that this would do the job. Not realising that I was performing actual abuse, that the  child never deserved, and now that I am dead, that is my abuse that I have deserved. Because  I have really fucked it up for myself, and fucked my own health, into oblivion, therefore, he will live with that memory of being abused and vilified on the ranch, as we got back sea world and other places to shop to build certain things and put some finishing touches on the home. And how I have never realised why I was truly doing this, because my parents had done it to me and how now I am doing the same consequence like tradition that’s abusive in all households, because all people who hit kids are illiterate and were abused as well. No wonder a nation and the world itself has abused and how they are now doing the same abuse to the world, and to their environment, to themselves, to their kids, to their significant other, their employees, businesses, clients, personal belongings, whatever it may be. Everything is being abused, because each and every child that was growing up, were abused. And now that they are adults, they are now abusing themselves, others, and who they do business with, work with or whomever it may be. Slave or not, rich or not, royalty or, it doesn’t matter, everyone’s life in some way was tarnished and now they are doing to others and how my self esteem was tarnished and therefore, i had to do it to another, without any question, challenge or even stopping myself quickly to explain anything and talk with the child to understand why he was even stealing in the first place. But in fact, now that i know, he was never taught to ever have enough, never taught to give, never was educated properly, was always surrounded by abusive people, including us and how we have ruined his life, no matter what we had done to him and gave to him, to have a better life. But all we did was spend money, but never spend any time with him. We only spent money, just because we thought it would make him realise that he wants money as well to be made, for him and how he can make money. But money  would never make him happy, because when he got things for Christmas and his birthday and other days of holidays. He was never truly happy with them deeply. He was in reality truly needing to spend time and cultivation, and to do fun things together, and to understand how things work and how to do it, and how to have fun while doing so and learning. But in fact we never did that, we only spent it on him just to have fun and realise that life was never here, but to enjoy something that was to be given, not spent with. Ruined and vilified, abused, tarnished, destroyed and destroyed, not instructed and trained. He was in fact tamed and not instructed, he was depleted from the instruction, therefore, he was bound to not realise what was actually even going on for the better at all whatsoever. He was oblivious, and how in fact, one day, i wanted to take him to see a field of planes and jets, that which I had a passion for, but as we were there, he was never able to speak, but oblivious, somewhat sad, so I never explained anything to him, because I thought he would cry, and so I never said anything to ask any questions, because I thought he would never understand, nor to be able to talk with him one on one, like a casual conversation about things. And that ever since, I never knew this was going to be the last time I see him, because I didn’t know he would leave, and a few years later, I ruined my health, and eventually, I passed away, and died. I fucked my own life, not just his, and how I have ruined other people’s lives due to my self interest and abuse. Not knowing why I was doing it, because it was always a part of me, because it was who I am, and who I was, forever more, a blip in the sky to never be seen, but a harsh, tarnished memory. Not ever seeing and realising when was going to be my last breath, as it was a few years later, not realising my bad ugly health habits for the worst.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that when I remembered that day of getting beat and how I was screaming for my life on the top of my lungs. That was also one of the culminating points that was going to ruin my life forever, affecting how I made money, spent money, interacted with others, abused others, even myself. Abused the things that I’ve owned and had, relationships, parents, my own belongings. No wonder I vilified and abused each and everything in my life, affecting each and every step and breath, and decision. That was never going to be brought back after the consequence had instantly occurred in the mind, to act out of no self control, rather in a sequential decision that happened in the mind first as a flashback memory, and how it was charged in that situation and time. That the very abusive situation was going to ruin my life, and no matter what I would do, I would always somehow abuse it, and never make anything of building anything, and all I have done in my life, especially in finances, was to destroy it, and not build it. And how I never knew how to build anything and make it strong, I’ve only built things to make them weak, communications, relationships, money, building anything, when it came to business, and how i was never able to build anything truly. And how I was destroying things and abusing and vilifying all things, in every chance that I would get, when things wouldn’t go my way. Or even if  I was around people I did not like and who have fucked my life up my whole life. And that i do not want to be around them, because they have never taught me anything, and always telling me that I don’t know how to do anything, because mother fucker, you never taught me anything, no fucking shit you would be saying that, am I wrong?, in other words, abuse was at each and every corner of my life, no matter what I do and interact and speak of anything. Because of my unknown backchat that was overwhelming me to the point where I could not perform to do anything for real, at all whatsoever. Nothing was ever for real built from me and with me ever since, I was only taught to destroy and vilify and abuse, and how others have done that to me and have ruined my self esteem. No wonder my life is the way it is, and how nothing has ever changed ever since, but a destroyed and abused, tarnished life, for the worst.

When and as i see myself abusing and vilifying myself of any way and kind and manner, i stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself being tattle tailed on and/or someone wanting and trying to win an argument over me, I stop and breathe, and immediately tell the person to fuck off, that’s not how it works, and if they continue to abuse, then I will disregard the fool like philosopher, who is trying to preach something to me that he/she had never changed truly over, because in fact he/she may be delusional like the rest of the idiots in the world.

When and as i see myself postponing from the pain from writing self forgiveness, i stop and breathe and return immediately back to starting on what i was doing and finish it and make it happen with purpose for the better.

When and as I see myself abusing others by slamming doors, and doing things forcefully, and talking forcefully with others, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself wanting to break things out of rage and wanting to take revenge upon one another, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself about to vilify my abuse to others through my words and actions in some type of underlying ulterior motive just to get back an abuser, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself attempting to make myself angered over something unnecessary and preventable that could possibly make me sick and hurt my body, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself wanting to hit myself and/or hit another because of the strong abuse of some kind that isn’t suitable to me and is not acceptable to me, I stop and breathe.

I realise that I was abused and how I am now doing it to others, and was vilified and how I am not doing it to others, as it was done to me. Out of misunderstanding and pure burning lack that I didn’t truly ever have enough, no wonder my life has been with nothing but abuse, disrespect to all kinds of degrees and levels and even from my ugly disgusting parents who know no better. But to always abuse and vilify their message about me and to each other as mother and father and how I never realised that they  were nothing but abusers. As well as I was and was still am in the current system and state that i am in, and that it is good for me to write this out and speak it and forgive myself of this abusive atrocity that  came out of misunderstanding and no education, and out of informational environment that had ruined me and had a ruined foundation, before, I interacted with others, made money, develop relationships of any kind, ran into corners of abuse, because I’ve created it and led myself into hanging out with people who were losers and were bound to be in jail, debt, murdered, divorced of some way, ruined relationships,  whatever the fuck it is. Everything got  ruined for me, to what I was living as my foundation and how I never knew how to investigate and to forgive myself of this atrocious abuse, until right now, for the realisation of how tough it was to investigate for me. In a different intense, extreme like form to relive again, as if it just happened yesterday. Screaming for my life, and having to abuse others who try to abuse me, and how others think they’re trying to win and make me shut up, and how they were abused and now the fuckers are trying to do it to others, without question, and being so nasty and truly ugly about as a character and personalized, lies, a personal lie, from a fucking idiot who knows no better than to abuse another just because he/she has gotten abused themselves. And how a lot of people have this corrupted mechanism within them, but they never question it, because it’s who they are, and how it’s made them strong, when in fact and reality, it’s made them weak, and stupid in fact, not strong, it is not who they are. They are nothing but a living lie, and how I was a living lie that was abused for the worst, as well.

I realise that my uncle was never able to explain anything to me, therefore, he just immediately pulled out his belt and hit me, and never said anything but to witness me experiencing extreme, intense pain as a 6 year old and destroyed my life, and how it had affected me in every way of my life. Therefore, I was never able to truly make real money, never was truly ever able to develop relationships, maintain health, grow myself as a person, and how that was never possible for me. It was always hard for me to do anything, nor could I even change actually for real, no matter how hard I tried, for anything, nothing would ever flourish, my growth was stunted by a so-called ‘learned lesson’. And how that learned ‘lesson’ was meant to be preventable and could’ve talked with me on it, instead he just assumed I wouldn’t understand and even when he did take me to an aviation field, where there were a lot of planes and jets, but I never knew what was going on, and only hung out with my uncle, not knowing that it was going to be the last day, I would ever see him, I will not miss him, I will never care for him, out of full self honesty, I’m glad that he is dead. For abusing me for misunderstanding and not even bothering to explain anything to me, but to abuse me immediately without any question to stop himself, and say something for me to understand. But he thought I would never understand, so he abused me anyway, and nobody stopped him, therefore, I experienced the tough, and rough, intense extreme pain that I was not supposed to be experiencing by him or anyone. And how it ruined me, and how much pain and anguish i was feeling at that time over 19 years ago. And how I was living the abuse and vilifying it in my expression to others and how I was never able to experience and create a reality on principle that could’ve been what’s best for all to become wealthy and powerful to become someone I was meant to be, and how  I was stunted by that. No matter how much I changed, nothing was changing truly, it was never fundamental, it  was arithmetic, but going backwards, back to square one, again and again, not ever knowing why things were being destroyed for me. Relationships with people, things that I’ve owned, things other people owned, what and where and how people lived, and where people lived. Nothing was ever for the better, I always destroyed something, because my foundation was destroyed by a destroyed person who never had a  clue of what it was like to take care of a child and children of others  of their own offspring for the better, it  was tarnished, abused, for no reason, without any true  actual explanation. But just out of sheer reaction for the actual worst, and how no wonder, I was expressing my vilified evil breath towards others, and how I noticed others demons were coming up and out very quickly than usual. And how it was me who was living and expressing my own demon that I had yet to forgive this for  quite some time, because I never knew I was living the vilifying and abuse of when I was on the ranch with my first cousins and uncles and aunts that I was with during a  vacation or  some shit like that. And that I never knew that it was me, who was living the demonic possession of abuse, and how others demons were seeing that within me, and how i wasn’t able to realise what I was doing and living so easily, as I was in pain and anguish and  feeling sick a t the time and even still in the respiratory as well. And how I never knew the sickness was  blinding my own pain and my own abuse that I was expressing and was hurting others to realise their own stupidity that they’ve never question their whole entire fucking worthless life, and how fucking stupid they are. How sad and disappointing to the way and of what, when, where, who and how and why, of where my life has ended up to where it is today, since that day of age 6 and how I got beaten and whipped by a person who never cared about me, but wanted to teach me a “lesson”, which was not a lesson, but it was in fact ONLY abuse and not just the lesson that I would never from, because no one ever taught me the true value of  giving and creation, and giving as I would like to receive, but  I always took and never gave back. Because I never understood the true value of actual giving, for real, ever since. Even today and how my life has been where it is for a very long time.

I commit myself to understanding how to treat myself and commend myself and truly push my programming and to truly become the best version of myself to truly create a life and economy and world that’s best for all. To praise myself formally and officially in the best ways possible that will empower me and encourage me and accept it from others who are saying it and meaning it for real, and take it as fuel and to create much more value in becoming the best value creator and capitalist there is, for the absolute immaculate expression of me and how i interact and comport myself with others. By communicating much more effectively and witness what and how I express my words and convey to expressing  myself to get my ideas and messages for advancement and betterment and Real execution application for real productive results within planning and executing with the people and leading to create so much  wealth beyond belief to create and change the system and economy to where it is going to best for all! For as I see myself as life and life resonance expression and living being as redefined words within living principled living as self directive principle for and as LIFE!

I commit myself to treating and understanding and knowing how to treat my kids with the proper effective understanding of helping them understand things and when they do not understand, it’s okay, I can put it in a different context for he/she to understand how to truly understand and process what I am saying. And help them improve their vocabulary and increase their processing ability and education and expression for the better. That there will be no abuse at all whatsoever in the house, nor from anyone who comes over, there will always be stability and understanding and true 100% support, with stability, always using common sense, and living the living words of common sense and actual practicality for the better. To help my kids have the best future and flourishing future  of abundance and prosperity for the better, and helping my wife do the same together for the better. And to treat my wife with the best care and affection and leadership with her and myself and to have her be able to develop true leadership, communication of stability, and common sense use, and within using practicality of that as well. To live it, to help each other truly improve  for the better as well. For as I see myself as life and living words, to adapt and improve and improve to adapt to and living resonance to and as living principle, and principled living, as self directive principle  for and as LIFE!

I commit myself to write self forgiveness to forgive myself of what is not best within me and to stop and breathe when and as I do experience some type of reaction within me. And to stop it a millisecond and become better and better each and every time. Taking self directive principle and taking care of what is here immediately, in the best ways possible. Then to realise what had affected me, how, who was there and where and why, to realise what has been within me as living words to stop and realise why that ever as a summary. And for some other things that I haven’t noticed and make it within the realisations. And within that, I commit myself to to write self corrective application and commitments to apply into my life practically, within using the tools of Self Forgiveness, and self corrective application, and Technotutor, and applying myself in real life to create the purified internal change, and becoming truly Effective for the better. And  working with others as well, and how I interact with others differently and to be able to work with them to create much more wealth with a Real Purpose and Objective for what’s best, and for what’s best for all, for the better! For as I see myself as life and living words, to live the internal change and apply myself to live the immediate outer change as self directive principle and as an absolute individual and businessman for the better!